So lately I have been doing a lot of thinking about my mother. I mean, I think about her all of the time, but these days she is popping up much more than normal. Maybe it is because she is going through some changes. Maybe it is because I am worried about her. Maybe it is because I miss her and wished we saw each other more.
It is weird, now that I am a mom, to think about her in settings and situations that I am in. And I know she probably reacted much like myself as a mom. She probably said swear words, drank beer and openly loved in front of us. And I KNOW she was beyond devoted, worked like a dog and supported us ALWAYS. She was a single mom most of my life and fuck, I don’t know how she did it. She worked doubles waiting tables, driving my sister and I to and from everything, making sure we had everything we needed. And I never saw her complain once. I know she did. I know she bitch about it, cursed my father and cried to her friends. But I never saw that. I just saw a women who busted her ass to make her two girls thrive. She was the epitome of a shitty housewife….but not in the shitty way. In the realistic, been through hell and back, fought hard and made shit happen. And afterwards, enjoyed a glass of wine. She is the women we all say “I don’t know how she does it” too. She is the women who gave up a lot so her kids could have it all. She is the women who was treated like crap by some crappy men but still deeply believes in love. She is the women who gave me the confidence in the women that I am today.
I am lucky that we are still so close. We don’t see each other all that often since traveling for both of us gets tough. But as my kids get older, that will become better. We still talk a ton (well as much as we can with three screaming kids in the background.) One day I envision myself with her and my sister, at a beach house, just us three, no husbands or kids just reminiscing about the old days. When the three of us were surviving. I don’t often open up about my childhood but as I see my kids grow, I do see things. And the main person I see is my mom and her struggle. And how that struggle was NOT apparent to us. I see it now and don’t know how she did it. But she did. She raised two women who are now married with kids. She built a family. Alone. Nothing shitty about that.
Love you Grams. For all you have done. Always. Can’t wait to sit on a patio, in the beautiful October weather and drink a cold one with you.
