I am feeling uninspired. I am feeling like social media is bugging me. I am feeling like everything in this world is becoming a battle. A battle I am too tired to fight today. My goal is to get ahead in this blog. Have posts written weeks before they go up so I can edit, improve, make life a little less chaotic. But again, I find myself in a whirlwind of plans, schedules, work, blah, blah, blah. And here I sit, knowing tomorrow is my day to write and I have nothing.
Kristen Wiig and Steve Carrell
I have always believed funny is the sexiest trait a person can have and these two have it. They are hysterical with their acting, their shows and their impressions. But on top of that funny talent, they are both so HOT! Both can hold a lead role in funny or serious movies/shows, both have NAILED SNL and both have proven that they are far more than a few good laughs. Married, a few kids, and still on top. Now this Monday, we can all pretend they are on top of us. So enjoy this special Masturbation Monday. Have a good laugh and a good stoke!
Shittiest Move of the Week
So, since I failed a class this last semester I decided to take the summer off. Get my head right, relax (hahahahahahaha) and just get my bearings on life. But since busy is my only way of survival I have decided that if I was not taking classes, I would instead job hunt. Send out resumes, apply, write cover letters and hopefully interview just so I can get some practice under my belt. My goal with going back to school and getting my degree is to make a better life for my family. To find a stable job with room for growth and benefits. So we can live a bit more comfortably and so all the weight is not on Matt.
Well, I have been sticking to it. I have been researching career options, job titles and companies. One particular company I have my eyes on posted a great job last week and I ponced. This company gets incredible reviews and seems to really take care of their employees. I filled out the application, nailed my cover letter and surprise surprise this week received an email back!!!
I was taken to the next step which was an assessment test. So I went into this test thinking it was just going to be a basic assessment. Man was I wrong. 2 hours and an ungodly amount of stress later I finished. The end of the test had me answering multiple choice math questions while reading fake emails that would only be posted for 15 seconds with information that would eventually pop up in another set of questions. It was the most ridiculous thing ever. Seriously, I spent more time swearing at my computer than learning about the company. And what is this really going to show them? Wouldn’t they rather meet me in person and see how warm, kind and fucking adorable I am rather then see if I can multi-task some bullshit math and remember an email that was posted for 15 seconds????
Anyway, pretty sure I bombed the shit and blew my chance with them. I guess we will wait and see. Until then, I will keep applying and practicing. At some point I won’t fail at one of these tests right???? Happy Friday
XOXO
The Shitty Housewife
Jameson Ruby Red Cranberry
Ingredients
Ocean Spray Ruby Cranberry Juice Blend– I had to steal some from Nick and he was honestly upset when he found out. He’s obsessed
1 1/2 oz Jameson– or any bourbon, but just about all the men on this blog are Irish so good luck getting anything else into this house
1/2 tbsp simple syrup– well I fucked that up in the video!
2 fresh basil leaves– hahhahahhahahaa
Ice
Grapefruit slice garnish– again, hahahahahahaha
HOW TO MAKE THIS RECIPE
- In a cocktail shaker, combine the juice, bourbon, simple syrup and basil. Fill a chilled rocks glass with ice. Add 5 ice cubes to the shaker and shake well. Strain the drink into the ice-filled rocks glass. Garnish with the grapefruit slice.
NOTES
Make simple syrup by boiling equal parts sugar and water. Let cool before using and DO NOT stick your finger in to check if it is still warm because that bitch will burn you!
Top 5 Reasons You Are Officially A Boy Mom
5. When you look at your kid you find yourself thinking… “Are you going to be a dick to date?”
4. You know every superhero character…EVERY FUCKING ONE…
3. Seeing your son tumble down and scrape up his knee does NOT faze you.
2. Snakes, worms, and bugs do not scare you anymore.
1. The penis is no longer only about sex anymore.
Boy Mom
My first son turns 3 in two days. 2 more sleeps as he says. Birthdays with youngsters are always so sweet and so heartbreaking. Even if you aren’t a sentimental, sappy mom…..seeing their age move ahead brings a little bit of sadness with it. But, yep, Kellen turns 3.
If you know me, you know I talk a lot of shit about Kell. He is my tough kid. Since the day he was born he has made life a roller coaster. His labor was HORRIBLE. He spent 8 days in the NICU before we could take him home. From then on, he has just been tough. A human I completely adore….but tough. He has made me question my parenting skills. He has made me question my beauty. He has made me question my strength. And he constantly makes me question my own sanity. He is strong willed, incredibly smart, very emotional and tough. On top of that he is the most gorgeous boy I have ever seen and his handsomeness just increases as his age does.
He will be a heartbreaker. He will be a heartthrob. He already is. When I am anywhere with my kids I am constantly stopped and told how cute they are. Then, every time, without fail, they pinpoint Kellen and tell me how attractive he is. Grown women flirt with him. Girls on the playground stop and stare. His looks are simply amazing…..and he doesn’t even notice.
Raising someone that will one day be man is scary as shit. As a parent, you know there are all these things you want them to accomplish. Education, career, success. But as a mom….HIS mom, all I want is happiness, health, kindness, honesty, loyalty and love. I know being a girl is hard. But becoming a man, a honest man, is just so rare these days, its got to be so tough, right??? I mean, I know some bad guys out there and I wonder what their mom must think. Is she questioning all of her moves in his childhood, like did I create that? How do you take this sweet, whiny, adorable little boy and help him mold himself into a hard working, respectful grown man? How do you teach him how to love unconditionally? How do you teach him to have loyalty to his family no matter what? How do you tell him that sports aren’t the end all be all if you don’t want them to be? How do you teach him not to be a dick to girls?? How do you let them go and brave this cruel, battlefield we call the real world alone?
I guess I have some time to figure it all out. I mean, he is only 3. Well almost. I still have 2 more sleeps with my 2 year old tucked into his Ninja Turtle bed. And I will cherish the next 48 hours with that little tough guy unconditionally.
Matt & Nick
So today we decided to go in a new direction. Shake things up a bit. Instead of posting hot bodies, famous actors or sexy musicians, Nicole and I are presenting our men. Matt and Nick. A couple weeks ago we decided to do a very last minute video. We wanted to ask them what it was really like being with a Shitty Housewife. We gave them many questions and just wanted their honesty…..but in between these questions, we fed them lots of booze, just to make things that much more funny, entertaining and honest. Man did it work!
Matt.
Nick.
Nick is my high school sweetheart and my crazy, red-bearded, other half. He is wild and crazy and will openly admit to hating everyone but can be the biggest softy and is a natural guardian to everyone he meets. He is a great father to our little girl and gets more worried than I do when she bumps her head. Nick is a Guinness kind of guy and will get verrrry chatty when drinking Chardonnay but will be the first one there if you every need anything. As much as he drives me fucking nuts, I wouldn’t trade him for anything. I can’t ever thank him enough for how hard he works for our family. -Nicole
Now- Go watch their video on our Facebook, https://www.facebook.com/plugins/video.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2FTheSh1ttyHousewife%2Fvideos%2F1577018535929063%2F&show_text=0&width=560“>here!
Saturday Salute

Swim Suit Season… because this year I am saying FUCK FEAR and flaunting this mom bod every place I can. HELLO SUMMER.
Suns out Tums out!
Saturday Slam

This week I am slamming something that has been nagging women for decades. Something that is scary, worrisome, dreadful and pretty much all bad words… SWIMSUIT SEASON. Why do we do this to ourselves??? Why do we get so worked over putting on this small article of clothing??? Why do we put ourselves through the prep, the diets and the working out, just to feel a little better in the fitting room. Bathing suit shopping BLOWS.
I don’t care if you are fucking Beyonce, selecting those teeny tiny suits makes you want to vomit. You look in the mirror and dissect every inch of your figure and every donut you have eaten in the last six months.
So fuck you Swim Suit Season. You are a piece of shit who has been trying to make me feel like a piece of shit for decades. No matter how hard I work out, how many broccoli florets I force, when it is your time to shine, I look like a water buffalo.
Shittiest Move of the Week
So this week I thought I would change it up. I have a terrible cold and I just feel physically shitty. So instead of me talking about some lame thing I did this week, I want to hear what you did. I want you guys to make me feel better. Post here on the blog, on our Facebook page or even a comment on Instagram. Seriously, I feel like shit. Make me laugh!!! Tag it with #shittiestmoveoftheweek. Do it!


