Once someone asked me what my dream job was, and besides being a Justin Timberlake backup dancer….I remember clearly stating, that my dream job was to be the VP of Happiness.

Wow.

This feels weird.

It’s been quite some time since I have been here. Days, months, hell, probably a year??

If you are reading this you are probably one of two humans. Which is fine (and thank you, you two!) I am not sure if I would even read my own shit these days. I AM RUSTY! But I am hoping to find my fingers back on my keyboard for things other than work and scrolling.

No need to discuss where I have been. It really isn’t that exciting. A busy wife, mom of 3, figuring out my way through a pretty intense corporate job (first time in 40 years in corporate….that shit is NO JOKE.) Oh yeah, I am 40 now….slipped that in (but that discussion is for another post.) So yeah, it has been a pretty hectic year or so. An awesome one filled with loads of ups and downs. But some things MUST get pushed to the side to make sure this life, their lives, his life, my pets life, all can stay on track. And I am totally okay with it………kind of.

The past couple months have been a bit rough for the old Shitty Housewife. And I am about to open a can of worms for the two of you reading, that only the hubs knows about.

In all of the hustle and bustle, and goods and bads and rights and wrongs, and relationships, family, friends, kids, social events, outings, work, school, ALL THE SHIT….I tapped out. I became so focused on just going and making things happen, that I lost sight of the most important thing and the one common denominator (did I just reference math?!) to all of this. ME. I lost me….and within losing myself to this life, I lost a great deal of happiness. I suddenly began walking around sad. I woke up and just moved about with a heavy weight of sadness on my shoulders. I found myself getting irritated at the simplest of things and having the patience of, welp, of nothing…..like no patience left. Things that have made me happy for years and years and years just weren’t doing it anymore. And to top it off, the sadness and loss of interest, I became anxious…..like ALL OF THE TIME RIDDEN WITH ANXIETY.

I have been hiding it well. But I know as a HUGE supporter of mental health (for everyone on the planet except myself apparently) I know that there is NO reason to hide it. But I have always just been the happy one. The one that cheers people up. The one to tell funny stories and make people smile. So I just hid it, because it seemed easier…..and then it bottled up and I lost it….I let it go…..all the tears and Matt’s shoulder heard me finally admit. I AM NOT HAPPY.

But here is the thing. I am happy in SO MANY ways. My kids….fuck, THEY ARE THE BEST. They are so cool and amazing and smart and bring me constant joy. My husband is fantastic. He is fun and funny and sweet and spoils me. My family is insanely supportive. My friends make my heart feel so good. Work, well it’s work. But it is a great paycheck and it does have its perks (THE SNACKS!)  What I realized and was hard for me to swallow is that I am not happy with myself. And I don’t know why.

I’m a pusher. I push myself every day to make shit happen. And I most of the time do make it happen. But I think I have been pushing so hard for so long I lost myself along the way. I allowed all of these amazing people around me be my focus for pushing that I stopped pushing for myself. And even though I was doing all the workouts and taking all the supplements and drinking all the water and eating all the superfoods….I wasn’t really benefiting my head.

My head is in a weird spot. And as Matt told me how proud he was that I recognized what was happening and to speak it out loud, I too felt proud of myself. But I also felt the urge to find out why it got weird and what can I do to get it back to the normal weird…..you know because I still will always be weird as in odd and I LOVE that.

So I have embarked on a journey to happiness. I am committed to it. I want to push for me again. I want to do things that make me happy and thrive so all of these humans around me can see it, feed off of it and thrive as well. I want to take steps to figure out where I went off track and why I stopped caring about me. I stopped writing. And I LOVE writing, so cheers to one small step.

So here I am….an open book….or an open chromebook….hahahahahahaha. I am excited to be here. I am THANKFUL to be here and I am ready to take on my dream job. I know that our body and minds are a constant work in progress and my mind needs some work. Some love, some hugs, some work. But I know I can do it. Hell if anyone can be the VP of Happiness, it def is me.

xoxo

Jan O

The Shitty Housewife