So I know every Friday I tell you all my shittiest move of the week. Well, at the end of each month I want to hear your shittiest move. What sent you over the edge to my side…the shitty side?! What pissed you off so badly that you just said fuck it…and did something, welp…kinda shitty. Let it loose, set that secret free, now is the time. Please remember, we here at The Shitty Housewife NEVER judge. We welcome the bad and the ugly…..not really the good. The shittier you are the more likely we will LOVE you. Whoever comments via our Facebook page, Instagram or our blog with their shittiest move of the month wins a $15 Kroger gift card. That is right people…groceries on us! Just because you embraced your inner shitty. So yes, this contest is for the worst. The worst person will be the winner!!!! So come on..tag a friend, comment with your shitty move and you will be entered to win!!!!
So I was asked to be a guest on this awesome Podcast on Valentine’s Day. I was super excited seeing as the host is this amazing women who is an author, registered nurse and founder of The Fatherless Daughter Project (something very close to my heart!) Denna Babel is a saint among souls, and funny as shit, so when she asked if I would come on and talked about The Shitty Housewife, married life, mom life and blog life, I could not say no!
So my 2.5 year old has become the worst sleeper. I mean….SO BAD.
He goes to bed just fine, but wakes up all night, whining that dreaded word….MMMMOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYY.
It has become a problem. I hate going to bed because I know he is going to be waking up whining all night. Maybe some parents would feel bad and coddle him about it, which I have in the past, but he is just a whiney kid. In general. And is in a stage that he is, hmmm, well, how can I put this nicely…HE IS JUST AN ASSHOLE.
So I really look forward to down time. But the past week or so, it is all night. He doesn’t need anything, doesn’t want anything. He is just so used to whining, he does it in his sleep. Well last night he fell out of his bed. Twice.
The first time, I went in to check and helped him back in his bed. There he was, in all his asshole glory. As irritated as I was I went back to bed after a bit. An hour and a half later, the same thing. He is crying a bit more this time but I was done. I went in, helped him back up and did some mommy scolding I am not too proud of. I slammed the door shut and swore bad words under my breath on the way back into bed. Matt, barely alive, whispers, “Everything okay?” My response…
“Yep, just Kellen being an asshole.”
I wake up in the morning and go to work. I get a text from Matt telling me Kellen’s complaining that his arm and neck hurt. He hurt himself falling out of bed. Matt called to doctor to see if he needed to be seen. He didn’t, just needed some pain reliever. I of course felt terrible. Here he was hurt and here I was yelling and frustrated.
He feels better now….but man don’t I feel like an asshole.
Happy Friday people, or as I like to call it, Happy Start to Drink Beer Day!
Another week has past and numerous funny, inappropriate, and shitty things have happened in The Shitty Housewife’s Household. Now once again, I could pick my worst for this week, but I thought I would instead take you down memory lane. Super Bowl memory lane, when I was the Shittiest House Guest EVER!
Last year at this time I was weeks away from giving birth to my third baby. Now I may call myself The Shitty Housewife, but I do also think I am a bad ass. And even though the baby could have been arriving at any minute, I decided to take an 8 hour road trip with Matt, Viv and Kell to visit his sister for her Super Bowl party. You know, because most women travel that far with labor impending….again, I think I am a bad ass.
The trip was going great. I tried my best to keep up. I walked the beaches, I stayed out late with the adults. I pretended that the actual human inside of me was not a big deal. So the day of the Super Bowl, we had a long menu of unhealthy food prepared. I mean, a variety of meats doused in sauce, dips galore, desserts aplenty and of course….CHEESE.
I gorged. Liked took the word gorged to a whole new level. I was actually disgusted with myself at one point, but I was 8 months pregnant, it was the Super Bowl and as everyone else drank and partied, I just sat and ATE.
I stayed up for the whole game and then exhaustion hit. I was full, tired and ready for a great night sleep.
Suddenly at 3 am shooting pains in my abdominal hit hard. I shot out of bed.
“Holy Shit, am I in labor?!” I thought. I waddled out of bed and stood up. It just got worse. I was keeled over. Matt was in the other room sleeping with the kids. Then I realized I was going to vomit….NOW. I ran as fast as my big ol self could to the bathroom and as soon as I opened the door I started puking. I grabbed the trash can and threw up. Crawled my way to the toilet and spent the next 2 hours throwing up all the yummy food I had just spent hours eating.
When I was done, I cleaned up as best as I could in my exhausted, puke aftermath haze. I put the trash can outside the front door and waddled back to bed.
The next morning was a blur. We woke up late and had to rush to get on the road. I knew I looked as awful as I felt because everyone was asking me what was wrong. I just wanted to get in the car, get this long road trip over with, get home and never eat again. About an hour into our drive home I was telling Matt what had happened, when I suddenly realized I never cleaned out the bathroom trashcan. I just left it outside of their front door, puke stained.
I think I cut cheese out of my diet for the next 3 weeks, until Cam made his arrival. This year, Super Bowl will be much different. I will still eat, I will still enjoy the food, but maybe, just maybe I will have a little self control. And I won’t be ordering any wicker trashcans off Amazon…
Here is the deal…I don’t get jealous of much. Like, if a girl checks out my husband, I am proud (he is mine and someone else wants him, why be jealous? Be stoked.) I don’t get jealous if he gets to go out and I am home with the kids. I don’t get jealous that he makes way more money than me. I just don’t get jealous. Except for one thing. One major thing. I get jealous of SLEEP. Like full on, pissed off, fuck you, I hate you jealous.
Since I got pregnant with my first child, my sleep has suffered. So seriously, since 2012, I have not had a good night sleep. Every noise, every baby cry, toddler whine, dog bark, EVERY FUCKING NOISE wakes me up. Matt can sleep through anything. Like, he can wake up, have a full-fledged conversation and not even realize that his sleep was interrupted. While I am over here awake for hours after, wondering when I will get my z’s again.
Earlier this week we had to take a quick road trip out of town for a funeral. Of course my kids are already a train wreck because they are traveling, but even worse, they aren’t sleeping. Like at all. I felt like in a span of 4 days I got about two hours of sleep. And not because I was out partying, but because my kids were being out of control. And who slept through it all? Yep, you guessed it. My husband.
Well, the last morning I had had enough. They woke me up at 5:30 am. After kicking and crying and whining all night, I felt atrocious. I got up and played and got them breakfast and settled them down as much as possible, and Matt slept. My anger increased and rather than just being a rational human, going over to him and waking him up and telling him I was tired and needed help, I decided to just be a bitch. An angry, overtired, crazy bitch.
It was our last day, so I packed everything up and sent it down to be packed in the van.
Except his clothes. (I packed his toiletries just because, fuck you, you are sleeping, you don’t get to feel fresh.) His parents popped by the room to see if we needed help and I talked shit to them about him (I know, BAD!!!) Then I made sure to get the kids out of our room, into an adjoining room and wake him up with only 5 minutes to get ready.
For a funeral.
It was low. He asked why I didn’t wake him up sooner, but I was too angry to even talk to him. And it wasn’t real anger, it was just exhaustion. Pure tiredness won the battle of Cool Jan vs Crazy Jan. I know it could have been worse and I could have been meaner, but this was shitty given the circumstances.
It was a funeral. For his Grandmother. Ouch, I know. Once again, I am the worst.
But don’t fuck with a woman’s sleep. I think his Grandmother would have understood. A tired woman is worse than a scorned woman in my opinion. Lack of sleep will make you insane.
There it is, my worst move this week. Better luck next time I guess!
A quick side note, his grandmother was the epitome of was a perfect housewife, mom, sister, mother should be. What a beautiful women was never stopped learning and loving. She had 9 children, 26 grandchildren and now her great grands are growing all the time. She received her masters when she was 62!!! She never stopped. She raised kids and educated herself and just continued to grow. I feel so lucky to have known her and have her love me. She welcomed me into her amazing family right away and never made me feel weird about having her grandkids out of wedlock. On my wedding day (pictured below) she told me she was proud of me and proud of how happy her grandson was. I hope I continue to do that forever, as shitty as I am.