Happy Mother’s Day


Happy Mother’s Day. I wanted to salute all the moms out there. Man, this job is tough and man….however shitty you THINK you are at it, guess what?! YOU AREN’T!!! You are on your own motherhood path and you are nailing it.
Who cares if your playroom is messy! Who cares if the laundry is sitting unfolded for days! Who cares if you sit them in front of the TV for a minute while you take a breather! Your kids are alive and thriving and happy and healthy and that is really all that matters. Exhausting yourself for perfection is not teaching them anything. Being weird, dirty, silly, goofy is what they need and want. Those are the memories they will take with them forever. Teaching your kids to be themselves in any capacity they see fit is going to mold them into the awesome human they are meant to be. You have created them! You have built them! You are their inspiration and hero no matter how many cocktails you’ve had to down to get through dinner.
Mommin ain’t easy and you deserve a full day of celebrating you. Eat all the queso, drink all the wine and do not, I mean DO NOT touch that hamper (I promise it will be waiting for you tomorrow morning.) Being a mom is fucking MAGICAL. It is the most beautiful experience to ever go through, so fuck all the chores, fuck all the whining and fuck all the spills. Today is your day to look at those little monsters you created and think to yourself….”Damn, I made you. And even though some days are hard, I am doing my best and you are the coolest kid ever because of me.”
So Happy Mother’s Day ladies. From the mother of all mother F**ckers. I love you all so much and am so happy I have this journey to share with you. Cheers.
The Shitty Housewife

Love you Make-up


Man, where would I be without you, make-up. You my friend are an everyday magician. You take my uglies and turn them into something so much less atrocious. You really do. I wake up and look like a exhausted, worn out, pale, freckled disaster and you turn me into a beautiful fairy princess. And honestly, you really don’t turn me into anything, but you make me feel more beautiful and there are not enough thank you’s for that. Your color, your lift, your brightful-ness is probably the only reason I have ever gotten laid. And your ability to cover my wrinkles is the only reason I don’t walk around looking like I feel…half dead. My life would not be where it is today without my cover up, eye liner, shadows, blush and lip gloss. I adore you and owe you a lot. For real, make-up, thank you for everything. All the looks, cat calls, sex and hell probably marriage. Without you, none of these things would exist.

Life and Death

I wasn’t sure where I wanted to go with this blog. It is a salute to someone who passed away this week and a slam for this horrible thing called death, where we have to say goodbye to people we love.

For the past several years I have watched a very brave and beautiful woman fight constant battles with her health. She fought. She won. She fought. She won. She fought….so very hard. And this week, she said goodbye to us here on this planet and was sent to her next journey. This week, my best friend’s mom passed away.

I met my best friend Kara many, many years ago. She and I have been so close for so long, I do honestly consider her family.She is one of those friends that I know will be in my life forever, because we are family. Our lives have changed. Our roles have changed. Even our friendship has changed, but we are constant.

Girlfriend relationships are truly amazing and beautiful to me. So real, so nurturing, so hard and so honest. And when you have one of those girlfriends you experience so much together. We have battled and fought and disagreed plenty, but always find a way back. Because girlfriends who are family do that. We have seen each other turn from girls to women. We have seen each other blossom in our careers. We have seen each other fall in love. We have seen each other live life. We were each other bridesmaids and she has seen me give birth. And today, I watched her say goodbye to her mother.

When you meet your girlfriends, you don’t think about this. You think about their wedding, their kids, their careers, their triumphs. You don’t think, I will one day be at their mothers funeral. But, our path together brought us here and I am so thankful I was able to be there with her. Hearing her speak, watching her love, all I saw was her mom. All of their beauty combined. All of their love for each other overflowing any sadness that existed. She may not have felt it, but man, I did. Everyone did.

Death is just an awful thing. Sadly, it has been very predominate in my life since this year started. Maybe it is a fluke. Maybe it is just life as I get older. I do know that losing someone and or watching someone lose someone is just the worst feeling.

There are only two people on this planet who created my best friend. And sadly, one of them is gone. But I know when I see Joan in another life I will not forget to thank her for creating Kara. For creating this girlfriend who I cherish and who I have experienced so much of my life with. For making her the person she is, who is the person that I have fully embraced and vise versa. For better or worse. We are committed.

Growing up with old friends is so weird. It is truly beautiful and I am lucky enough to have a few of these girlfriends who I will grow old with. We will be together for all of the good and bad times in each others lives. But whether good or bad, we will have each other. And that right there can ease some pain.

Joan, I will never encounter another person like you. You never let life defeat you and followed your dreams more so than anyone I have ever known. You made me laugh, cry, you gave me your home when I needed it. You gave me your support when I needed it, but most importantly, you gave me Kara. One of the best gifts I have ever received. You will be missed greatly and I promise to take care of our girl as long as I am here.

The Super Bowl

Thank You Super Bowl for giving me another reason to gorge myself with an endless amount of cheese dip.
I never, ever, ever feel bad eating that many snacks on Super Bowl Sunday. It is a national pastime I will forever treasure.