New Year Old Me

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It is the beginning of January. The time of year when everyone is feeling like setting new goals, new budgets, new workouts, new attitudes. It is a time to renew yourself and your life and have a huge sense of change in your daily living. We set new goals for ourselves to be more adult, more responsible, resolving to make our our lives more fufilled.

You know what I am saying this year…..FUCK THAT. I am saying new year, old me. And this year I am keeping my resolution!

I have tried the whole “New Me” thing several times. Eating better, starting a new excersie program, drinking more water, saving more money, being more patient. I have done it all. But as I began thinking about what I wanted to improve this year, it dawned on me. Remember when I used to be young and much more fun? The old me would resolve to make more friends. The old me would resolve to dance more. The old me would resolve to pet more animals and play more jump rope. The old, younger, innocent, child Jan would see the new year as a time to take something I love and do more of it. Living life to the fullest and making myself happy in any way I know how. The kid Jan would never to vow to do more of something I never really enjoyed. What kinda life goal is that???

So this year, I am reaching out to the child that has been pushed away by this life of adulting and asking her, what do you love and what should adult Jan do more of? I took days to reflect on this and I was so suprised and excited about what came to fruition.

I want to celebrate birthdays better. Remember when your friends birthdays were just as exciting as yours??? It is time to get that feeling back. I want to play more. Not just get so wrapped up in the daily grind of work, school, parenting….I want to play kickball and jump rope. Not just watch my kids play, I want to do it. I want to do more fun things with my hair, nails and clothes, like 20ish year old Jan used too. Now, I only doing things for my kids, I have completely lost myself and all of my accessory funkyness. I want to flirt more (with my husband) I want to laugh more, I want to thank people more, but mostly, I want to live life more.

I am so sick and tired of setting expectations that are not feeding my mind and my happiness. Yes, I need to eat better, work out more, save money, and be more patient. But these things should not be something I resolve to do in January. They should just happen as life happens. But you should resolve to better YOU by recreating old things that make you happy.

So cheers to January and making life more fun. Now if you’ll exuse me I need to go play Barbie and Spiderman with my kids…..I asked them to save Cabbage Patch baby for me!

xoxo

The Shitty Housewife

James Marsden and Rachel McAdams

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So I wanted to start the new year with a bang and by celebrating Masturbation Monday with two people I would like to bang. I have been a bg fan of both of these hotties for many years now. They both are beyond dreamy and both I could stare at for days.

Rachel McAdams is just simply stunning. She makes guys drool and women want to befriend her. Seriously, as cruel as she was in Mean Girls, I still wanted to hang out so badly with Regina George. And recently, her short role  South Paw, where she was drop dead gorgeous….and then she dropped dea, well it almost killed me too. I love her. LOVE HER!

James Marsden……god damn. Man, could this guy just stick his fork in me, because when I see him, I am done. He is so damn sexy….and that smile. It last for days. I was even turned on when he was the freaking Easter Bunny in Hop. James is the definition of handsome. I love him. LOVE HIM!

So I hope you enjoy this first edition of 2017 Masturbation Monday. It was certainly fun for me. Happy Tug Day Guys!

XOXO

The Shitty Housewife

My Year in Review

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Well this shitty year is coming to a close. I guess not everyone thinks this year was the pits, but I do think a lot of people can agree….2016 was rough. We lost a lot of amazingly talented people. The election just about killed everyone. And somehow, someway….a man who openly agrees grabbing a woman’s vagina without her consent is okay became the most powerful man in the world. So yeah, we have seen better years.

This year has been okay for me. Like everyone I have had good days and bad days. Of course, it has been another year of love and happiness when it comes to my cute little family, but it has been an intense year for us as well. This year was way more stressful than the previous year when we sold a house, moved, had a wedding and a third baby! I am not sure what made it seem so much harder, but it was. Anyway, I thought it would be fun to reflect on my year personally. Things I experienced personally. Nothing will round up this lame year like calling myself out on some shit! Here we go….

1. I became a working mom……I have been working very part time since I became a mom. But this year, I made the choice to go back full time. It has been great but very hard on me emotionally. I miss my kids. I hate missing things they are doing and experiencing. I beat myself up for talking shit about staying at home for so long. I took it for granted so much. I do enjoy having a paycheck and being able to help with expenses. I do enjoy getting away and having adult conversation. But I miss my stay at home mom days so much.

2. I started The Shitty Housewife….man this blog has been amazing for me. I have had so much fun expressing myself and releasing so much honesty. I have seen self growth that I haven’t experienced in years because of this site. I freaking love it and all of you who read it.

3. I became more political….I feel like I was always someone who followed politics, but this year, the election effected me in a way like never before. I know that I am the change. I know that I can make this a better place. And I know I will make it happen for every child in this country.

4. I witnessed two of my closet friends lose a parent…Ugh, it was terrible and just about a month apart. I still feel like a terrible friend because I never knew what to say or how to act. I will say, after watching these two incredibly strong women go through such tragedy and remain so positive was one of the most enlightening experiences of my life. Those girls are beasts and I am honored they love me.

5. I failed…..twice. And I don’t ever fail. I will go to my grave not understanding statistics and hating myself for thinking I could pass a second time.

6. Matt and I grew closer….and thank god, because that is what is suppose to happen in a marriage, right??!!

7. I survived sending my first child to school….Viv is in Pre-K and that day, hell that week was so hard. It is so tough sending your kids out into this world without you standing by your side. I was a wreak and she was the happiest I have ever seen her. She is thriving there and loves it. I am so lucky that she likes it as much as she does.

8. It was the first year in about 10 I have not worked out 4 days a week…or even 2 days a week for that matter. I did great in the beginning, but I have fallen off the horse hard in the past few months. Working out has always been a HUGE part of my life and this year, I was a major slacker. Time is just so stretched and waking up early just stopped happening. Better luck next year, right?!

9. I voted for a woman….yep. And I am very proud of that vote.

10. I wrote 5 songs….Hopefully you will hear them and more next year.

11. I was a bad friend and family member…I really was and I am resolving to not do it again. I never called, never meet up, never put in the effort like a normal person does. I love my family and my friends dearly, but this year, I failed them. No excuses. Time just slips away, every fucking day. But it has to stop, before they all hate and disown me.

12. I found out the true meaning of having 3 toddlers….Cam started walking, Kell started fighting and Viv, well is Viv. 2016 brought Matt and I a dose of parenting like I never thought possible. Life gets NO REALER than having a 4 year old, a 3 year old and a 1 year old. Geez….how we survived I will never know.

13. I witnessed my husband say goodbye to his best friend…I will never forget Matt’s voice when he called me on a Tuesday morning to tell me that his cousin/best friend had died. I laughed I was so caught off guard. It was a gut wrenching time in this house. It still is. Watching Matt go through this pain that I could not take away was awful. Knowing we will never hear that raspy voice again is awful. Seeing Matt, still, months later want to call him and chat is awful. Life can be awful, but as time goes on, you realize all of the memories you can share, stories you can tell and laughter this pain can create. This by far was the toughest experiences I have ever witnessed.

14. I celebrated my first anniversary….it was amazing. All day I was filled with thoughts of our wedding. That feeling. That love. That happiness. And realizing it has only been one more and we have SO many more ahead of us?! How fucking awesome is that?! This first one was excellent though. So sweet and so full of love. Exactly how an anniversary should be.

Well, that was my year…in a nutshell. Filled with so many different feelings man. The good bad, the ugly and the beautiful. Cheers to 2017 and a year full of love, progress, family, friends and growth!

xoxo

The Shitty Housewife

George Michael

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Heart broken. What a sad day. The loss of such an open minded, welcoming, smart, musical, beautiful human. George Michael has passed away and 2016 has again punched us all in the gut. Some people find it weird when we mourn a famous person. Someone we have never met. But it isn’t weird at all. Some people, who you never get to meet touch your soul in a magical way and when they pass, you are deeply saddened.

I was a fan of his right away. My mom played his music a ton and we had many moments of dancing around the living room belting out his tunes. As I got older, and he did as well, his lyrics became so moving to me. So free, so open. He was so sexy, but more than that, he made ME feel sexy. He made me feel safe thinking about my body and how beautiful it is. His music moved me. Today I celebrate him, his talent and his love for making us move our bodies and minds. Thank you Mr. Michael. Thank you for giving us you.

xoxo

The Shitty Housewife

Crock Pot Spaghetti Squash

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So there was this video recipe I saw all over Facebook. It was a slow cooked spaghetti squash, finished off like a true pasta. The reviews were raving. I have always wanted to cook spaghetti squash and I needed to get back to this Fat Kid Friday deal, so I thought….PERFECT. Everyone claimed it tasted just like real pasta and that you could sneak a veggie to your kids. I thought, well this will be great…….well here is my review.

Ingredients: 1 Spaghetti Squash. 4oz. Cream Cheese. 2 cups frozen peas. 5 pieces of bacon. Parmesan cheese. Salt and Pepper.

Step One:

Poke holes in the squash and put in the crock pot with 1 cup of water for 3 hours.

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Step Two:

Once the 3 hours is getting close to being over, dice bacon up and fry it. And do actually 6 pieces, because your fat ass will eat like an entire piece “just taking a quick bite.”

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Step Three-

Listen to the hardship of an almost 2 year old

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Step Four-

Take out squash. Cut in half. Take the top layer out with the seeds and throw it away. Then scoop out the rest and put back in the crock pot (do not remove the water!!!)

Step Five-

Add cream cheese, bacon and peas. Let cook for anther 45 minutes.

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Step Six-

Let your kids watch creepy play dough Youtube videos because you are that kinda mom sometimes.

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Step Seven-

Mix all together and serve. We paired it with a salad and some garlic bread.

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So here is how dinner began……..”Hey guys, it is pasta! Eat up!”

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Here is how it ended…..IN FUCKING TEARS FOR EVERYONE INCLUDING ME!!! This recipe was great….for Matt and I. The kids hated it. They thought it was so gross. And it wasn’t at all. But they were being super annoying and dramatic. We are sticklers for finishing dinner and that was not happening. Everyone was crying, yelling and throwing fits. I had to excuse myself because I was so irritated (hence my tears.) I would say go for it with this recipe, but for real, it does NOT taste like pasta! Those little punks will know!!!

xoxo

The Shitty Housewife

Thursday Thoughts

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So I have always been a ‘girl power’ kinda chick, but lately my feminist side has really been feeling strong. As I get older and as I see my daughter develop into an actual human, I truly do see women being the underdog. I know it has been that way for centuries and I also know that women have it much better than some groups of people. But today I am focusing on us. Us vaginas. And the reality that we aren’t given the credit we deserve.

We have always been considered the weaker sex. But think about it….wouldn’t the stronger sex be the one’s who can grow a human inside of them? Wouldn’t the stronger sex be the one’s who had to give up their body for 9 + plus, then push an entire human out of a very small hole. Wouldn’t the stronger sex have to then feed and nurture the baby with their own body part. The fact that we are considered weaker yet we bear the children is just an extremely odd thought.

We also have way more blame to deal with. If someone gets accidentally knocked no one is walking around looking at the guy all shady. Trust me, I have been there. When I found out I was pregnant with Viv, I heard people say shit like, “Oh, locking him down” and “Sure you took your birth control.” No one said shit to Matt. Just talked about his super sperm and what a man he was. Not only did I have to deal with a multitude of body adjustments, but also constant questioning and second guessing of myself. I survived. So wouldn’t all of that  make me the stronger of the 2 between Matt and I?

And they idea that when someone is weak they get called a pussy. What the fuck is that??? I have been flicked/gabbed/hit in the pussy and was just fine. But Jesus….barely tap some dude in the balls and GAME OVER. He is down on his knees crying like a little bitch. And in the act of sex pussy’s are the ones getting pounded, not doing the pounding, which again, receiving a pounding is a lot harder. So this whole idea of calling someone a pussy as a result of weakness is fucking wrong. Next time someone calls me a pussy, my reply….DAMN STRAIGHT.

I know, I know, we have taken strides thanks to some amazing women. But every once in awhile I just wish we had taken larger ones. I wish locker room talk didn’t exist. I wish when a man violated a woman he would have to pay his dues and not be excused. I wish that it was true that my daughter will have the exact same opportunities in life that my sons will. I wish that a woman’s place was in the kitchen. The kitchen in the White House, while she is drinking a cold beer, asking her First Man if he had a nice day.

xoxo

The Shitty Housewife

 

 

Love…3 Times Around.

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Recently there was an article swarming around social media about how most people have 3 great loves of their loves. It was a beautiful piece and shared many times over. I read it. Twice actually. It really resonated with me. I could actually relate to the words I was reading so very much. I got to thinking about my past relationships and the impact they have had on me and growing into my final relationship with Matt.

I have kissed many frogs. In fact I spent a good majority of my 20’s making out with the entire city of Atlanta. I loved dating. I really did. Yeah, I had some shitty experiences but they all brought me to the place I needed to be when I went on that first date with Matt. He was not my first love. In fact he wasn’t my second love. And besides those 2 and him, I have told 2 other men I loved them ( because I thought I did.) And in between those 5 “I Love You’s” I had many short and long term interactions with men I really liked and enjoyed. Some I may have eventually fallen in love with if I took the time. Some may have fallen in love with me. But the time was ended because in my head, we both got what we needed from each other and it was time to take that and stop.

I fell in love for the first time when I was 19. We dated for 5 years. We lived with each other and supported each other. For a long time, I did think he was going to be my first and only boyfriend. He was the person I slept with. The first guy I opened up too. The first male I had ever trusted (I am a fatherless daughter, so this was HUGE.) But after many years of being together, we grew up. We wanted to experience more. We were best friends….and that was it. Which is great when a relationship turns into that when you are 85…not so much 24. We separated but to this day are friends. In fact Matt and him love each other and I consider his wife one of my good friends. We even asked them to be in our wedding (but her being super knocked up made travel hard!) Anyway, what I learned from that relationship was just how important a friendship while in love is. Having your person also be your buddy. Because when all the perky boobs and nice abs are gone and the sex is no longer, and your kids have kids,  and it is just you and them, you must simply like your partner. And he taught me this.

The second time I was in true love was many years later. The craziest thing about this guy is that I actually never officially dated him. I never actually said the words, ‘I love you’ to him. But I did. So much. This man effected me in a way I had not thought possible. From the moment he first spoke to me, my entire heart felt different. I don’t even know how to speak of my relationship with him now without rambling on and on.. because it  was a very odd situation. He lived across the country. We spoke in and out. We made it a point to see each other, but never in the capacity that 2 people in love should. He told me in so many ways that he loved me, but never in the way I actually needed. It was a very tough scenario and I can honestly say he is the only person who ever broke my heart. I cried more tears over him then I have ever over a man. Between him and my first love, I had two pretty serious relationships . But after the experience with this guy, I realized that I was not in love or loved like I deserved to be. And this man showed me that. Even though he did not say it, he showed me what I deserved. And more than that he showed me how someone should feel about a partner. He showed me how I should be in love. Although it was confusing and excruciating it was incredible. And I am so happy to have had that experience to learn from.

Which brings me to love….3 times around. My Matt O. The ultimate love of my life. Matt embodies everything good, positive and lovable about all the men I have chosen to date in my life. I have taken  all of my experiences and learned from them. Things  I like and things I hate. Traits I find tolerable and traits that are deal breakers. He is all the good in each one of my relationships. He is my buddy from love #1, he is an excellent kisser like that guy I met in Vegas. He is makes me laugh like that one random blind date I had. He loves foreplay like this awesome dude I hung out with for awhile. He is gorgeous like this hot neighbor I used to sleep with. He loves me like love #2 does, but he tells me in every way imaginable and more importantly then that, he lets me love him, the exact way I know how.

So make sure as you date and as these experiences end….even though a break up can suck, it can also be amazing. That person just made you a little more open to the path where your 3rd love is. And trust me, that shit is worth the wait.

xoxo

The Shitty Housewife

Bernie Sanders

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Bernie Sanders

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Every once in awhile I like to feature one person. And today, I was feeling the Bern. And yeah, I probably am not jerking off to him anytime soon (well maybe those old photos….kinda sexy.) But I can get off to so many ideas and political views I share with him. I try to not bring politics to this blog, but this Masturbation Monday isn’t about politics. It is about being turned on by someone who believes and fights. And nothing is sexier to me than a fighter and a believer.

This weekend an idea hit me like a ton of bricks. Yet another journey I would love to venture. I have been doing so much soul searching lately about the path I want to take. And although, at my age, I should have already set a path, I have not. I was reading an old speech given by Bernie and this idea popped into my head. I was filled with so much emotion, so much hope and so much joy. His words inspired me so deeply, I believe that if I fight for this idea, I can change the world….or someone’s world.

So cheers to you Bernie for the inspiration. And I hope you guys google “Bernie 1960.” You may be hitting that bathroom for a quick minute!

Happy Monday

xoxo

The Shitty Housewife

Am I hot???

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So the other day I was at the grocery store….alone. A rare moment for a woman with 3 kids. One is always wanting to join in the Kroger fun. But somehow I managed to sneak away by myself…..IT WAS AMAZING!

Anyway, I was pushing my cart out of the store and I noticed a man….noticing me! It was crazy. I mean, not like I am some dog who no one has ever looked at. I am just so used to getting looks like…”woah, that bitch has a lot of blonde children,” or “look at that poor disheveled mom, she needs a shower.” No, this man was looking at me. I suddenly snapped into the mind set of being 24, young, cute, with perky breasts out at a bar and a cute boy is coming your way. And on top of that amazing feeling…he was sooooo hot.

Of course, we just gave each other a glance and that was it. But I got to thinking, how sad that I was that BLOWN AWAY by being looked at. Like, it was mildly pathetic how giddy I became.

Look it is not like my husband does not make me feel hot. He does. But it is different. When a total stranger, who is young and hot and single gives you that “hey girl” look, it is different. You feel wanted, and sexy and like, well you are a prize (WHICH YOU ARE!) I know that I am constantly telling Matt how sexy he is. But if some hot 22 year old, perky breasted chick flirted with him, his ego would swell up like Tyler Durden in a peak fight. It is the nature of the game.

And I can swear to myself all day that I will try harder when I leave the house. I will look showered and put on a tad of make up. But in reality, that shit is not going to happen. But when it does, maybe another total stranger will glance my way and send me into a flurry of awkward flirtiness. Nothing wrong with that right??

And to the random beanie wearing boy, in the non skinny jeans with the old school Stussey shirt on…thank you. You made me feel great and wanted, and like I am not always a wreak of a mom. Plus, a thank you from my husband, because he for sure got laid after our encounter!

 

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Thursday Thoughts…FINALS WEEK

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Ugh, it is that dreaded time in any students life….FINALS WEEK. All the work you have been doing for the past 14 weeks is being put to the test. For real. I hate this time of the semester. It is the pits. And this one is especially tough for me.

If you follow me and my blog you know that I am in a class for the second time. And for the second time, I am not doing well. I must do well on the final or I will have a D in the class, which in college, D’s do NOT get degrees. So to say I am stressed is a god damn understatement.

This week has been tough. Trying to balance our schedules and fit it all in. Plus our one helper, Matt’s mom, got in an accident. Thank god she is okay, but she did hurt her knee and is now on crutches for 6 weeks. So our extra set of hands is not available. We have been through plenty of situations, much more stressful than this, but for some reason, we are not handling this week well. We have spent most of the week jumping down each others throats or just ignoring each other.

I set up my exam schedule to get this stupid statistics test over with first. Tomorrow. 4pm. The other two I feel good about and have B’s in both classes. My main focus is this one mother fucking bitch of a class. If I pass this class, I will graduate next summer and this whole lame idea of going back to school will be over. If I fail, I need to change my major, switch schools and lose a shit load of credits. Failing is not an option…..but it actually is because I am HORRIBLE at math. I am trying to stay positive but my head is taking me to places like, well what should I switch my major too, and what bitchy email I will write the teacher. I guess my head is just being realistic. Ugh.

But either way, this exact moment tomorrow, my statistics adventure will be over. 24 more hours of unknowing and worry. One more day to stare at information that is completely foreign. Pass or fail, it will be done.

So this time tomorrow, if you see me on social media….you will know I passed. If you see nothing, assume the worst. Either way, I will have a beer in my hand, a kid on my hip and a cute boy telling me I am awesome (except at statistics.)

xoxo

The Shitty Housewife