So it is time I discuss something that has been on my mind for quite some time. A change that has set in a couple years ago and has become so prevalent in so much of my thinking lately. Something I kinda don’t want to admit, but feel like if I do, maybe someone, somewhere will reach and say… girl, I feel ya.
Here I go….I will just come out and say it.
I am no longer the hot girl in the room.
Ugh. There it is.
And side note, I was never THE actual hot girl in the room, but I was A hot girl in the room who had the confidence of Rocky Balboa and Ferris Bueller combined, making me feel like THE hottest girl in the room.
It is a weird place to be. Especially out in settings where men would approach me, bars, gyms, social settings. I used to get hit on. A decent amount. Like whenever I would go to a bar, club, party… men would come my way. I have always been cute. I have always had a killer little body and more than either one of those, I always have had a shitload of confidence, which once combined… all of those things make you very approachable.
It was very normal for me to end an evening with a few phone numbers and a few turn downs. But man, times have changed.
Now, I am stunned if I notice a man looking at me. I started to wonder… do I really look THAT different? Yeah, my body has changed. Boobs are smaller, not as tight and perky all over as I used to be… but I am still in shape. My face has more wrinkles, my eyes have much bigger bags… but I still have the same look. But what have I lost in the past few years of going from a single girl who did her own thing and only had to worry about herself and 2 pugs to a married women with 3 toddlers, a job and a shitload of responsibility? I lost me. My identity. And in doing that, my confidence is shot.
It sucks. I remember on date number 3 with Matt (how I remember who knows since I can’t even remember to take my slippers off and put on real shoes some days) I remember sitting on top of him and making out. He pulled away and in his oh so sexy New England accent said “You’re really hot.” Not so bashfully, I said something cute like “I know.” Then he explained, that yeah, I was physically “wicked hot” (hehehehehe) but that he was more attracted to my confidence. That he hadn’t met a girl who was “so proud to be herself.”
I tear up thinking about this moment because A) how sweet he recognized and appreciated it B) it seems like a lifetime ago and C) WHERE DID THAT GIRL GO??!!!
When we become adults, mainly caregivers, and especially women, we let ourselves go. And I am not just talking about appearance. We let our minds and our souls and our needs and our wants and our selves go to this thing we are taking care of. They come first. They are more important. They become who we are.
It happened so fast for me. As most readers know, I became pregnant… extremely unplanned, less than 3 months after meeting Matt. The girl who he began dating who loved herself more than she could love any man got knocked up and every single thing changed. FOR ME.
My sexy little body was no longer my own. It now belonged to this baby in my belly. And even after my daughter arrived, it still belonged to her. My boobs fed her. My arms held her. My heart soothed her. My everything was hers. Where was I? Somewhere inside trying to figure my way back.
2 more pregnancies later, here I am. A wife who has created 3 kids. And now that my youngest is no longer a baby, I am here in a state of confusion about myself. My world drastically changed and now, since we are done in the baby department, I am trying to find my way back to me. But how do you do it? How do you get your confidence back? How to you tap into your old self when your new self is so different?
My looks feel different. Some days I stare at myself in the mirror and think, who the fuck? I see me, but I don’t. When I am out I see younger girls, with their cute outfits, stacked with boobs and ass and I think ‘that used to be me.’ I watch men look at them and not me. I see my husband glance their way, then of course back to me to chat, but I think, ugh… he signed up for that and then bam, got this.
Maybe it is a constant battle for all women. Adjusting to getting older. Adjusting to life changes. But man, although I would not change one ounce of my life, I would still love to have that feeling again. To be THE hot girl in the room. Even if I never actually was, I would love to feel that confidence again.
Letting go is probably a huge part of this process. Letting go of the idea that I am no longer that age, that shape, that unwrinkled. And trying to learn how to embrace and love my new self. Enjoy my insanely small breasts. Love my crows feet. Laugh at my incredibly low stamina. I mean, it’s life and it is what happens.
Growing through adulthood is tough. And being a women through it is even tougher. And although we are the stronger sex, we have a harder fight. And maybe if I keep reminding myself that I have had a tough one and I have survived my fight and came out with an awesome family, a sexy husband, a slight (and temporary) blow to my confidence, that is ok. And hey even though I my never be that hot girl in the room anymore, I can confidently say I once was and damn it was fun.