Jan O, the Cry Baby

I cried at work today.

This is something I am not proud of.

I am not saying crying is a bad thing, I just like to do it the privacy of my own home and when people don’t actually know it is happening.

My boss put me on the spot  (he could tell something was bothering me) and oh lord, I released and with that came the fucking water works.

Don’t get me wrong, I like my job. I am passionate about my work and I believe I am there, in corporate America fighting for the underdog. But lately, I feel like every aspect of my work day is filled with negativity and that is not fitting for my perky ass. So today, shit hit the fan inside my little head and I cried.

And I probably wasn’t even crying about work.

I was crying thinking about the incredibly large amount of laundry I had waiting for me at home.

I was crying because I knew it was my turn to cook dinner, and I am over cooking at the moment.

I was crying because I can’t afford Justin Timberlake tickets.

I was crying because I haven’t had a carb in days (fucking Keto.)

I was crying because I haven’t had a decent nights sleep since 2012.

I was crying because my boobs will never be as perky as they used to be.

I was crying because I will never know what happened to Angela Chase and Jordan Catalano once they got on that bus at the end of the one and only season of My So Called life.

I was crying because sometimes I just feel like the world is fucking intense and I need to shed some god damn tears.

It does not help that my boss is a man, who probably views crying as weak. But I am not letting that get to me too much. I have seen him with a man cold, so if you consider one of us weak…well, I birthed three children and never looked as “drained” as he did while blowing his stuffy nose. But it does always feel like a “better of the sexes” type thing when we cry. Although, if I did cry to a female boss, I may have been even more embarrassed. I mean a girlboss is tough shit, so hopefully I’d keep my shit together, right?!

But sometimes shit boils up. Sometimes, even shitty ol me gets emotional, overwhelmed and frustrated to the point of tears. Sometimes I just get so fed up that people just can’t be normal and decent and the aggravation gets to me. Sometimes wearing as many hats as I do, a mom/wife/employee/volunteer/writer/overall awesome human being gets to be too much and I need a break. But when you wear that many hats, breaks are so few and far between.

So when he pulled me aside and asked, “are you sure you are okay” I took that as an open invitation to have a mental “break” down.

I cried at work today. And now I feel like my boss will never look at me the same ( like I’m the crazy bitch who cried.) Or maybe it’s that I won’t view myself with as much respect as his peer as I did pre cry. Who knows. All I know is that it happened and in life, take backs are few and far between.

I guess the next step is owning it (and possibly ignoring it) and enter the office tomorrow with my head held high and my tissues stashed in my drawer.

xoxo Jan O

The Shitty Housewife

Very-bad-crying-Sad-Meme

 

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