Happy National Joe Day!!!

Like for real, this is a thing. National Joe Day! And I do celebrate, because why the heck not, right??!! The name Joe has a little bit of special meaning to me….when it comes to my sexual past, I have experienced two Joe’s. Both very attractive and fun! But it is such a simple name, with so many possibilities. And SO many hot guys from across the board with this name! So today, when you are masturbating, let a Joe pop into your head and celebrate today! Go Joe!

Brandon Flowers and Gwen Stefani

I love rockstars. I love sexy people. I love awesome humans. These two are all of the above plus more. I mean who doesn’t want to make out with a hot, talented, cool person, right??!!

Gwen Stefani…queen of cool. For like, so many years. Her style has changed, her look has changed and her music has changed, but her awesome cool chick, feminst, stylish funk has not. Her body is killer and her ex husband is like, the hottest (sorry to bring up old shit Gwen!) I love Gwen and everything she is about. And now she is a mom and still a rockstar…nothing shitty about that!

Brandon Flowers…need I say more. OMG he is so fucking hot. His music is killer (pun intended!) I have loved him for a hot minute and would do just about anything for a hot minute alone with him. His voice is beautiful, his lyrics are beatifully odd and he is the epitome of a hot rockstar.

So turn up the music and dust off the ol vibrator. Time to rock out with your cock out…or in my case, my vagina out!


The Shitty Housewife

Tom Welling and Mischa Barton

This week we have been tapping into our inner past selves and thinking about the days of the past. For me, my early 20’s would not have been the same without the good ole CW and it’s fantastically awful, yet awesome shows. So keeping that train of thought, I figured well, who were the hottest blast from the semi past ever…..Tom Welling and Mischa Barton! Welcome to Masturbation Monday, CW style.

Who didn’t love Mischa Barton when the O.C. came on?? She was beautiful and bitchy and nailed the whole Orange County teen thing perfectly. All girls wanted to be her and all boys wanted to bone her. And I probably wanted to do both! She always had the perfect clothes, perfect hair and perfect sun kissed tan while she was doing her high school thing. Although she had a crazy, weird death scene quick into the show, it was still great and she was still smoking!

Smallville. Superman. Teenage Clark Kent. TOM WELLING. Can you say lady boner even as I type this years after the show ended. WHAT A DREAMBOAT!!! In fact, Tom was on my Top 5 for many, many years. He is fucking beautiful and that body…..girl stop. I love the whole Superman thing and have watched almost every movie ever made about him. But this show was my obsession. Not only was it based around an awesome character, but Tom was SO good as a young version and even better to look at. The only probelm was there was never a hot sex scene…….Recently, I realized you can Netflix and run around screaming at your children while watching Smallville. And one weekend, when my husband is away, I plan to do so….with my vibrator.

So enjoy your Monday and take some time to reminisce about the CW and all its glory. Remember their teen angst and turn in into your Monday yanking the crank. (I am for real, that is a thing. I just looked up slang terms for masturbating…….)


The Shitty Housewife


Joseph Gordon-Levitt & Mary Louis-Parker

Happy Monday. Now that you are all marched and footballed out, it is time to get to something of the utmost importance…….MASTURBATION MONDAY!!!! Today I didn’t have a direct theme, but I knew of two people who I have been meaning to showcase for some time. And then it hit me…..3 NAMERS!!!!

Joseph Gordon-Levitt is the cutest man on the planet. For real, he is so damn adorable, sometimes it is hard to lok at him. He is so charming and politcal and sweet and a do gooder. He could have all the names in the world and it would still be totally cool and not annoying because of how rad this man is. He could hyphenate me all day long!

I really do not have words for Mary Louise-Parker. There are few that I consider queen status when it comes to housewives…..but she definitely makes the list. She has been around the block a few times and knows how to handle herself in the most sexy, confident, inspiring way. I love you girl….and damn you are sexy!!

So there ya go! Happy Hyphenated Masturbation Monday!


The Shitty Housewife




Barack and Michelle Obama

I can not believe it is time to say goodbye to these two. I know it isn’t goodbye forever, because I know how much they love our country and they will continue to work and fight for it, but it is goodbye for now. I also know some of my readers are not fans of the Obamas and that is okay, but I am. I am proud to have voted for him twice. I am also extremely honored and grateful to have lived, as an adult, during his presidency.

I have adored watching these two love each other. To see her love and support him and see him swoon and respect her has been beautiful. They see their role as major players (which they should, they are the first couple!) and they have excelled at showing their country the importance of love, the importance of family , and most of all the importance of respect for all.

Obama has accomplished goals that I will always appreciate as an American citizen. Fighting for climate change, fighting for gay rights, fighting for women, just fighting. He tried to pass a law against congress being involved in insider trading (which is WAY illegal for us regular folks) but it got denied (yes, those people in the higher seats can do it legally!) He humanized being a politican the best he could and I will always be grateful for all of those things.

This will be a sad week for many of us. But if I have learned anything from my president it is this… have hope. Believe in it. Believe in ourselves and our fellow Americans. Believe in kindness and love. Believe that we can. I have no idea what the future holds as far as politics are concerned. As a female, a member of the middle class, a mom to young children and a strong believer in so much our new president is against, I am scared. But as someone who has learned in 8 years that good things can happen, I am hopeful.

Thank you Barack and Michelle. For giving me 8 years of your life to fight for so many of ours. I can not wait to see what the future holds for you and your incredible family. Yes we can. Yes we did. Yes we can.

Ian Somerhadler & Taylor Swift

This week is all about the pussy. And I am not talking about vaginas….for once. I am talking about cats. I got one this weekend and I am slightly obsessed. He is the cutest kitty ever and I am glad I have a home for him, rather then him being put down. So this Masturbation Monday is dedicated to celebs who love their kitties. Ian and Taylor may not be #1 on your list, but they are hardcore kitty owners who are also insanely attractive. Say what you will about Tay Tay, but she is adorable and Ian….those eyes….melt. And they love a pussy…need I say more!!!!

Nathan Adrian and Tania Cagnotto

A lot of you won’t recognize these names. Sad but true. I am still in the Olympic spirit and since my best friend is the Olympic guru she told me these two needed to be featured. And yes they do. Nathan is a swimmer and Tania is a diver and both are not only AMAZING athletes, they are so freaking sexy it is crazy. They are fierce, determined and full of drive. Their bodies are impeccable and their smiles are beautiful. So let’s put on our swimmies and goggles and enjoy these two on this lovely Masturbation Monday.



Matthew Anderson and Hope Solo

Yep, it is the summer Olympic Games and I am celebrating my this Masturbation Monday with some hot ass athletes. There are so many to choose from. The bodies, the drive, the passion. You know that continues on and off the field! Anderson can spike and Solo can score…..I would take either! Enjoy these two 6 packing hotties!


Eric Taylor and Michelle Pfeiffer


Welp, it is that time of year. BACK TO SCHOOL! Grab your trapper keep and back pack (although nowadays it is more like grab your ipad and roller luggage.) So since this week marks the first day of some bells ringing, I thought for this Masturbation Monday I would feature actors who have played the role of teacher in a very sexy way.

Eric Taylor from ‘Friday Night Lights’ and Michelle Pfeiffer from ‘Dangerous Minds’

Although I never watched Eric in this particular role, I have heard he NAILED it. And nothing is hotter than a coach who cares about his students, works hard for his family and who can blow a whistle in all the right ways. Michelle, although as of late, has changed her looks a bit, is beautiful. But she worked that shit in Dangerous Minds. Coolio wasn’t the only one who boomed after that movie. She was raw, rough and tough. Something we all like to think about when we are enjoying our Monday time!

So happy back to class. If you have time to rub on out before first period, then I hope it is to these two! Now hurry up….I don’t want to cause anyone detention!


Alexander Skarsgard and Welp, Just Him

So I began this Masturbation Monday knowing I was choosing Alexander. It was a hard job searching for phots of him, which then lead to Youtube videos, which then lead too….welp masturbating. Picking a women to pair with this one was not happening. Alexander is a God amongst men. He is actually a God amongst everyone. He deserves his own day. His own space. His own aknowledgement.

I first saw him on True Blood and although he was hot, he was on a show filled with hot guys. But as the show went on, his hottness just exploded, while everyone else stayed the same. By the end, just hearing his voice or seeing that one raised eyebrow made my entire body shiver. I wanted him to do bad things to me constantly.

Fast forward till now. He is Tarzan……..fucking Tarzan and apparently nude like the whole movie. I am hoping to see this movie soon and ALONE. Just me and Mr. Skarsgard and his pure utter sexiness.

My apologies for not having a girl this week. He is just too much and would overshadow anyone. So enjoy this ladies and gents…this guy should make this week much better than last.