Welp, I have made the leap from part time to full time at my job. Long story, but it involves insurance and the need for more cash flow because I don’t want school debt. I have been working 12-15ish hours at my husbands business for awhile. We swap the kids, he leaves the office and I get some hours. Well, last week we had to take it up a notch. After many long discussions, crunching numbers and a few disagreements (mainly him not wanting me to work more and me knowing I should) I started a 30+ hour week. And this week my classes began. 30 hours, 3 classes, 3 kids, 3 dogs….I am surrounded by 3’s….meta physical people, what does that mean?????

Anyway, this shit is intense. I am not going to lie. After an 8 hour shift, scooping up a kid at school, coming home to deal with 3 toddlers, it’s like what the fuck just happened. I know people have been doing it forever and I applaud you, I truly do. But this is a whirlwind for me. On top of all of that I got my fucking period full force, so you know I don’t want to deal with shit.

Being a mom can take it out of you. You give your body, your mind, your food…..all you do is give every second of everyday. Then add on top of that go to work and give more. It’s crazy. Yes, there is a paycheck. And yes you get a break from the day in day out of kids, but doing both full time is not for the weary and sadly, I have been weary for a couple years now. Anyway, just venting about this. I do enjoy my job. The people are great and they are people I would have never gotten the chance to meet otherwise. It is a great resume builder for when I jump into a ‘real’ job dedicated to my major. And I get to work with dogs…..PERK!!!! (Their owners…well…sometimes, not so much.) I know I am lucky to have this opportunity and the opportunity to have been at home with my kids for so long.

I look at Matt in a whole new light as well. He is a truly dedicated dad and he has been doing this from Day 1. But for some reason he is never as tired as me. Maybe it’s because all of the hand jobs I’m giving…hehehehehe.

Anyway, better go. My kids are crying, my dogs are barking, my teachers are waiting and my alarm is going off at 5:30 am…..

So lately I have been doing a lot of thinking about my mother. I mean, I think about her all of the time, but these days she is popping up much more than normal. Maybe it is because she is going through some changes. Maybe it is because I am worried about her. Maybe it is because I miss her and wished we saw each other more.

It is weird, now that I am a mom, to think about her in settings and situations that I am in. And I know she probably reacted much like myself as a mom. She probably said swear words, drank beer and openly loved in front of us. And I KNOW she was beyond devoted, worked like a dog and supported us ALWAYS. She was a single mom most of my life and fuck, I don’t know how she did it. She worked doubles waiting tables, driving my sister and I to and from everything, making sure we had everything we needed. And I never saw her complain once. I know she did. I know she bitch about it, cursed my father and cried to her friends. But I never saw that. I just saw a women who busted her ass to make her two girls thrive. She was the epitome of a shitty housewife….but not in the shitty way. In the realistic, been through hell and back, fought hard and made shit happen. And afterwards, enjoyed a glass of wine. She is the women we all say “I don’t know how she does it” too. She is the women who gave up a lot so her kids could have it all. She is the women who was treated like crap by some crappy men but still deeply believes in love. She is the women who gave me the confidence in the women that I am today.

I am lucky that we are still so close. We don’t see each other all that often since traveling for both of us gets tough. But as my kids get older, that will become better. We still talk a ton (well as much as we can with three screaming kids in the background.) One day I envision myself with her and my sister, at a beach house, just us three, no husbands or kids just reminiscing about the old days. When the three of us were surviving. I don’t often open up about my childhood but as I see my kids grow, I do see things. And the main person I see is my mom and her struggle. And how that struggle was NOT apparent to us. I see it now and don’t know how she did it. But she did. She raised two women who are now married with kids. She built a family. Alone. Nothing shitty about that.

Love you Grams. For all you have done. Always. Can’t wait to sit on a patio, in the beautiful October weather and drink a cold one with you.