MILF STATUS UPDATE

Leave a comment

milf

So I am about half way through week 4 with Kayla Istines and her workouts. It has not gotten any easier. In fact even when I am repeating weeks, it is STILL hard. Good news is that it is working. Bad news is that I dread it. SOMETIMES. Some days, I really enjoy it. Other days it is like pulling teeth to muscle through those 28 minutes. After the first 7 I am sweating and panting……and not in a sexy way.
Cons- I have committed to a 12 week plan and I just wish I was seeing faster results. Blame it on me being an American who wants, expects and is used to instant gratification. I wish I was noticing things more with my body. I wish my stomach was a little bit more toned then it was 4 weeks ago. Yes, I am sure it is with all the sit ups and ab work I am doing, but I am not SEEING it. Also, and I am not sure why, I am having a hard time making time when working out at home. I can always think of something else to do and put off the workout. At the gym, you are there to workout. Nothing else. At home I have my kids, my dogs, my husband, my school work, my High life, my cheese dip…….
Pros- Her schedule requires two days of cardio a week. I was getting very sick of the treadmill so I started taking some classes at the YMCA. I AM IN LOVE. I am with other people, doing these shitty workouts together. Being yelled at to do it and listening to dance music as it is happening. I used to take classes all the time and since I started up Kayla, I am back. It has be awesome. I actually squeezed in a third on last week…just for fun. WHAT THE FUCK, right??!!!!!
So overall, it is working. My before’s and after’s look no different. But I do feel different and I know that is just as important. I feel stronger, fit and overall healthier. And I am eating better and not by choice, but because after these workouts, I don’t want to blow it. (Last Friday we went for Mexican and I held back a bit on the cheese dip…BY CHOICE…who am I??!!!) Hopefully by 6 weeks my bod will start to look better and I can show you guys some pictures. Until then, I will keep moving along. Fingers crossed my MILF status is happening soon!!!!!

The Shitty Housewife does the ‘Gallon of Water a Day’ Challenge

Leave a comment

 

water
So I used to drink water like crazy. All day, no problems. Being a water drinker was just a normal part of my life. But, as of late, I just don’t drink a lot. In fact, I have caught myself on days, with barely drinking one or two cups. I am not sure what changed, but when I think of liquids, I think of coffee and beer. (Hey, I can’t be the only one right?!)
Well, I have started to notice a difference in my skin, my headaches, my overall well being. And as I am on this journey to become a MILF, I thought drinking one gallon a day for seven days would jump start my hydration level and my health.
Day one was tough. I had to make a very conscious effort to make sure I was drinking. Between the kids and school work and work, my mind is never fully there. So this was a tough task for me. I just had to constantly remind myself. I was done with my gallon around 7 pm and could not stop peeing. I felt bloated but I always was proud. I did it. I set a goal and finished it.
As the days went on, it got easier. I still had to put in a lot of effort in making it a part of my routine, but at that point I was starting to feel a little better and was enjoying it. By day 4, my skin looked a bit fresher. In fact, a girlfriend of mine even noticed (not the husband…but we all read yesterday’s blog.) I was still peeing a ton, but the bloating had gone down.
By day 6, I felt like a million bucks. Matt’s parents had come into town for my son’s first birthday the next day, so Matt and I took advantage of the baby sitters and went out for a couple drinks just us. A couple drinks turned into one too many (we are never alone!!!) I had made sure to finish my gallon before we went out. When I woke up…NO HANGOVER!!! I mean at all. I felt 100% normal, which I always feel crappy after I drink. Matt felt bad, and was jealous of how great I felt!
So my challenge is over, but I am still drinking water! Like a ton!!! I am constantly filling up my water bottle and have kinda trained myself to crave it again. It has enhanced my workouts, my energy, my skin. So I say….TWO THUMBS UP!!!! Try it yourself. IT DOES WORK. It is tough, but gets so much easier as the days go!!! Just be sure to get through the first two days of being bloated and have a shit load of toilet paper, because man, you are going to pee a freaking ton!

Did I cut my bangs for this??????

1 Comment
11252760_10205865255723200_7702377933718873210_n

My Ride or Die, Dita, who crossed the rainbow bridge last year, HAD to make an appearance in this blog somewhere. Also featuring, her tongue.

So last weekend my husband was out of town for another funeral. The person who passed is very near and dear to my heart, but when the services are in New York City, 4 days after the death and you have a family of five, not everyone gets to go. So I was home all weekend alone with the three kids. It actually wasn’t that bad. (I had a case of laryngitis, so yelling was impossible.) I was running us around town to different parks, stores, donut shops, anywhere to keep smiles on their toddler faces. Saturday morning I woke up, threw on some mascara, saggy jeans and a messy bun and spent the next 12 hours not doing anything to make me feel good about ME. (Well, until I crack opened the first beer.)

At one point I ran to the bathroom and glanced in the mirror. Yikes. I was not looking cute. I stood there and stared at myself. My barely recognizable self. I looked really bad. I just looked like I didn’t care. And sometimes I don’t. But I realized in that moment, that I look like this more often than not. After waking up, dressing, feeding, babying three toddlers. Then working, schooling, blogging and just overall life, I never take any time to fix myself up. I don’t take care of myself at all. I stood there hating everything about the way Iooked.

I stood there, mad at myself for letting myself go. I want Matt to come home in a few days to a sexy, new, fresh wife. HHHMMMMM, I used to cut hair and I used to have bangs. Maybe that’s a good idea. I grabbed another beer and my phone for a quick youtube refresher on cutting bangs.

It was time.

At this point, I was mildly drunk, pretty emotional from the loss of this week and feeling pretty good about my skills. I went for it. After I put in a few layers, I pulled it all back and made the cut. Bam, I now have bangs. I just kept cutting and cutting. They got shorter and shorter and thicker and thicker. And damn girl… I looked good. The night continued, I was feeling great. Matt was going to love how cute and new and fresh I looked.

When I woke up and took a shower and began drying my hair…panic hit. What the fuck did I do??? Why the fuck did I cut my own hair??? These bangs were shit. I pinned them back and again, I was frumpy old me again. Here I was trying to feel better about myself and get some of that old confidence back that I used to own and I fucked my shit up. I spent that whole day worrying and stressing and playing with these lame bangs, it was kinda ridiculous.

 Matt came home the following day. After a full day of freaking out over the bangs I decided to embrace them. I had no other option. I spent about an hour working on them (because you know I have all this time to fix fucking bangs) before I picked him up. And by the end, I was feeling good again. I looked different. That was all it was. I had become comfortable in my frumpy state and these cute bangs were just different. Cute and new and different. I did a full on makeup session and felt beautiful. I could not wait for him to see me.

I meet him at the airport. He gave me a great greeting, a great hug and a great kiss. I was all smiles just waiting for him to say something about my bangs. The fucking bangs I had spent the last 48 hours FREAKING out about. I got nothing. Through dinner, welcome home booty, breakfast the next morning…NOTHING.

I was bummed, but I guess that is just life. I am sure Matt has noticed a difference in my looks. He knew me and how cute I was before kids. He sees me on those rare occasions now that I do dress up and he appreciates it. He sees how fucking hard I work at life and understands working on myself with fancy hair and makeup is not a part of my daily journey at the moment. To him, I didn’t look that different that day. I just didn’t look like an old mom. He was so excited to see me and that’s all I should really care about, right?

It has been over a week and he still has not mentioned the bangs. But no one else has mentioned them either. So maybe it really doesn’t look that drastic. Maybe I look the same. But to me I look different. I do look better. And I know that is all that should matter. But seriously, I stressed for days over him thinking these new bangs were ugly…turns out he doesn’t think they are. He just doesn’t notice them at all. Fucking men. Fucking self-esteem issues. Fucking bangs.

Ellen Page & Leo DiCaprio

Leave a comment

Seeing as though the Oscars were last night, I decided to have today’s Masturbation Monday be all about two amazing actors. And besides them being incredibly talented, they are also SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!!!  Both are the epitome of super stars yet have such a mysterious vibe about them. So here we go, get your hands ready…Ellen Page and Leonardo DiCaprio.

Ellen Page….So we all feel in love with this gal in Juno. She nailed that role and was freaking adorbs while doing it. She went on to gain incredible leading roles, holding her own next to some pretty big stars!  She has dated some super hot men and now, after coming out of the closet, some pretty sexy ladies too. Whoever she is banging, she looks hot doing it!
Leonardo DiCaprio…..No words. There isn’t a 30 something, female on this planet who has not crushed over this guy. I mean from back in the Basketball Diary days to Wolf of Wall Street…he never has ever looked bad. He only seems to date models and probably only deserves to date models. I mean, yeah, I want to bang him, but would feel like a disgusting, gross looking human after comparing his beauty to mine. He is just perfection. And if I ever did get a chance to bang him, I would totally make him do his Departed accent while we were hooking up……SWOON. 

YOUR Shittiest Move of the Week

Leave a comment

So I know every Friday I tell you all my shittiest move of the week. Well, at the end of each month I want to hear your shittiest move. What sent you over the edge to my side…the shitty side?! What pissed you off so badly that you just said fuck it…and did something, welp…kinda shitty. Let it loose, set that secret free, now is the time. Please remember, we here at The Shitty Housewife NEVER judge. We welcome the bad and the ugly…..not really the good. The shittier you are the more likely we will LOVE you. Whoever comments via our Facebook page, Instagram or our blog with their shittiest move of the month wins a $15 Kroger gift card. That is right people…groceries on us! Just because you embraced your inner shitty. So yes, this contest is for the worst. The worst person will be the winner!!!! So come on..tag a friend, comment with your shitty move and you will be entered to win!!!!

Good luck…..Let’s go…
xoxo
The Shitty Housewife

Boys And Their Toys

Leave a comment

Boys_and_Toys_quote_sign

As a stay at home mom, I am so grateful that my boyfriend works his tight little ass off at work every day to take care of us. And because I’m grateful, I try to be really good about not getting uptight about the money he spends on his (very expensive) hobby.

I’m sure all of you have had this type of deal in your relationship, whether it’s his project car, or motorcycle, or tools, or football, or video games, or whatever else they can think of that gets them away from reality for a while. You kinda let it slide because you know it makes him happy.

He can spend the money, within reason. He can use the spare bedroom for his shrine. He can get excited and act like a little school girl with minimal mocking from my side.

I’m not jealous that he gets so excited about his new toy that he doesn’t notice me naked, nipples covered in whipped cream, nothing on but 4 inch heels in front of him (okay maybe that one hurt the ego a bit.)

I’m not jealous that he names his new toys and strokes them and talks to them like he should be bending them over with a fist full of their hair. (If he was, we would have a helluva lot more problems.)

I’m not jealous that he spends enough on them them to cover 30 mani-pedis and a full cut and color every 6 weeks.

What I am jealous of, is that he gets that escape, big or small. For me, an escape is a grocery store trip alone. For me, an escape is a quiet car, or a loud one where I can sing loud as fuck because there is no kid that fell asleep the second we reach our destination. For me, an escape is being able to shit without a kid in my lap, in the tub, in the laundry, in the who-the-fuck-knows this time. Wait, girls don’t poop. Scratch that last one.

I am happy he has an escape, a way to relax, get away from the mundane realities of the world. But I sure as shit am jealous of him for it.

I Feel Bad For You…

Leave a comment

Dear Mom with crying kids in public,

                I feel bad for you. I know deep down inside you have a ton of anger towards your kids right now and you probably want to scream at them at the top of your lungs. I know you think everyone is staring at you and judging. Sadly…they are. But I am not. Fuck those people. Do what you need to do. Don’t worry, your cranky toddler is not going to ruin anyone’s day but yours. You are doing great.

Love, The Shitty Housewife

 

Dear Mom of formula fed baby,

                I feel bad for you. You are being judged for how you are feeding your child and I know you feel bad about yourself because of it. You get dirty looks from other moms as you pull out the powder and mix in that water. Ya know what…fuck that. You are a bad ass. You made the best choice for you and your family and you NEVER EVER EVER need to justify that to anyone. Shake that shit up and let that baby eat up!!! You are doing great.

Love, The Shitty Housewife

 

Dear Mom of only one child,

                I feel bad for you. You are asked in almost every conversation when you are going to have another kid. I know you want to look at those people and tell them they are crazy. One little jerk is enough. And it is! If you decide one and done fucking own it and don’t ever feel like there needs to be a reason. You are doing great.

Love, The Shitty Housewife

 

Dear Mom of many kids,

                I feel bad for you. People glare at you like you are the craziest bitch alive. “You have THAT many kids?!!!’ ‘You are done right???’ No asshole, I am not and every time you ask if I am done, I am going to go home, screw my man and get pregnant just to show you I can! (well not really, but you catch my drift.) Since when did having a big family become such a BAD thing. When all those kids grow up, they are goin to be surrounded by siblings…BEST THING EVER. So fuck them. You are doing great.

Love, The Shitty Housewife

 

Dear Truly Single Mom, 

                I feel bad for you. But you know what. YOU ARE A FUCKING GODDESS QUEEN WHO DESERVES A MEDAL!!!! Being alone in a parenting is something I cannot even wrap my brain around. You are doing it and making life for this human all by yourself. You are truly a perfect person in every step you take. You are doing great,

Love, The Shitty Housewife

 

Dear Not yet a mom,

                I feel bad for you. If you are trying to have a baby, you are so sick of seeing everyone else experience it. You want and deserve it really bad. Go ahead and be angry, but please know your time is coming. It is. I know it and I believe it, so you should too. You are doing great.

Love, The Shitty Housewife

 

Dear Never going to be a mom because that shit is for the birds,

                I feel bad for you. But why??? Do you girl! Fuck those people who say you need to have kids. And every time they ask you when you are going to have them….bust out that birth control and SCREAM never. Women do not have to have kids to be a member of society. Parenting is a choice. Be proud of your choice. You are doing great.

Love, The Shitty Housewife

 

Dear Mom who has lost a child,

                I feel bad for you. Please feel all the feelings you need to feel and no that whatever kinda mom we others are, we have your back. You are surviving and that is all you need to do. Survive and somehow find a way to heal. You are doing great.

Love, The Shitty Housewife

 

Dear Dog Mom,

                I feel bad for you. People look at you and think you are trying to replace the idea of a child with a dog. When in reality that is the furthest thing from the truth. You love that dog and that dog loves you. Don’t let anyone shame you for that! Ever. Dogs are the best!! You are doing great.

Love, The Shitty Housewife

 

Here is what I am saying…. We are all doing the best we can. Whatever care giving role we are doing. Whether it is for ourselves, a child, a pet. We have committed to that and we should really stop making anyone feel bad about how or what their role is. When did being mean to someone else on the way they parent become okay….IT ISN’T at all. So let’s embrace it and embrace each other. I want to stop feeling bad for people. We are all doing more than great. We are all doing Fan-Fucking-Tastic.

Blake Lively & Ryan Reynolds

Leave a comment

In honor of this site celebrating love, marriage and all that jazz, I thought this Masturbation Monday would be dedicated to one of the hottest, happiest and sexist couple alive. Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively. I am not going to write about them separately, because alone, they kinda bug me (don’t ask me why….) but together….DDDDAAAAAYYYYYUUUUMMMMM. She is so beautiful it is almost painful and he is like a real life Ken doll. Like, how is one so fucking handsome? They have a kid and they always speak so highly of one another. It’s so fucking adorable. I bet they have some freaky adult time though!!!!! So let’s wash away the Monday Blues and stroke one out for this pair!

488636649JS106_Charles_Jame

No Salute or Slam

1 Comment

This week has been tough for me and quite frankly I just don’t feel like myself. Or really have much funny inside of me. Someone I really adored passed away on Tuesday. One of my husbands closet friends…Cousin Al. I was going to salute him today, but I guess I am just not there. My brain has not processed this horrible piece of news yet. I am not able to write anything because I feel like it is not real. And probably because I am alone here in Atlanta while my husband is in New York for the services. I am surrounded by three kids and three dogs who do not give a rat’s ass about any sort of grieving process. Every time I start to think of the many ways I can salute this awesome man, I am interrupted for apple juice. And I am so happy I am here to take care of the kids while Matt is there saying his goodbye. My job right now is to be a real housewife. Make sure everything here is going ok while he grieves with his family. Death sucks. I will always question why the only guarantee in life is the hardest one to accept. Especially when it is unexpected or someone too young. So this is all I have for my readers. I’ll get my shit together and be back next week. As for now, I will do as lots of care takers have had to do in the past…sallow that lump in their throat and pour some more juice. And maybe a High Life for myself.

12509008_10207786435191486_3848834169882815323_n

Crab Quiche

Leave a comment

 

So this week I decided to attempt another food challenge for The Shitty Housewife. Quiche. I have tried to make quiche several times and it always comes out dry and pretty much inedible. But I was feeling lazy and the idea of packing all three of my children up for a trip to the store on this particular day sounded, well, how can I out this nicely….FUCKING awful. SO as i looked through my fridge at my options I found some imitation crab, a pie shell and a shit load of eggs. Perfect.
INGREDIENTS
Pie Shell
5 eggs
1 package imitation crab
3’4 cup milk (you can use cream as well, but we only had milk)
2 Tablespoons of Cream Cheese
I cup shredded Jack Cheese
1/4 Parm Cheese
2 dashes of hot sauce
Salt and Pepper
1 green onion
Pre heat oven to 350
Step 1-Put frozen pie crust in oven for 15 minutes
IMG_2266
Step 2- Pour yourself a beer
IMG_2287
Step 3-Grab all of the listed ingredients
IMG_2267
Step 4- Crack Eggs and whisk them together
IMG_2275
Step 5- Stop #2 from choking #3
IMG_2270
Step 6- Mix all other ingredients in with eggs
IMG_2277
Step 7- Pour into pie shell and put in the oven for 35 minutes
IMG_2281
Step 8- Feed the fatty
IMG_2280
Step 9- Be super happy there is only one bowl to clean
IMG_2282
Step 10- Take out quiche, let cool for 5 minutes, then feed the family
IMG_2290
This was AWESOME. Everyone ate it!!! That never happens here. I totally forgot to put in the green onions, which of course my husband called me out on. But they really would have made it even tastier. I would recommend this for sure. It was quick to throw together, pretty cheap and lasted two meals. Score 1 for The Shitty Housewife!