So I wanted to start the new year with a bang and by celebrating Masturbation Monday with two people I would like to bang. I have been a bg fan of both of these hotties for many years now. They both are beyond dreamy and both I could stare at for days.

Rachel McAdams is just simply stunning. She makes guys drool and women want to befriend her. Seriously, as cruel as she was in Mean Girls, I still wanted to hang out so badly with Regina George. And recently, her short role  South Paw, where she was drop dead gorgeous….and then she dropped dea, well it almost killed me too. I love her. LOVE HER!

James Marsden……god damn. Man, could this guy just stick his fork in me, because when I see him, I am done. He is so damn sexy….and that smile. It last for days. I was even turned on when he was the freaking Easter Bunny in Hop. James is the definition of handsome. I love him. LOVE HIM!

So I hope you enjoy this first edition of 2017 Masturbation Monday. It was certainly fun for me. Happy Tug Day Guys!

XOXO

The Shitty Housewife

Well this shitty year is coming to a close. I guess not everyone thinks this year was the pits, but I do think a lot of people can agree….2016 was rough. We lost a lot of amazingly talented people. The election just about killed everyone. And somehow, someway….a man who openly agrees grabbing a woman’s vagina without her consent is okay became the most powerful man in the world. So yeah, we have seen better years.

This year has been okay for me. Like everyone I have had good days and bad days. Of course, it has been another year of love and happiness when it comes to my cute little family, but it has been an intense year for us as well. This year was way more stressful than the previous year when we sold a house, moved, had a wedding and a third baby! I am not sure what made it seem so much harder, but it was. Anyway, I thought it would be fun to reflect on my year personally. Things I experienced personally. Nothing will round up this lame year like calling myself out on some shit! Here we go….

1. I became a working mom……I have been working very part time since I became a mom. But this year, I made the choice to go back full time. It has been great but very hard on me emotionally. I miss my kids. I hate missing things they are doing and experiencing. I beat myself up for talking shit about staying at home for so long. I took it for granted so much. I do enjoy having a paycheck and being able to help with expenses. I do enjoy getting away and having adult conversation. But I miss my stay at home mom days so much.

2. I started The Shitty Housewife….man this blog has been amazing for me. I have had so much fun expressing myself and releasing so much honesty. I have seen self growth that I haven’t experienced in years because of this site. I freaking love it and all of you who read it.

3. I became more political….I feel like I was always someone who followed politics, but this year, the election effected me in a way like never before. I know that I am the change. I know that I can make this a better place. And I know I will make it happen for every child in this country.

4. I witnessed two of my closet friends lose a parent…Ugh, it was terrible and just about a month apart. I still feel like a terrible friend because I never knew what to say or how to act. I will say, after watching these two incredibly strong women go through such tragedy and remain so positive was one of the most enlightening experiences of my life. Those girls are beasts and I am honored they love me.

5. I failed…..twice. And I don’t ever fail. I will go to my grave not understanding statistics and hating myself for thinking I could pass a second time.

6. Matt and I grew closer….and thank god, because that is what is suppose to happen in a marriage, right??!!

7. I survived sending my first child to school….Viv is in Pre-K and that day, hell that week was so hard. It is so tough sending your kids out into this world without you standing by your side. I was a wreak and she was the happiest I have ever seen her. She is thriving there and loves it. I am so lucky that she likes it as much as she does.

8. It was the first year in about 10 I have not worked out 4 days a week…or even 2 days a week for that matter. I did great in the beginning, but I have fallen off the horse hard in the past few months. Working out has always been a HUGE part of my life and this year, I was a major slacker. Time is just so stretched and waking up early just stopped happening. Better luck next year, right?!

9. I voted for a woman….yep. And I am very proud of that vote.

10. I wrote 5 songs….Hopefully you will hear them and more next year.

11. I was a bad friend and family member…I really was and I am resolving to not do it again. I never called, never meet up, never put in the effort like a normal person does. I love my family and my friends dearly, but this year, I failed them. No excuses. Time just slips away, every fucking day. But it has to stop, before they all hate and disown me.

12. I found out the true meaning of having 3 toddlers….Cam started walking, Kell started fighting and Viv, well is Viv. 2016 brought Matt and I a dose of parenting like I never thought possible. Life gets NO REALER than having a 4 year old, a 3 year old and a 1 year old. Geez….how we survived I will never know.

13. I witnessed my husband say goodbye to his best friend…I will never forget Matt’s voice when he called me on a Tuesday morning to tell me that his cousin/best friend had died. I laughed I was so caught off guard. It was a gut wrenching time in this house. It still is. Watching Matt go through this pain that I could not take away was awful. Knowing we will never hear that raspy voice again is awful. Seeing Matt, still, months later want to call him and chat is awful. Life can be awful, but as time goes on, you realize all of the memories you can share, stories you can tell and laughter this pain can create. This by far was the toughest experiences I have ever witnessed.

14. I celebrated my first anniversary….it was amazing. All day I was filled with thoughts of our wedding. That feeling. That love. That happiness. And realizing it has only been one more and we have SO many more ahead of us?! How fucking awesome is that?! This first one was excellent though. So sweet and so full of love. Exactly how an anniversary should be.

Well, that was my year…in a nutshell. Filled with so many different feelings man. The good bad, the ugly and the beautiful. Cheers to 2017 and a year full of love, progress, family, friends and growth!

xoxo

The Shitty Housewife

 

Heart broken. What a sad day. The loss of such an open minded, welcoming, smart, musical, beautiful human. George Michael has passed away and 2016 has again punched us all in the gut. Some people find it weird when we mourn a famous person. Someone we have never met. But it isn’t weird at all. Some people, who you never get to meet touch your soul in a magical way and when they pass, you are deeply saddened.

I was a fan of his right away. My mom played his music a ton and we had many moments of dancing around the living room belting out his tunes. As I got older, and he did as well, his lyrics became so moving to me. So free, so open. He was so sexy, but more than that, he made ME feel sexy. He made me feel safe thinking about my body and how beautiful it is. His music moved me. Today I celebrate him, his talent and his love for making us move our bodies and minds. Thank you Mr. Michael. Thank you for giving us you.

xoxo

The Shitty Housewife

Every once in awhile I like to feature one person. And today, I was feeling the Bern. And yeah, I probably am not jerking off to him anytime soon (well maybe those old photos….kinda sexy.) But I can get off to so many ideas and political views I share with him. I try to not bring politics to this blog, but this Masturbation Monday isn’t about politics. It is about being turned on by someone who believes and fights. And nothing is sexier to me than a fighter and a believer.

This weekend an idea hit me like a ton of bricks. Yet another journey I would love to venture. I have been doing so much soul searching lately about the path I want to take. And although, at my age, I should have already set a path, I have not. I was reading an old speech given by Bernie and this idea popped into my head. I was filled with so much emotion, so much hope and so much joy. His words inspired me so deeply, I believe that if I fight for this idea, I can change the world….or someone’s world.

So cheers to you Bernie for the inspiration. And I hope you guys google “Bernie 1960.” You may be hitting that bathroom for a quick minute!

Happy Monday

xoxo

The Shitty Housewife

So the other day I was at the grocery store….alone. A rare moment for a woman with 3 kids. One is always wanting to join in the Kroger fun. But somehow I managed to sneak away by myself…..IT WAS AMAZING!

Anyway, I was pushing my cart out of the store and I noticed a man….noticing me! It was crazy. I mean, not like I am some dog who no one has ever looked at. I am just so used to getting looks like…”woah, that bitch has a lot of blonde children,” or “look at that poor disheveled mom, she needs a shower.” No, this man was looking at me. I suddenly snapped into the mind set of being 24, young, cute, with perky breasts out at a bar and a cute boy is coming your way. And on top of that amazing feeling…he was sooooo hot.

Of course, we just gave each other a glance and that was it. But I got to thinking, how sad that I was that BLOWN AWAY by being looked at. Like, it was mildly pathetic how giddy I became.

Look it is not like my husband does not make me feel hot. He does. But it is different. When a total stranger, who is young and hot and single gives you that “hey girl” look, it is different. You feel wanted, and sexy and like, well you are a prize (WHICH YOU ARE!) I know that I am constantly telling Matt how sexy he is. But if some hot 22 year old, perky breasted chick flirted with him, his ego would swell up like Tyler Durden in a peak fight. It is the nature of the game.

And I can swear to myself all day that I will try harder when I leave the house. I will look showered and put on a tad of make up. But in reality, that shit is not going to happen. But when it does, maybe another total stranger will glance my way and send me into a flurry of awkward flirtiness. Nothing wrong with that right??

And to the random beanie wearing boy, in the non skinny jeans with the old school Stussey shirt on…thank you. You made me feel great and wanted, and like I am not always a wreak of a mom. Plus, a thank you from my husband, because he for sure got laid after our encounter!

 

So a few weeks ago Matt went on vacation. His brother lives in Seattle and after several visits here, Matt thought it was finally his turn to go there. We talked about it many times. As to when would be a good time, how many days, what my schedule with work/school/kids would look like. Like it was talked about for a long, hot minute.

Well, the trip has come and gone…..but my attitude about it has not. I can not stop being a jealous bitch about the whole damn thing. I mean…I know it sounds horrible, but like damn. You went on vacation. You relaxed. You partied. You rested. You played. I worked and got my ass kicked at every fucking angle and I am not ready to forgive you for it.

But the reality is….I have no reason “to forgive.” He asked me if it was okay. He was going for 4 days, I told him to make it 6. He even invited me for the weekend, but I delayed getting a ticket and then it was too expensive. He offered to pay and I declined. So yeah, I know….I have no reason “to forgive” him.

I don’t know why I am so bitter. I guess it is pure jealousy. But I just feel weird. Like maybe he shouldn’t have gone? Or maybe he should have called me more?? Or maybe I wanted more praise for what a kick ass wife I am??? Maybe I just wanted something. And I did have a fine time while he was away. I was even able to go out for a quick girls night out, so it wasn’t like a total bust. But for some reason, I just can’t stop being a bitch about it. For example, he came home with his duffel bag full of clean clothes. He did all of his laundry at his brothers so when he arrived, the only thing to add to our never ending laundry was what he was wearing. Well one of my unspoken chores in this house is putting away the laundry. He takes care of the yard and a million other things and I put away laundry. Well not this shit. This was his vacation laundry and that vacation annoyed me, so you can put that shit away yourself. And yesterday, I finally told him that. He said didn’t understand the difference between laundry sitting on top of the dryer and in his duffel, and why I would put away one and not the other, but understanding is not my problem. I threw that bag on top of the bed and he got to work.

I know I need to stop. Stop with the dirty looks every time he brings up Seattle. Fucking Seattle. Gross ( I actually love it there.) But if I was going to be the ultimate bitch, I should have just said don’t go, right?? But then I would be a cranky, needy, doesn’t let her man do anything wife and I am not that girl. I guess it is better to be the, sure, go on and have fun while I stay home and whine and then be a bitch when you get home wife. Either way we are all screwed right?!

I will get over it. I have a bit already. Now that the vacation clothes aren’t staring me in the face…….Next time I will tell him to go. That I am cool with it. But I will be a bitch for awhile afterwards. Nature of the beast right. The beast called, The Shitty Housewife.

 

It is Thanksgiving!!! So it seems like the perfect time for me to express a little extra thanks to some of my favorite things. These things that bring so much joy, laughter and love to my life. Things that I honestly do not know how I would survive life without.

Now most if you are expecting me to say my husband. My kids. My family. His family. My friends. My work. My home. Our health. But like come one…those are a given. Of fucking course my survival depends on all of those beautiful things and people. But today I am talking about some real day to day shit that thank fucking lord Jesus exist.

#5 Google

I mean what on earth would I do without Google? Google has gotten me out of so many jams….like on a daily basis. I am thankful for you Google for all of your life lessons and for advancing me in my school program (seriously though…..like I would still be in my first semester had it not been for Google.) THANK YOU GOOGLE!!!

#4 Salsa and Queso

Queso, you will never understand how much you have improved my life. Your cheesy yumminess can turn any frown upside down and make any shitty day so much better. Salsa…quite frankly, I have no words. I think of you at every meal, knowing how much you could improve what I am eating. Thank you both for being there for me for so many years and trust….many more to come. Thank you Queso and Salsa!

#3 Tampons

Man ol man tampons…we have come a long way. I mean through all the PMS, mood swings, tears, ice cream fests, you have always been there. Making me feel as comfortable as one can feel as they are bleeding for 5 days straight. You are my little right hand man for a week out of every month. And those 27 months I was pregnant, I did miss you. Thank you tampons. You truly are a girls best friend.

#2 Beer

You all knew this was coming, right???!!! Beer, I love you so much it is crazy. You always know how to work my palette in the most scrumptious way. You make social scenes so much more tolerable (and being around my kids!) You make working a long day worth it and you make hangovers….not AS bad. Thank you Beer, for always being there for me.

#1 Orgasms

I don’t know too many people who aren’t thankful for you orgasm. You are the only thing that can make me forget when my husband is bugging me. You are the only cure for a minor headache and I can always rely on you for helping me feel more “active” when I forget to work out. You literally make me feel happiness and not too many things can do that. Thank you orgasm. Forever and always……

xoxo

The Shitty Housewife

 

Happy Thanksgiving week. What a wonderful holiday to celebrate being thankful and eating?! Two of my favorite things. This week, so many people are focused on food and menus, I thought we would keep that focus going during our “alone time.” So this week when you are sneaking away from your family to get yourself thankful, think about these two hotties who are not only beautiful, but freaking magicians in the kitchen.

Geoffrey Zakarian has been on my hot list for quite some time. Blame it on daddy issues or just the fact that he is sexy as hell. All of his recipes make me excited and I know one day I will actually eat at one of his restaurants. Giada…..not much to say about her. I mean how the fuck do you cook so many carbs and still look that good??? She is a knock out and can throw down with some serious housewife pride.

So this week, as you are cooking away that turkey and stuffing take some time for yourself. I think we will all agree, we want a cook in the kitchen and a freak in the sheets….or maybe the other way around!!!!

xoxo

The Shitty Housewife