Category: Shitty Housewife
Parenting 101
If this isn’t parenting, I don’t know what is. A chatty, small, bald puppy watching you pee, wearing only one sock because who knows where the hell the other one is, playing with the tube that the bath toys came in, because it’s more fun than the actual bath toys, but hey, it’s better than the bleach bottle or plunger she had before, all while I realize how dirty my floors are and shame myself for letting my child play on them but you just started laundry and that took you a week.
Happy Monday, mother fuckers, and mothers.
Overnight Oatmeal
One of the most slackest parts of my day is breakfast. While my husband makes these yummy elaborate morning meals that everyone in the house swoons over, I am the queen of offering dry cereal, a granola bar or microwaved waffles.
I know…I’m shitty.
Well this week for Fat Kid Friday, I decided to up my game. Since mornings exhaust me I thought I would try overnight crockpot oatmeal. This way, when we all wake up I have a yummy, healthy, fulfilling meal waiting for everyone. And I won’t start the day feeling like the shittiest cook ever.
INGREDIENTS
- 1 cup steel cut oats
- 1-2 cups fresh or frozen blueberries (I used 2 cups frozen)
- 2 cups water
- 2 cups milk
- 2 tablespoons maple syrup
- ¼ teaspoon salt
- 1 teaspoon cinnamon
- 2 teaspoons vanilla
- Optional garnishes: chopped nuts, nut butter, fresh or dried fruit, granola, shredded coconut, honey, additional milk ( I didn’t have any of these, so I just added some brown sugar)
DIRECTIONS
Step One- Pour yourself a bowl of cereal. It is 9 pm and you are making oatmeal. You deserve a yummy snack.
Step Two- Gather ingredients. You know you bought these steel cut oats a long time ago when you were trying to be healthy, but that instant shit is just too easy. Now here is your chance!
Step 3- Get your crock pot
Step 4- Make sure it is plugged in. (remember that time you did not do this step and 4 hours into your crockpotting adventure you had raw meat…..and you had to pick up the dinner tab out that night?)
Step 5- Go look at your family who is all relaxing and chilling out, while you are crockpotting…seriously, WHAT THE FUCK…can today be done already?
Step 6-Pour all of the ingredients into the crockpot and set on low.
Step 7- GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP
Step 8- Wake up and check on crockpot with so much excitement because you are a goddess who made a great breakfast.
Step 9- Offer it to toddlers. Viv (of course) approves. Kellen (of course) hates it and wants a frozen waffle
Step 10- Put some on baby’s highchair plate and watch this human go from adorable to disgusting in minutes.
Step 11- Drink your coffee. Because seriously, that’s all we housewives really care about in the morning. And throw some Baileys in it
This actually was really good. Two out of three kids approved and the hubs liked it too. I have to force feed myself breakfast because I am never that hungry when I wake up. But I had a few spoon fulls and thought it was tasty. I would make it again, but next time I would spray pam on the inside of the pot. It is 5 hours since breakfast right now and I am still scrubbing that piece of shit.
Shittiest Move of the Week
Well here we go again. My Shittiest Housewife move of the week.
Last week I talked about my kid choking. This week, once again, I have a few to choose from, but I am going to choose one that is not about parenting. It is about wife-ing. And surprise, surprise, I had a pretty shitty moment.
My husband and I have a mutual friend who is moving out of the state. We decided to have him over for a quick bite and a few drinks, one last time before he hit the road. We made sure the day was packed full so we would have some tired kids.
It worked.
As the night progressed, they all quickly went to bed leaving just Matt, our guest and myself awake. Well, I decided to take full advantage of this and started drinking some cocktails, rather than the normal beer that I am used too. The drinks were flowing, the laughs were bursting and I was feeling good….and frisky. I started dropping the hints to Matt that tonight we were knockin’ boots (and when I say dropping hints, I was so drunk, I feel like I just straight up shouted that to him mid conversation.) Our friend is used to this behavior and Matt and I who never show PDA moved past our awkwardness of it this particular night. We were feeling good and excited about some adult time later.
We said goodbye to our buddy and the making out quickly begins. In my head, I was being all sexy, but in reality, I was probably just being weird and wasted (you know, normal Jan.)
“I’ll be right back,” I say as I sneak away. Matt is pumped. He goes to the bedroom and I go to our bathroom. The room is spinning. It’s been a long time since I have been like this. I drink, but not like this. Beer is my jam. These cocktails have jacked me up.
Suddenly, I am vomiting like a high school girl at a Dave Matthews concert circa 1999. All sexiness is gone, all cuteness has vanished. He knocks on the bathroom door and asks if I am ok. Of course I am not. I am a hot fucking mess.
I slept on the bathroom floor for awhile that night. No one got laid. And the next day, with the worst hangover I’ve had in many many years, I am even more shittier of a housewife that I am on most regular days.
So there it is. My moment. I want to hear yours!
CONTEST TIME….This week, since my shittiest moment was about sex and adult time, we have decided to give away a $25 gift card to Victoria’s Secret!
So ladies tell us your shittiest moment and then go indulge. And men, tell us your shittiest moment and give that shit to your lady friend (or use it yourself, whatever floats your boat. No judgement here!) Post your moment in the comment section via the website, Facebook or Instagram. Tag a friend to do the same and you are entered! Don’t be scared, we are all friends here and at least yours doesn’t involve drunken vomiting!!!
Wednesday Wife Rant
I want a boob job. I do. Like bad.
And I feel like I deserve one… right now. I know I will get one eventually. Matt and I have already discussed this. He knows that I want the youngest member of my family to be my breasts.
I used to have nice boobs. Nothing big or anything. They were just perfect for my petite body. Nice and plump and perky. Then I got pregnant. Three times in a row. I nursed and pumped those bad boys for 3 different human beings. After all that work, the payoff was watching my cute boobs get smaller and smaller and smaller. And I get sadder and sadder and sadder every time I put on a pre-pregnancy bra.
I feel like after growing a human in my belly, pushing them out of my body and nursing them, I should be rewarded with some nice knockers. But nature works in the complete opposite way. After all that work, our bodies get weird and plumpness moves elsewhere. Look, I am all for a post-partum body and feeling good about yourself. I know I look great after 3 kids. I know my body is a goddess temple..blah, blah, blah… BUT I JUST WANT MY BOOBS BACK.
Matt promises he will arrange help and childcare and financial assistance for this to happen when I am 40. By then the kids won’t be so needy and hopefully my recovery will be quick and easy. It just sucks that I am going to have to pay and recover from something I already had! It’s going to be a long 3 years with my itty bitty titties but I know time goes fast.
Until then, I will stick to my push ups (that are actually too uncomfortable to wear anymore) and continue to stare at other women’s chests. Who cares if they think it’s creepy?! Soon I will be staring at my own and I won’t need them right?! You can stare at them too. I’d appreciate that, actually.
So that’s my rant this week. I want boobs. My boobs. I was not ready to say goodbye to them and I miss them all the time. They were the best, those fun bags.
Until we meet again.
xoxo
Jan The Housewife
My Lovely Baby Bumps
THAT ONE TIME I WASN’T SO SHITTY
So 5 years ago, I was pregnant as FUCK and it was Christmas time. It was my very first Christmas with Matt and I had no idea what to give him. At the same time there was a video going around the web of a “mini Jan” shaking her ass with the most amazing moves a kid has ever had. Matt was OBSESSED! He showed it to everyone because this “mini Jan” was seriously me when I was young. He kept saying over and over again how I cold never shake my ass like that. So thanks to help of some editing friends, and a great doggie audience, I replicated the moves with a 7 month pregnant belly, side by sided that shit and gave it to him on Christmas morning……here it is in all it’s glory!! And didn’t my tits look great??
The Tatummmmmmms
Well here we are again, Monday. Same grill, different cuts of deliciousness.
Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan Tatum
One couple, two different pieces of art. Who has not dreamt of going out clubbing and waking up at the Tatum residence? How should I say, “the butter on their biscuit,” “the fruit in their JAM,” any way you slice it or spread it they are one of the tastiest couples of our time.
This Masturbation Monday, we have served up a small taste of this magical couple, three views of each for you to take a minute, or five, out of your Monday for yourself. Just don’t forget to lock the door!
Now let’s see who did it better…
Nicole Anderson
Our SALUTE- Nicole Anderson!!!
Nicole is my new girl crush. Not only is she FUCKING ADORABLE, she has been my #1 cheerleader since the moment I thought up The Shitty Housewife. I thought Matt was the best “Jan has a weird idea” supporter, but Nicole takes the cake. Nicole is the brain behind this science project I have going. She designed this site, made the logo, and produces the memes. SHE IS THE SHIT!!! She is way too young to be so smart and so life savvy. Nicole has an adorable boyfriend Nick and their baby, Joss, is the cutest little cookie ever. She is a huge pit bull advocate, exclusive breastfeeder (that is SO TOUGH) and sarcastic as shit. All of this equals the one of the most amazing ladies to ever enter my life. She has been great guidance to Ryan and I with The Shitty Housewife. And now she also has become a great friend. I trust her, I admire her and I just kinda love her. I salute you Nicole! You make my heart happy! I know you have shitty qualities but damn girl, you wear them well!
Fuck You Wendy Williams
Our SLAM- Wendy Williams!!!
Fun bags…FUCK YOU!!! Who the fuck are you to tell someone they need to go to their car and breastfeed. You are a mom and you don’t understand??? Look, I know the idea of tits feeding babies is so gross and yucky and disturbing, but why??? It is totally the opposite of any of that! It is the most natural thing a women can do besides go to the fucking bathroom. You even have to try a little when you give birth, but that milk just straight up comes in. Like the body was made to do it. I get not doing it. I get formula feeding. I bought formula today. But I would never criticize anyone for breastfeeding. And who cares if it is in public. Have you ever seen someone flashing you while doing it? Making sexual suggestions while doing it? Deep throating a hot dog while doing it? NO (although, if I did see a women deep throat a hot dog while breasfeeding, I would want to be her friend. She sounds like damn good time. Did you read Ryan’s article about mouth hugs?) So all I am saying is back off. Back off this group of women who are saving money, nurturing their kid and doing what feels right. No one is criticizing you, Wendy, for all that plastic surgery (until now and that’s only because you are a cunt.)
You are a rude woman who got schooled by Sam from “Who’s the Boss.” Suck on this dick.
The Shittiest Housewife’s Shittiest Move of the Week….
So I do shitty things like pretty much all day long. Again, not intentionally, but it’s just me. It is who I am. Great intentions, not so great execution. STORY OF MY LIFE. So I thought each week I would pick my “Shittiest Moment of the Week.” This week was a tough pick …I had a rough one. School started, teething kid, so I have a lot of moments as a housewife I am not too proud of. But this one takes the cake.
So I was having a good morning. Woke up extra early and worked out. Went to work and had the smoothest day in I’ve had there probably ever. Met up with Matt for the good ole kid swap. I was stoked. It was beautiful out, the sun was shining and me and the O’s had the whole day ahead of ourselves. I asked them what they wanted to do and Viv replies…
“I wwweally, wwweally want cheese dip.” Ah, that’s my girl. To Willy’s it is. Of course we get there and it is prime lunch time. The place it swamped. Standing in front of us is two policemen which of course the older O’s are fascinated with. We order our food and find a table. When we are out people are always looking our way. I would like to think they are looking at us thinking “Wow, what a beautiful family.” But I know they are really thinking “Wow, how the fuck does she leave the house with that many small kids?!” We sit down at a booth, right next to the policemen. Surrounded by happy, quiet Willy’s goers. Cameron, my 10 month old baby is eating his beans, minding his own business, happy as a clam (whatever the hell that means) when all the sudden he starts choking. Now remember, I have two older children. I know what to do. I have been in this horrifying situation before and Matt and I learned exactly what to do. But for some reason I froze. LIKE COMPLETELY. I lost all mom skills and just started freaking out. I don’t even know what happened next but the two police officers had my baby and I was just standing there crying. Next an insanely sweet man with a beautiful British accent and his pregnant friend come over.
“Give me the baby” he said. The policeman did just that. Now Cam was coughing and working out this thing that he got a hold of but he was making these awful noises and needed some help. The Brit held him in a funky position, a quick smack on his back with his palm and out pops a slimy chip.
“I am going to slowly raise him upright and give him back to you. You need to calm down because you need to calm him down. He is scared too.” He did just that and I tried as hard as possible to calm down. Within minutes he was back to normal happy Cam. Everyone was staring at me. I COULD NOT pull my shit together. I was a basket case. Of course it didn’t faze the older O’s. Viv was knee did in melted cheese and Kell was just staring at the policemen. Random strangers came over handing me tissues and telling me their own personal shitty mom stories. Even the Willy’s guy came over asked if I wanted more cheese dip. Of fucking course I did. I just had to hand my child off to strangers because in his time of need I blanked. I needed every drop of cheese in that fucking place. I needed to bawl my eyes out like a baby and stuff my face with queso for the rest of my life. Matt called and of course did great job of attempting to make me feel better. The conversation ended with him reassuring me that if I was alone I would have been fine and I would have done what I needed to do to help Cam. He also said that I should sit and cry in my cheese for as long as I needed. (BEST HUSBAND EVER.) Once the police finished their lunch they came over and asked me if I needed any assistance with anything. “Got any Xanax?” maybe not the most appropriate time to make a drug joke, but they laughed awkwardly and left. Then the Brit came over.
“Look, I overheard you on the phone with your husband. The worst part about this situation is not what just happened with your son, it is how badly you are beating yourself up. Your baby is fine. Shit happens” It does. It always fucking does.
Now it is your turn. I want to hear your Shittiest Moment of the Week. I need one/two lines describing your worst move this week. Tag a friend to do the same. Post in the comment section on Facebook, Instagram or The Shitty Housewife site. When you tag a friend and tell us why you are the shithead of the week you are entered to win, a housewife favorite…$20 Target Gift Card! That’s right, whoever was the absolute WORST this week gets to wander the aisles of America’s favorite store….on The Shitty Housewife. Don’t be scared, no judgement here. Hey, I just told everyone I almost killed my kid!
