BBG Review

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bbg

Welp… I did it. 12 weeks of Kayla Istines Bikini Body Girls. Man, it was not easy and I had many set backs (like hangovers, laziness, overall soreness.) But I did it. And you guys, I really liked it. It was some hard stuff for sure, but it kicked my ass… QUICKLY and I feel the best I have felt since I began having kids. I have worn clothes that I thought I would never fit into again. I feel stronger than I have felt in YEARS! And I actually have gained some of my body image confidence back as well. Even Matt has noticed!!! And although I will not post a selfie of my bare stomach, I will say this… I actually think when I go on vacation in July I might be able to pull off a bikini. But if not, I know as I continue these workouts, I will feel great no matter what.

And there it is… I want to keep going. Kayla round 2 is up next. I am just going to start over from the beginning and add more intense cardio. No big changes in my routine, no crazy new idea. I am just going to continue what I am doing because I feel really good.

And isn’t that the whole point? Look, I am 37 years old and have had 3 kids in 4 years. My body will never be as tight and toned as it used to. I will never weigh that little and I will always have little lines somewhere. BUT THAT IS OKAY! I am proud of those marks. I earned them. This body created, supported and birthed 3 humans… that is the sexiest thing I could ever do. No bikini will ever make me feel that powerful, magical and womanly.

BBG with Kayla is awesome. I am ready to start over. It has improved me in so many ways, but mentally I have improved too. Although body image is something we all struggle with, I do not need to let it run my life. I take 28 minutes 3 days a week and squeeze in some cardio if I can. I has changed my body but it also has made me appreciate my body more as well. I can see small definitions of abs behind the loose skin on my belly. I love both. It shows my strength as  someone who works out and my strength as someone who has had children. Kayla has opened my eyes in a lot of ways. The re-connection with my body, mind and spirit has been so far from shitty!

I will keep you guys update on BBG 2.0. And maybe just maybe a selfie will happen one day. But it will for sure include all of these kiddos who have helped me embrace this new found strength in my strong little muffin top!

Top 7 Reasons I May NOT Be The Shittiest Housewife EVER

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7-Reasons-Not-Shitty
7. There is always beer in our fridge.
Mainly for myself, but still…makes me look like I am keeping it up for him.

6. I always ask him what he wants from the store.
I never remember to buy it, but I still ask. Counts for something right?!
5. I can follow a recipe.
Really well.

4. I put out.
Always.

3. I make him laugh.
I mean a clean house is great and all, but isn’t making someone laugh better????

2. I like his friends. A lot.
Matt’s buddies are my buddies. They are a package deal and I love all parts of his package.

AND THE #1 REASON I AM NOT THAT SHITTY OF A HOUSEWIFE….
I give head… still… after all these years.

Okay!

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635906696490068443-1120390913_strive-for-progress-not-perfection

Lately I have been seeing a lot of trying. People trying to make big moves. People trying to become famous. People trying to be the best. People trying to make themselves so much better that it is exhausting them. It is almost like we have become a society where being okay is NOT okay. Where trying is more like struggling and everyone is a part of the struggle. Where just doing your best, even though it is not THE best is not enough. My question is, when did mediocre become so horrible? When did being in the middle mean you were really the last? When did just getting by become not getting by at all.

 

I built this blog with the idea that being half ass was cool. But just in the housewife department. People may look at things I do and think it is half ass, but it isn’t. I try and I do my best. But I do not strive for perfection. I don’t want to achieve fame and I do not think it is unfulfilling to find myself in the middle. Not first, not last. Just that sweet spot in between. Being in the middle does not mean you are half ass. It just means you are in the fucking middle. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

 

I see things everyday, especially via social media where you can tell people are trying their hardest to make themselves look perfect. Their status updates are nothing but pure happiness and success. Their pictures are all sunshine and rainbows. And maybe their life is actually like that…..but maybe it isn’t. What is so wrong with showing a picture of your pissed off partner. Or of your kid screaming. Or why can’t a status update like “Started my period today…I feel like a sad, fat pig” be cool with everyone.  Again, why is this achievement of perfection so freaking important.

 

I’ve never had any of my blog posts published…..why, because, #1 I have never submitted and #2, because they aren’t that good. They are full of swear words and typos and people don’t want to see that. I have never been rewarded anything special for my scholastics….in fact, I just failed a class. I have never been publicly recognized for anything really….it doesn’t mean I do not put my best foot forward when I am executing something.

 

Here is the thing, I am totally okay with not being perfect. Perfection is tiring and life is exhausting enough. Everyday is filled with struggles and battles. Why not talk about them? Whether it is anxiety, depression, frustration, fuck…a bad lay…..why can’t these things be brought up. Why can’t these things be publicized. Why can’t us working, middle class, go to bed early, using frozen veggies, working out twice a week, network tv watching folks be approved. Why is it that that doing things over the top is what people consider “better.”

 

Why are we teaching this to the next generation. I don’t my my daughter to think she has to be this super skinny, designer wearing, top college going, contoured make-up, duck faced female. And I don’t want my boys thinking they need to play a sport so hard and so much just to get into some top school then work to the grind to make a shitload of money and that is what is considered successful. I want them all to live and experience and fail and pick themselves back up and try again. I want them to fall and bounce back. I want them to be okay with the idea that they are not the best at everything. I want them to know that they are just like me and their dad, shitty at somethings and great at others. I want them to be cool and confident in their middle place if that is where they land. I also want them to know that whether it is first place, second place or last place, we will be proud of them. We will be just stoked that they tried.

I want to bring back trying. I want to bring back honesty. Yeah, I might not adjust my status update to period update, but I will post the good and the bad. Because that puts me right in the middle. Some place we all need to embrace more.

Malin Akerman & Tom Hardy

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Happy Monday….nothing super happy about that right?! Every week starts with this dreaded day and every week we all open out eyes to our alarm clocks and want to shed a tear. Well tear no more people. It is Masturbation Monday and today’s pick are a real doozy. These two hotties have been in a shitload of movies and shows, but you never really hear their names as stand outs. But man, do they stand out….like so much. Both married with kids, they both would be an absolute pleasure to be a shitty housewife for. Today’s picks…

Tom Hardy and Malin Ackerman

She was the pretty, bitchy sister in 27 Dresses and he was was the scary masked (such a shame) monster in The Dark Knight Rises. With many other movie and television shows under their belts they have created quite a name for themselves. And under their belt is exactly where we would like to be…..
Happy Monday. I hope this helps you get through the day. Take some time to yourself, and enjoy these beauties.
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Overnight French Toast

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I wanted to change it up a bit this week and do breakfast. I love a good breakfast, but always fail at it. It is just intense when I wake up to three kids, three dogs and my coffee addiction. WAY TO INTENSE. So I normally throw in some eggos,  or mix some yogurt and cereal. This week I decided I would be a cool mom and have something special! Overnight French Toast. All of the work is done the night before. Literally, in the morning you put it in the oven and that is it. Pretty nice!

INGREDIENTS

Step One- Melt the butter and pour it into a 9 x 13 pan.

Step Two- Line Six pieces of bread in butter coated pan.

Step Three- Feed your fatty

Step Four-Mix cinnamon and brown sugar together and crumble half on bread.

Step Five- Feed yourself. Chips and dip OF COURSE!!!!

Step Six-Top panned bread with remaining 6 pieces of bread.

Step Seven- Mix eggs and mix together and pour in pan with bread.

Step Eight-Wonder why Dinosaur and Hulk are tied up and why #2 is choking #3….is our house really this kinky?

Step Nine- Crumble rest of sugar mixture on top. Cover and put in the fridge.

In the morning, heat the oven to 350 and bake for 30 minutes. Removed cover and bake another 15. That is it!

It was REALLY tasty and the kids approved. It is A LOT of french toast, we barely made a dent. But It will be good to reheat. I got up and put it in the oven before the kids woke up. Nothing would be more annoying than having to wait 45 minutes after they wake to feed them. So make sure you do that. Otherwise, you will end up hungry, cranky, raging kids….or is that just me????

 

Shittiest Move of the Week

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It was Sunday. Mother’s Day. It had been a long day already. My grades had been posted and I made the mistake of looking at them. One Sunday…Mother’s Day. One C. Two B’s. And in Business Statistics…..a a big fat fucking F. Yep, I failed a class. Two semesters away from graduating with my Bachelors in Human Resource Management, and I failed a class.

12 weeks. Hours and hours and hours of studying. So much time away from my family. And $1000….GONE. For good. And now, on top of those things, I have to retake it. Pay again. And since I was cutting graduation and credits so close, my new completion date has been moved back an entire semester. IT BLOWS!!!!!!!!

I freaked. The tears starting flowing as well as the swear words. Poor Matt didn’t know what to do. I have had a lot of set backs and bad news lately, but this took me over the edge. I immediately emailed the teacher, my adviser, fucking everyone who was in charge. Telling them failure was not an option. Pretty much demanding a D. Explaining that I tried and that should be all that matters. I was a disaster. For days. I still am bummed now as I write this. My adviser got back in touch with me explaining the grade and that you do not get points for trying. This is college and you earn your grade through points. I failed and there was nothing anyone could do.

I know I should not beat myself up, but I am. There was countless times I should have been studying instead of doing all the other things that I do. I know I take on so many projects at once, but this is school. It is expensive and I SUCK at math. I should have buckled down more. Once I paid for this class I should have fully committed right there. But I didn’t.

So here I am, having to do this class all over again. Pretty shitty if you ask me! Like I am going to understand this shit the second go round. At least now I know the routine of the class and fingers, toes, legs and boobs crossed I can pull off a D!

Wife explains how she is a Shitty Housewife

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Jenni-Newton

I’ll be the first to admit I’m the mean one in the relationship. I’ve always been blunt and outspoken. Especially to when it comes to what I want in a relationship. But, you know, you apparently can teach an old dog new things, like trust.

I’ve been with my husband for 6 years, married for 1 1/2 & I STILL struggle with trust. I’ve always been cheated on before in previous relationships and so I assumed this one would be no different. But it has been. It took my husband about 5 out of those 6 years to win that trust. I always thought when we weren’t together he must be screwing around. Little did I know I was with the sweetest, most genuine man on the planet. Always doing his very best to cater to my needs.

A couple months ago I lost my job. I got my ass fired. My bluntness and being outspoken bit me in my big ass. At first there was relief because I really couldn’t do the best at the place I was at anymore.

Then the panic set in. The sheer holy-shit-what-have-I-done panic. We were never going to make bills. We were going to have to move in with my mom. Panic. I cried for days. I’ve never been in such a deep depression. So I tried to think of what I could do to help out. OH! I can clean the house and make it beautiful and start fixing things up around here. That’s what I can do to help my husband. I can be the best wife I can be while being unemployed (while working little side jobs for a bit of money and looking like crazy for jobs.)

:Enter shitty housewife here:

Although I help my friend’s mom cleaning houses sometimes (and actually do very well with her!) I, apparently, cannot muster up the motivation to do my own. I can see that the bathroom needs a good scrub but actually going to do it is the worst idea I’ve ever heard of. Ever. How do two people make a bathroom so dusty? And all the hair? Sheesh. (Totally my fault, of course.)

It’s now been 3 1/2 months of unemployment and I’m STILL looking for a job. I never knew it would be this hard! I’m still struggling to keep a clean house. I’m still struggling to keep up my end of the bills. But as a old dog I’ve learned many things in the past few months. Who knew that could happen? I’ve learned that marriage is a team. Yes I knew this going into it but I’ve always thought of it as 50/50. But when your partner doesn’t have their 50, you put in more. My husband has been running on a solid 75/25 for a few months now. Not only does he work all day (too much in my opinion) but then he comes home to help me with the chores I haven’t 100% completed AND then makes dinner. (I knew I married a chef for a reason) All the while keeping my spirits up and thanking me for the measly few chores I did get accomplished. Lord help us when we have children. I’ll really have to start learning to be a better housewife. Until then I’ll work on going from shitty to crappy to fine to decently okay and so on.

Guess I better go tackle that damn bathroom…wish me luck.

Jenni Newton

Top 9 Reasons You Should Have Sex With Your Partner Tonight

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9-Reasons-To-Hve-Sex-Tonight-FL
9. It Counts As a Workout
Face it, you have not worked out much lately…this does count as cardio, and squats….if that’s your thing.
8. You have had a hard day
Take your mind of your hardness and work on his……..
7. Teach those cling on’s a lesson
Look, when you need to get laid, you have to lock those kids, dogs, cats, snakes… whatever the fuck you constantly tend to away. Sometimes it is nice to shut that playroom door and show them who is boss while you get your freak on.
6. Let your inner stripper show her hot face
You work, parent, school, yell, cry, fold laundry ALL THE FREAKING TIME. Forget that for a while and let out that whore you have inside. She needs to be set free sometimes.
5. You can’t sleep
It is bedtime and all is quiet…except your mind. But god forbid you go into the living room or kitchen and you wake up the kids. Stay in bed, wake up your partner and make them exhaust you.
4.Because it will feel good
Well, it should… And if it doesn’t, refer to a previous Ry Guy post on the subject.
3. In the morning you’ll be more relaxed
Statistics show that a romp before bed, chills you out the next day ( but don’t ask me about statistics.)
2.  Because you are bored
Days are long and lame. Life can be so routine and boring. Spice that shit up by doing the nasty. You will no longer be bored when you are trying to please some one!
AND THE #1 REASON YOU SHOULD HAVE SEX WITH YOUR PARTNER TONIGHT….
Because, who else ya gonna bone, right???!!!

Mom Hair

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I have mom hair. I really do. It has gotten bad. I know I have a lot of other “mom” qualities, but this makes me kinda mad. I was a hairstylist, and a decent one for TEN years. I know some tricks, I know some tips…but do I do that shit? NOPE. I let the shit air dry, after a quick bang blow out, or even worse….. pile it on top of my head in a messy bun, which is really a pile of wispy grease.

I just don’t know what to do with this crap anymore. Look, I take the time to throw on some eye make-up. I have gotten much better with making sure I put on a decent outfit, (since I fit into some cute ones again, post babies.) But I just don’t take the time with my hair. And when I do I get so many compliments from my husband, it is borderline pathetic. Not for him, but for me. Like it looks so un-kept so much that when I do take some time, he is floored.

I don’t have a mom attitude. I am still fun, energetic and happy. I don’t have a mom jeans. Mine are still low rise, skinny or boot cut. I don’t have mom sex. We are still weird, experimental and frequent. I just have a serious case of mom hair.

I am at this weird point where I don’t even know what to do. I should not have some super trendy haircut that is going to cost me the equivalent of a car payment to keep up with. I should not have some extravagant color that has new growth in minutes, because I never have any Jan time to get that shit done that often. But I also should not walk around with this hot mess of a do on my head.

Why do we stop taking care of certain things we when start taking care of someone else? Time? Money? Effort? Caring? Maybe all of these things. I try and take of and do a million things every single day. I look at every day as a challenge to accomplish as much as possible, while still being present with my kids and husband. I try things to make our future brighter, even if it means losing out in other areas. The other area have been WAY more than just my hair, but that is what I am focusing on right now. It seems like a much simpler resolve than other things.

But how long can I pull this mop off? How long can this head full of split ends last? I don’t want to chop it….ugh the grow out stage. I can’t afford extensions, although I want them SO bad. I guess I just keep doing what I am doing. Having this mom hair for awhile, with very occasional Saturday night spruce. At least with all three kids in tow most people aren’t looking at my hair. They are looking at my face, like what the fuck is that crazy lady thinking having so many young kids.

Mom hair is not a big deal. But if you are any type of care giver and you have mom anything you catch my drift. Giving up something you used to nail because your time is focused on another creature can catch up to you and make you feel a little less than 100%. Hell, most days when I look in the mirror I feel less than 50%, but I guess when the kids are having a 100% day that is all that matters. That and the fact that messy buns are finally in style is a bonus too.

Blair Underwood and Nina Doberv

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So I normally theme my Monday’s but today, I was feeling extra spicy. I feel like sexiness needs NO theme. Who are to random folks that always looks good and don’t really match up??? (But good lord if they did? ) They should just be featured simply because they are sexy as shit and absolutely BEAUTIFUL……..

Blair Underwood and Nina Doberv.

Both are super popular but never have had that major role. But their beauty needs no major role. And besides being super sexy, they are talented as well. Having roles in great TV shows and movies.

So enjoy these randos as you shake off your Monday blues. The beginning of a new week can suck….these two make it better.