So a few weeks ago Matt went on vacation. His brother lives in Seattle and after several visits here, Matt thought it was finally his turn to go there. We talked about it many times. As to when would be a good time, how many days, what my schedule with work/school/kids would look like. Like it was talked about for a long, hot minute.

Well, the trip has come and gone…..but my attitude about it has not. I can not stop being a jealous bitch about the whole damn thing. I mean…I know it sounds horrible, but like damn. You went on vacation. You relaxed. You partied. You rested. You played. I worked and got my ass kicked at every fucking angle and I am not ready to forgive you for it.

But the reality is….I have no reason “to forgive.” He asked me if it was okay. He was going for 4 days, I told him to make it 6. He even invited me for the weekend, but I delayed getting a ticket and then it was too expensive. He offered to pay and I declined. So yeah, I know….I have no reason “to forgive” him.

I don’t know why I am so bitter. I guess it is pure jealousy. But I just feel weird. Like maybe he shouldn’t have gone? Or maybe he should have called me more?? Or maybe I wanted more praise for what a kick ass wife I am??? Maybe I just wanted something. And I did have a fine time while he was away. I was even able to go out for a quick girls night out, so it wasn’t like a total bust. But for some reason, I just can’t stop being a bitch about it. For example, he came home with his duffel bag full of clean clothes. He did all of his laundry at his brothers so when he arrived, the only thing to add to our never ending laundry was what he was wearing. Well one of my unspoken chores in this house is putting away the laundry. He takes care of the yard and a million other things and I put away laundry. Well not this shit. This was his vacation laundry and that vacation annoyed me, so you can put that shit away yourself. And yesterday, I finally told him that. He said didn’t understand the difference between laundry sitting on top of the dryer and in his duffel, and why I would put away one and not the other, but understanding is not my problem. I threw that bag on top of the bed and he got to work.

I know I need to stop. Stop with the dirty looks every time he brings up Seattle. Fucking Seattle. Gross ( I actually love it there.) But if I was going to be the ultimate bitch, I should have just said don’t go, right?? But then I would be a cranky, needy, doesn’t let her man do anything wife and I am not that girl. I guess it is better to be the, sure, go on and have fun while I stay home and whine and then be a bitch when you get home wife. Either way we are all screwed right?!

I will get over it. I have a bit already. Now that the vacation clothes aren’t staring me in the face…….Next time I will tell him to go. That I am cool with it. But I will be a bitch for awhile afterwards. Nature of the beast right. The beast called, The Shitty Housewife.

 

It is Thanksgiving!!! So it seems like the perfect time for me to express a little extra thanks to some of my favorite things. These things that bring so much joy, laughter and love to my life. Things that I honestly do not know how I would survive life without.

Now most if you are expecting me to say my husband. My kids. My family. His family. My friends. My work. My home. Our health. But like come one…those are a given. Of fucking course my survival depends on all of those beautiful things and people. But today I am talking about some real day to day shit that thank fucking lord Jesus exist.

#5 Google

I mean what on earth would I do without Google? Google has gotten me out of so many jams….like on a daily basis. I am thankful for you Google for all of your life lessons and for advancing me in my school program (seriously though…..like I would still be in my first semester had it not been for Google.) THANK YOU GOOGLE!!!

#4 Salsa and Queso

Queso, you will never understand how much you have improved my life. Your cheesy yumminess can turn any frown upside down and make any shitty day so much better. Salsa…quite frankly, I have no words. I think of you at every meal, knowing how much you could improve what I am eating. Thank you both for being there for me for so many years and trust….many more to come. Thank you Queso and Salsa!

#3 Tampons

Man ol man tampons…we have come a long way. I mean through all the PMS, mood swings, tears, ice cream fests, you have always been there. Making me feel as comfortable as one can feel as they are bleeding for 5 days straight. You are my little right hand man for a week out of every month. And those 27 months I was pregnant, I did miss you. Thank you tampons. You truly are a girls best friend.

#2 Beer

You all knew this was coming, right???!!! Beer, I love you so much it is crazy. You always know how to work my palette in the most scrumptious way. You make social scenes so much more tolerable (and being around my kids!) You make working a long day worth it and you make hangovers….not AS bad. Thank you Beer, for always being there for me.

#1 Orgasms

I don’t know too many people who aren’t thankful for you orgasm. You are the only thing that can make me forget when my husband is bugging me. You are the only cure for a minor headache and I can always rely on you for helping me feel more “active” when I forget to work out. You literally make me feel happiness and not too many things can do that. Thank you orgasm. Forever and always……

xoxo

The Shitty Housewife

 

Happy Thanksgiving week. What a wonderful holiday to celebrate being thankful and eating?! Two of my favorite things. This week, so many people are focused on food and menus, I thought we would keep that focus going during our “alone time.” So this week when you are sneaking away from your family to get yourself thankful, think about these two hotties who are not only beautiful, but freaking magicians in the kitchen.

Geoffrey Zakarian has been on my hot list for quite some time. Blame it on daddy issues or just the fact that he is sexy as hell. All of his recipes make me excited and I know one day I will actually eat at one of his restaurants. Giada…..not much to say about her. I mean how the fuck do you cook so many carbs and still look that good??? She is a knock out and can throw down with some serious housewife pride.

So this week, as you are cooking away that turkey and stuffing take some time for yourself. I think we will all agree, we want a cook in the kitchen and a freak in the sheets….or maybe the other way around!!!!

xoxo

The Shitty Housewife

A week ago today, my entire world changed. Something happened that was so out of my control, and so out of a bad dream, that it has taken me a week to digest this sour pill, I was forced to swallow. A week ago today was the 2016 election and my candidate lost. (Well she actually didn’t lose, but because of our political system, she did.)

Now, don’t just stop reading because I was a Hillary voter. This is not a blog about how great she was, because she was just as flawed, but for extremely different reasons than our President elect and dear god, our Vice President elect. This is not a trash talking blog about Trump, although it is taking and has taken ALL of my willpower to not go ape shit on social media. This is also not a blog about the extreme divided lines our country is facing in our own community and now with MANY other countries. This IS a blog about me waking up. Because today, I did.

Last night when I went to bed I told myself it was time to stop. Stop crying. Stop responding. Stop reacting…no matter how atrocious the memes are (except the Biden one’s. Please don’t ever stop those.) Stop being apart of the lines and be apart of the change.

Yesterday, while my kids took their afternoon rest, my husband and I had some incredible sex. The kind you think about and text about for days after. When you have 3 kids and work and school and all the shit we do, a great, sweet, take your time kinda romp doesn’t exist. Yesterday, it felt important. Being close to him, in our home, our safe place where love and acceptance and support is vital and expected, we…god, I am gagging as my unromantic ass says this….made love. It felt so important. I needed that comfort and that safety and he gave it to me….and multiple orgasms.

Yesterday, I did some research on a dream I have been working on for awhile. I have been wanting to get involved in local politics. I have been asking questions, requesting information and looking around. Last night, I set up some calls and some meetings and had the discussion with Matt. He has urged me to take the plunge for months but after seeing how affected I was by this election, he and I both agree, now is the time. (Watch out Atlanta…no slogan yet…#oshaughnessy2017!)

Yesterday, I vowed to my kids that I would not talk shit about our government in front of them. They are young and don’t get it, but as their mom, I know, talking shit means shit. I told them action speaks louder than words and mommy’s actions are going to change the world. I vowed to them (unknowingly) that my depression over this was no longer their burden and that I would stop and their happy, fun, goofy mom was back.

Yesterday, I wrote for The Shitty Housewife. Man, I have missed you. I was excited to be back and thought my opening line to yesterday’s Masturbation Monday was fucking spot on. I have many goals for this blog and letting this craziness get in my way is simply silly. This blog has empowered me over this past year and empowerment is what I need for this new focus.

Yesterday, I worked out. I ran. Like hell. I huffed and puffed. I sweat like a fool and I felt stronger than I have in days. I ate right, I drank water and I vowed to take care of this beautiful body I have been blessed with. I am a proud women and celebrating this body needs to be a daily goal.

Yesterday, things changed. I am focused, strong and sexaully satisfied (hehehe!!) I am not okay with what began a week ago, but I am accepting it. I am processing it in a constructive way and working on ways to help move forward. I, as a quirky, sometimes confused, strong, optimistic, flat chested women am making things change. Maybe not for the world (right away) but for my world.

Xoxo

The Shitty Housewife

Since last week 50% of America decided talking about grabbing other women’s pussies was totally cool, I decided it was time to get back to talking about grabbing my own. And after a Sunday afternoon romp where my husband handed me not one but TWO orgasms in one session, sex is suddenly on my mind. I guess it is better than thinking about last week’s election, right? And since said romp is leaving big shoes to fill, I decided to drop two of the hottest SOB’s that are around. Kate Hudson and Larenz Tate.

Remember Dead Presidents?? Remember how damn sexy and awesome Larenz was??? And now, he is even hotter. Seriously, google him…NOW. He has this next door neighbor, handy man, stand up for shit kinda look that makes me want to paint my face white, black out my eyes and get freaky.

And Kate…. I mean, could she be any more perfect? Not only does she ooze sexiness, what she oozes more is HAPPINESS. And nothing is sexier than that. I have adored her since Almost Famous and as she has become more famous herself, she just gets better.

So enjoy these. Take some time with yourself or your loved one (they are always full of surprises!!!) Let’s make this week better. Filled with more love, laughter and booty! Happy Masturbation Monday.

xoxo

The Shitty Housewife

 

 

I know many of you won’t be getting yourself  off to thoughts of my husband (hats off if ya do!) But today is my very first, first anniversary and I just want to celebrate him. My husband. Besides being the most handsome guy I know, he is simply the best. He has altered my life in the most unimaginable, least expecting way. He has forever made me a better person and I will go to my grave loving him unconditionally. I always knew I could make it on my own. That my life would be complete without a partner. Matt was the first person I met that made me NOT want to do it on my own. He made me want to go through this life journey with someone…..with him. I am so thankful for how he adores me and everything I do. How he supports my crazy ways and ideas. How he is raising our kids. Thankful for the way he makes me laugh, the way he makes me love and the way he makes me feel. I am proud every moment of everyday that he choose me to be his wife. Today I celebrate him and me, being man and wife. So my masturbation Monday is my main squeeze…Matt. Happy Anniversary to us!!!

 

As my anniversary approaches, I can’t help but think back to the magical day I became Matt’s wife. My wedding was AWESOME! And although I know everyone says that about their wedding (which they should!!) ours was so freaking special, it was beyond words. We didn’t become just a man and wife….we became an official family. Our kids were there to hear our vows and us rat pack of weirdos became The O’Shaughnessy’s. It was THE best day of my life.

But everything great comes with some blows and my wedding had a few. I assume all weddings do. But I am here to list a few wedding day blunders in hopes to help so other bride (or groom) not make the same mistake.

1. Don’t assume that if you know the venue dude personally, he will follow through with his word……I did this. It was a friend of a friend and because he was so cool and laid back, he ended up costing us. The venue itself was INCREDIBLE. It was an art gallery in the middle of Atlanta. Beautiful, unique and weird. The perfect setting for us and our Halloween wedding. And since we “knew” this guy, we got nothing in writing. So when we went there to set up, all those tables and chairs he told us about months before were gone. We suddenly needed this crazy insurance. His PA system was MIA. Needless to say, we ended up over budget $2000 because they day before the wedding, we had zilch of things he said. And I was a basket case and he was an asshole.
2. Bridal Party deserves the world…..and I didn’t give it to them. We should have spoiled them more and we didn’t. They were all unbelievable and full of love and I wish to god I would have done more for all of them.
3. MIC CHECK…..make sure you have a microphone. We did, but again thanks to #1, he dropped the ball and the day off it became all too complicated to get one. Every wedding needs a microphone.
4. Speak up…..my hair was not what I wanted. I did the trial and she lost the pictures in her phone and winged it. I felt pretty, but looking at the pictures, it was not what we had planned. I should have spoken up in the hotel room while getting ready, but I wasn’t paying attention. Matt will go to his grave saying how beautiful I looked, but I almost hate seeing myself in my pictures because of it.
5. The Dress….go with your gut. I liked my dress. Matt loved my dress. It wasn’t the one. But I waited last minute and didn’t fight hard enough for the one I wanted. Again, I felt pretty but looking back, I wasn’t the most beautiful one the outside as I could have been. I was damn near perfect on the inside though and that is all that matters.
6. Not having out “last dance” in which all of our family and friends sang to us on video……This by far will haunt me forever. It was so magical, I thought I was floating on air. I would love to have it to watch every year.

I hope this helps!!! We had a million more blunders. My wedding day was my first ever jumping a car experience. Our DJ was so drunk he whipped his dick out and fell over (pretty amazing!) My uncle vomited in an Uber. My kid walked down the aisle with a peanut butter sandwich that came from…..NO ONE KNOWS!!!! Shit happens, ya know. All the time. Even on your big day. Overall, your wedding will be amazing because it is your day to marry that person who has your heart. And that shit is all that matters!!

I am quickly coming up on my year anniversary……..what the fuck???!!!! How did a year go so damn fast. People used to always say, the older we get, the faster time flies. Man, they were right. I mean a week seems like 2 days. One day seems like an afternoon. And a year, well let’s just say that shit is going faster than I could have ever imagined.

It is crazy to think “This time last year…” Mainly because I was excited, stressed, nervous, humbled, everyday preparing for the wedding. All while parenting, studenting, moving and a bunch of other shit. It seems like a blink ago I woke up on Halloween like holy fuck….I am getting married today.

I have heard the first year of marriage is the hardest. To which I reply….WRONGOLA!!!! The first year of marriage is incredible!!! We lived off of the high from our wedding (and the abundance of booze we had left over) for months. I mean a song, a picture, a word could bring Matt and I back to that amazing day where our lives changed. We talked about it and how perfect it was for months. There was nothing hard about it. It was magical and romantic and just beautiful.

Maybe people should say the 23rd year of marriage is hard, because damn….. 23 years seems like forever and I am pretty sure your genitals are sick of each other at that point. I mean, maybe not. Well, I hope not. I guess I will let you know in 2038. After that many years, I imagine mundane things are hard. The first year is not. 365 days after the most romantic, loving day of your life should not be hard.

I am not saying it is all roses either. We are two humans living under the same roof. Shit is bound to get annoying. I mean, currently we are kinda giving each other the silent treatment (since last night) and honesty I have no idea why. Like for real. He started it and now I am taking it to a whole new level. But shit like that happens. It is normal. But it isn’t hard. Trying to have a baby and not being able too is hard. Seeing a friend die is hard. Having a sick child is hard. Seeing your spouse in pain is hard. The 2016 presidential election is so hard. But loving someone a year in is not.

So let’s re-word this whole idea. I am here to tell you the first year of marriage is simply amazing. It brings back the giddiness, the romance, the sex, the looks, like the beginning of your relationship. Reveal in it. Year 2 approaches fast and who the fuck knows what happens then!

Look, it’s my blog and I will Timberlake if I want too. This week is huge for us JT fans. His documentary of his last concert The 20/20 Experience premieres on Netflix Wednesday. This bitch can not wait. I plan on more than just wetting my whistle Wednesday if ya feel my drift! I mean, you just don’t get hotter in my book. And as the movie gets closer, I get friskier. (Matt should write Netflix a thank you note!) So today, as we get back to the grind, think about the grind of JT…..I swear it will make your Monday a little less Mondayish and a whole lot sexier.