Category: Daily Shit

BBQ, Pimento Cheese, Bacon Burgers

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So with the Super Bowl this week (hey don’t forget to enter The Shitty Housewife’s Super Bowl Contest!!!!) and the quick bout of beautiful Atlanta weather we had this week, Matt and I decided it was time to get our BURGER on. There is nothing better than homemade burgers on the patio in awesome weather (well actually, there is a lot that is better than that…..good sex, long vacations, a full nights sleep, being rich, but we are talking dinner here people, that’s it.)

So we decided to make BBQ, Pimento Cheese, Bacon Burgers. Here is what you need….
INGREDIENTS
Ground Beef
Salt and Pepper
Cayenne Pepper
Garlic Salt
Onion Powder
Bacon
Pickled Jalapenos
Pimento Cheese
BBQ Sauce (your favorite)
Buns
Sides
Condiments
NAPKINS
 Step 1. Turn on your grill and put a cookie sheet on it to start heating it up.
Step 2. Grill the Bacon ( flip after about 4 minutes on each side)
Step 3. Watch your boys cheers each other (ugh, we have a long Irish future ahead of us)
Step 4. Have your partner take over duties
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Step 5. After seasoning your burgers, put them on the grill (and see your obsessed husband clean as he cooks)
Step 6. Set out the sides you bought pre-made from Publix, because you are The Shitty Housewife who has no time for side salads. (Side note, Publix Macaroni Salad is AMAZING!!!)
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Step 7. Once burgers are cooked add pimento cheese and bacon (and just some cheddar to the kids burgers because they won’t appreciate the yumminess of the pimento/bacon combo)
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Step 8. Feed the fatty
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Step 9. Bun that bitch, add BBQ sauce and jalapenos and BAM!
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Step 10- Ask your daughter how she likes it (but know deep down inside she is on;y eating it to be a member of the clean plate club and receive dessert)
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Shittiest Move of the Week

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Happy Friday people, or as I like to call it, Happy Start to Drink Beer Day!

Another week has past and numerous funny, inappropriate, and shitty things have happened in The Shitty Housewife’s Household. Now once again, I could pick my worst for this week, but I thought I would instead take you down memory lane. Super Bowl memory lane, when I was the Shittiest House Guest EVER!

Last year at this time I was weeks away from giving birth to my third baby. Now I may call myself The Shitty Housewife, but I do also think I am a bad ass. And even though the baby could have been arriving at any minute, I decided to take an 8 hour road trip with Matt, Viv and Kell to visit his sister for her Super Bowl party. You know, because most women travel that far with labor impending….again, I think I am a bad ass.

 

The trip was going great. I tried my best to keep up. I walked the beaches, I stayed out late with the adults. I pretended that the actual human inside of me was not a big deal. So the day of the Super Bowl, we had a long menu of unhealthy food prepared. I mean, a variety of meats doused in sauce, dips galore, desserts aplenty and of course….CHEESE.

 

I gorged. Liked took the word gorged to a whole new level. I was actually disgusted with myself at one point, but I was 8 months pregnant, it was the Super Bowl and as everyone else drank and partied, I just sat and ATE.

 

I stayed up for the whole game and then exhaustion hit. I was full, tired and ready for a great night sleep.

 

Suddenly at 3 am shooting pains in my abdominal hit hard. I shot out of bed.

“Holy Shit, am I in labor?!” I thought. I waddled out of bed and stood up. It just got worse. I was keeled over. Matt was in the other room sleeping with the kids. Then I realized I was going to vomit….NOW. I ran as fast as my big ol self could to the bathroom and as soon as I opened the door I started puking. I grabbed the trash can and threw up. Crawled my way to the toilet and spent the next 2 hours throwing up all the yummy food I had just spent hours eating.

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IT WAS AWFUL.

When I was done, I cleaned up as best as I could in my exhausted, puke aftermath haze. I put the trash can outside the front door and waddled back to bed.

 

 

The next morning was a blur. We woke up late and had to rush to get on the road. I knew I looked as awful as I felt because everyone was asking me what was wrong. I just wanted to get in the car, get this long road trip over with, get home and never eat again. About an hour into our drive home I was telling Matt what had happened, when I suddenly realized I never cleaned out the bathroom trashcan. I just left it outside of their front door, puke stained.

I think I cut cheese out of my diet for the next 3 weeks, until Cam made his arrival. This year, Super Bowl will be much different. I will still eat, I will still enjoy the food, but maybe, just maybe I will have a little self control. And I won’t be ordering any wicker trashcans off Amazon…

Bring it, Kayla

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So last week I talked about maintaining a MILF status. Today, my girl Nicole blessed us with her magical words about being mom hot (which PS…DID SHE NOT NAIL IT???!!!!! I was crying when I read that because we have all had that feeling) Anyway, you guys were awesome about giving me ideas of work out plans, ideas and goals. Well, after all this talk about feeling good, I have picked one. A very daunting one, but hey I am going to give it my shittiest shot and hope MILFing is right around the corner. (I know MILFing is not a word, but I kinda love it.)

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Kayla Istines is this hot little Australian girl who believes in being strong. Not skinny. She has a huge following with Instagram and Facebook. Her Bikini Body Workouts are so popular that the BBG community is overflowing. And the before and afters pics are outrageous. The thing is, she keeps it realistic. And she doesn’t encourage being skinny. She wants us to be STRONG. And a strong body is a strong mind and we all need that. Her workouts are 28 minutes long and can be done anywhere. When I was choosing what I wanted to do and blog about, I wanted to make sure it was doable at home. Not everyone can afford a gym membership, so this was important to me for my readers. You have three days of Kayla work outs. Then two days of cardio. That seems like a lot. 5 days. And again, I am going to do my best. But everything is 30 minutes. I will find 30 minutes.

This shit looks intense. And I know when I start, I will suck. But I also know getting stronger is very important and I also know that I need someone else’s guidance in making this happen. I also want a community of help and the #BBG community and the #Kaylamovement is just that. 

This is a 12 week long program. (Yikes) and I know I will have slip ups. And that is OK. But in 12 weeks, maybe I will have a Bikini Body (probably not) but we will see. But at least I will be stronger. I’ll keep you updated weekly and if anyone wants to join me and Kayla. let me know! Monday is 5 days away…..DON’T MAKE ME DO THIS ALONE!!!!!

‘Hot Mom’ or ‘Mom Hot’?

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Recently I have been having some issues with my self-esteem. Shocker, right? I’ve been constantly wondering if my boyfriend has been looking at other girls, or comparing me to that hot chick, or wishing I was more like that girl he saw on Instagram. I keep wondering if I am making him happy, in bed, in life. I wonder if he really is ‘just tired’ or he sees the extra me that has stuck around after the baby. I wonder if he still sees me as who I used to be before the kid. It seems my feeling of self-esteem is in two phases throughout my life: before baby and after baby.

I just don’t feel hot.

I feel ‘mom hot’

Now, let’s not get this confused with ‘hot mom.’ Because they are two completely different ideas. See, ‘hot mom’ is what your son’s friends call you when you pick him up from soccer practice in shorts, a tank top, and flip-flops, late because you were planting new flowers in the front lawn and covered in dirt and sweat. Sorry son, (if I ever have you) but I will be honored when your friends think I could be a stripper. I’ll wear that shit like a badge of honor when I’m feeling old and far from sexy.

No, ‘mom hot’ is a whole other evil. If you don’t see the difference, let me explain…

‘Mom hot’ is excited you don’t have food on your clothes and in your greasy hair and it’s already 10am.

‘Mom hot’ is excited your eyeliner is still sticking around after you got crazy the other day during nap time and attempted makeup. Today we call it a smokey eye, who cares if it looks more like Ozzy.

‘Mom hot’ is wearing an almost freshly cleaned pair of yoga pants and a cute top to get that “I just threw this on and still look amazing but whatever, I didn’t try” vibe that other moms seem to pull off so well.

‘Mom hot’ is finding a new topic to talk about with your boyfriend other than your cracked nipples and your kid’s bowel movements that day.

‘Mom hot’ is talking to girls your age without kids and feeling like a total fucking outsider who doesn’t belong. Like, really, y’all don’t know about colostrum?

‘Mom hot’ is feeling like a mom. Just a mom, and very little like a woman.

 

Now, before I get berated for not being happy with being a mom: that’s not it. I am completely in love with my daughter and my boyfriend. I never imagined I could be this excited about every day with a weird little bald puppy human. The problem is, I feel like a mother first and a woman second.

And I’m going to change that.

I don’t plan on changing my parenting style. I will still momma-bear the fuck out of anyone who messes with my kid. But I am going to start changing my outlook on what it means, to me, to be a mother.

When I think about what I need to change, I find mainly it is how I see myself. It would be easy to blame it on my boyfriend for not being Nicholas fucking Sparks type of sweet all the time but that’s just not him and I am totally ok with that. I could easily blame him for not noticing little things that no one would notice besides me or not telling me I’m sexy enough but he is not the problem. I am. And therefore I am the only person who will be able to make a difference in this.

I am going to find myself hot again. I am going to let myself walk down the street and think the stares in my direction are because someone finds me attractive, and not because they are trying to figure out what is stuck in my hair.I am going to give myself and my body the respect it deserves. I’m not going to worry about the extra skin and stretch marks, but I am going to work out to feel healthy and proud. I am going to remember that to be the mom that I am, I was a woman first.

I am going to take the time for myself to do my hair and makeup a few days a week and put effort into how I dress. I am going to invest in myself enough to get clothes that fit and that make me feel fucking fabulous. And I am going to feel even better that I got it for $5 from Goodwill because thrift stores are my bitch.

I am going to try to see myself how my boyfriend sees me (even from those weird angles that every guy likes and every girl doesn’t understand.) I am going to TRY not to shoot down his compliments because I know how much he hates it when I do and I know how much I hate that he doesn’t see himself the way that I see him.

And I am hoping this will help me. I am hoping even more though, that it will help my daughter. I don’t want her growing up watching me worry and obsess over how I look and seeing me constantly down myself. I want her to grow up seeing me take pride in myself and my appearance and help her learn to be powerful and proud of who she is.

I am going to be hot again, god dammit.

xoxo

Nicole

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Wife Life

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Wife VS Girlfriend…

So I have been a girlfriend a lot longer than I have been a wife. In fact, I only recently got married and became a wife.

I became a girlfriend for the first time when I was 20 years old. Currently I am 36, so I have a ton more girlfriend experience. I honestly don’t think girlfriends get enough credit. Yes, when Matt and I exchanged vows and made that step, things did change. MAJORLY. But that is for another blog. Prior to that I was his girlfriend for almost 5 years and most people did give me that respect of importance in his life, but some did not. And sadly, the people who did not were mainly women. Most of the time, not openly, but females were the ones who asked the questions like “Do you guys talk about marriage?” “Don’t you want a ring?” “Isn’t marriage important?” “How do you know he is committed?” HHHHHMMMMM, how do I know? Because I fucking know.

At the time he was my boyfriend and we had committed to that and that was enough. That was major. We lived together. We had kids together. We discussed major life issues together. We planned a future together. The wedding and ring did not solidify our relationship as a couple. Our open love, respect and loyalty is what made us solid.

When you get married (especially when you already have children) society is so much more accepting. You don’t get sad eyes saying “Oh, you aren’t married to your baby daddy?” But my role has not changed. Our commitment hasn’t changed. I was just as much a committed girlfriend as I am a wife and the same for Matt. I was so proud to call him my boyfriend. I was even prouder to call him my baby daddy.

Being in a long term committed relationship should not only be accepted if a piece of paper and a piece of jewelry are involved. It should be fine with zero questions attached to it when you are deeply in love and in it for the long haul.

I did think about marriage and if we would get married. I wondered if Matt would at some point propose to me. I remember my friends asking me when we were going to have a wedding. But looking back, I kinda regret those thoughts. Because while I was wasting my time doing that, he was building a life with me. He was working on his future with me. He wasn’t concerned about creating a title for me. He was only concerned about creating a life with me.

Society and it’s so called acceptable standards get in the way of every aspect of our lives. If you are a girlfriend, do not let it get in the way of that. That shit is AWESOME. Someone wants to be with you, for a long period of time, and love you! I promise…THAT IS ENOUGH!!!!

Now trust me, I ADORE being a wife. But I don’t consider myself A wife. I consider myself HIS wife. With love and respect Matt asked me to be his wife. It wasn’t because it was time, or because we rushed, or because I pressured him. It was simply because it felt right to us to change our title.

Be proud to be your role. Whatever it may be. And be proud to tell someone you are not married yet. Don’t let them take that special feeling you get when you are a girlfriend away. You never know when your role will change and it will happen at the perfect time, with the perfect person and with the perfect piece of THEIR HEART.

Bryan Cranston and Diane Lane

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I hope your bullets have fresh batteries and you have extra lotion on hand, because today is a double dose of parental hotness. You heard correct boys and girls, we are checking off the 50-65 age bracket for today’s Masturbation Monday.

So everyone who has a pulse knows who Walter White is. (And if you don’t, well I suggest you stop reading this very moment and sit down with a pack of smokes, 8 tombstone pizzas and binge watch the best show that has ever happened to TV, Breaking Bad.) The leading man, Walt aka Heisenburg, may not be that hot on the show, but god almighty if he isn’t the tallest glass of water off camera.

Look, maybe it is my deep seeded daddy issues, but there is something not only sexy about Bryan Cranston, but so comforting. I grew up without a real father presence and I long for that from Bryan. Seriously, I want him to adopt me and take me to the fair and make me pancakes, you know daddy stuff. CREEPY alert, I also want bang him. I do not want to bang my dad, just Bryan, when he is pretending to be my dad……ok I just made this so weird. Fuck it, just look at the pictures below and have fun. Daddy issues or not, you can not deny this dreamie piece of man.

Bryan has not only done TV, he has accomplished movies, Broadway and will soon be a voice for an animated role this summer. He has been with his wife forever, never has bad publicity and just seems super fucking cool. I love him and one day when he adopts me I promise I will stop lusting after him.

 

So if you have seen Unfaithful, you have pretty much seen some of the best PG-13 sex scenes that have ever existed. I mean for real, like one of the hottest movies ever and mainly because of Diane Lane. I remember watching her and thinking, wow, that lady is fucking sexy.

She embraces classiness in a way that most Hollywood leading ladies can’t. She has mastered her roles with grace, beauty and EXTREME hotness. She has made males of all ages swell up and continues to do so even as she gets older. I only hope to still look that good and can turn people on when I am her age! Man ol’ man Miss Lane, go on with your hot self.

Catelynn <3 Tyler

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So since Rye Guy decided to slam Farrah, I thought we would keep up with the Teen Mom theme for the salute.

I used to catch an episode or two of the show, but it got hard to watch. I will say this, when I did watch I was always pretty impressed by Catelynn and Tyler. The fact alone that they were brave enough to realize that they could not give their child the life she deserved because they were so young was fascinating to see. They chose to put their baby up for adoption. Then they stuck to their guns, went through with the adoption, and gave a couple who had tried forever to have a baby, the gift of a sweet precious girl.

I can not imagine being strong enough to do that. And I admire every single couple who does this. Adoption is the answer in so many cases. It is a smart, courageous, bold and beautiful decision. You are making a couple a family and giving a child a chance at a better life. Nothing is more meaningful that that.

They were only 16!!!!! What a hard choice to make so young! But they did it. And now, years and years later they are STILL together. They are married, have their own child and still have a relationship with their adopted baby and her parents. I salute you C and T!!!! You are the smartest two kids MTV has ever seen!

Fuck You Farrah

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Farrah, Farrah, Farrah

Every now and then I get roped into watching some mind numbing reality tv shows. Wait, I gotta be honest with ya, I am slightly more addicted to shit tv than I’m comfortable admitting.  Everything from Couples Therapy and Jersey Shore, to Intervention and Where Are They Now, Real Life and Teen Mom 1,2 and now Teen Mom O.G. Some of you may have caught a few episodes or you are completely enthralled and wont miss a second of the drama.

Some of the people on these shows have some personalities that you really relate to, even maybe say to your self, “Man have I been there” or you really think, “I could hang out with that guy/girl.” Whether it be Snookie, Jay Wow or Pauly D to Vanilla Ice and Ron Jeremy on Big Brother.  Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, has gotten under my skin, and I’m sure under the skin of most halfway decent people that have ever had the displeasure of watching M.T.V’s Teen Mom O.G.’s

Farrah Abraham, known by some as “Backdoor Teen Mom” or the headline dancer at Palazio’s Gentleman’s Club in Austin, Texas.  To me that’s all well in good, do what you do. But the part that really chaps my ass is her relationship with her mother and her interactions with the crew that has the miserable displeasure of having to spend their work day getting bitched at for wearing shoes in her house or using a glass in her cabinet for a glass of water. She is such an out and out bitch that she made M.T.V. get an outhouse for the sound man and camera man to use. Mind you, these two guys are the same two that have filmed her segments for the past six years. Just to give you an idea, one of the other teen moms on the show recently had another baby and asked her sound woman to be the babies god mother!

On a recent episode Farrah had asked her mother to watch Sophia while she was away on a business trip. Sophia is Farrah’s rotten little brat daughter who is constantly hitting her grandmother, sticking her tongue out and just plain being a miniature version of her mother.  I know that picking on the kid is not very grown up, but this isn’t about me!

So more about her, in the conversation with her mother she says, “Mom I just want you to know that I have rules at my house.” These rules included “using to much detergent when doing laundry.” Just so everyone is clear here, her mom lost her job in an attempt to schedule the multi week baby sitting engagement. She basically put her life on hold to help out her daughter.

On Farrah’s Wikipedia page it states that Farrah and her mother have always had a tumultuous relationship. When Farrah found out that she was preggo at 16, her mother denied her an abortion. A lot of Farrah’s actions and comments towards her mom makes me wonder if she resents her mother for having to grow up too fast.  As they say Play ya Play.

Now that I have said that, I really need to say this: Farrah Abraham is a self centered, disrespectful, plastic surgery laden piece of shit.  The way that she speaks to her mother makes me sick to my stomach.  The way she allows her daughter to treat adults drives me fucking insane.  She was recently invited by a friend to a party in the Hamptons as a +1. When the host of the party found out that she was coming, an email was sent saying that she was not welcome. She then showed her face with her mother and manager there anyway and was quickly showed the door, a highlight of my reality television watching career.  She truly is the bottom of the barrel.

I, myself, have never been at a loss for words. I consider myself a decent conveyer of words, yet I  feel like a small visual aide should be included. So here is a small mish-mash of some of this despicable human, for your viewing pleasure.   I hope she gives you the same blood curdling, stomach rolling, ‘who shit their pants’ feeling that she gives me.

I very rarely use the word hate, but I hate her, and to tell you the TRUMP truth, I’m not a real big fan of her daughter either.  For your viewing pleasure or maybe just to bring you down to my level we have included here you go. Check out this skank in all of her glory.

Lunch Fail

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Well guys, I failed. I promise, I had it is my schedule to make a meatloaf and tell you all how I made it. Because, honest to god, I make a good fucking meatloaf. But my plan got screwed up. My schedule changed. We had to rush out of town last week and we got back super late Tuesday. Wednesday was a blur, Thursday I ended up working a double so Matt could spend some QT with the kids and when I got home last night I had forgotten about a school assignment (because I’m shitty.) So needless to say after working a long shift and an hour of Intro to Human Resource Management homework, I was sure as shit not about to cook.

So here we are Friday. I got up, fed, cleaned, dressed all three kids plus myself and three dogs, we hit the YMCA., because I needed some regrouping. Then I braved the DMV for the third time in attempting to change my name alone with the monsters…err, I mean kids. We waited an hour, finally our turn and of fucking course, they just changed some rules and I needed yet another document. FUCK YOU!!!!!! So I am done. The kids are cranky. We just needed home and some lunch and a Xanax (just kidding, but kinda not.) So here I am…LUNCH TIME!!

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Step 1- Give the The Fat Kid anything quick you can find in the fridge. He is hungry and mad. Mac and Chz…PERFECT!!!
Step 2- Leftover pizza?! Wonderful. Heat it up, throw on some fresh spices, the older O’s will be in heaven!
Step 3- Look at your household in despair. Will they ever, ever, ever pick up after themselves.
Step 4- Make yourself your millionth cup of coffee for the day
Step 5- Tell them they get a special treat once they clean up and eat their pizza. They will be so happy for their reward.
Step 6- Longingly gaze at the beer that is waiting for you. It is Friday. FFFFUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK

 

 

The Shitty Housewife’s Shittiest Moment of the Week

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Here is the deal…I don’t get jealous of much. Like, if a girl checks out my husband, I am proud (he is mine and someone else wants him, why be jealous? Be stoked.) I don’t get jealous if he gets to go out and I am home with the kids. I don’t get jealous that he makes way more money than me. I just don’t get jealous. Except for one thing. One major thing. I get jealous of SLEEP. Like full on, pissed off, fuck you, I hate you jealous.

Since I got pregnant with my first child, my sleep has suffered. So seriously, since 2012, I have not had a good night sleep. Every noise, every baby cry, toddler whine, dog bark, EVERY FUCKING NOISE wakes me up. Matt can sleep through anything. Like, he can wake up, have a full-fledged conversation and not even realize that his sleep was interrupted. While I am over here awake for hours after, wondering when I will get my z’s again.

Earlier this week we had to take a quick road trip out of town for a funeral. Of course my kids are already a train wreck because they are traveling, but even worse, they aren’t sleeping. Like at all. I felt like in a span of 4 days I got about two hours of sleep. And not because I was out partying, but because my kids were being out of control. And who slept through it all? Yep, you guessed it. My husband.

Well, the last morning I had had enough. They woke me up at 5:30 am. After kicking and crying and whining all night, I felt atrocious. I got up and played and got them breakfast and settled them down as much as possible, and Matt slept. My anger increased and rather than just being a rational human, going over to him and waking him up and telling him I was tired and needed help, I decided to just be a bitch. An angry, overtired, crazy bitch.

It was our last day, so I packed everything up and sent it down to be packed in the van.

Except his clothes. (I packed his toiletries just because, fuck you, you are sleeping, you don’t get to feel fresh.) His parents popped by the room to see if we needed help and I talked shit to them about him (I know, BAD!!!) Then I made sure to get the kids out of our room, into an adjoining room and wake him up with only 5 minutes to get ready.

For a funeral.

It was low. He asked why I didn’t wake him up sooner, but I was too angry to even talk to him. And it wasn’t real anger, it was just exhaustion. Pure tiredness won the battle of Cool Jan vs Crazy Jan. I know it could have been worse and I could have been meaner, but this was shitty given the circumstances.

It was a funeral. For his Grandmother. Ouch, I know. Once again, I am the worst.

But don’t fuck with a woman’s sleep. I think his Grandmother would have understood. A tired woman is worse than a scorned woman in my opinion. Lack of sleep will make you insane.

There it is, my worst move this week. Better luck next time I guess!

A quick side note, his grandmother was the epitome of was a perfect housewife, mom, sister, mother should be. What a beautiful women was never stopped learning and loving. She had 9 children, 26 grandchildren and now her great grands are growing all the time. She received her masters when she was 62!!! She never stopped. She raised kids and educated herself and just continued to grow. I feel so lucky to have known her and have her love me. She welcomed me into her amazing family right away and never made me feel weird about having her grandkids out of wedlock. On my wedding day (pictured below) she told me she was proud of me and proud of how happy her grandson was. I hope I continue to do that forever, as shitty as I am.