A week ago today, my entire world changed. Something happened that was so out of my control, and so out of a bad dream, that it has taken me a week to digest this sour pill, I was forced to swallow. A week ago today was the 2016 election and my candidate lost. (Well she actually didn’t lose, but because of our political system, she did.)

Now, don’t just stop reading because I was a Hillary voter. This is not a blog about how great she was, because she was just as flawed, but for extremely different reasons than our President elect and dear god, our Vice President elect. This is not a trash talking blog about Trump, although it is taking and has taken ALL of my willpower to not go ape shit on social media. This is also not a blog about the extreme divided lines our country is facing in our own community and now with MANY other countries. This IS a blog about me waking up. Because today, I did.

Last night when I went to bed I told myself it was time to stop. Stop crying. Stop responding. Stop reacting…no matter how atrocious the memes are (except the Biden one’s. Please don’t ever stop those.) Stop being apart of the lines and be apart of the change.

Yesterday, while my kids took their afternoon rest, my husband and I had some incredible sex. The kind you think about and text about for days after. When you have 3 kids and work and school and all the shit we do, a great, sweet, take your time kinda romp doesn’t exist. Yesterday, it felt important. Being close to him, in our home, our safe place where love and acceptance and support is vital and expected, we…god, I am gagging as my unromantic ass says this….made love. It felt so important. I needed that comfort and that safety and he gave it to me….and multiple orgasms.

Yesterday, I did some research on a dream I have been working on for awhile. I have been wanting to get involved in local politics. I have been asking questions, requesting information and looking around. Last night, I set up some calls and some meetings and had the discussion with Matt. He has urged me to take the plunge for months but after seeing how affected I was by this election, he and I both agree, now is the time. (Watch out Atlanta…no slogan yet…#oshaughnessy2017!)

Yesterday, I vowed to my kids that I would not talk shit about our government in front of them. They are young and don’t get it, but as their mom, I know, talking shit means shit. I told them action speaks louder than words and mommy’s actions are going to change the world. I vowed to them (unknowingly) that my depression over this was no longer their burden and that I would stop and their happy, fun, goofy mom was back.

Yesterday, I wrote for The Shitty Housewife. Man, I have missed you. I was excited to be back and thought my opening line to yesterday’s Masturbation Monday was fucking spot on. I have many goals for this blog and letting this craziness get in my way is simply silly. This blog has empowered me over this past year and empowerment is what I need for this new focus.

Yesterday, I worked out. I ran. Like hell. I huffed and puffed. I sweat like a fool and I felt stronger than I have in days. I ate right, I drank water and I vowed to take care of this beautiful body I have been blessed with. I am a proud women and celebrating this body needs to be a daily goal.

Yesterday, things changed. I am focused, strong and sexaully satisfied (hehehe!!) I am not okay with what began a week ago, but I am accepting it. I am processing it in a constructive way and working on ways to help move forward. I, as a quirky, sometimes confused, strong, optimistic, flat chested women am making things change. Maybe not for the world (right away) but for my world.

Xoxo

The Shitty Housewife

Since last week 50% of America decided talking about grabbing other women’s pussies was totally cool, I decided it was time to get back to talking about grabbing my own. And after a Sunday afternoon romp where my husband handed me not one but TWO orgasms in one session, sex is suddenly on my mind. I guess it is better than thinking about last week’s election, right? And since said romp is leaving big shoes to fill, I decided to drop two of the hottest SOB’s that are around. Kate Hudson and Larenz Tate.

Remember Dead Presidents?? Remember how damn sexy and awesome Larenz was??? And now, he is even hotter. Seriously, google him…NOW. He has this next door neighbor, handy man, stand up for shit kinda look that makes me want to paint my face white, black out my eyes and get freaky.

And Kate…. I mean, could she be any more perfect? Not only does she ooze sexiness, what she oozes more is HAPPINESS. And nothing is sexier than that. I have adored her since Almost Famous and as she has become more famous herself, she just gets better.

So enjoy these. Take some time with yourself or your loved one (they are always full of surprises!!!) Let’s make this week better. Filled with more love, laughter and booty! Happy Masturbation Monday.

xoxo

The Shitty Housewife

I know many of you won’t be getting yourself  off to thoughts of my husband (hats off if ya do!) But today is my very first, first anniversary and I just want to celebrate him. My husband. Besides being the most handsome guy I know, he is simply the best. He has altered my life in the most unimaginable, least expecting way. He has forever made me a better person and I will go to my grave loving him unconditionally. I always knew I could make it on my own. That my life would be complete without a partner. Matt was the first person I met that made me NOT want to do it on my own. He made me want to go through this life journey with someone…..with him. I am so thankful for how he adores me and everything I do. How he supports my crazy ways and ideas. How he is raising our kids. Thankful for the way he makes me laugh, the way he makes me love and the way he makes me feel. I am proud every moment of everyday that he choose me to be his wife. Today I celebrate him and me, being man and wife. So my masturbation Monday is my main squeeze…Matt. Happy Anniversary to us!!!

As my anniversary approaches, I can’t help but think back to the magical day I became Matt’s wife. My wedding was AWESOME! And although I know everyone says that about their wedding (which they should!!) ours was so freaking special, it was beyond words. We didn’t become just a man and wife….we became an official family. Our kids were there to hear our vows and us rat pack of weirdos became The O’Shaughnessy’s. It was THE best day of my life.

But everything great comes with some blows and my wedding had a few. I assume all weddings do. But I am here to list a few wedding day blunders in hopes to help so other bride (or groom) not make the same mistake.

1. Don’t assume that if you know the venue dude personally, he will follow through with his word……I did this. It was a friend of a friend and because he was so cool and laid back, he ended up costing us. The venue itself was INCREDIBLE. It was an art gallery in the middle of Atlanta. Beautiful, unique and weird. The perfect setting for us and our Halloween wedding. And since we “knew” this guy, we got nothing in writing. So when we went there to set up, all those tables and chairs he told us about months before were gone. We suddenly needed this crazy insurance. His PA system was MIA. Needless to say, we ended up over budget $2000 because they day before the wedding, we had zilch of things he said. And I was a basket case and he was an asshole.
2. Bridal Party deserves the world…..and I didn’t give it to them. We should have spoiled them more and we didn’t. They were all unbelievable and full of love and I wish to god I would have done more for all of them.
3. MIC CHECK…..make sure you have a microphone. We did, but again thanks to #1, he dropped the ball and the day off it became all too complicated to get one. Every wedding needs a microphone.
4. Speak up…..my hair was not what I wanted. I did the trial and she lost the pictures in her phone and winged it. I felt pretty, but looking at the pictures, it was not what we had planned. I should have spoken up in the hotel room while getting ready, but I wasn’t paying attention. Matt will go to his grave saying how beautiful I looked, but I almost hate seeing myself in my pictures because of it.
5. The Dress….go with your gut. I liked my dress. Matt loved my dress. It wasn’t the one. But I waited last minute and didn’t fight hard enough for the one I wanted. Again, I felt pretty but looking back, I wasn’t the most beautiful one the outside as I could have been. I was damn near perfect on the inside though and that is all that matters.
6. Not having out “last dance” in which all of our family and friends sang to us on video……This by far will haunt me forever. It was so magical, I thought I was floating on air. I would love to have it to watch every year.

I hope this helps!!! We had a million more blunders. My wedding day was my first ever jumping a car experience. Our DJ was so drunk he whipped his dick out and fell over (pretty amazing!) My uncle vomited in an Uber. My kid walked down the aisle with a peanut butter sandwich that came from…..NO ONE KNOWS!!!! Shit happens, ya know. All the time. Even on your big day. Overall, your wedding will be amazing because it is your day to marry that person who has your heart. And that shit is all that matters!!

I am quickly coming up on my year anniversary……..what the fuck???!!!! How did a year go so damn fast. People used to always say, the older we get, the faster time flies. Man, they were right. I mean a week seems like 2 days. One day seems like an afternoon. And a year, well let’s just say that shit is going faster than I could have ever imagined.

It is crazy to think “This time last year…” Mainly because I was excited, stressed, nervous, humbled, everyday preparing for the wedding. All while parenting, studenting, moving and a bunch of other shit. It seems like a blink ago I woke up on Halloween like holy fuck….I am getting married today.

I have heard the first year of marriage is the hardest. To which I reply….WRONGOLA!!!! The first year of marriage is incredible!!! We lived off of the high from our wedding (and the abundance of booze we had left over) for months. I mean a song, a picture, a word could bring Matt and I back to that amazing day where our lives changed. We talked about it and how perfect it was for months. There was nothing hard about it. It was magical and romantic and just beautiful.

Maybe people should say the 23rd year of marriage is hard, because damn….. 23 years seems like forever and I am pretty sure your genitals are sick of each other at that point. I mean, maybe not. Well, I hope not. I guess I will let you know in 2038. After that many years, I imagine mundane things are hard. The first year is not. 365 days after the most romantic, loving day of your life should not be hard.

I am not saying it is all roses either. We are two humans living under the same roof. Shit is bound to get annoying. I mean, currently we are kinda giving each other the silent treatment (since last night) and honesty I have no idea why. Like for real. He started it and now I am taking it to a whole new level. But shit like that happens. It is normal. But it isn’t hard. Trying to have a baby and not being able too is hard. Seeing a friend die is hard. Having a sick child is hard. Seeing your spouse in pain is hard. The 2016 presidential election is so hard. But loving someone a year in is not.

So let’s re-word this whole idea. I am here to tell you the first year of marriage is simply amazing. It brings back the giddiness, the romance, the sex, the looks, like the beginning of your relationship. Reveal in it. Year 2 approaches fast and who the fuck knows what happens then!

Look, it’s my blog and I will Timberlake if I want too. This week is huge for us JT fans. His documentary of his last concert The 20/20 Experience premieres on Netflix Wednesday. This bitch can not wait. I plan on more than just wetting my whistle Wednesday if ya feel my drift! I mean, you just don’t get hotter in my book. And as the movie gets closer, I get friskier. (Matt should write Netflix a thank you note!) So today, as we get back to the grind, think about the grind of JT…..I swear it will make your Monday a little less Mondayish and a whole lot sexier.

Alas, it is here. My favorite month. October. Which is filled with all of my favorite things. Pumpkin flavors, a crisp in the air, scarves for the ladies, beanies for those boys. I mean could it get any better? And although those all sound like basic bitch things, and I am far from a basic bitch (I am a tired bitch…..not basic ) I enjoy everything that this month brings.

On top of October welcoming fall, it also is Halloween. The best holiday ever and since last year, on Halloween day I became an official Shitty Housewife, now my two favorite things ever, Halloween and my anniversary are all occurring during my favorite time of year. It’s like too much happiness. I mean the only thing better would be National Queso Day being celebrated on October 31st too, but that would almost be too much….ALMOST.

It is still hard for me to believe that I got married. I mean I am still in shock I found Matt. Like I found my person. I held out and held on and there he was. And we got married. We committed forever. And we did it on Halloween. Like what the fuck. Originally we were suppose to get married the August before in New Hampshire. A summer wedding at his parents lakehouse. But because of me being in school, money, stress, two toddlers and a new fetus in my belly, we pushed it back. And when we realized the following year, 2015, Halloween was falling on a Saturday, we knew it was meant to be. Pushing t back over 15 months was a hard pill to swallow, but I popped out a baby and nabbed my associates degree, so I kept my mind busy.

But man, was it worth it. October embraced my wedding plans and our guests and our celebration perfectly. Just like I knew it would. October is the most amazing, most incredible, most romantic month and it did us well.

I have already been enjoying October this year. Trying to think of the perfect 1st anniversary gift (paper….what the fuck?!) And this year, since there is no wedding, Trick or Treating with the 3 kids is on everyone’s mind. Although they are out seeing butterflies, dinosaurs and princess’s in the store, we have been training them that scary and spooky is the way to go. Or funny (which the baby will be….he doesn’t know what the fuck is happening, so we have picked out something hysterical.)

Anyway, what a time of year. Bust out those flat boots and make your man put on a beanie (they make any man look 1000 times cuter….trust me.)  Enjoy it. I love you October and always will!

This week I wanted to take it back to some hottness from the 90’s. Some special folk who were not only passionate about their music, they were (and still are) passionate about their beliefs. Two musicians that poured their heart and souls into their guitars and made me fall in love.

Tom Morello and Alanis Morisstte know how to make this gal feel. And all sort of feelings too. After a little Rage or Jagged Little Pill….I am hard up to make some shit happen and just hard up. Tom is a sex beast and he strums that guitar in the sexiest way. And Alanis belts out some feisty ass feminine power like we all wish we could. So sit back this Monday and reminisce about the old days. Those days when music was impossible to ignore…..just like your hard on.

Well, after 2 weeks off from the blog……I’M BACK!!!!!!! Sadly, I am not better, but I am back. It has been a long 4 weeks or so for this Shitty Housewife. I put on a good front for awhile, but it got me. Break needed. And although when you live my crazy life, a true break never happens, I did need to slow down for a bit. Or at least not write for a bit.

First and foremost, thank you all SO very much for all of the sweet calls, messages, comments and notes about my eyes. The last you saw of me was a video explaining why I had taken some time off. My vision was doing some wacky ass shit. I really appreciate all of your advice and after MANY trips to MANY doctors, we are on the uphill to getting these baby blues healthy. So prior the eye fiasco, I got slammed with a 2 week long cold and severe congestion. Like the shit would not let up….my life for 15 days was like…….

I know you have all been there. Then as soon as it ended, the whole eye flare up got CRAZY. That was more than just painful…it was scary as fuck. I mean, I have terrible vision but blacked out spots and shit became consuming and terrifying. Frankly it still is, but I am being positive. So at its peak, the stress from that and everything going in, I was hit with a 3 day migraine. Like WHAT THE FUCK???? I would not wish that shit on anyone….okay well maybe Trump, but maybe even not him! I seriously thought my brain was bleeding at one point. So, as soon as we get that under control, I get some on again off again shoulder pain flare up I have had since I cut hair for 10 years. And of all times for it to start right??? Like damn Gina….give me a break. So one day…..ONE MOTHER FUCKING DAY after that shit clears up, my son comes home with some sore throat bug and who wakes up with it??? That’s right, my weak immune system ass. Here I am again, under the freaking weather. Fever, chills, body aches. Today I am better, but still have to cringe every time I sallow. No BJ’s this week Matt O….my bad. But after almost starting to feel like a semi normal human again, I got my freaking period. Which, thank god. That is always welcomed in this house, but of all days. Jesus.

Ugh, I am just spent. I know I put a lot on my plate, but to me that is life. I am given one and I want to live this one to the fullest. I want each day to be filled with family, goals, accomplishments. It is like my mind has all these ideas and all this energy and my body can’t keep up. How do I get myself healthier? I went and got the vitamins, the apple cider vinegar, the hot tea. I mean I know the beer doesn’t help, but frankly, that is the only shit that keeps me sane.

I need to remember I am not in my early 20’s. Well, maybe I am mentally, but physically, this body is pooped. And I do want to live a long full life. I just need to find a balance (don’t we all.) Anyway, hopefully I am on the mend. Hopefully long month of ailments is passing. Lord knows, I am spent from them! Now off to take another apple cider vinegar shot and drink some tea and change my tampon. Bundle of joy guys…..BUNDLE!

Since the last month of my life has been surrounded by my many ailments, I have decided to dedicate this Masturbation Monday to doctors. Now although, I adore my doctors….they certainly DO NOT make me want to run for my bullet and that is probably a good thing right. I can not imagine having a hot doctor in real life. But these two make doctors in TV land extra, extra sexy. Hugh Laurie and Kate Walsh. House could diagnose my optic neuritis and Madison my cold/flu like symptoms any day with no complaint from me. They make feeling bad look good. I would take as many shots from them as needed and never eat apples to keep them away. Thank you Hugh and Kate. You do make me feel better. Happy Monday!

xoxo

The Shitty Housewife