I feel like my salutes keep revolving around death….and today it continues. I can’t say “I” for this loss, because I did not just lose Prince. We all did. A creative icon has passed away and we all are mourning. No, I never met Prince. No I did not know him personally and no, I have never had a conversation with him. BUT he was a huge part of my life, just like he was with so many. So we are all mourning.

So this week, my family and I took a quick trip to Charleston. It should have been more relaxing, but I have been so burnt out between school, work and life in general, my anxiety was rearing it’s ugly head. And on top of that, my 4 year old daughter is going through a “I am not ever going to listen to you again, Mommy” stage. IT SUCKS. The whole trip (2.5 days) she was getting under my skin. Whenever I would ask her to do something, she would not only NOT listen, but just do the complete opposite. I was beyond frustrated and she was completely getting under my skin.

So my husband is like the handiest man in all of the land. I mean for real. He hooks this family and our home up on a daily basis. He always has a task he wants to accomplish to improve the house. Whether it is big or small, he nails it. His hobby is home improvement, and as a wife, there is not much more you can ask for.

In the past he has built us a garage, a deck, a couple patios, a few tables. Like cool shit. He is REALLY good at it. He is currently in the process of redoing our driveway and pouring concrete this weekend (side note, something about the way a New Englander says the word concrete is SO HOT!) He really does it all, and really well.

So we spend a lot of time outside as a family. Front and backyard. Our front yard has a great little patio where we love to sit, hang with the neighbors and watch the kids play. At night though, the light fixture on the front of the house is just the worst. It is blinding and so unappealing. It has been on Matt’s list for awhile now and I am always bitching about it.

Last night I came home and when I got inside Matt asked what I thought. I was like, “What do I think about what?” He told me to go outside and look. I went back out and stood in our front yard. I looked up and down and all around and I had no clue what he was talking about.

“Did you do something to the tree?” I asked.
“Try again.”
“You painted the door?” PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE… I was starting to feel so bad.
“No, Jan…”
I was stumped, I literally had no idea. Everything looked the same.
“I fixed the light finally.” Shit, he did!! He replaced the horrible one with two great ones. The lighting was perfect, the fixtures looked great. I could tell he did some work on them. On top of doing this, he had all three kids with him and I of all people know how difficult it is to get anything accomplished when you have three toddlers on your hands.

I felt so bad. He worked so hard on something I wanted and I didn’t even freaking notice. He didn’t care, but I still felt bad. Husbands and wives are a team ya know, we are suppose to be each others #1 cheerleader…..and here I am, not even noticing what my teammate did…..SHITTY!!!

So as the queen of The Shitties, I decided to share my needs to claim this term. I have compiled a top ten list of everything you need to make it through this weekend…..Shitty Housewife style, of course.

When you are a housewife, weekends tend to blend in with the rest of the days. Meaning, you never really clock out. But the words Saturday and Sunday, give you a little more of an excuse to up your Shitty Duties!! So here it is…

THE TOP TEN ITEMS YOU NEED TO SURVIVE THIS WEEKEND

1. COFFEE- Face it, housewives cannot survive without coffee, daily. It gives us that extra burst of energy and gives us a small ounce of comfort throughout the day while we are getting screamed at by our families. Plus, the shit taste good. Buy a VERY large size….you are gonna need it. 
2. BABYWIPES– Like Franks Hot Sauce…I use this shit on everything. Seriously, how do people survive without them. They are truly lifesavers and not just for Cameron’s bum. They can wipe a fridge, a snotty nose, spilled apple juice or some grown up spillage that can happen during alone time (yep…I went there)
3. A BROKEN WASHING MACHINE- Okay, it’s not broken, just unplugged. But I am The Shitty Housewife and on the weekends, laundry can kiss my ass. So, be like me. Unplug that shit and tell your partner it is broken and you will call the appliance guy on Monday. Then just plug it back in. No harm, no foul, right?!
4. A CONDOM-It is the weekend, which means, you will get laid. Like, it is part of the marriage pact right? But be safe, you don’t want another kid (well maybe you do, but not over here.) And since you are an old married couple, you just need one condom…..
5. FLANNEL PAJAMAS-You got laid. Cute time is done. You did your wifely duties of looking good, then putting out. You can let it go now and be comfortable till Monday. (Seriously, if you do not own a pair, go get them. NOW. LIFE CHANGING!!!!)
6. QUESO-Weekends mean cheat days. Which means queso and as much as you can handle. The entire weekend. EAT IT…….I LOVE YOU CHEESE DIP!!!!!
7. A HIDING SPOT-Look, you are not going to survive a 48 hr stint with the family without a hiding spot. Take a minute and find one. Stash some magazines, queso and a bottle of wine. It is going to make your survival so much more manageable. TRUST ME!
8. BEER-Look, I know you all have been boozing lightly all week, but the weekend is here. It is time to get your party on. Whatever your drink of choice is. Mine, is beer. Miller High Life (classy, I know. ) Just make sure you are stocked and prepared. Drinking and driving is not an option, so have plenty on hand because that store run is not gonna happen after round 3. 
9. BED- After all the parenting, wifing, queso-ing and boozing, you are going to want your bed. And since your quick romp with the hubby didn’t mess up the sheets that badly, this shit is ready for you. Fall into it, wrap up in blankets and get swallowed in pillows. Try to get some rest. YOU FUCKING DESERVE IT!!!
10. A COOL ASS FAMILY- Since it is the weekend and you are being shitty, you better remember that you have the best family ever. They put up with you (and one has sex with you!) so you better be thankful. Like for real. Life would be simply the SHITTIEST without them! 
    

    WELL THAT’S IT FOLKS!

    I HOPE THIS HELPS PREP YOU FOR THE WEEKEND.

    GOOD LUCK AND CHEERS!

So I am about half way through week 4 with Kayla Istines and her workouts. It has not gotten any easier. In fact even when I am repeating weeks, it is STILL hard. Good news is that it is working. Bad news is that I dread it. SOMETIMES. Some days, I really enjoy it. Other days it is like pulling teeth to muscle through those 28 minutes. After the first 7 I am sweating and panting……and not in a sexy way.
Cons- I have committed to a 12 week plan and I just wish I was seeing faster results. Blame it on me being an American who wants, expects and is used to instant gratification. I wish I was noticing things more with my body. I wish my stomach was a little bit more toned then it was 4 weeks ago. Yes, I am sure it is with all the sit ups and ab work I am doing, but I am not SEEING it. Also, and I am not sure why, I am having a hard time making time when working out at home. I can always think of something else to do and put off the workout. At the gym, you are there to workout. Nothing else. At home I have my kids, my dogs, my husband, my school work, my High life, my cheese dip…….
Pros- Her schedule requires two days of cardio a week. I was getting very sick of the treadmill so I started taking some classes at the YMCA. I AM IN LOVE. I am with other people, doing these shitty workouts together. Being yelled at to do it and listening to dance music as it is happening. I used to take classes all the time and since I started up Kayla, I am back. It has be awesome. I actually squeezed in a third on last week…just for fun. WHAT THE FUCK, right??!!!!!
So overall, it is working. My before’s and after’s look no different. But I do feel different and I know that is just as important. I feel stronger, fit and overall healthier. And I am eating better and not by choice, but because after these workouts, I don’t want to blow it. (Last Friday we went for Mexican and I held back a bit on the cheese dip…BY CHOICE…who am I??!!!) Hopefully by 6 weeks my bod will start to look better and I can show you guys some pictures. Until then, I will keep moving along. Fingers crossed my MILF status is happening soon!!!!!

This week has been tough for me and quite frankly I just don’t feel like myself. Or really have much funny inside of me. Someone I really adored passed away on Tuesday. One of my husbands closet friends…Cousin Al. I was going to salute him today, but I guess I am just not there. My brain has not processed this horrible piece of news yet. I am not able to write anything because I feel like it is not real. And probably because I am alone here in Atlanta while my husband is in New York for the services. I am surrounded by three kids and three dogs who do not give a rat’s ass about any sort of grieving process. Every time I start to think of the many ways I can salute this awesome man, I am interrupted for apple juice. And I am so happy I am here to take care of the kids while Matt is there saying his goodbye. My job right now is to be a real housewife. Make sure everything here is going ok while he grieves with his family. Death sucks. I will always question why the only guarantee in life is the hardest one to accept. Especially when it is unexpected or someone too young. So this is all I have for my readers. I’ll get my shit together and be back next week. As for now, I will do as lots of care takers have had to do in the past…sallow that lump in their throat and pour some more juice. And maybe a High Life for myself.