Easter Candy. I just spent more than half my paycheck on candy. And when my kids sugar crash and fall into a jellybean filled nap, damn straight will I be raiding those baskets for some Cadbury eggs! YUM!
Screw You Easter Bunny
Easter Candy. I just spent more than half my paycheck on candy. Pastel colored jelly beans and chocolate covered bunnies. I know, I have three baskets to fill, but what the fuck???? Do they hike the prices up this time of year??? SO many things about this holiday are just so bizarre. I am not a religious person, but I know Easter is not about a basket filled of goodies at all. And why on earth are eggs even involved. Bunnies do not lay eggs, so why does the Easter Bunny leave them??? Look, I know tomorrow morning my disgusting angels are going to wake up and be over joyed to have their hunt and chow on candy all day. I know once they enter school, these holidays are going to be even more exploited and more intense. And I know their happiness comes way before my irritation, but damn holidays….CHILL THE FUCK OUT!!!!!!!
From the guy with no emotions..
Nick is a lover of dogs, horror movies and tacos. He spends his spare time napping and playing with his beautiful little girl, Josselyn.
What it’s like to be the guy that doesn’t do “emotion”?
The way I was raised was to nut up. Head down and get over it. Get hurt? Get over it. Someone hurt your feelings? Get over it. So on and so forth, because dwelling, or even talking about it wont change a damn thing. So when people like me get hit with rough situations, or any situation we feel attacked or in need of defense, we go back to that way of thinking. Head down… And get over it.
In sad or mourning times this can be very helpful but also very painful. We learn that we have to be the strong ones for other people. Show that we can get through it and they can too. It sucks sometimes not being able to sit there and scream and yell and cry in pain…. That sounds so satisfying.. But that’s just not how we deal. We hold our heads up and put our shoulders back and hold strong so everyone around us can have that vulnerable moment they need. We become their protector in that moment.
Loving a person like me probably sucks sometimes.. I see that.. But we are the same people who will always be there for you because we’ve protected so many people and had so many tear stains on our shirts, that we’d never intentionally make someone go through that. We are emotionally broken so you can be emotionally free.
N#mbers
So last week I posted 37 random, kinda unknown facts about myself. It received a lot of feedback. I got lots of texts, emails, Facebook messages, etc. asking questions about certain things I wrote. The number one question I received was, “Who was the famous guy you dated?” But that, my friends, is for another day. The second most popular question really surprised me, which is what I wanted to talk about today. I told the world the absolute truth and I don’t think people believe me…….
MATT AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW MANY PEOPLE THE OTHER ONE HAS SLEPT WITH BEFORE MEETING!!! I promise you all, we never had “the number” talk. Ever. We talked about NOT talking about it once and that was that. We both were and are still in complete agreeance….that number means nothing. It does not affect our thoughts about each other. It does not affect our feelings towards each other and it does not change anything about our relationship. It is a number that happened long (ok, well maybe not that long) before we even knew each other. So why is it important to know? We both know that we each have had some fun. Some relationships. Some one night stands. Some people whose names we can’t remember. We both know that the other one is not a prude. We both know that sex is and has played an important role in our lives. We both openly tell stories of our past. We both assume our numbers are probably close to each other….probably. We aren’t stupid, we can kinda guess the number isn’t in the single digits…..but that is all we got. We have not discussed it any further.
I don’t really want to discuss it any further. My past is MY past and I like to keep it all to myself. I had fun and I experimented and I made good and bad decisions. What I did between the sheets before Matt ever existed in my life should not have one ounce of an effect on his feelings about me. I am actually proud of my past, some might not agree with it, but I kinda love it.
I hear stories all the time about people dating, then this ‘numbers’ conversation is brought up and a fight is started. Why?? You did not know each other!!! It doesn’t freaking matter. Why on earth would I care about anyone that Matt has slept with before he knew I was even alive????? It is not logical. And god forbid you do have this conversation and you’ve slept with like 175 people and the other person has slept with 2. Then you are going to feel like a real asshole and your person is going to feel like a big prude. And neither of you should feel like that at all. Your past is just that….YOUR PAST. It should not haunt your future, especially when it comes to sex.
Look, of course we wonder. Every now and again I do wonder what my husband’s number is. I am sure he has wondered mine. But the truth is, as many people as he has screwed, he only screwed one into being his wife….wait that sounds bad, but you know what I mean. He only has chosen to be in a relationship with me. So whether is number is 5 or 1000, I am his only 1 and that shit is all that matters.
Easter Booty
I am not going to let some pastels and church bonnets stop me from some alone time fun. Happy Easter friends and welcome to Masturbation Monday, Easter addition. This time of year seems so innocent and childlike, but I can find the sexiness anytime especially with a basket of goodies if you know what I mean….
Benedict Talley
Remember True Blood. Remember the hotness. remember….EGGS. Yes that is right ladies and gents, Benedict Talley!! This one could poach my eggs anytime (what does that even mean??!!) He owned his role on True Blood, making all of us ladies and men a little runny in the pants. Lets take a big bite out of our cadbury’s and appreciate this EGGceptional piece of man.
Anna Faris
Easter can bring out all types of spirit animals….especially bunnies. Which is why our Masturbation Monday Easter Addition is featuring one of the hottest bunnies ever. None other than the House Bunny herself….Anna Faris (you thought I as going straight to Playboy right?!) Why we love her? She is adorable, funny, a mom and a HOUSEWIFE!!! And I know a lot of folks who want to peep this jelly bean.
Happy Easter guys. I hope it is as sexy as ours!
Mushroom Meatfloaf
So my husband loves some comfort food. Especially the meat and potatoes kinda comfort food. Well lately we have been going non stop. Life is spinning faster than ever before, and I can tell he is pretty stressed out these days. So they other night I decided to surprise him with his favorite homemade dish. Meatloaf and mashed potatoes. (Good Housewife, right???!!!)
I have never been a meatloaf fan. It was just always so dry and yucky. ABout a year ago, Matt was craving it so I googled “Non dry meatloaf) because we all know I hate the word MOIS….I can’t even finish……Anyway, to my surprise there were so many recipes with same solution. Mushrooms, my favorite to eat, besides queso.
Ingredients
MEATLOAF
1 lb. Ground Beef
1/2 container mushrooms
1/2 onion
1/2 cup bread crumbs
1 egg
1/4 cup milk
Salt and Pepper
Garlic Salt
MASHED POTATOES
I bag yellow potatoes
1 cup Sour Cream
1/2 cup milk
4 tablespoons butter
S & P
Step 1- Diced the mushrooms and onions
Step 2- Sweat out those onions
Step 3- Add the mushrooms
Step 4- cook for about 5 minutes than let cool
Step 5- In a bowl mix meat, spices, egg, breadcrumbs, milk
Step 6- Be hounded by two of three toddlers
Step 7- Decide your mixing spoon is not working, remove rings to mix with your hands. Gaze at your ring and think…damn that shit is gorg
Step 8- Put meat mix into loaf pan and be disappointed that it looks so small
Step 9- Put in 350 degree oven for 45 minutes
Step 10- FEED THE FATTY
Step 11- Forget the meat and almost over cook it. Take out to rest.
Step 12- Boil potatoes
Step 13-Add glaze to load. I used ketchup, bbq sauce and sprinkled with brown sugar. Broil in oven for 3 minutes!
Step 14-Take out potatoes, smash in a bowl and add all potatoes ingredients
Step 15- Clean up yet another mess created by toddler #3
After the potatoes are mixed and glazed is heated you are done. It seems like a lot but it is SO easy. And it was SO yummy. When Matt came home, he tore that shit up. So did 1 out of 3 kids. So I would say successful. We even had leaftovers from the small loaf and that shit was just as good!!!
Shittiest Move of the Week
So most of you don’t know that I am a full time college student. IT BLOWS. I like hate it.
After high school I took some time off and waited tables. I then went to hair school. It was perfect. A school where I was learning exactly what I wanted to learn. Fast forward to a few years go when I was just a full time stay at home mom, I realized the importance of an education. I was looking for jobs and everyone loved my experience but “you have no education.”
So here I am. In my 3rd year of a 4 year process. And I have lost all steam. I hate it. I dread it. I procrastinate it. I am the least proactive student alive. And this week it all came to a head…
As of yesterday….I AM ON ACADEMIC PROBATION. What the fuck, right??? I have never been in trouble! Never even sent to detention in school and now I am on god damn probation???!!!!
I have to write a letter to the Dean. Explain why I am so shitty and give him my plan on turning this around. Ugh, what the hell. School sucks. I am busy. I am not interested and after a full day of waiting on everyone hand and foot the last fucking thing I want to do is study Business Fucking Statistics……
So that’s it. It was proven this week that I am not super women. I can’t do it all. I can’t take on anymore. All I can do is try….and be shitty!
BBG Week 7
So I am creeping up on week 7 of Bikini Body Girls with Kayla Itsines. I am still not bikini ready though. I know her program is 12 weeks and being through the half way point, I thought I would notice more of a change as far as what I am seeing. I know, I have had three kids, I am not expecting miracles….but, I feel like every time I work out I am getting my ass kicked. So I should have a pretty sweet 6 pack by now right??? Wrong. No 6 pack…yet (maybe because of all the 6 packs of beer I drink…my bad!)
Cons-This shit is getting harder. Every week, even repeat weeks, I mildly dread the work out. Mainly because it BLOWS! I am sore, tired, worn out and just watching my stop watch waiting for 7 minutes to be done! Again, I am still having trouble making it happen at home. I do, I am trying, but again I am always finding something else to distract me.
Pros-Well, I may not feel like I look any different, but for two weekends in a row I have worn outfits I wore 5 years ago! One skirt I wore to a concert with the hubs and the last time I wore it was on our very first date!!! I never thought I would ever fit into it again. I loved it! HE LOVED IT (wink, wink.) I mean this workout has to be working if after three pregnancies of gaining 30+ plus each I can fit into something pre-preggo right??!! Also, just the weeks and guides are keeping me motivated. I am enjoying seeing myself get stronger. I mentally feel better in my own skin that I have in years.
So I guess, the pros are for sure outweighing the cons. BBG is turning out to be ok. A lot of work and commitment, but I can feel my MILF status rising.
Jan
The Shitty Housewife
True Meaning of Birthdays
There has been a lot of birthday talk in my house the past month. 2 kids birthdays, my mother-in-law’s and myself. It got me thinking a lot about the actual birth, since that is what we are truly celebrating. The day a women pushed a child through the birth canal and those little baby eyes met the world.
I never knew much about the actual birth experience until I became pregnant. I did a shit load of research, which all pregnant women do….but nothing prepares you for the actual moment.
I had all my children naturally. The first happened so fast, I did not have time for drugs. I got to the hospital and she was coming. My second, which I was told for 9 months would come even faster, decided to take his sweet ass time. I kept thinking it would be any minute and after 14 hours of intense labor, I was ready for drugs, but it was too late. We had passed that epidural stage a few centimeters ago and I was screwed. By my third, I just felt like, “well you did it twice, suck it up and do it again.” And I did. It was not easy by any means and I can still feel the pain, but he was my easiest labor.
So again, I was prepared for all this “birth” stuff: water breaking, contractions, the ring of fire, pooping on the table (which I still don’t know if that happened) all of these birth stories. But it is what happens after that is all so fucking intense.
You just worked your ass off to get this thing out of you and suddenly it is here. Laying on your chest. Everyone is staring at you and this baby. You are so vulnerable and open (in every imaginable area) to mid wives and doctors and nurses all while you are meeting your baby for the first time. They are still poking and prodding and pulling things out of you (well the placenta….yuck) and you are just holding this new human. This new human that is yours. A human you created and then protected in your body for 9 months. And now it is here and exposed to this amazingly awesome and tremendously terrible world.
Then the instructions start. How to breastfeed, which seems so much easier when you are just reading about it. All the tests and pricks to this new little being. Then the bath, for them and you! I was lucky with all three. I felt fine within 15 minutes of birth and could walk myself to the shower, the nurses helped clean me, but I was able to rinse myself asap. But after the rinse, the putting a huge airplane like ice pack and a pair of mesh underwear on, you are set up in a room with your partner (hopefully) and your new babe.
That baby, all wrapped up and swaddled like a Moe’s burrito. Just starting at you, depending on you for every aspect of its life. It is this child’s birth day. Just like that, the pregnancy is over and the rest of its life is staring at you.
You birthed a baby.
You are one of the very lucky women who was able to give s successful birth. Whatever happens to you for the rest of your life, you and this baby have this beautifully special day in common. You both worked really hard to make today happen. So you both should celebrate this day for the rest of your lives.
I may be a grinch about my birthday, but I shouldn’t. My mom does not deserve that. She had to have a c-section to get me out!!!! I should celebrate that shit like a mad woman just for her! I love celebrating my children’s birthdays. Maybe because those specific days are the best days of my life.
It is amazing when the most natural thing can give you chills, change your life and rock your world. It is amazing what our bodies can do. It is amazing what their little bodies can do.
Birth, what a fucking crazy adventure. And what a beautiful day to embrace.
Jan
The Shitty Housewife
O’Shit: Birthday Edition
- I drove across the country (from San Diego to Atlanta) ALONE
- I managed to get my associates degree in one year
- I had all three of my children naturally (NO DRUGS)
- I dated a celebrity…….guess who?!
- I was once a seat filler at the MTV music awards
- I once had my hands on Jared Leto’s brothers phone number
- I got married on Halloween night
- I have raised over $40,000 in fundraising events I have thrown…for fun
- I once had 5 orgasms in one night
- I have never seen all the Star Wars movies
- A super-hot guy pretended to be gay just so I would hang out with him for one night in Vegas (I had a boyfriend at the time and said I couldn’t hang out with anyone straight over night)
- The best sex I have ever had in my entire life was on my wedding night
- I did not lose my virginity until I was 20
- I kissed a girl and I liked it
- I once squeezed limes for margaritas and ended up in the hospital with phytophotodermatitis. (Look it up..that shit is real)
- I never went to prom
- I loved Debbie Gibson so much, I sent her a letter every day for two months. Then after nothing happened, I sent her a dollar to write me back…that bitch never did.
- I still cry over my dog that passed away over 8 months ago, once a week
- I once was so drunk at a Dave Matthews concert I lost my shoes…..WTF
- I once ate a pot brownie and had such a freak out I locked myself in my bedroom for two days
- I have only taken one selfie in my entire life
- I was a hairstylist for 10 years
- I adopted a dog from the pound 7 months ago, and I still don’t really like her (I know, that sounds horrible, but it is the truth. She gets treated like gold, I promise!)
- My husband and I have never had the…”How many people have you slept with” discussion. (Yes I do wonder, but I wasn’t in his life when he was whoring around, so what’s the point of knowing?!)
- I was once caught making out in a Vegas bathroom with a boy and was then escorted back to my room by two security guards
- I had my own business once, ran it successfully for 5 years
- I have only been ice skating once and I sprained my ankle and split my lip while doing it
- I spent the night at Ralphie May’s house once…he was not there
- I once took a bong rip and fainted
- My dream job is to be a Halloween Costume Designer
- I had a crush on my husband for 4 months before he asked me out
- I once was a trapeze artist
- I once took E at Disney World
- I once jumped on stage at a strip club and started dancing on the pole and was quickly escorted off by security. Then a few minutes later I went back up…
- I once moved to Chattanooga TN for 8 weeks
- I used to make and sell homemade dog treats
- Birth control doesn’t work on me
