My final Masturbation Monday




I have moved on from Masturbation Monday. Don’t get me wrong, masturbating is still the most fun, but I have decided to remove the weekly post series from the Shitty Housewife. We have celebrated some beautiful people on this page and I have loved every minute of it. But truth be told, I am over it.

So since this is my official last Masturbation Monday post AND my #1 GOAT masturbation material of all time has had me REELING all week, I decided it was a perfect way to close it.

Justin… you kill me… in the most amazing way possible. I never thought that as a 38 year old woman, happily married with all the kids I could still turn into a giddy teenage girl at the site of a popstar. But somehow you have managed to do this for me year after year after year. You have grown up into a beautiful man filled with love, laughter and a fantastic ass. You, me and my vibrator have had many a days together and we will continue to until the day I die. You are and always will be my #1 and I will go to my grave being proud of that. It has been an honor as your fan watching you grow into such an adorable husband and wonderful dad. And although I do get jealous that Jessica gets to have sex with you, I also know that they way you sing about her, is the way I would sing about Matt if I could.

Thank you for being you and for being such a great source of butterflies in my stomach for so long. No better feeling. I love you JT!! More than any man I have never met!


Jan O

The Shitty Housewife



The Superbowl

I just don’t get it. Why the hell do football players, coaches and all that is involved with a GAME (besides cheerleaders) get paid so much fucking money? I mean all they do is play a game!!!!!!
I get that it is hard, and demanding and you can get seriously injured, but for real. THAT MUCH MONEY???? While there are teachers, nurses, non profit workers out there changing the world and struggling to pay rent.
I like watching football. It is fun and interactive, I just can never get past the stupid money they make for NOT MAKING A DIFFERENCE! Now I know there are some players who do great things with their money, but yeah, they fucking should! You are playing a game and you do not deserve that much cash. Players get an extra $97,000 bonus for winning the Super Bowl and $49,000 for losing. To them, that is shit. To the normal everyday Joe, that is a years worth of work if not 2 and sometimes even 3 years!!!! It is crazy. What they get for a bonus a teacher gets in 2 years of educating the future of America. THAT SHIT IS WRONG!!!!
So F-U Super Bowl and all your money thrown at men who can throw a ball really well.

The Superbowl

There is no better day to be a snacker in America, then the day of the Superbowl. It gives us all the open right to munch away and I fucking love it. The dips, the cheese, the meats….it’s like the day television says, “Hey girl, today, calories don’t exist.”  Of course the commercials featuring half naked women don’t help, but those seems to have dissipated now that America’s government has fallen apart! And this year, the Superbowl has blessed us all with the halftime performer being the one….the only….JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. I mean, what is better than gorging all day with a JT concert in between chip dips….ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. SO cheers to you Superbowl for giving me this one day to  say screw you Keto and hello QUESO!



Let Love Rule


I have taken some time to do some reflection on what my goal is behind this blog. Besides being an awesome outlet for me and of course hitting you all with my incredible wit and charm….the question is, where am I going with this?

I do not want this to be a mom blog….ever. I have stated that many times and will stick to that until I shut this bitch down. There are a gazillion mom blogs out there that I love. And that I hate. But most have nailed it. And those that don’t are just straight up mom shaming. And I can not deal with that either. I want to write and focus my writing on something I have nailed, and motherhood will never be in that catagory.

But what have I nailed you ask???? Welp, besides living frugally for my entire life, mowing through cheese dip and procreating the most adorbs kids ever, I have also nailed LOVE.  SOothat my friends, is what this year is all about.

What the fuck is cooler than love? I have experienced so many sides of this incredible love journey, and love is truly an incredible thing. Love is what really drives this world and I am so excited to reflect on it, explore it and spread it.

So as I take you all on the journey of my love life we will eventually get to what brought me here. To this site. How did I fall in love and get nailed down as The Shitty Housewife? We will travel through all of my stories that lead me to the of the greatest love of my life, which is my husband. Although my love life has been hard, scary, rough, exhausting and ultimintley hysterical, it has been fucking incredible. And I am honored to have felt all the feels, cried all the tears and broke all the hearts to arrive in this relationship as Matt’s wife…..and what is shittier than talking about old flames, right????

Anyway, I am super stoked to have found my path. I hope you guys are excited, because I know I am. This blog means a lot to me and although I will always welcome so many different ideas, focusing on love and wifing is my voice. I fucking nailed both, right?!

But don’t worry, my wit will always shine through and I know you will all be laughing your ass off at my expense. I am excited to open up and show you this journey. There is nothing more entertaining than a love story right?!

So sit back, relax and LET LOVE RULE!


The Shitty Housewife

Times Up. Time to Wife.

Welp, it is time for me to man up and start trying to be a good housewife (trying being the key word here.)So as you know, I am the queen of staying busy. And not just sorta busy…..but like every minute of every day have something jammed into it. I try to never have a dull moment. In fact, I try so hard to never have a dull moment, that when I do, I am beyond lost and confused and usually just find myself in bed ready to sleep.  But my time has changed.

I graduated school.

I am about to have a normal, 9-5, corporate job.

I no longer work nights and weekends.


Physically at least. I have become so accustomed to being busy and not having “time” for extracurricular activites because I had so many insane obligations. But now, those obligations are gone…..forever…and time is something I suddenly have a lot of.

And what am I going to do with all this spare time. Welp, it is time for me to man up and start trying to be a good housewife (trying being the key word here.)

For years now, Matt has held the title in this house with chores, housework, projects, paying bills, raising kids, all while supporting me while I work and go to school.

But now it is my time. I get to to take the kids to school everyday. I get to pick them up every Friday and be with them all weekend until it is Monday again. I get to be home while he has major house projects, so as the housewife, I will finally begin all the little DIY projects I have been dying to do. I will be better at cleaning (bahahahahahahahahah) laundry (yeah right….) and all the shit us “housewives” are suppose to be doing…..kinda.

It’s just that I am ready to be more involved. More present. Living a life that is enhancing my home, not just my education or work experience. This is also finally the time to work on something I have completely let go of in the past few years of child birthing, working and schooling…..which is focusing on myself. I have started a workout program a couple months back that I love. I began a diet journey that I am so excited to share with you guys. I have bought some skin care and am following a routine, and I even purchsedn ew makeup……I mean WHO AM I???!!! But you guys, I am learning so much and can’t wait to tell you about it!
So get ready, this ol ball in chain is strapped with ideas AND TIME, which is amazing (and scary!) I have a few great tricks up my sleeve to bring here to my page, that I hope to fill your days with reality, learning and a little bit of self love and a whole lot of laughter.

Look, I know there are a lot of mommy blogs out there, but as a wife blogger, I am ready to finally embrace my role. I am ready to show you many different ways we wives deal with this whole FOREVER thing.  And, of course my main goal is to  be as wonderful and mediocre as possible, all while showing you The Shitty Housewife ways.


The Shitty Housewife

Jan O


New Year, NewISH Me


I know, I know….another one of those New Year New Me bullshit posts….but not really.  Mainly because, the old me is not that bad at all, so why change?! I’m sure improvement is needed, but isn’t that an issue with everyone? But I don’t need like a full fledge overhaul this go round. I have decided that I am pretty freaking great. So no NEW YEAR NEW ME here. Same old me coming at ya in 2018. But there are many things I want more of. How I choose to change myself and my life to gain more of these things is unknown, but I am willing to try.

2018, I want….

Exponential time with my family. More energy. Weirder sex. Smoother skin. Extra money. Bountiful laughter. Numerous girls trips. Tougher goals. Harder abs. Healthy queso. Numerous outdoor events and an excessive amount of Justin Timberlake.

I want to go to more weddings and hold more babies of people I love. I want to see my husband excel at work. I want my mom to feel the best she has felt in years. I want my kids to make every minute count because childhood goes so fast. I want to spend more time creating the life they deserve. I want to run a half marathon. I want to land the job of my dreams (whatever that may be!) I want to celebrate birthdays and anniversarys and every holiday with a fucking bang and make 2018 a year where I surround myself with love, family and celebrations.

As far as cutting things out of my life…..well fuck that. Life is too short to say no more. Sure, I may cut out some carbs, some beers, and some things that aren’t benefiting me, but to totally say no more….well I am way too good for that. Also, life is intense, carbs and beer can make it easier right?

So new year, newish me is the way I am ringing in 2018. Setting some mediocre goals that I am sure I will kinda live up too. If not, there is always next year!

Happy New Year


The Shitty Housewife



Well, it is official….. I have a degree. I have completed my business program and I am a college graduate.

This is something I never thought I would be able to say.

This is something I never thought I would want to accomplish, but my mind changed, my goals changed and I did it.

It is over.

I am kind of in shock. Not because I did complete it, I always knew I would make this happen once I started the process. I am shocked because it doesn’t seem that long that I began this journey and here I am finished with it.

It was brutal. Nothing fun about being in college while you are a grown up with major adult responsibilities. Doing homework while your kids are playing. Taking tests while your husband is doing something fun. Paying for tuition instead of getting your hair done. Working, parenting, and schooling was by far the hardest thing I have ever done. For 4 years I have carried a guilt about not being a good mom, wife, family member, friend….anything, because I had this huge thing to take care of. Squeezing in discussions, assignments, quizzes any place I could. I have felt bad for not returning phone calls, for missing bedtime stories, for being so fucking mentally exhausted. I have beat myself up for deciding to do this because it has interrupted the lives of my family. And just like that…it is over.

Although it did interrupt so much. We had to push back our wedding because of it. I had to take a final 4 hours after giving birth….NO LIE. I literally took a final in a hospital bed getting skin to skin with Cameron 4 hours after he was born. I had a group project due on my honeymoon. I took a quiz the morning of my wedding. This has been nothing but a HUGE interruption. BUT IT IS OVER.

And now what?? I really have no idea. I want to take this week to enjoy and celebrate. I want to take this feeling, this incredible feeling I have never, ever felt for myself and swim in it for a few days. This feeling of pride that I know others have felt for me, but yet I have NEVER felt for myself. I know I have accomplished so much in life. But this is something so incredibly HUGE for me. I am so freaking proud of ME! The amount of times I thought I could not do this. How impossible it felt. How difficult it was. How demanding it became of an already insanely demanding life…..I DID IT. I pushed, I cried, I stressed, I exhausted myself….I did it.

I am proud. I am happy. I am a badass……I AM A GRADUATE.


The Shitty Housewife

Jan O


What I thought I was….what I actually am

I thought I would be a calm, constantly nurturing mother who never raises her voice…..what I am is a mom who runs out of patie

As I get older I have realized so many things about myself.

I have really began to realize that there is a gigantic difference between what I thought I would be and what I actually am.

I guess the next step is embracing this and moving on. I am who I am, and definitely not who I thought I would be.

I thought I would be a wife who cooks, cleans and really embraces the idea behind being a housewife…..what I am is a wife who relies on her husband for the majority of these things. He cooks, he clean, he house husbands, way more then I housewife.

I thought I would be a PTA mom, who is involved and volunteering at every event help at my kids school….what I am is a working mom. I try to do what I can, but most of the time that means writing a check and missing out.

I thought I would be someone who can go out and remain an excellent friend to everyone while I raise a family…..what I am is someone who wants to call, wants to go out, wants to get every invite, but really can’t wait to sit in silence and watch a television show.

I thought I would be a calm, constantly nurturing mother who never raises her voice…..what I am is a mom who runs out of patience, energy and zen and yells…. A LOT.

I thought I would always eat healthy and organically not just for my family, but for myself as well….what I am is someone who REALLY appreciates a happy meal and LOVES grabbing a Fish Fillet.

I thought I would be making so much more money at this age….what I am is broke. Shit is way more expensive then I could have ever imagined, especially when you have a job where you play with dogs.

I thought I would always LOVE working out….what I am is someone who now forces herself to work out because it is a must, there is no more love involved.

I thought I would always play music very loud…what I am is someone who seeks quiet. It is so rare!!

I thought I would always be someone who was satisfied with their job…what I am is someone who is constantly looking for something new.

I thought I would always feel sexy…..what I am is struggling in this department. I lost my sexy ages ago and don’t know how to get it back.

I thought I would be the woman of a special mans dream….what I am is realizing that to be his dream, I must be my own.

I thought I would be able to change the world….what I am is someone who is still figuring out how to change myself.

I think accepting that I am not what I expected myself to be is a big step. Why we would hold ourselves to expectations of things we haven’t even experienced is crazy….but we all do it. All the time. It is time to let them go. I will be the first to do it. Fingers crossed I can accept the real me, can’t expect anyone else too if I can’t. None of us are perfect. But not being perfect makes us indivduals and strugglers and warriors. Learning to change and still love yourself for who you are is so important. Those changes are not mistakes, they are simply new life adventures. 



The Shitty Housewife

Jan O

Kathryn Hahn and Tom Hanks

I haven’t posted one of these in awhile. And maybe because Hollywood is falling apart at the moment??!!! Like for real, every guy you ever had a crush on is a some sort of creeper. I mean, I guess it really shouldn’t come as a huge shock, but it is awful and creepy as fuck. But today I thought about all the cool people out there. Who are good and normal, and not creepers. And I was inspired to do a Mastubration Monday again.

Tom Hanks… if it comes out that he is a creep, my world will be shattered. Mr. Hanks seems like one of us….who happens to be in every incredible movie ever made. So nice, so down to earth, so normal. And although, I probably won’t masturbate thinking about him, I will always appreciate the nice guy vibe he puts out there. So thank you Tom, for keeping real. Keeping it classy and keeping it NOT creepy.

Now for my current girl crush. Kathryn Hahn….OMG, I fucking love this woman and would do anything to have a mom date with her. She is funny, she is real, she is beautiful and she is super sexy. Of course she is killing it in Bad Moms, but was killing it way before that as well. She is one of those actresses who has been around forever and has gotten better with age. Her smile is contagious and I am so happy to be celebrating her today!

Enjoy your non-creepy Masturbation Monday! I hope you all get some alone time to have a good release today!


Jan O

The Shitty Housewife

Dear Matt,


Dear Matt,
Two years. 24 months. 730 days….we have been husband and wife. Crazy right?! But not crazy at all because I know you are my person for this lifetime and many more.

I know you are my person because you calm me and excite me all at the same time. I know you are my person because you fight me and agree with me. You boost me and humble me. You accept me for all the good and all the bad. You make me wake up and think to myself “how can I be better.”  You make me feel safe. Safe in all the ways I never imagined I would feel safe. You have restored my faith in men. So much I had lost. Maybe because of my own father, and my own poor decisions with boyfriends in the past. But you came in and gave that faith back to me ten fold. You allowed me to believe in myself in ways I never thought possible. Since I met you I have never thought “I can’t do that.” Now, because of how you make me feel about myself, I believe I can accomplish anything. You make parenting, the scariest/roughest/dirtiest job so easy. As a mom I question myself every few minutes. But you walk in and make those doubts and my “mom guilt” disappear.

But most of all, out of all those things, you have nailed the single most important thing a man can do for his wife. You make me feel ridiculously loved…EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And I will go to my grave astonished at how you do this. Since the moment I became your wife, 730 days ago, you have shown me unconditional love, every day. You have taken the role of my husband and excelled at it so much. I always knew that I would be beyond proud to be your wife. But in the past 2 years you have taken your role, as my husband, and showed me you are just as proud. Even on days that we argue, nit pick and bug each other, you always go one step above that and love me for it. It is simply incredible. And the love you make me feel as your wife is something that I grow enormously grateful for every moment we have together.

Thank you for giving all of this to me. I only hope I give just as much back to you in my own way. There is absolutely nothing shitty about our love for each other and I am forever indebted to whatever force brought us together.

Happy Anniversary my love. Till death do us part….


Your Shitty Housewife

Jan O