Category: Daily Shit

Lookin’ Shitty

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KeepMilfStatus

Here is the thing. I don’t mind working out.

I really don’t. I always feel so much better afterwards, I have tons of energy and I overall know I look better.

As far as eating healthy, I enjoy that too. Healthy tastes yummy, it’s fulfilling and of course it is so much better for you than processed foods.

I have worked out and eaten well my entire life. I always have a gym membership and I have continuously kept my weight down. BUT… (of course there is a but, this is The Shitty Housewife…) that shit is getting hard. It just is. After waking up and dealing with day to day life, keeping up with work and school and kids and chores, going to the gym has just become an annoyance. I still eat healthy. Obviously, from other posts, you all know I drink beer and chow queso, but I do eat healthy the majority of the time.

I know finding time in your day for yourself is so important and good for you, blah, blah, blah. But when I get some free time at any moment, I just want to lay in my comfortable bed, alone, in the quiet, BY MY FUCKING SELF, RESTING, and not on some elliptical machine or some spin class.

I am just over it. And the worst part about it is that now I am old and I actually have to REALLY try. In my early twenties I would feel fat one day, go jog for 30 minutes and wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am, looked like a million bucks again. Now, it takes weeks and weeks. I busted my ass after my third child. I worked out like a maniac. I got the weight off quickly, got super toned and on my wedding day, I was almost too skinny. But that stopped. Once life was back to the daily grind I lost interest.

Look, I want to feel good and look better. I want to get checked out by young boys. I want my husband to see other men check me out and be proud that I am his. I want to be the MILF. I want to look in the mirror and think “damn girl.” But all of those wants aren’t making it happen.

Here is my plea…help me readers. Give me some tips. Some advice. I need something more than just looking at pictures of Jennifer Aniston and Kate Hudson at this point. Although, their abs are motivating, lets be realistic here. I don’t have their time, chefs, trainers or MONEY. (If I did, I would probably just have a more comfortable bed and this would be even more challenging.)

What is your workout routine and why do you like it? How do you keep yourself motivated? How do I say no to early bedtime and yes to a quick night work out? How do I rewire my brain to love my body more than my bed? I am making an internet vow that by next week at this time I will have found something. Then I will do it in front of you all (not literally, I will just give you updates. You watching me workout would be too embarrassing, even for me!) I will keep track, tell you how it is going and let you know when I fuck up and stay in bed (but in bed with my husband doesn’t count because that sure as hell burns calories.)

Maybe keeping my word will be motivation enough.

Probably not, lets not get our hopes up.

Again, this is The Shitty Housewife. Dropping the ball is kinda my thing.

Push This!

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I know I am going to get some flak for this post. But it’s something that I have strong opinions about and I kind of feel like, I paid for this blog, I can say what I want.

Push Presents. Who the fuck came up with this?

I had never even heard of this until a few years ago. So, basically, a push present is a gift given to a woman after she has given birth.

OK. So after the blessing of getting pregnant and carrying a baby full term and delivering it (which is the most natural thing a woman can do) and seeing that sweet little face in your arms, living and breathing, you want to get a really cool present?

For real? Isn’t that baby your present? Shouldn’t your heart be so full of joy and happiness that you have a child be more than enough? Shouldn’t the fact that you are no longer pregnant and you can eat a shit load of queso and booze again be the best present of all?

When did giving birth become something we need to expect a present for? Look, I get it, that shit is HARD.  I did it three times, back to back to back.  Literally 27+ months of giving up my body for a child to grow and develop inside of me. Then I pushed all three out with zero drugs. And to be honest, none of my pregnancies were planned. Two of them I was on birth control pills, one using condoms. I was sick as hell with all three, uncomfortable all the time, fat as a beached whale and over it every day. Like, white girl can’t even. But, once those little babes were put into my arms, I was compete. I did not need any sort of medal or special reward from anyone for doing what I did. A happy, HEALTHY baby was reward enough.

I think a new set of diamonds would have cheapened the adventure Matt and I had just experienced. Why do we always need to get rewarded for things that we are supposed to do?  I got pregnant and it became my job to take care of myself and my body and create a safe environment for this fetus. And when it was time, it was my job to push the baby out into this world as safely as possible. IT WAS MY JOB. When I do my job at work, I get a paycheck, not a fucking necklace attached to it with a thank you from my boss, (although, since Matt is my boss, he does give me a pearl necklace every now and then if you know what I mean.) It was my job the moment I decided to be my kids’ parent (instead of swallowing that night.) Matt did not need to reward me. Yes, I gave him this gift of a child, but this gift would not have been mine without his sperm and his friskiness.

There are women out there who have tried for a long time to get pregnant. Women who carry a baby but the baby does not survive. Horrible things that women have to go through just trying to get the gift of a baby. Those women would want to, and deserve to, punch any other women who expect a fucking push present in the face. Sometimes we need to get over ourselves. This is one of those times. When someone asks me what my push presents were, I straight up laugh and give them the same response, “See those snotty, cranky, and straight up disgusting children over there? I got them. And they are simply the best gifts I ever have, and ever will receive.”

Steve-O and Kat Von D

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Is Steve-O a good looking man? Hell no.

Is Steve-O sexy as fuck? Hell yes.

I’m really not sure what it is about the man. Maybe the fact that he’s seriously nuts. Stupid shit we are glad our husbands don’t do becomes hilarious and downright hot when he does them. Don’t ask me why, I really can’t tell you. He’s got his own face tattooed on his back, a fat chick silhouette, and I’m surprised his dick even works after all of the abuse it has received.

But now, he’s clean and sober and still sexy as hell. Because he is now an animal rights activist for factory farmed animals and even did a stint in the pen for his anti-Sea World demonstration.

Oh and he’s dating Kat Von D…

Is Kat Von D a good looking woman? Hell yes.

Is Kat Von D sexy as fuck? Hell yes.

This girl is just the shit. Total girl crush. Besides her killer tattoos, sexy slim body and hair that would make a Disney princess cry, she’s fucking rocking. She is a classically trained pianist, starting when she was 6, a singer, artist, obsessed with Beethoven and has two sphynx cats. She has a vegan makeup line with Sephora and her shoe closet itself is masturbation worthy. index

Saturday Slam

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MY PERIOD.

For real.

I hate you.

You come at me every fucking month and attack my entire body for days on end. You make me feel fat, ugly, starved and unsatisfied. You make me want to cry my eyes out and kill every human in site. When you are around I deeply love and hate things I normally wouldn’t. You make my head ache and my back hurt. You make my feel icky and like the complete worst version of myself. When you are around, I do not feel like a women, I feel like a monster in the body of a water buffalo. You are the only thing that makes me want to injure my husband when he asks me what I want for dinner. CHEESE DIP! I FUCKING WANT CHEESE DIP. But there is not enough in sight to satisfy this craving.

You, period, are a horrible bitch who turns me into just that. a fucking horrible bitch.

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SATURDAY SALUTE….My period. Thank god you are here.

Overnight Oatmeal

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One of the most slackest parts of my day is breakfast. While my husband makes these yummy elaborate morning meals that everyone in the house swoons over, I am the queen of offering dry cereal, a granola bar or microwaved waffles.

I know…I’m shitty.

Well this week for Fat Kid Friday, I decided to up my game. Since mornings exhaust me I thought I would try overnight crockpot oatmeal. This way, when we all wake up I have a yummy, healthy, fulfilling meal waiting for everyone. And I won’t start the day feeling like the shittiest cook ever.

 

INGREDIENTS

  • 1 cup steel cut oats
  • 1-2 cups fresh or frozen blueberries (I used 2 cups frozen)
  • 2 cups water
  • 2 cups milk
  • 2 tablespoons maple syrup
  • ¼ teaspoon salt
  • 1 teaspoon cinnamon
  • 2 teaspoons vanilla
  • Optional garnishes: chopped nuts, nut butter, fresh or dried fruit, granola, shredded coconut, honey, additional milk ( I didn’t have any of these, so I just added some brown sugar)

DIRECTIONS

DSCF0518Step One- Pour yourself a bowl of cereal. It is 9 pm and you are making oatmeal. You deserve a yummy snack.

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Step Two- Gather ingredients. You know you bought these steel cut oats a long time ago when you were trying to be healthy, but that instant shit is just too easy. Now here is your chance!

DSCF0513 Step 3- Get your crock pot

Step 4- Make sure it is plugged in. (remember that time you did not do this step and 4 hours into your crockpotting adventure you had raw meat…..and you had to pick up the dinner tab out that night?)

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Step 5- Go look at your family who is all relaxing and chilling out, while you are crockpotting…seriously, WHAT THE FUCK…can today be done already?

Step 6-Pour all of the ingredients into the crockpot and set on low.

Step 7- GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP

DSCF0521Step 8- Wake up and check on crockpot with so much excitement because you are a goddess who made a great breakfast.

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Step 9- Offer it to toddlers. Viv (of course) approves. Kellen (of course) hates it and wants a frozen waffle

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Step 10- Put some on baby’s highchair plate and watch this human go from adorable to disgusting in minutes.

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Step 11- Drink your coffee. Because seriously, that’s all we housewives really care about in the morning. And throw some Baileys in it

 

 

 

This actually was really good. Two out of three kids approved and the hubs liked it too. I have to force feed myself breakfast because I am never that hungry when I wake up. But I had a few spoon fulls and thought it was tasty. I would make it again, but next time I would spray pam on the inside of the pot. It is 5 hours since breakfast right now and I am still scrubbing that piece of shit.

 

My Lovely Baby Bumps

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THAT ONE TIME I WASN’T SO SHITTY
So 5 years ago, I was pregnant as FUCK and it was Christmas time. It was my very first Christmas with Matt and I had no idea what to give him. At the same time there was a video going around the web of a “mini Jan” shaking her ass  with the most amazing moves a kid has ever had. Matt was OBSESSED! He showed it to everyone because this “mini Jan” was seriously me when I was young. He kept saying over and over again how I cold never shake my ass like that. So thanks to help of some editing friends, and a great doggie audience, I replicated the moves with a 7 month pregnant belly, side by sided that shit and gave it to him on Christmas morning……here it is in all it’s glory!! And didn’t my tits look great??

Timing of a Wife

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I never wanted to be a wife. It wasn’t really a major goal of mine. I never had the wedding dreams or thought much about rings. I just didn’t get that girly gene. I have had lots of boyfriends. I had lots of hook up friends. I never really hated being single. I never really sought out boys, although there always seemed to be one around. But I was always pretty cool with it either way. When I was with someone I gave it my all (well, as much as a semi shitty person can give) and when I was single, well, I lived that shit up. I went on dates, I went out all the time and I made out with pretty much most of the boys in Atlanta.

I was always pretty weird when I got involved with someone. I wanted my alone time, my space and my friend time. I really never combined those moments with the boys I was with. I just couldn’t figure out how. Once I hit my 30’s there became this ridiculous pressure from so many sources that it was time for me to settle down. That going bar hopping and boy hunting was not okay because I was older and that I was at an age where finding a man and raising some kids should be my main focus. These ideas came from all over. Friends, family, co-workers, social media, EVERYWHERE. And yeah, there were certain situations that I did start to lose interest in. Some scenarios that I did feel like the “older, single” girl. But I let that shit roll off. Sometimes allowing it to roll off was easier than others, but I remember thinking to myself that finding that one person would happen for me at some point. I knew it would happen. It would happen at the time it was supposed to and not a moment sooner. Yeah, I had my moments of crying over a boy. I had some lonely Sundays (never Saturdays, if I was lonely I did something about that shit on a Saturday night, that’s the best part about being single.) And of course I let those stereotypical images of me growing into an old single cat lady (or in my case pug lady) enter my mind.

But ya know what? FUCK THAT SHIT! There is not an age that you are supposed to start the role of a wife/husband/partner. You become that role when you find THE person. And to me, the later in life you get married the better. Less of a chance to cheat, get bored or divorced, right?! The longer you have to play and experiment and learn and grow into your best self, the better chance of your marriage surviving when it finally happens. I was 36 when I said my vows. I sewed a shit load of oats and stood up there, knowing who I was. I gave him the best, real-est, shittiest Jan I am and because I did not rush it, it will be the same one he says goodbye to when I pass away (that’s really morbid…my bad.) So here is what I am saying: To those of you who think there is a certain age one should be married and settled….FUCK OFF.

Now that I have found Matt, I would have waited another 30 years for him. His love for me was worth the wait. Would you rather me have married the person I was with when I was 27?? HE WAS AN ASSHOLE!! And I would have been divorced by now. So back the fuck off with your old school way of thinking. And for those of you who aren’t married and think you should be because that is what society says…relax. And I know it is easy for me to say because I am married now, but try to enjoy. Do all the things and ALL THE PEOPLE you can do. It is your time to shine. Single is not a bad word. It is the time when you mold into the person you need to be and your future partner is doing the same. I can guarantee you, had Matt and I met years earlier, it would not have been what it is now. We needed those extra years under our belts without each other and with each other as boyfriend and girlfriend to be this awesome married couple we are now. So let’s all start re-wiring our minds. Enjoy each day, whoever you are with. Even if you are just with yourself. Because in the long run, you truly are the only person you need. Everyone else is just an awesome bonus.

And you can do this whether you are married or not…

The Tatummmmmmms

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Well here we are again, Monday. Same grill, different cuts of deliciousness.

Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan Tatum

One couple, two different pieces of art. Who has not dreamt of going out clubbing and waking up at the Tatum residence? How should I say, “the butter on their biscuit,” “the fruit in their JAM,” any way you slice it or spread it they are one of the tastiest couples of our time.

This Masturbation Monday, we have served up a small taste of this magical couple, three views of each for you to take a minute, or five, out of your Monday for yourself. Just don’t forget to lock the door!

Now let’s see who did it better…

 

 

Nicole Anderson

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nicoleaweddingOur SALUTE- Nicole Anderson!!!

Nicole is my new girl crush. Not only is she FUCKING ADORABLE, she has been my #1 cheerleader since the moment I thought up The Shitty Housewife. I thought Matt was the best “Jan has a weird idea” supporter, but Nicole takes the cake. Nicole is the brain behind this science project I have going. She designed this site, made the logo, and produces the memes. SHE IS THE SHIT!!! She is way too young to be so smart and so life savvy. Nicole has an adorable boyfriend Nick and their baby, Joss, is the cutest little cookie ever. She is a huge pit bull advocate, exclusive breastfeeder (that is SO TOUGH) and sarcastic as shit. All of this equals the one of the most amazing ladies to ever enter my life. She has been great guidance to Ryan and I with The Shitty Housewife. And now she also has become a great friend. I trust her, I admire her and I just kinda love her. I salute you Nicole! You make my heart happy! I know you have shitty qualities but damn girl, you wear them well!