Shemar Moore Selma Hayek

Happy Monday. Another one has approached whether we like it or not. Even though I am a semi- stay at home mom, Monday’s are still tough. My kids get up at the same time every day, they wake you up with countless requests for food, juice and a million other things….Monday’s still seem like the worst. So let’s get our day going with some sexy pictures. I don’t know how many people actually get 5 minutes to rub one out on Mondays, but if you do I know these two people will help. Both are GORGEOUS with bodies to die for. Both are well known for their acting AND their sexiness. They have been in TV, movies and modeled. And they can make any Monday frown turn upside down. Shemar Moore and Selma Haykek.

Chris Hemsworth & Megan Fox

I sucked last week. Like worst blogger ever award. I was completely spent and utterly absent. My apologies to all of you who were counting on me. But I am The Shitty Housewife, so I am bound to fail. Anyway…

So this week I thought I would hit you hard. Come back with a bang. BLOW YOUR MINDS. And after all of those sexual innuendos, here we go. Masturbation Monday this week is the two hottest pieces of Hollywood ass ever. Chris Hemsworth and Megan Fox.

Megan Fox…

I mean damn girl… could she be any sexier? She fucking oozes it out of every pore. And she is totally married to David from 90210. Now there is nothing more amazing than that. She could be the shittiest housewife ever but it wouldn’t even matter because you know she turns out in between the sheets.

Chris Hemsworth…

I can’t. He is the hottest dad ever and is so damn cute with how he tweets about his dad skills. His wife is the luckiest housewife ever, although she ain’t too shabby herself. She has sex with Thor… lucky bitch. He could hammer me any day.

Well, enjoy. Grab some lotion, some Sade and take a few minutes on me. Happy Masturbation Monday Shitties.


The Shitty Housewife



I did not think talking about hot, sexy, unattainable people was very appropriate today in the wake of the horrible tragedy that struck our world yesterday. In fact, I surprisingly, do not have much to say. At this point there are no words to say. All over the media I see ranks about the President, gun control, terrorists and such. I personally think we are not there yet. A community needs us. To throw as much love, support, comfort, and kindness as we can possibly muster. And that is all we should be doing. Stop yelling. Stop hating. Stop blaming. THINGS MUST CHANGE. LAWS MUST CHANGE. Some may agree. Some, even contributors to this blog will disagree. But they must. But we are not there yet. 50 people died. 50 people went to celebrate, dance, love and enjoy their Saturday evening and were killed. To me it doesn’t matter that they were gay. It doesn’t matter when they were elementary school kids. It doesn’t matter what movie they were seeing. They were us. THEY WERE US. Living their day to day lives, minding their own business. Going to a movie, going to school, going to dance…..and they are gone. The pain of the victims families and friends in unimaginable. The horror of what happened inside of this building. None of that needs to be masked with fighting. The fighting needs to stop. We are one world, one community, one life. Let’s make this stop and start working together. We here at The Shitty Housewife are sending all of our love and support to the victims family and friends. Also, all of our love, as always to the LGBT community. We are one…please remember that.


The Shitty Housewife

Molly Ringwald and Jason Bateman

I thought I would bring back some old shit. And I don’t mean old as in yucky old, I mean old school as in sexy 80’s babies. These two were hot back then and are still hot today. I am talking about the oh so beautiful Molly Ringwald and the always sexy Jason Bateman. Who didn’t own a Tiger Beat with these lookers on the cover. Decades later they are both still on top of their game making movies and shows. They both are beyond talented and at this point will remain in the Hollywood game for another few decades. Let’s all get into our leg warmers and Tiger Beat this Monday with these two.

Kristen Wiig and Steve Carrell

I have always believed funny is the sexiest trait a person can have and these two have it. They are hysterical with their acting, their shows and their impressions. But on top of that funny talent, they are both so HOT! Both can hold a lead role in funny or serious movies/shows, both have NAILED SNL and both have proven that they are far more than a few good laughs. Married, a few kids, and still on top. Now this Monday, we can all pretend they are on top of us. So enjoy this special Masturbation Monday. Have a good laugh and a good stoke!


Matt & Nick

So today we decided to go in a new direction. Shake things up a bit. Instead of posting hot bodies, famous actors or sexy musicians, Nicole and I are presenting our men. Matt and Nick. A couple weeks ago we decided to do a very last minute video. We wanted to ask them what it was really like being with a Shitty Housewife. We gave them many questions and just wanted their honesty…..but in between these questions, we fed them lots of booze, just to make things that much more funny, entertaining and honest. Man did it work!

But first here is a bit about the men who put up with us!
It is hard find words to describe him. I will say this….most people who know him don’t know him like I do. He is a talkative, brutally honest, doesn’t hold back kinda man. He says how he feels and doesn’t mind making things awkward to be heard. He is also beyond respectful, undying loyally and completely hardworking. He is funny, supportive and great between the sheets. I have never had someone be such a cheerleader for everything I do. No matter what. He loves me unconditionally and the same for our children. He does not show fear, (no matter how many times I showed up pregnant.) He embraces “weird” and different. He respects stepping out of comfort zones and he believes loyalty is what rounds a relationship. All of these traits plus the fact that he is adorable make him my pick today and all days for MasturbationMonday! -Jan

Nick is my high school sweetheart and my crazy, red-bearded, other half. He is wild and crazy and will openly admit to hating everyone but can be the biggest softy and is a natural guardian to everyone he meets. He is a great father to our little girl and gets more worried than I do when she bumps her head. Nick is a Guinness kind of guy¬†and will get verrrry chatty when drinking Chardonnay but will be the first one there if you every need anything. As much as he drives me fucking nuts, I wouldn’t trade him for anything. I can’t ever thank him enough for how hard he works for our family. -Nicole


Now- Go watch their video on our Facebook,“>here!


Malin Akerman & Tom Hardy

Happy Monday….nothing super happy about that right?! Every week starts with this dreaded day and every week we all open out eyes to our alarm clocks and want to shed a tear. Well tear no more people. It is Masturbation Monday and today’s pick are a real doozy. These two hotties have been in a shitload of movies and shows, but you never really hear their names as stand outs. But man, do they stand out….like so much. Both married with kids, they both would be an absolute pleasure to be a shitty housewife for. Today’s picks…

Tom Hardy and Malin Ackerman

She was the pretty, bitchy sister in 27 Dresses and he was was the scary masked (such a shame) monster in The Dark Knight Rises. With many other movie and television shows under their belts they have created quite a name for themselves. And under their belt is exactly where we would like to be…..
Happy Monday. I hope this helps you get through the day. Take some time to yourself, and enjoy these beauties.
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Blair Underwood and Nina Doberv

So I normally theme my Monday’s but today, I was feeling extra spicy. I feel like sexiness needs NO theme. Who are to random folks that always looks good and don’t really match up??? (But good lord if they did? ) They should just be featured simply because they are sexy as shit and absolutely BEAUTIFUL……..

Blair Underwood and Nina Doberv.

Both are super popular but never have had that major role. But their beauty needs no major role. And besides being super sexy, they are talented as well. Having roles in great TV shows and movies.

So enjoy these randos as you shake off your Monday blues. The beginning of a new week can suck….these two make it better.

Zac Efron & Selena Gomez

This week I decided to tap into my inner teeny bopper and check out some sexy younger people. I have robbed the cradle a few times in my life and it has always been so fun and adventurous. These two cuties may be younger, but as they start creeping that age chart, their hottest game is just getting stronger and stronger. And maybe it is the whole idea of teaching these younger folks how things work, but I am pretty sure these two already know how to make things work….at least between the sheets. We may not think they are that talented, that smart, that goal setting….but fuck man….they are FINE AS HELL!

Today’s Masturbation Monday goes to Selena Gomez and Zac Efron….


A lot of the time our view of sexy, hot or fuckable is six-pack abs and people who in all reality
could use a cheese burger or two, but think about the person that most of us fall in love with.
They are hot as fuck, at least that’s how I feel about mine. The thing that sets our lovers apart
from the people we see on t.v. is that thy are normal people. Yea they are hot and sexy but most
are not a size 0 and rocking six-pack abs, like all the big fashion magazines shove down our
throats. This week I, Rye Guy, have chosen a few regulation people for us to enjoy a few
moments to ourselves. Enjoy this weeks selection of what the industry calls “plus size” and I call
“attainable ass.” Give them a WARM Shitty Housewife welcome…

two “plus size” models. Size 16 for my lady and a 40 inch waist on my man. That’s as American as it gets, Bon Appetit