Joseph Gordon-Levitt & Mary Louis-Parker

Happy Monday. Now that you are all marched and footballed out, it is time to get to something of the utmost importance…….MASTURBATION MONDAY!!!! Today I didn’t have a direct theme, but I knew of two people who I have been meaning to showcase for some time. And then it hit me…..3 NAMERS!!!!

Joseph Gordon-Levitt is the cutest man on the planet. For real, he is so damn adorable, sometimes it is hard to lok at him. He is so charming and politcal and sweet and a do gooder. He could have all the names in the world and it would still be totally cool and not annoying because of how rad this man is. He could hyphenate me all day long!

I really do not have words for Mary Louise-Parker. There are few that I consider queen status when it comes to housewives…..but she definitely makes the list. She has been around the block a few times and knows how to handle herself in the most sexy, confident, inspiring way. I love you girl….and damn you are sexy!!

So there ya go! Happy Hyphenated Masturbation Monday!

xoxo

The Shitty Housewife

 

 

 

The Timing of a Girlfriend

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“I never wanted to be a wife. It wasn’t really a major goal of mine. I never had the wedding dreams or thought much about rings. I just didn’t get that girly gene…”

That’s just how Jan started her article, Timing of a Wife, today last year, and I would say I totally agree. Growing up I never understood the idea behind needing “just another piece of paper” to prove your commitment. And while I still find it very formal and silly, I find myself craving it.

Maybe blame the preggo hormones, but I have been feeling it for a while. To the point where I find myself dropping stupid, pressuring “hints” about as subtle as a potty training toddler peeing on your carpet yelling at you the whole time… I do it to the point that I annoy myself as I say it. Its like Mean Girls word vomit. I hear the words coming out of my mouth while my head is saying, “WTF are you doing?”

We have been together for over 6 years, have a 2 year old and a baby on the way. I always thought that if I were to get married, it would be before kids (even though I NEVER thought that would happen either. Joke is on me!) Then, I claimed it would be a deal breaker for us to have a second kid. No judge, no love. Here I am 7 months pregnant with no proposal in sight. And I know this for a fact, because of what he said at Christmas that really messed with me…

Now, hear me out because I know it sounds bad, but I know what he meant.

**Setting the scene, Christmas Eve, heading home from family’s house with our little girl sleeping in the back, high on hormones and butterflies, his hand resting on my thigh where it always is when I drive, just giddy** And then he says this:

You know, I am definitely not proposing or anything,right?

My heart sunk… like I had no inkling or reason to believe that he was going to but hearing that just hurt… I felt all of these weird, oddly unlike me feelings. I felt unworthy, like I hadn’t proven myself good enough, like he didn’t want me as his wife.

He noticed my heart drop through my butt and we had a talk… He explained how he didn’t mean it like that at all but that he would never propose at Christmas time, he was giving me jewelry and wanted to prepare me that it wasn’t a ring in the box, and that all of my feelings were wrong, because I am good enough. I understood where he was coming from and realized those beers from the party make his typically already bad choice of words worse than usual.

But it kind of triggered something inside me. I realized I need to chill. Getting married just wouldn’t make sense for us at the moment and I know this, so I don’t know why I am so worried about it. He loves me, he’s committed to me, and he treats me like I should be treated. We are a typical old married couple with kids but I don’t share his last name. Yet.

As of now, I am happy with our family, with our lives, and with my gorgeous, sweet, adoring BOYFRIEND. When the time comes, we will still pass out watching Netflix at 9pm, eat ice cream in bed, passive aggressively state who changed the baby’s diaper last, and avoid doing dishes together.

So Nicholas: husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, baby mama and baby daddy, no matter the stage I will always have a crush on you.

Barack and Michelle Obama

I can not believe it is time to say goodbye to these two. I know it isn’t goodbye forever, because I know how much they love our country and they will continue to work and fight for it, but it is goodbye for now. I also know some of my readers are not fans of the Obamas and that is okay, but I am. I am proud to have voted for him twice. I am also extremely honored and grateful to have lived, as an adult, during his presidency.

I have adored watching these two love each other. To see her love and support him and see him swoon and respect her has been beautiful. They see their role as major players (which they should, they are the first couple!) and they have excelled at showing their country the importance of love, the importance of family , and most of all the importance of respect for all.

Obama has accomplished goals that I will always appreciate as an American citizen. Fighting for climate change, fighting for gay rights, fighting for women, just fighting. He tried to pass a law against congress being involved in insider trading (which is WAY illegal for us regular folks) but it got denied (yes, those people in the higher seats can do it legally!) He humanized being a politican the best he could and I will always be grateful for all of those things.

This will be a sad week for many of us. But if I have learned anything from my president it is this… have hope. Believe in it. Believe in ourselves and our fellow Americans. Believe in kindness and love. Believe that we can. I have no idea what the future holds as far as politics are concerned. As a female, a member of the middle class, a mom to young children and a strong believer in so much our new president is against, I am scared. But as someone who has learned in 8 years that good things can happen, I am hopeful.

Thank you Barack and Michelle. For giving me 8 years of your life to fight for so many of ours. I can not wait to see what the future holds for you and your incredible family. Yes we can. Yes we did. Yes we can.

One Year! |FREE PRINTABLE|

We have a one year old! I can’t believe it! Time has blown by us and we are blown away at how much you have grown. You have shown us a love we never knew existed and can’t wait for many more years with you.

xoxo

Mommy and Mommy love you and can’t wait to see who you become!

It has been a whole year here at The Shitty Housewife and we cannot thank y’all enough for your continued support and your open, warm embrace. We appreciate your reading, your likes, your shares, your stories, and your faces.

Please, download our FREE printable (below) and join us in our Shitty Housewife pride!

Laminate it for your fridge, put it in a frame to use again and again, or give as a gift. Once you have, take a selfie with your filled out checklist and tag @TheShittyHousewife and hashtag #ShittyHousewifeChecklist on Instagram to be entered to win!

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DOWNLOAD: shitty-housewife-checklist

New Year Old Me

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It is the beginning of January. The time of year when everyone is feeling like setting new goals, new budgets, new workouts, new attitudes. It is a time to renew yourself and your life and have a huge sense of change in your daily living. We set new goals for ourselves to be more adult, more responsible, resolving to make our our lives more fufilled.

You know what I am saying this year…..FUCK THAT. I am saying new year, old me. And this year I am keeping my resolution!

I have tried the whole “New Me” thing several times. Eating better, starting a new excersie program, drinking more water, saving more money, being more patient. I have done it all. But as I began thinking about what I wanted to improve this year, it dawned on me. Remember when I used to be young and much more fun? The old me would resolve to make more friends. The old me would resolve to dance more. The old me would resolve to pet more animals and play more jump rope. The old, younger, innocent, child Jan would see the new year as a time to take something I love and do more of it. Living life to the fullest and making myself happy in any way I know how. The kid Jan would never to vow to do more of something I never really enjoyed. What kinda life goal is that???

So this year, I am reaching out to the child that has been pushed away by this life of adulting and asking her, what do you love and what should adult Jan do more of? I took days to reflect on this and I was so suprised and excited about what came to fruition.

I want to celebrate birthdays better. Remember when your friends birthdays were just as exciting as yours??? It is time to get that feeling back. I want to play more. Not just get so wrapped up in the daily grind of work, school, parenting….I want to play kickball and jump rope. Not just watch my kids play, I want to do it. I want to do more fun things with my hair, nails and clothes, like 20ish year old Jan used too. Now, I only doing things for my kids, I have completely lost myself and all of my accessory funkyness. I want to flirt more (with my husband) I want to laugh more, I want to thank people more, but mostly, I want to live life more.

I am so sick and tired of setting expectations that are not feeding my mind and my happiness. Yes, I need to eat better, work out more, save money, and be more patient. But these things should not be something I resolve to do in January. They should just happen as life happens. But you should resolve to better YOU by recreating old things that make you happy.

So cheers to January and making life more fun. Now if you’ll exuse me I need to go play Barbie and Spiderman with my kids…..I asked them to save Cabbage Patch baby for me!

xoxo

The Shitty Housewife

Crock Pot Spaghetti Squash

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So there was this video recipe I saw all over Facebook. It was a slow cooked spaghetti squash, finished off like a true pasta. The reviews were raving. I have always wanted to cook spaghetti squash and I needed to get back to this Fat Kid Friday deal, so I thought….PERFECT. Everyone claimed it tasted just like real pasta and that you could sneak a veggie to your kids. I thought, well this will be great…….well here is my review.

Ingredients: 1 Spaghetti Squash. 4oz. Cream Cheese. 2 cups frozen peas. 5 pieces of bacon. Parmesan cheese. Salt and Pepper.

Step One:

Poke holes in the squash and put in the crock pot with 1 cup of water for 3 hours.

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Step Two:

Once the 3 hours is getting close to being over, dice bacon up and fry it. And do actually 6 pieces, because your fat ass will eat like an entire piece “just taking a quick bite.”

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Step Three-

Listen to the hardship of an almost 2 year old

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Step Four-

Take out squash. Cut in half. Take the top layer out with the seeds and throw it away. Then scoop out the rest and put back in the crock pot (do not remove the water!!!)

Step Five-

Add cream cheese, bacon and peas. Let cook for anther 45 minutes.

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Step Six-

Let your kids watch creepy play dough Youtube videos because you are that kinda mom sometimes.

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Step Seven-

Mix all together and serve. We paired it with a salad and some garlic bread.

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So here is how dinner began……..”Hey guys, it is pasta! Eat up!”

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Here is how it ended…..IN FUCKING TEARS FOR EVERYONE INCLUDING ME!!! This recipe was great….for Matt and I. The kids hated it. They thought it was so gross. And it wasn’t at all. But they were being super annoying and dramatic. We are sticklers for finishing dinner and that was not happening. Everyone was crying, yelling and throwing fits. I had to excuse myself because I was so irritated (hence my tears.) I would say go for it with this recipe, but for real, it does NOT taste like pasta! Those little punks will know!!!

xoxo

The Shitty Housewife

Thursday Thoughts

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So I have always been a ‘girl power’ kinda chick, but lately my feminist side has really been feeling strong. As I get older and as I see my daughter develop into an actual human, I truly do see women being the underdog. I know it has been that way for centuries and I also know that women have it much better than some groups of people. But today I am focusing on us. Us vaginas. And the reality that we aren’t given the credit we deserve.

We have always been considered the weaker sex. But think about it….wouldn’t the stronger sex be the one’s who can grow a human inside of them? Wouldn’t the stronger sex be the one’s who had to give up their body for 9 + plus, then push an entire human out of a very small hole. Wouldn’t the stronger sex have to then feed and nurture the baby with their own body part. The fact that we are considered weaker yet we bear the children is just an extremely odd thought.

We also have way more blame to deal with. If someone gets accidentally knocked no one is walking around looking at the guy all shady. Trust me, I have been there. When I found out I was pregnant with Viv, I heard people say shit like, “Oh, locking him down” and “Sure you took your birth control.” No one said shit to Matt. Just talked about his super sperm and what a man he was. Not only did I have to deal with a multitude of body adjustments, but also constant questioning and second guessing of myself. I survived. So wouldn’t all of that  make me the stronger of the 2 between Matt and I?

And they idea that when someone is weak they get called a pussy. What the fuck is that??? I have been flicked/gabbed/hit in the pussy and was just fine. But Jesus….barely tap some dude in the balls and GAME OVER. He is down on his knees crying like a little bitch. And in the act of sex pussy’s are the ones getting pounded, not doing the pounding, which again, receiving a pounding is a lot harder. So this whole idea of calling someone a pussy as a result of weakness is fucking wrong. Next time someone calls me a pussy, my reply….DAMN STRAIGHT.

I know, I know, we have taken strides thanks to some amazing women. But every once in awhile I just wish we had taken larger ones. I wish locker room talk didn’t exist. I wish when a man violated a woman he would have to pay his dues and not be excused. I wish that it was true that my daughter will have the exact same opportunities in life that my sons will. I wish that a woman’s place was in the kitchen. The kitchen in the White House, while she is drinking a cold beer, asking her First Man if he had a nice day.

xoxo

The Shitty Housewife

 

 

Love…3 Times Around.

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Recently there was an article swarming around social media about how most people have 3 great loves of their loves. It was a beautiful piece and shared many times over. I read it. Twice actually. It really resonated with me. I could actually relate to the words I was reading so very much. I got to thinking about my past relationships and the impact they have had on me and growing into my final relationship with Matt.

I have kissed many frogs. In fact I spent a good majority of my 20’s making out with the entire city of Atlanta. I loved dating. I really did. Yeah, I had some shitty experiences but they all brought me to the place I needed to be when I went on that first date with Matt. He was not my first love. In fact he wasn’t my second love. And besides those 2 and him, I have told 2 other men I loved them ( because I thought I did.) And in between those 5 “I Love You’s” I had many short and long term interactions with men I really liked and enjoyed. Some I may have eventually fallen in love with if I took the time. Some may have fallen in love with me. But the time was ended because in my head, we both got what we needed from each other and it was time to take that and stop.

I fell in love for the first time when I was 19. We dated for 5 years. We lived with each other and supported each other. For a long time, I did think he was going to be my first and only boyfriend. He was the person I slept with. The first guy I opened up too. The first male I had ever trusted (I am a fatherless daughter, so this was HUGE.) But after many years of being together, we grew up. We wanted to experience more. We were best friends….and that was it. Which is great when a relationship turns into that when you are 85…not so much 24. We separated but to this day are friends. In fact Matt and him love each other and I consider his wife one of my good friends. We even asked them to be in our wedding (but her being super knocked up made travel hard!) Anyway, what I learned from that relationship was just how important a friendship while in love is. Having your person also be your buddy. Because when all the perky boobs and nice abs are gone and the sex is no longer, and your kids have kids,  and it is just you and them, you must simply like your partner. And he taught me this.

The second time I was in true love was many years later. The craziest thing about this guy is that I actually never officially dated him. I never actually said the words, ‘I love you’ to him. But I did. So much. This man effected me in a way I had not thought possible. From the moment he first spoke to me, my entire heart felt different. I don’t even know how to speak of my relationship with him now without rambling on and on.. because it  was a very odd situation. He lived across the country. We spoke in and out. We made it a point to see each other, but never in the capacity that 2 people in love should. He told me in so many ways that he loved me, but never in the way I actually needed. It was a very tough scenario and I can honestly say he is the only person who ever broke my heart. I cried more tears over him then I have ever over a man. Between him and my first love, I had two pretty serious relationships . But after the experience with this guy, I realized that I was not in love or loved like I deserved to be. And this man showed me that. Even though he did not say it, he showed me what I deserved. And more than that he showed me how someone should feel about a partner. He showed me how I should be in love. Although it was confusing and excruciating it was incredible. And I am so happy to have had that experience to learn from.

Which brings me to love….3 times around. My Matt O. The ultimate love of my life. Matt embodies everything good, positive and lovable about all the men I have chosen to date in my life. I have taken  all of my experiences and learned from them. Things  I like and things I hate. Traits I find tolerable and traits that are deal breakers. He is all the good in each one of my relationships. He is my buddy from love #1, he is an excellent kisser like that guy I met in Vegas. He is makes me laugh like that one random blind date I had. He loves foreplay like this awesome dude I hung out with for awhile. He is gorgeous like this hot neighbor I used to sleep with. He loves me like love #2 does, but he tells me in every way imaginable and more importantly then that, he lets me love him, the exact way I know how.

So make sure as you date and as these experiences end….even though a break up can suck, it can also be amazing. That person just made you a little more open to the path where your 3rd love is. And trust me, that shit is worth the wait.

xoxo

The Shitty Housewife

Hungarian Chicken Paprikas

From a Hungarian background, this dish reminds me of childhood and turned out to taste just like it! It is surprisingly easy and you more than likely have everything on hand already. I added a pinch of cayenne at the end to add a little kick but that is totally up to your preference. 

Let us know what you think and send us your photos of you make it! 


Ingredients:

¼ cup butter + 1 tablespoon

1 pound boneless skinless chicken breasts

1 medium onion, chopped

1 ½ cups chicken broth 

3 tablespoons Hungarian sweet paprika

½ teaspoon Kosher salt

1 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper

2 tablespoons all-purpose flour, as needed for coating chicken

1 cup sour cream

Instructions:

Chop chicken into 1” pieces and dry and dust lightly with flour.

Heat a large skillet over medium heat until it is hot. Melt ¼ cup butter. Add chicken, paprika, salt and pepper, and sauté until the chicken is lightly browned. Remove chicken from pan and tent loosely with foil.

Add remaining 1 tablespoon butter to pan and sauté onions until they are translucent. Return chicken to the pan.

Add chicken broth and gently simmer over low heat until chicken is cooked through. Remove chicken from the pan and tent loosely with foil.

Stir 2 tablespoons of flour into the pan and boil until the sauce has thickened to your taste. Add sour cream and return chicken to the pan and coat with the sauce.

Serve with spaetlze or egg noodles.
Now, if your boyfriend is anything like mine,don’t tell him it has sour cream! And ignore my dirty stove top!! Long day as a Shitty Housewife! 

Why I left your bitchy Facebook mom group


I am a member of a handful of mom groups on Facebook and I am loving how they have the ability to connect women and new moms and old moms and just all these women who may otherwise feel alone in a forum format.

These groups act as a sounding board for info for everything from sex after childbirth to ‘holy shit where is the Tylenol my husband just said the dumbest most outrageous thing I have ever heard and I want to punch him in the face‘ to how to get rid of your child’s pacifier dependence (still looking for tips of anyone has any crazy ideas.)

Since I belong to quite a few, I have seen the good and the bad sides to these groups. There are the breastfeeding groups, the baby wearing groups, the new mom groups, the working moms groups, the cannabis moms, the naughty moms, the photography moms, etc. And they all seem to attract a different crowd of moms. They are fucking great.

The one I can’t stand though is the gaggle of moms that think anyone who disagrees with them or acts a bit more modest is a prude or they are acting “better than” them. From what I can tell, they are often the younger moms who feel the need to act bitchy to show they are good mothers.

Let me clarify that I had my first kid at 20 years old and was breastfeeding for my wild 21st birthday bash and I am NOT the best or most traditional mom. I curse, I lose my cool, I wanted to cry when Joss outgrew her onesie that said “I’m with the MILF”. I could easily fit into the bitchy young moms group but fuck that. Since I am a young mom, I get how hard it can be to be a fucking mom, how nothing you ever do is right or fair or what the fuck ever.

My boyfriend asks me why I don’t just leave the groups when they start trashing other moms and honestly I guess I am just so in awe about how ridiculous this shit can get. There is one group in particular that has more drama than I have ever seen. And not even good ‘get the popcorn‘ drama but ‘how the hell do you care about this enough to waste your time on it?‘ drama.

The admins of all people will screenshot arguments from other posts and share them again, tagging the person and taunting them to defend themselves. They will gang up on someone for having a concern about a carseat and how loose it was in a photo. They will call people names and threaten them, claiming they should ‘just die because no one will care.‘ And women in this group will share dick pics to prove their husband is 13 inches which will then be screenshot and deleted by the admins. But don’t worry if you missed it, just message the admins, they will send it to you.

I mean really people? What the fuck? And when you finally get so sick of all of the petty, childish bullshit drama and make a post about why they are losing yet another follower, they will mock you the whole time and put your post in their “pathetic exit speech” album where they will continually mock you, call you names and inevitably start some other dramatic fight that will spin off into another post.

I just want these groups to go back to their normal selves.

I want to know I’m not the only one who has accidentally shot my boyfriend in the eyes when my milk lets down during sex, (sorry hun.)

I want to talk about the best budgeting tips and how your husband is yet another man who thinks the coffee table is magical and cleans itself.

I want to help encourage moms through the hard times and congratulate them on the good times.

I want these bitchy fucking cunts to get over themselves and stop being such nasty people.

This world needs more love and we have to start the trend. Help me out folks. We may be Shitty Housewives but we aren’t shitty people.
Xoxo

Nicole