So as the queen of The Shitties, I decided to share my needs to claim this term. I have compiled a top ten list of everything you need to make it through this weekend…..Shitty Housewife style, of course.
When you are a housewife, weekends tend to blend in with the rest of the days. Meaning, you never really clock out. But the words Saturday and Sunday, give you a little more of an excuse to up your Shitty Duties!! So here it is…
THE TOP TEN ITEMS YOU NEED TO SURVIVE THIS WEEKEND
- COFFEE- Face it, housewives cannot survive without coffee, daily. It gives us that extra burst of energy and gives us a small ounce of comfort throughout the day while we are getting screamed at by our families. Plus, the shit taste good. Buy a VERY large size….you are gonna need it.
- BABYWIPES– Like Franks Hot Sauce…I use this shit on everything. Seriously, how do people survive without them. They are truly lifesavers and not just for Cameron’s bum. They can wipe a fridge, a snotty nose, spilled apple juice or some grown up spillage that can happen during alone time (yep…I went there)
- A BROKEN WASHING MACHINE- Okay, it’s not broken, just unplugged. But I am The Shitty Housewife and on the weekends, laundry can kiss my ass. So, be like me. Unplug that shit and tell your partner it is broken and you will call the appliance guy on Monday. Then just plug it back in. No harm, no foul, right?!
- A CONDOM-It is the weekend, which means, you will get laid. Like, it is part of the marriage pact right? But be safe, you don’t want another kid (well maybe you do, but not over here.) And since you are an old married couple, you just need one condom…..
- FLANNEL PAJAMAS-You got laid. Cute time is done. You did your wifely duties of looking good, then putting out. You can let it go now and be comfortable till Monday. (Seriously, if you do not own a pair, go get them. NOW. LIFE CHANGING!!!!)
- QUESO-Weekends mean cheat days. Which means queso and as much as you can handle. The entire weekend. EAT IT…….I LOVE YOU CHEESE DIP!!!!!
- A HIDING SPOT-Look, you are not going to survive a 48 hr stint with the family without a hiding spot. Take a minute and find one. Stash some magazines, queso and a bottle of wine. It is going to make your survival so much more manageable. TRUST ME!
- BEER-Look, I know you all have been boozing lightly all week, but the weekend is here. It is time to get your party on. Whatever your drink of choice is. Mine, is beer. Miller High Life (classy, I know. ) Just make sure you are stocked and prepared. Drinking and driving is not an option, so have plenty on hand because that store run is not gonna happen after round 3.
- BED- After all the parenting, wifing, queso-ing and boozing, you are going to want your bed. And since your quick romp with the hubby didn’t mess up the sheets that badly, this shit is ready for you. Fall into it, wrap up in blankets and get swallowed in pillows. Try to get some rest. YOU FUCKING DESERVE IT!!!
- A COOL ASS FAMILY- Since it is the weekend and you are being shitty, you better remember that you have the best family ever. They put up with you (and one has sex with you!) so you better be thankful. Like for real. Life would be simply the SHITTIEST without them!
WELL THAT’S IT FOLKS!
I HOPE THIS HELPS PREP YOU FOR THE WEEKEND.
GOOD LUCK AND CHEERS!