Shittiest Housewife Shittiest Move of the Week

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So I was asked to be a guest on this awesome Podcast on Valentine’s Day. I was super excited seeing as the host is this amazing women who is an author, registered nurse and founder of The Fatherless Daughter Project (something very close to my heart!) Denna Babel is a saint among souls, and funny as shit, so when she asked if I would come on and talked about The Shitty Housewife, married life, mom life and blog life, I could not say no!

Well, I had to e there at 8:45 am. At 8 am Matt suggest we pack the kids up, he drives and drops me, they do breakfast and then they scoop me, after that we could have am entire fun family day ahead of us.
“Do you know how long you will be there?” He asked.
“Probably like 45 minutes to an hour.” WRONG!!!!
After an hour we had not even started the 3 30 minute segments. I was having so much fun with Denna and the gals, I completely flaked on telling him that we were going to be WAY longer than an hour. He was sitting in the WSB parking lot for nearly an hour over with three very restless toddlers. Finally I remembered to text him….. 45 minutes later telling him we would be wrapping up in 30. I could tell he was very irritated, but was trying to hold it together. I mean 2 hours with no word, no ides and again…3 VERY RESTLESS TODDLERS. In a parking lot.
When we wrapped up he had moved on to Target and went on a shopping spree. It was my turn to wait in the parking lot. Although, I was “stuck” with one of my BFF’s who hooked up the podcast and we caught up on life.
By the time we all met up, he was over the day, the kids were disasters and we just went home. I guess I know better than to ever be correct about timing. Or I should read emails more thoroughly…..
So now that I have your attention….here is the link to “Keepin it Real with Denna”  or find it on iTunes! banner1Listen to the first of three segments. Episode 10 features me! Write a review and subscribe to support Denna and all of her amazing ventures!

Monster in Law

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Nick and I have had a few run-ins dealing with our in-laws. He has had issues with mine and I have had quite a few with his. We are getting better and better at dealing with these issues by worrying about each other and our family first, and then dealing with the outside factors. By doing this, we are showing support for each other and making sure our relationship is strong. It also prevents a lot of stupid fights.

Lately, we have been having issues working things out with Nick’s step mom. It seems that no matter how I try, nothing is good enough. Nick is completely anti-bullshit, and while I appreciate that part of him, sometimes I would like some back up when dealing with his family and not ignoring it. If it were up to him, he would say “fuck it” every time someone said anything and they wouldn’t talk until the drama was over. I feel the need to try to facilitate that relationship but sometimes it just pisses me the fuck off.

I am a stay at home mom, and while I am completely ok with leaving my kid with family in the safety sense, I always tend to feel bad. I don’t want them to think I am taking advantage of them or that I can’t take care of my kid. So we really don’t leave Joss with people often at all. But there are times and places where our little demon seed just can’t go with us so we try to see if someone can watch her.

The thing is, many times when Nick’s step mom finds out we left Joss with someone other than her or we visited with someone other than them over the weekend, I get a sassy as FUCK text message. And recently it has put me over the edge. Usually I am able to nicely suck up to make her feel better but the other night, I lost it. I blame Jack Daniels, the sneaky son of a bitch.

She claims we only see her as a babysitter and not a grandma. Which is fucking ridiculous, we are the pretty much the only couple in the family that doesn’t drop our kid off at least once a week.

She claims we think she isn’t good enough to watch the kid. Which is fucking ridiculous. She raised 3 kids of her own and has watched her grand kids a few days a week for years. She works full time, watches at least one grand kid at least one day a week. She is constantly cooking, cleaning, couponing, gardening, bargain hunting, or crafting something. I really don’t know how she doesn’t fall down from exhaustion.

She claims she is at the bottom of the list. Which is fucking ridiculous. My POS biological father definitely wins that one.

She claims we don’t love her. Which is fucking ridiculous. When we first found out we were pregnant, young and unmarried, she was unwavering in her support and even threw us an amazing baby shower. She remembered every doctor’s appointment, texted me to check up daily, made my favorite meal of chicken and dumplings almost weekly. I swear she was the reason I gained so much weight. And she was in the room with both my mother and Nick’s late mother when I gave birth to our 9lb 13oz spawn of satan.

It’s irritating the shit out of me that she doesn’t see her own worth and is acting this way. There is no need for the passive aggressive, snarky texts. There is no need to be so upset but instead, just say, “Hey, I miss the kid. Can you bring her over?” We don’t love other people more than her, we don’t choose other people over her, we just have things going on.

We should visit more, yes. But, we get so wrapped up in our own world that sometimes we forget that. Nick gets off work and all we really want to do is sleep, eat junk food, cuddle, sleep, eat some more, and sleep a lot more, and if we get the chance we like to do some naughty, nasty yoga. That can really take it out of you!

We will make an effort to come over more, but please, give us a break with the dramatic, guilt trips. I don’t have the effort to play nice anymore and I will call you out.

We love you, I promise. But cut the shit.

Date Night Expectations

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Couple lying on kitchen floor

The other night I was babysitting for my friend so she and her man could have a full on date night. Go out, do something without the kid, then go to bed and wake up just the two of them.

As she dropped her child off, she mentioned that she always gets stressed out on date night because there is that expectation of sex and she is tired. Of course I sympathized with her, but I didn’t really get it.

Maybe because with three kids, date night is pretty nonexistent. No one wants all three of ours to spend the night. And mainly because when we do have date night…FUCK YES, sex is expected. That is our one night to get drunk, get alone, get loud and get weird. Call me crazy, but after the days in and days out of work, school, schedules, whining, mundane boring life, when I have time alone with my partner it is our time to forget all of that and feel good, in every which way possible.

I expect Matt to man up and turn that shit on when we have some alone time. And not just because I am always frisky when he is around, but because that is what separates the relationship we have with each other to the relationships we have with others. We don’t have sex with anyone else. It is a way we connect with each other on an extremely intimate level. A level we only experience as a couple. I don’t get naked, talk dirty, dress up, and get weird with any other human. So yes, when we have alone time, I expect him and me to push through our tiredness and make it happen. And it doesn’t matter how long it has been. Keeping count of the amount of time, 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months and repeating your concern about that number to your partner will only put added pressure and awkwardness on it.

Sex, and all that goes along with it, can be hard (no pun intended) especially after being with someone for an extended period of time. In the beginning it is always fun and always all the time. That wears off. And it is natural and normal. Matt and I have had many highs and lows. And after 5 years we have let all that weirdness and all those expectations go. The only thing we expect from each other is that when we have the chance and the opportunity (please keep in mind we have three kids, 3 and under) we fucking take it. Whether it is 2 days or 2 weeks. We pounce on each other and enjoy the hell out of our time together. Not thinking about how much time it has been. Not thinking about when it will happen again. Not thinking about how tired we are. All I am thinking about is him and all he is thinking about is me.

So suck it up (pun intended) and enjoy the shit out of it. Because there is someone out there wishing more than anything in the world they had a date night where someone was supposed to sleep with them after. Cherish the alone time you have with your partner. Cherish the fact that someone out there has committed to you and your body. Cherish the whole idea of (I fucking hate this saying) making love. Sex is the best thing ever and whether you have been with someone for 5 weeks or 5 years, screw the crap out of them as often as you can.

Let your guard down. They are your person. Your lobster. You both deserve it!

Tina & Paul

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There is nothing sexier than funny. When someone can make me laugh, my hormones get set on fire. Laughing is a huge component of happiness as well as sex. So today’s Masturbation Monday goes to two of the funniest and sexiest people alive.

Tina Fey

We all fell in love with her on Saturday Night Live. First as a writer, than as a show member. Since she bangs out some pretty amazing movies and takes nerdy sexy to a whole new level. I think all men want to bang her and all women want to hang with her. She is beautiful, smart, witty and worthy of some quiet alone time yourself this Monday.

Paul Rudd

 

SWOON! I mean how does he even exists. He nails every role he plays and his is a comic genius. Every movie he is in, he makes the funny guy turn into the hot guy. Whether he is playing a dad, a brother, a super hero or just the token funny best friend, he is sexy as hell and makes me all hot and bothered. Keep on making movies Paul and keep on making me frisky!

Happy Valentine’s Day

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Happy Valentines Day to everyone. As stated in a blog earlier this week, this is my very least favorite holiday. I love love, but I hate V day. My idea of the perfect Valentine’s Day is forgetting the entire holiday exists. When I asked my husband what his idea of the perfect V day would be his response was “I thought we couldn’t speak of it anymore because you hate it so much?” (I know….I am so romantic.)

 

So I decided to get some V Day inspiration. I reached out to a few couples that I just love and asked them what their idea of the perfect Valentine’s’ Day looks like. These pairs of people scream “LOVE.” They come from all different walks of life, different relationship situations and different stages in their relationships. But they all have one thing in common. THEY ARE ALL DEEPLY IN LOVE. And nothing is more beautiful than that.

 

First I asked my male point of view  for The Shitty Housewife Blog, Rye Guy and his long term GF/fiance (long term like 12 years.) They have two daughters, a 16 year old and 6 year old. They both had very similar ideas of the perfect day. They both thought a nice dinner, just the two of them, great wine, conversation and flirting would go a long way. She said letting him plan the whole thing from making reservations, picking times, finding baby sitters all was a big turn on. But after a few cocktails, she would take over and asked him to take her to Clermont Lounge. “Because hey, who doesn’t love watching strippers smash paps blue ribbon with her boobs, I’m sure it made me a lot hotter.” (SHE IS THE BEST.) But what they both wanted in the end was to just spend time with each other and celebrate their love for one another.

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My next victim was my girl Nicole. She is the behind the scenes girl here at The Shitty Housewife and is starting to write for us as well (YAY!!!) Her and her boyfriend have been together for awhile. They have a year old little girl and for a young couple, you can see a very strong, developed bond. Nicole’s idea of the perfect Valentine’s is simple. Just having him put a little thought into it and making the day about quality time, not about expensive present. “It can be my favorite food and movie on the couch in our pjs (or naked, depends) or it can be us going on a walk or hike to our favorite place or dinner somewhere we had never been or a simple note on the mirror.” She says keeping it simple and keeping it personal to them and their love is all she needs. Nick had some fun ideas for his idea of the Perfect Valentines day. In fact…I kinda wanted to be his date! (J/k girl..chill out.)  He wants a babysitter so they can have some alone time. A good dinner and then he wants them to get tattoos. WHAT???!!! That is the best. Again, they both made it clear, just spending the day thinking about their love was all they really needed.

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The next couple I asked was a girlfriend of mine who has been with her fiance for years. Lauren and Tyler. They dated, fell in love, moved in and a year ago he took her to Charleston, bought her the best fucking sauteed mushrooms that ever existed and asked her to be his wife. Now they agreed as a couple what their perfect V Day would be. And I can pretty much guarantee that they are making it happen. Lauren says “I appreciate and value our relationship on a daily basis, not on one particular commercialized holiday where people are forced to acknowledge each other.” Now Tyler is a chef (damn girl, you are SO lucky) and they use this day for him to show off his skills. And he does just that! He creates a menu, pairs it with wine, buys her flowers. But they are not the type to be bummed if the other doesn’t give a card or candy. And they cherish their love all the time, not just once a year. “I am very lucky to have a chef Fiance that not only cooks on the reg, but will brighten any random day with flowers and a sweet card just because. That’s love” And it is! And you know the old saying…a cook in the kitchen, a freak in the sheets!!! (No one has ever said that, except me. Right now.)

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The last couple I bothered was Kate and Stacy. Now, I have only met Stacy once, but Kate and I share a lot of loves. Pitbulls, cheerleading and red carpets to name a few. And although I do not know them that well personally, I have always been in awe of the love I see between the two of them. You can see how honest and real it is, and that right there is all you need. Now I never got a direct quote from Stacy about her perfect day, but Kate had some awesome ideas. “Valentines Day…..*sigh*. Even single, I was always in love with it. I was never a, “Hallmark card holiday” bitch and moaner. It was love, pink, candy, red, hearts, chocolate and all things love, love, love…” (Isn’t she the cutest fucking love bird ever!!!) But wait it gets better. I would love to summarize what she said to me about their relationship, but it just won’t do this justice. “To simply tell her I love her on this holiday every year isn’t enough, so I write her a letter every Valentines day.  I write to thank her for holding my heart for 11 years and never once dropping it. I can’t write enough, or give enough or be grateful enough…. but she knows. She knows, because she knows my heart. I know this stuff sounds like bullshit cliché and I’m ok with that. I’ve waited 35 years for this kind of love and have no issue with putting it out there.” They enjoy buying each other gifts on this special day. I mean love it great but shoes are too! But they do these things all year golng, making sure love is always shown. And although Stacy likes gifts, she likes some housewife things accomplished too! “It’s gets her more horned out to have me open a drawer of freshly organized socks than to bring a stripper home for a straight up threesome.”  (My husband would agree with Stacy, sadly he has a Shitty Housewife, so I would probably just get a stripper rather than clean.) But she sums up their love isn’t one day, it is everyday, “Of course we tell each other we love one another, but the word love is a tricky thing.  I’ve loved a lot of things in my life that weren’t good for me. I’ve loved some people that I didn’t like. So, in part…it just doesn’t do it justice. Because in the end, I just don’t love her………….I adore her.” No words for these two….you are fucking perfect!

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So after hearing all these love stories, I do have a different view on this old holiday. It isn’t about spending money and forcing gifts. It isn’t about feeling bad if you are alone. It is about being proud to celebrate the love you have waited for. When you finally get it, celebrate the shit out of it everyday. Especially this day. Spend time with your partner and don’t let the commercialization of it get to you. As cheesy as it is, love is so beautiful and deserves more than a day. So now if you excuse me, I need to go buy my husband candy, flowers, balloons, a new tool set and apparently a stripper (because, yeah, I love him, but I am not organizing his socks!)

Facebook Politicians

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Welp, here we are. A few weeks away from the primaries for the presidential elections. And what else are we in the middle of….insane amounts of blurbs, “facts” and views about people and their political perspective.

Look, I enjoy talking politics, even if I do not agree with the person I am chatting with. What I can not stand is someone straight up talking shit about my views and my ideas without even hearing mine out.

People who sit back and claim an entire political party is lazy or poor or whatever the fuck people think based on some silly post they read one time. Have your views but respect others. That is the whole idea behind the system we have. We CAN think differently and that is OKAY! But people who say all democrats are on welfare and all republicans are crazy Christians are just fucking ridiculous and it needs to stop.

In the end we all want our country to be better. We all want more money and we all want war to stop (at least I hope we all want that.) So let us stop this generalization and be okay with the idea that we are all different. If we keep bashing each other for having different ideals with politics than what is the point of the system we have.

I do not mind the educational posts, those are fine. I am talking about the stupid, bullshit, hateful ones that pretty much slam an entire group of humans. Let’s be honest, there is not the perfect candidate out there. I mean there is, but Justin Timberlake isn’t running…so let’s just do our research, pick our person and keep it to ourselves sans the lame Facebook posts.

Reuben Casserole

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Ingredients:

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6 slices rye bread, I chose dark Jewish, showing my leanings towards not circumcising boys, its just barbaric.

1 lb. pastrami or corned beef thinly sliced or shaved.

1 can or 14.5oz. Sauerkraut.

4 cups Swiss cheese shredded.

1 cup dill pickles, diced to a likeable size.

1 cup milk.

1/3 cup 1000 island dressing.

1/4 cup yellow mustard.

3 large eggs

2 teaspoon caraway seeds (optional)

 

 

Directions:

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Preheat oven to 350.

Lightly spray or grease pan.

Cut 4 pieces rye bread into 1/2 inch or smaller cubes.

Place the remaining two pieces. of rye bread into a food processor and grind into fine breadcrumbs. (I just rolled them in between my hands to get desired effect)

Spread cubed bread along bottom of dish then cover with 1/2 of your pastrami supply and cover evenly with sauerkraut then add the remainder of meat, spread your diced dill pickles evenly, 2 cups of shredded Swiss cheese is then followed by caraway seeds.

In a medium bowl whisk together milk, 1000 island salad dressing and mustard then add your eggs (yolk and all hippy)  whisk until all ingredients are melded together.

Pour mixture evenly over the entire top of casserole.

Topping the entire pile of deliciousness with your finely ground bread crumbs.

Place casserole in oven and bake for 40-45 minutes uncovered the mixture should be bubbling with love and the top should have a natural golden tan, not tanning bed orange.

Remove from oven, remembering that the casserole will be VERY, VERY HOT! And that’s exactly how you should serve it.

We chose to use pastrami but I’m sure that corned beef would be just as delicious.

Warning: not for Vegans and we planned it that way.

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The Shittiest Housewife: Shittiest Move of the Week

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So my 2.5 year old has become the worst sleeper. I mean….SO BAD.

He goes to bed just fine, but wakes up all night, whining that dreaded word….MMMMOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYY.

It has become a problem. I hate going to bed because I know he is going to be waking up whining all night. Maybe some parents would feel bad and coddle him about it, which I have in the past, but he is just a whiney kid. In general. And is in a stage that he is, hmmm, well, how can I put this nicely…HE IS JUST AN ASSHOLE.

So I really look forward to down time. But the past week or so, it is all night. He doesn’t need anything, doesn’t want anything. He is just so used to whining, he does it in his sleep. Well last night he fell out of his bed. Twice.

The first time, I went in to check and helped him back in his bed. There he was, in all his asshole glory. As irritated as I was I went back to bed after a bit. An hour and a half later, the same thing. He is crying a bit more this time but I was done. I went in, helped him back up and did some mommy scolding I am not too proud of. I slammed the door shut and swore bad words under my breath on the way back into bed. Matt, barely alive, whispers, “Everything okay?” My response…

“Yep, just Kellen being an asshole.”

I wake up in the morning and go to work. I get a text from Matt telling me Kellen’s complaining that his arm and neck hurt. He hurt himself falling out of bed. Matt called to doctor to see if he needed to be seen. He didn’t, just needed some pain reliever. I of course felt terrible. Here he was hurt and here I was yelling and frustrated.

He feels better now….but man don’t I feel like an asshole.

The Shitty Housewife Does Kayla Istines

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Kayla-Itsines-bootcamps

So here we go. Smack in the middle of week 1 with Kayla.

A quick overview again. You do her workouts M, W, F and your own cardio Tuesday and Thursday. Her workouts are 2 sets of 4 different exercises. You do one set for 7 minutes, the next set for 7 minutes. Then repeat. That is it. 28 minutes long. But let me tell you, those 7 minutes are TOUGH. I mean, I was staring at the stopwatch waiting for the seconds to tick. Partially because I am out of shape. Partially, because I have become lazy with being motivated to work on myself. Combine those two things and this shit is hard.

I did as she asked and took some before shots. Again, for having three babies in a row, I look good. But I need to feel good. But I did see a lot of work that needs to be done. I am supposed to take before and after shots at week 4, so if I am not too embarrassed I will share.
The good thing about this work out is the whole 7 minutes then a quick break thing. I am doing this workout at home surrounded by kids and dogs. If they need something, they can wait 7 minutes and during my break if I need to attend to them, I can. If they are cool, I quickly move on to the next round because I want this shit over with. But as a mom and a busy person in general, that break is helpful.
Monday was her leg routine.
Tuesday I did 45 minutes of cardio (the elliptical) at the Y. Good for a workout and the kids love the daycare there.
Today, Wednesday, was her ab and arm workout. Let’s just say typing this hurt. And my legs are jelly and my ass is sore as shit. So yeah, something is working.
I have already planned for my cardio tomorrow and Friday her workout is optional. I will see how I feel or see how much beer I plan on taking in over the weekend. Maybe an extra workout wouldn’t be so bad!
The cool thing is there is big Kayla social media support. If you tag her and her Bikini Body Girl (#bbg) anywhere, you get mad positive feedback from other gals doing it. There is nothing more motivating than that!
I’ll keep on and keep ya posted. But if you see me like I was straddling a horse (or my husband) all night, just know, it was nothing that cool.