Thursday Thoughts

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Wow, social media has been on fire this week. This world has become such a fucked up place, it is hard to even process things that are really happening. Scrolling through Facebook has become a reel of emotions, rather than a mind numbing past time. This place, the US, has truly become scary. The reality of shit that is happening is fucking mind blowing. Some days I feel like a horrible human for bringing children into it. But then on the other hand, I hope that by the time they are my age, somthing will have changed. I used to live in a world so oblivious to all of this. A world like Dawson’s Creek (minus the insane amount of large words.) Now it is a world of SVU ( minus the hot men.) But here are some facts…

A black man was KILLED for selling cds and carrying a gun ( when over 12 milllion American have a concealed handgun permit) BUT a rich, young , white man was given 6 months (or less) in jail for raping a unconsious girl…fucking bullshit.

Our presidential election has turned into a case of “the lesser of two evils.” OUR PRESIDENTAL RACE. Evil shoudl not be a common word in that sentence. Somehow two people that are believed by so many are wrong for the job are our ONLY options….fucking bullshit.

I can go into a store and purchase a gun and kill someone TODAY, but I have two wait 30 days to have my tubes tied and 48 hours to terminate a pregnancy, whether unwanted or for medical reasons….fucking bullshit.

A teacher who is educating our children…OUR FUTURE, is working so hard to make a difference in lives. Doing any and all they can to fufill our childrens dreams while they struggle to make ends meet. Barely making enough to get by, while some Instagram model is getting paid millions to show off her big fake tits….fucking bullshit.

This shit is getting hard. It is getting scary. It is all too real. I need to take a step back. I am deeply saddened every fucking day by these stories of hate, prejudace and injustice. I am disgusted by the unfairness. I am grossed out by our options.

All I can do is teach my kids the opposite. Teach them that THIS IS BULLSHIT and they need to bust their asses to make some changes. And make you guys laugh. Take you out of this horrible reality we live in and show you the funny side of the reality I live in. Fuck….adulthood. This fucking world. It will make a sane person crazy, right?? Hug your partner, squeeze your babes, snuggle with your fur kid. We all need a little bit more love to survive these days. Love and laughter. So my new mission is to make you feel some love and make you laugh out loud. I can no longer comment and write on the sadness that is out there. My journey is now going the opposite route. I think I will just agree to disagree with many, smile and nod to the opinions that make me cringe and just end everything with a giggle. I will go on pretending the Creek is still in my heart and this world is not as cruel. But I will continue to stand by the fact that when it comes to Dawson’s Creek…Pacey will always be the hot one…not Dawson.

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Top 5…We All Have One

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So Matt and I talk all the time about cheating. Not like on each other, although we have discussed that subject several times. Sadly, we live in a world where sex is shoved in our faces and technology has made sex available to us at any given moment. If him and I were to want to cheat we both easily could. ANYONE can. But what it comes down to is, would we actually do it? I FREAKING HOPE NOT. Life in this perfect house would be ruined and I would spend the rest of my life crying like a little bitch.

Anyway, while talking about hooking up with strangers, the topic of Top 5 has been brought up. Now, let me just fill you in a bit on my husband….he is not tuned in to famous people like I am. He says things like, that hot chick from That 70’s Show or Kristen Fox/Cathy Fox/Samantha Fox (he means Megan Fox.) Where as I am so tuned in it is kinda pathetic. He doesn’t have a clear cut list, but you know I do. 5 men, who if ever approached me, I could have sex with for a night with zero repercussions to my marriage. My list used to changed all the time. As I get older, these men have held their positions….pun intended. So as I was thinking about my list, I was wondering….who is on my readers list???? I will share mine, if you share yours. Here is goes

#5 Paul Rudd…Funny is sexy and this funny mother fucker is more than sexy. I would love to spend a few hours with him while I laugh and climax. He is so freaking hot, I can not stand it.

 

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#4 Paul Banks….Oh more than swoon….For those of you who don’t know who he is, he is the lead singer for the band Interpol. His voice lights my loins on fire. Like I have a lady boner thinking about it right now. Yeah, he may not be a head turner to everyone, but he makes me feel butterflies all over. Interpol_take_paul_600

#3 Henry Cavill….Most of you will know him from Superman. I just know him from being FUCKING HOT. The first time I saw him was in The Tudors, which I hated and watched on mute just so I could see this dreamboat. He is amazing….like beyond amazing.

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#2 Jamie Dornan…I don’t care if all of you hard core Christian Grey fans don’t agree, Jamie is perfection. Yeah, maybe he isn’t the Christian you fantasized about, but he is the Jamie I jerk off too. Jesus, this guy, like could he get any sexier. He used to model, now acts AND has an Irish accent, like come to me Jamie….please.

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#1…Justin Timberlake…”Cause all I need is a moment alone/To give you my tongue/And put you out of control” Really, need I say more??

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Welp, that’s it. The sexy men I am allowed to screw if given the chance. The liklihood of me being in this situation ever is very, very, very low, but hey, it’s a fun conversation. Your turn…..

 

 

Chicken with Mushrooms and Mash

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So as you all know, I like showcasing recipes of things I already have on hand. This week I found some frozen chicken tenders and decided to work with them. We also had my favorite thing to eat, mushrooms and some potatoes. Hence this recipe. Also, I thought my husband was getting off early……….he wasn’t.

Step One…

Bake Chicken on 350 for 25 minutes. Spice up with salt, peppeer and paprika20160629_184157_HDR

Step Two

Cut up and boil potatoes….this picture looks really gross20160629_184208_HDR

Step Three

Get harrassed from the fatty20160629_184211_HDR

Step Four

Sautee the mushrooms with some olive oil, garlic and onions or shallots. Whatever you have one hand.20160629_190055_HDR

Step Five

Mash Potatoes once tender. Add milk and butter until creamy and delicious (again, this looks gross)20160629_192645_HDR

Step Six

Look in the playroom mess again and die a little bit inside (can you spot the pug?)20160629_184216_HDR

Step Seven

Once mushrooms are tender, add some bottle gravy. That shit is easy and fucking tasty.(excuse the mess)20160629_192641_HDR

Step Eight

Have your kids tell you they suddenly hate mushrooms and give them plain chicken with ketcup.20160629_192705_HDR

Step Nine

Put mushroom sauce on top of chicken. Then put it all in a pyrex because you forgot your husband won’t be home for dinner, your kids hate your cooking and you are too tired and irritated to eat.

Matt and I both ate this for lunch the next day and it was good. For frozen tenders and bottle gravy, it hit our spots. Even if it was a day old!

Shittiest Move of the Week

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Happy Friday. Thank god right??!!! This week seemed brutal. Just long, hot and hard (and I am not talking about in a sexy penis type of way.)

My exhaustion has kinda kicked my ass this week. Most of the time I can handle it. We have long days and even longer nights. Someone always wakes me up….like every night. We work our tails off day in and day out and honestly, I do love it (as much as I bitch!) But this week it caught up to me. It happens. Every once in a while I just need extra sleep and will stare at the clock waiting for a semi reasonable time to sneak away. On top of that, we have been extra stressed. A few reasons, all over the board, but there has been some tension. Not between my husband and I,  just tenseness in our life. We try not to complain, but 3 kids, no help, one income, college tuition, dogs, chores….just shit. It can add up and we both get maxed out. This happened. This week.

Well last night Matt wanted some down time. Spent the day exhausting this kids. Cooked a big dinner to fill their bellies. On the way home from work he grabbed some beer. We just wanted to sit and chill and catch up and “reconnect” as lame as that sounds.

It started great, but instead of eating my big dinner, I cleaned, did some school shit and totally just went for the beer. NOT A GOOD IDEA. We got all three kids to bed early and Matt was hoping for a few hours of adult time. BUT what actually happened was I told him I was running to the bathroom and instead went straight to bed. Yep…the whole day of making this happen for us and after 30 minutes I bailed. I just took off my bra and pants and slipped underneath the covers, leaving him on the patio alone to figure out what happened. I heard him come up, calling my name, but in my semi tipsy, sleepy haze, I just rolled over and ignorned him. Being the sweet husband that he is, he left me alone. Didn’t pester, just let me sleep. He did make fun of me in the morning of course. And he did drink all of the beer……

Needless to say, my shittiest move is not drinking that extra cup of coffee and perking up for my husband. He just wanted to chat and I just wanted to sleep. I mean I am still depriving him of sex, I shouldn’t deprive him of conversation too, right? He gets it, but I also get as imporatnt as sleep is, QT with my main squeeze should be my priority. Hopefully I can make it up to him, or maybe just send him to bed bed early one night.

The Timberlake Effect

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So what is the Timberlake Effect???? I am not talking about the urge in your loins we all get when Mr. JT is on our TV. I am not talking about the urge to jump anyone bones when Sexy Back comes on the radio. And I am not talking about how Masturbation Monday turns into Masturbation everyday when he releases some new tunes. I am talk about how if Justin Timberlake wasn’t Justin Timberlake he wouldn’t be AS HOT. I am talk about how someone who is okay can instantly turn FUCKING BANGING when they showcase their personality. I am talking about TALENT and not just looks.

Look if Justin was just some dude in a bar, I would check him out. I would be like, he’s cute and most likely move onto the next semi handsome dude sitting next to him. So how did some dude I would give a quick glance to turn into someone that oozes sex appeal and attractiveness from every pore of his body???

The Timberlake effect is all around us. It is when someone isn’t just good looking. They are decent looking, but funny. Funny and smart. Funny, smart, and witty. Funny, smart, witty and kind. Someone who embodies confidence and drive. Remember when Justin was in NYSYNC??? I wasn’t all about him. I was a fan, but I did not want to mount him. (I liked Lance….not sexually but he was my fav.) Then Justin gained some confidence and dropped his solo album….he got a little hotter. Then he was on SNL and NAILED IT. He suddenly, after being so fucking funny, got a little hotter. As he grew up and grew into his being and did all these amazing things to give back, to make us laugh, to show that he was a normal dude who was not taking shit for granted, he became the hottest fucking thing on this planet. He is the Timberlake effect. Someone normal looking human who loves himself, loves growing and loves making us laugh and dance.

As I get older I have re-evaluated how I look at attractiveness. I remember being at a bar once with the hottest guy I have ever seen in real life. Like every human was checking him out and he was talking to me. I felt like the luckiest chick ever. But after 5 minutes, this dude had zero to say, zero personality and was only confident in his physical appearance….he was pretty much dead on the inside. Did I sleep with him? Yes, but I could not wait to get out of there afterwards. Now that I am older, I would have walked away from that dude after those 5 minutes. Looks don’t really matter anymore….or at least as much.

Yes, you need to be attracted to your partner, but they are going to age. Their physical being is  going to get wrinkles and saggy. Their body is going to change, but their inner core, their spiritual being is going to remain. Their kindness, their laughter, their ability to make you smile, their passion and drive…what is their Timberlake effect. That is what you should be looking for.

Justin is going to get older and his body will change. He may not always be able to move those sweet ass hips and have that swag like he does now. But you can bet your ass he will always be funny. He will always produce things that make us want to dance. He will always want to better our world, so he will always be hot.

Look I am not drop dead gorgeous. I am never the prettiest girl in a crowd or have the biggest boobs or whatever it is your are attracted to. But I embody the Timberlake effect to my husband. He sees me work, focus, parent our children, make him laugh and to him I am a perfect 10 with Double D’s……(well, in his dreams!) Looks fade, bodies change, personality only gets better with age.

Thank you Justin Timberlake for opening my eyes to this. And even though I adore what a cool human you are, I can’t fully discount how that personality has made me swoon for years and made you look even better than I could possibly imagine. You are a king and as we become saggy together, I will always love the effect you have had on me.

Shemar Moore Selma Hayek

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Happy Monday. Another one has approached whether we like it or not. Even though I am a semi- stay at home mom, Monday’s are still tough. My kids get up at the same time every day, they wake you up with countless requests for food, juice and a million other things….Monday’s still seem like the worst. So let’s get our day going with some sexy pictures. I don’t know how many people actually get 5 minutes to rub one out on Mondays, but if you do I know these two people will help. Both are GORGEOUS with bodies to die for. Both are well known for their acting AND their sexiness. They have been in TV, movies and modeled. And they can make any Monday frown turn upside down. Shemar Moore and Selma Haykek.

Working on Weekends

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My job requires weekend work. I don’t mind it….I mean I get paid, but man, all that TGIF hoopla is just lame. I am like come on Tuesday, or as I like to call it Boozeday! Anyway, worked last night and this morning. And no day of rest for me tomorrow either. So I am here slamming everyone who hates their Monday-Friday 9-5. It really does not suck. You get to celebrate with all the other TGIF’ers, while we, weekend workers die a little on the inside.

Shittiest Move of the Week

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Welp, it is Friday again. Time for me to spill my guts about the crappy things I did this week to make my readers feel a bit better about their crappy shit. I feel like the next few weeks I should be able to say my shittiest move is withholding sex from my husband… I mean that is the shittiest. But it has only been a week and the one time we found ourselves getting excited around each other, I found other ways to make him happy… I asked him questions about Star Wars… get your minds outta the gutter ya freaks.

Anyway, this weeks shittiest move is about my kids and my potty mouth. I swear, a lot. I have toned it down since having kids, but I still do it. They know what are adult words and what are kids words. It is a parenting move Matt and I discussed and agreed on. Look, we aren’t the Osborne’s over here, but I curse. I just do. I know some (well  most) parents probably think I am a horrible mom for letting out a ‘shit,’ ‘damn’ or whatever I say in front of my kids, but I do not think saying these certain words and explaining that they are adult words define me as a mom. I never say these words TO them (except for under my breath as I walk away. We all know we have called a toddler a fucker as they went the other direction… we all have!)

So #1 and #2 were in their play room as they do daily. They get along so well and are constantly feeding off of each others imagination. Well, Spiderman and Ariel were in class as Thor taught. I guess Spidey was getting a little unruly because as I am unloading the dishwasher I hear #1 say… “Spiderman, you are being such an asshole.” Oops. I went into the room and asked her what she said. Of course she got embarrassed and I could tell she knew she said an adult word. I asked her why she said it and she says…”Mommy, he wasn’t listening, he was beating up Ariel and not paying attention to the teacher. It was the only word I could think of.” Well girl, you are right. That sounds like a major asshole. Of course I did not say that. I just explained that there are other ways to express her thoughts without using certain words. That when she is older she can use any word she wants, but not now.

So my shittiest move is that not only did my child use a swear word, she used it perfectly. She knows exactly what an asshole is at the age of 4. Smart cookie…
shitty mom.

WHO IS NEXT????

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Guest-Blogger-Wanted

So, have you ever had something to say but no platform to say it???? Well here is your chance. I am looking for guest writers….but guess what?? You don’t have to be a writer. Just a person with an idea, a soapbox, a suggestions, a shitty or not so shitty thought. We welcome any and all people who have something to say. You can write about life, politics, sex, drugs, fuck, you can write about anything!! We don’t discriminate here at The Shitty Housewife and love to hear new thoughts. So come on team, send that shit my way. I will take it!!! Submit your articles to [email protected]

xoxo

The Shitty Housewife

No Sex Till Tubes Tied

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Imagine saying that with the song “No Sleep Till Brooklyn” theme……….. I should Weird Al Yankovic that shit.

Anyway, that is where I am at. I have done a shit load of research. Tubes tied VS vasectomies. Yes, having the man get snipped is quicker, easier and cheaper. But since my husband has super sperm that has surpassed numerous amounts of birth control, I don’t trust a snip. I want that shit tied up. I actually want my entire inside lady parts removed, but that apparently is not an option.

So Matt and I have had extensive conversations on this matter and he has offered to get a vasectomy, but I have heard of too many vasectomy babies (well, 3) and I just can’t. So I began my research on getting my tubes tied. I did a ton. I figured out the exact route I wanted to go and called my doctor to get the ball rolling.

Sadly, because we live in a world where instant gratification is only plausible with men, I was not able to just call and schedule an appointment. This is what I have to do per my insurance…..schedule a counseling appointment. Then after having an in depth conversation and “convincing” my doctor I am ready I must wait 30 days. Then I can go ahead and get my tubes tied. WHAT THE FUCK? Look, this bitch has three toddlers already. I am 37, kinda addicted to having sex with my husband….SHUT HER DOWN!!!! Like, I am ready! I do not want to take anymore pills, buy anymore condoms or god forbid have to pee on any other stick. This ship has sailed. I am ready. Why all the hoops to jump through when this is my body and this is what I want??? Fuck you rules against women! It’s my body and this is what I want to do, why the hell the wait???

So in my rage against the rules, I told Matt that we are not having sex until this process is over. Because I know my luck…during this 30 day waiting period, some shit will happen. Sucks, I know, but I also know he does have super sperm and I do have desperate eggs.

So lots of hj’s, dry humps and other goodies in our future I guess. We aren’t that freaky, but we do enjoy our adult time. I will most likely have more of an issue with this then he will. He does not believe I will make it, but I will. I guarantee it. I will just have to keep extra batteries on hand! But seriously, these rules they have for women and what we can and can’t do with our bodies are ridiculous. Not at all reasonable if you ask me. Especially when a man can get a walk in vasectomy appointment. In all seriousness, that is true but why? We all know we handle stress, pain and recovery much better. Ever see a man with a cold…. functioning??? Lord knows I haven’t.

I will be so glad when this chapter is closed and my fallopian tubes are as well. Wish me and my horniness luck. I will need it.

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