Mom Hair

I have mom hair. I really do. It has gotten bad. I know I have a lot of other “mom” qualities, but this makes me kinda mad. I was a hairstylist, and a decent one for TEN years. I know some tricks, I know some tips…but do I do that shit? NOPE. I let the shit air dry, after a quick bang blow out, or even worse….. pile it on top of my head in a messy bun, which is really a pile of wispy grease.

I just don’t know what to do with this crap anymore. Look, I take the time to throw on some eye make-up. I have gotten much better with making sure I put on a decent outfit, (since I fit into some cute ones again, post babies.) But I just don’t take the time with my hair. And when I do I get so many compliments from my husband, it is borderline pathetic. Not for him, but for me. Like it looks so un-kept so much that when I do take some time, he is floored.

I don’t have a mom attitude. I am still fun, energetic and happy. I don’t have a mom jeans. Mine are still low rise, skinny or boot cut. I don’t have mom sex. We are still weird, experimental and frequent. I just have a serious case of mom hair.

I am at this weird point where I don’t even know what to do. I should not have some super trendy haircut that is going to cost me the equivalent of a car payment to keep up with. I should not have some extravagant color that has new growth in minutes, because I never have any Jan time to get that shit done that often. But I also should not walk around with this hot mess of a do on my head.

Why do we stop taking care of certain things we when start taking care of someone else? Time? Money? Effort? Caring? Maybe all of these things. I try and take of and do a million things every single day. I look at every day as a challenge to accomplish as much as possible, while still being present with my kids and husband. I try things to make our future brighter, even if it means losing out in other areas. The other area have been WAY more than just my hair, but that is what I am focusing on right now. It seems like a much simpler resolve than other things.

But how long can I pull this mop off? How long can this head full of split ends last? I don’t want to chop it….ugh the grow out stage. I can’t afford extensions, although I want them SO bad. I guess I just keep doing what I am doing. Having this mom hair for awhile, with very occasional Saturday night spruce. At least with all three kids in tow most people aren’t looking at my hair. They are looking at my face, like what the fuck is that crazy lady thinking having so many young kids.

Mom hair is not a big deal. But if you are any type of care giver and you have mom anything you catch my drift. Giving up something you used to nail because your time is focused on another creature can catch up to you and make you feel a little less than 100%. Hell, most days when I look in the mirror I feel less than 50%, but I guess when the kids are having a 100% day that is all that matters. That and the fact that messy buns are finally in style is a bonus too.



8. You are tired. ALWAYS.
Seriously, a grande used to do me right. Now I can never get my energy up like I used to in my 20’s AND a grande gives me hella shakes!

7. Diet and Exercise are necessary… daily.
I used to be able to go for a run, or eat veggies for one day and feel tight and toned. Now it is an everyday battle. A constant thought. A fucking dedication.

6. Adulting becomes real.
You are getting older. Problems are bigger. Relationships are deeper. Reality is truer. You are creeping up on 40… fast. Things like kids, marriage, divorce, fiances, careers are all bigger roles than bar hopping, getting laid and buying the newest clothing trend. IT CAN SUCK.

I have always been a boozer. In my 20’s and early 30’s I could shake that shit off like a champ. Now it takes me like 3 days to feel normal again.

4. You don’t just use wrinkle cream…you use the entire freaking regimen.
If you have a good one let me know.

3. You look at hashtags like #coachella and feel like… WTF
Seriously, I don’t get the outfits, the head pieces and most of the time, the music. It actually looks more exhausting than fun at this point.

2. When you have sex, you are a pornstar…
Because you have been around the block a few times by this age. Married or not, with 1 person or 1000, you own that shit. And even though you know you will be exhausted in the morning, you don’t give a FUCK!

You woke up this morning and thought, fuck…..I am almost 40.



Some woman has the idea that she feels like females who have decided NOT to have a baby still deserve an extended paid leave. Rather than MAternity leave, she has coined it MEternity. Time that is all hers, where she can revamp, rejuvenate and revitalize her life, while getting paid. A time where she can rest, relax and vacation without fear of losing her job. 12 weeks of ME time, then heading back to work feeling nice and refreshed…..

Here is the thing, all of those things DO NOT happen during a maternity leave. In fact, the many weeks after giving birth are some of the most difficult, painful, and emotional time of a woman’s life. Going through the many hours of painful contractions, then pushing a human being out of your vagina and having your insides completely explode is a fucking cake walk compared to the weeks ahead of you. So if this women thinks that starting her MEternity means taking a deep breath and letting the relaxation begin, she is dead wrong.

Once your maternity leaves begin, your new life as a mom begins as well. Here you are, with a baby. Pregnancy is over and those months and months (for some women years) of waiting for this little bundle is over and he/she has arrived. Now comes the “relaxation” right?!

When maternity leave begins, all the fucking fun begins too. First off, your breasts. Nothing says rejuvenation like having your milk come in. Seriously, I was so relaxed as my breasts swelled to an abnormal size, became rock hard and discolored. Then after the agony of learning how to actually breast feed my child, the fun time of mastitis kicked in and my vacation was in full swing.

Next the real party of exhaustion starts. It took a couple days to greet me, but after having my vagina ripped open, breast engorged and bringing home a human being, tiredness had arrived (and has never really left.) But for real. I hope whoever takes a “MEternity” sets their alarm to go off every two hours. Because that is what happens during maternity leave. EVERY TWO HOURS. It doesn’t matter if it is 2 pm or 2 am, when that baby needs food, you must wake up to nourish it. And that whole ‘you nap while they nap’??? BULLSHIT. During maternity leave, sleep does not exist.

Next up on the refreshing our lives agenda, is the arrival of hormones. Up and down, then back up, then back down. You’ve never been so in love, yet you also feel so lost. This new role of “mom” is so confusing and frustrating. You are suppose to be so happy, but you can’t stop crying. You are so in love, but you just want to scream. You have so many visitors but you just want to be alone. You look at your baby and just want to smile. But all of your hormones are making you worried about if they will get picked on in high school. If they will ever find true love. If this 5 day old will have a good career path. Your partner is trying to help, but they are doing everything wrong and you really just want to claw their eyes out. Oh those hormones. I hope they give injections of those during MEternity.

Maternity leave is full of trial and error. Once you think you have mastered one thing, something new appears. And you are doing this all while trying to heal your own stitches on your lady parts. Every hour your new baby has a surprise for you and it is your job to keep up with it. All you do is care take, nurture and give. And you are doing it…GLADLY. But there is absolutely nothing ME about maternity. Once you become a mom, me goes out the window…for a long time. Me is a shadow that is waiting in the background. A longing you have to feel again, but you can’t. Me is now and forever a you and us. You know you will find your me again, but you certainly will not see her during the beginning stages. And when you do reconnect, it will never feel the same. Me time, as a parent means always having in the back of your head that you are not there with your child. That freedom of me is gone. FOREVER.

Yes, I know, being a mom is the most amazing thing in the world, but this shit is hard. A constant battle. And having been through 3 maternity leaves (of course without pay) I now see moms going through it and feel a twinge of sadness for them. The pain, the body changes, the exhaustion, the loneliness. I see it all and just want to tell them it is all about survival. One day you will sleep again. Your stitches will heal and sex will sound fun. You will be the master mom of your child. Just ride this wave right now and survive.

So go on girl…take your MEternity. And I hope you stay true to the all of these amazing stages of MAternity. I hope it is full of all of these wonderful things new moms go through. And of course, I hope those paychecks roll in while you are doing it. Lord knows that ALWAYS (haha) happens during maternity leave. Get a grip lady. What the fuck kind of woman are you? We are suppose to have each others back, not make us feel bad about tending to our family. But live in your world. Your selfish little world where giving your full self to another helpless being is a complete vacation.



So what’s it like to be a true fangirl? Well, let’s just say I have been one so long, the word “fangirl” didn’t really exists when my journey as one began. I have been called crazy, a psycho, weird, obsessed…..when really, I was just a real fan. If someone is not a true fan of someone, or some band, they will call you those names. If you are a FANGIRL, or FANPERSON, then you agree with me. Words like crazy and obsessed do not describe your feelings toward this superstar. Words like loyal, inspired and devoted make more sense.

I started becoming a fan way back when. My first true fangirl crush was on Debbie Gibson. But this was really just a crush. I was devoted as a child could be. I had her tapes, dressed liked her and wrote her letters through Tiger Beat all the time. I had a small fangirl experience with Bon Jovi… in fact I thought the name Jan Bon Jovi was almost too fitting, but that was short lived. Debbie was really my first and only back then.

Then I took a break. I didn’t become a true fangirl again until many, many years later. I will never forget the moment. I was sitting on my couch, junior year, and watching a new show that was premiering. It was called ‘My So Called Life.” I was into it, it seemed like a decent show. Then suddenly the character Jordan Catalano came on my screen. My heart skipped, my breath stopped and I was instantly in an ultimate state of FANGIRL. Back then Google was not at my fingers tips. And when I had the chance to finally figure out who this beautiful boy was, I was already knee deep in deeply loving him. His name was Jared Leto. He was unknown at the time and had just gotten his first big gig with this show. And from the moment I saw him on my TV screen, I was hooked. My fangirl heart was in a tailspin, trying to find every piece of information about Jared. I bought every magazine, went to every movie, watched every interview. I never missed anything he did. People thought it was so weird, and I was constantly called obsessed. But he moved me. He took me to another place. His beauty was something that was so majestic to me, it fed my heart and my brain something that I had never tasted. As I got older, my love for him remained. He then started a band, which as a fangirl, whether you like the music or not, you will support it, because it is your person. I bought the albums, memorized all the songs, drank anything he was handing out. I spent time on him. Because that is what fangirls do. When I was 24 (yes, he was my main squeeze from junior year of high school until I was 24) his band started touring. HOLY SHIT, I was going to see Jared Leto live. I was going to be in the same room with him. I was going to hear his angelic voice, see his memorizing face, be with him…in person. The first time I met him was a moment I will never forget. It was a Wednesday night. My best friend and I went to the the venue early. The band was doing a meet and greet prior to the show. I waited my turn and there he was. Standing right in front of me. This beautiful creature, who I had been loving, supporting, fantasizing over for so many years. There was so much I wanted to say. So many words that I wanted him to hear. SO many fangirl feelings. But instead I balked. I just stood there and handed him the cd I wanted him to sign. As I passed it to him, he gently grabbed my wrist.
“You have the smallest, cutest wrist I have ever seen.” He said as he flashed me this incredible smile. I couldn’t speak. Couldn’t move. I just stared. My best friend scooted me along and tried to get me to snap from my fangirl haze. Jared Leto not only touched me, but he spoke to me and said something about me was cute. LIFE COMPLETE. It was one of those moments that I replayed over and over and over. It was a moment that I envisioned so differently for so long. It was a moment that was so perfectly imperfect and those are simply the best moments our lives can have.
I went to several shows after that. Always getting there early, always giving my full support, always my 100% attention. A lot of my friends made fun of his music and how lame his band was. I never cared. I was a fan. His fan, which meant whatever he did, I would back. The last show I went to was a devastating fangirl experience. After all of my years making sure I was Jared Leto’s #1 fan, I saw a bad side to him. Which no fan should ever see. We should see the fake smiles, the false devotion back, the silly words that all stars know will make their fans happy. We deserve to hear how cute we are, how they read our blogs, how they saw us paying attention during their show. We should be praised, as fake as it is. We put in our time and fucking deserve it. Even though when we tell our stories and everyone else knows it is fake, we don’t. That is someone we deeply love and they old us whatever. We fucking believe it. Well this particular day Jared was in a bad mood, or place or state or whatever. As a previous fangirl of Jared Leto, I will not tell the details of what he did/said. As far away from this stage of my life I am, I will always have a very small soft spot for him and I do not want to reveal what happened on this day. I don’t want all of my readers to know what an asshole he was, because I of all people know what it is like to have a bad day. Except when I have a bad day, I can just keep to myself. Jared had a bad day, did a small 15 guest acoustic show (I was one of the 15 guests) and had a meltdown. IT WAS BAD. I was devastated and my Jared Leto fangirl died.
Now again, if you have never been a true fangirl, you will not understand this. I am actually always jealous of people who can just be kinda into someone. Whether a actor, or band. Like my husband. He likes a ton of bands, but is never all geeked out over any of them (maybe I do that enough for both of us.) But he would never understand the sense of sadness I had back then when I witness this awful exchange with Jared Leto. My heart was broken. I was so very sad. This person who I had put so much energy, love, support, lust and devotion into turned out to be a huge jerk and I witnessed it firsthand. This wasn’t a rumor or some TMZ article. I witness him doing this and after all of the years of deeply loving him as a fan, I had to stop. Fangirl break up was on the horizon and it was not fun. I threw away all the magazines and cd’s. All the memorabilia I had collected over the many, many years, trashed. I was done.
People still bring up Jared Leto to me. A couple years ago, when he won the Oscar, my Facebook timeline was blown up. I never even saw the movie that he won for. I had cut off all ties with him. I never saw any movie he was in, never went to anymore shows. Hell, I have never even looked him up on social media. As pathetic as this sounds to some, he was a major heartbreak in my life and seeing him after that was just too disappointing. I will say this, I did Youtube his Oscar acceptance speech once and after 10 seconds of gazing at his magical eyes, I had to turn it off. He still got to me… and I can not let that fangirl out with him anymore. She deserves better.
I have since only been hardcore about one person, and as of late, she has been bugging me. And not because she is a jerk, but because she just needs to stop. (I won’t go into this one.) But after Jared, there may not be another for me. He was a pretty huge part of that side of me and after the crush of my fangirl divorce, I just don’t think I could go through it again. Knowing how much time, energy, MONEY was spent on this human, only to see him be a huge dick, well, it was not worth it.
I know I am an old lady now, and being a crazy fan seems weird. But it is a pretty awesome feeling. Whether you are sitting down at the movie theater, or watching them on your TV screen. At a venue getting ready for their show….whatever the case may be. That feeling is like no other. Knowing you and your heart and your fantasies are about to be transformed by this magical person is one of the coolest feelings ever. Some people won’t ever understand it. All that, “you don’t know them personally” bullshit. But you do. They have personally touched you in some way. They have helped mold and transform you. They have given you spirit, life, guidance. They have lifted you up, and made you smile when no one else could. In a small way, they were your own little fangirl, giving you small gifts of things that made you feel really good.
I have smaller versions of my fangirl tucked away for a handful of stars that keep me satisfied. I know those baby fangirls will never be allowed to meet these celebs, just in case they are assholes too (god forbid I ever met Justin Timberlake and he was mean……..I WOULD DIE!!!!) I can’t say my fangirl for Jared is totally dead. She still lives inside of me. I just refuse to let her out. She is a beast and has been through some heartbreak so she can’t go in public. But I will say this, if I ever allowed myself to see his band, or watch a movie or google an interview, she would creep up fast and be proud. She worked hard for many years. She supported when the music was bad. She admired when the movies were lame. She was there when people said Jared who??
So what’s it like to be a true fangirl??  It’s a blast. It’s wild. Its weird and it is hard work….BUT please don’t ask me again……My girl is creeping up hard after this post and trying to YouTube some old Jordan Catalano scenes………I gotta hold her back.

Top 10 Reasons Your Toddler Won’t Sleep Tonight

10. Because they think there are monsters in their room.
Or at least they know you will fall for that line, so they pretend to actually believe in these “monsters.” They probably know it’s all a sham but they know you will stay in their room for a few more minutes if they are scared.

9. They are thirsty.
They need more milk, juice, water, whatever their go to drink is. But they are not really thirsty. They just want you to go fetch one last time. To remind you who really is the boss here.

8. You haven’t finished their story.
But you have, like 1000 times.

7. They forgot to kiss their dad (or mom, or dog, or cat, or bird)
“But how will they know I love them if I don’t kiss them goodnight.” Because they are passed out cold and if you loved them, you would leave their ass alone.

6. They are too hot/cold.

5. Because you gave them dessert.
Welp, you did. Because you wanted the after dinner tantrum to be quick and painless. It’s late. It’s been a long day, you want some quiet and now they are all hopped up on sugar.

4. Because you really want to go to sleep
Never fails, you want it, they don’t want you to have it.

3. They need other pajamas.
Because the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle jammies they have on are suddenly not working for them.

2. They will miss you not being next to them.
Look when my kids tell me this, my heart kinda melts. KINDA!!! It really is sweet to hear, but they are just doing that good ol toddler manipulation. They are just grasping at straws for reasons to stay awake. They know this one buys them some time. SO don’t fall for it.

And the #1 reason your toddler won’t sleep tonight….

A Little Different: A Love Story

I found out I was pregnant for the first time two and a half months after Matt and I started dating. We were having the best time. Flirting, going out all the time, spoiling each other, having a ton of sex and just that wonderful feeling of falling in love.


Well after I peed on the stick, all of that came to a halt… well, not the falling in love part. But the fun “beginning stage” of dating ended. Reality hit hard. I did not move in with him right away but it was discussed. In fact, we had to have MANY serious discussions most brand new couples don’t have to have until dating for years. Finances, insurance, work schedules, thoughts on parenting, to name a few. Things got real crazy, fast. And although I would not change a single thing about our relationship and the progression of it, there are a few things I wish we could have done. And one day we will do these things with each other, we will just do them as an old, bitter, married couple. Not a young, frisky, newly dating couple.


I started thinking about this the other day when we were unloading a new piece of furniture out of Matt’s truck. Our neighbor, a 20 something dude was helping his new girlfriend onto his motorcycle. They were so cute and fresh and just had that new couple glow about them. Matt and I were both just looking at them and I could tell we both remember that feeling. The butterflies, giggling, finding any excuse to touch each other. The newness of a relationship is simply amazing. And I know there is something SO amazing about growing old and having a deep experienced relationship, please don’t get me wrong. But that feeling, when Matt and I first started dating…that feeling for those 2.5 months, the sweetness of those 75 days…, I wish I could have bottled that shit.


Somehow we managed though. We still kept dating (that sounds so funny since I was pregnant with his kid, but that doesn’t mean anything really these days.) But we did. Instead of hooking up at happy hour, we started cooking at his place. Instead of taking nights off from each other to be with friends, we began spending every night at each other’s houses.  Instead of coming up with a vacation plan, we sat down and decided on a birthing plan. Instead of deciding on what restaurant we wanted to eat at, we were deciding on a baby name. Instead of him seeing me puke one time after a night of boozing, he saw me puke multiple times a day and was always there with a glass of water forcing me to rehydrate. Instead of meeting each other’s friends and family after a period of time, I was moving in and meeting everyone with a baby bump.


IT WAS NOT EASY. But at the same time, it was so easy. It worked. I was a mess the first time I was pregnant. It was not a good experience for me at all. But Matt, this almost stranger, this cute boy who I had a crush on for awhile, was there every step of the way trying to make it easier. And yes, we missed out on a lot of new couple things and adventures, but we had our own. Most new couples don’t go to the gyno together. We did. Most new girlfriends don’t go to sleep at 7 pm every single night for weeks on end because of pure exhaustion, but I did. (Matt read a lot of books!) Most new boyfriends don’t have to see their new girlfriend’s hot little body drastically change night after night and go from sexy to unsexy pretty fast….but Matt did (and he did his best to make me feel sexy no matter how much my waist expanded.)  Most first anniversaries of dating aren’t celebrated with a newborn. Ours was. Viv was 3 weeks old one year after we began our adventure.


I know all the things I feel like we “missed” out on will be able to happen one day. We will get to go on a vacation one day (yes, we have never been on a vacation without our kids or without one in my belly…ever.) We will get to take a cooking class, go to fancy restaurants, sleep in on Sundays,  hell maybe even ride a motorcycle together. We will just do it later on in our marriage. When our kids are grown up and self sufficient and sick of hanging out with us! And even though my neighbor and his new GF are all giddy and cute next door, I know that behind the walls of my house lives a love that is deeper and truer than I ever thought imaginable. And that even though they are cute and new, Matt and I are cute and old. And that is more comforting than any giddiness could ever be.



The Shittiest Housewife presents


12. Your husband’s clothes have a slight mildew smell to them.

You always start the laundry in the washing machine BUT often forget to move it to the dryer…for a couple days.


11. You don’t know how to properly load the dishwasher.

Because there really isn’t a right way…right???!!!


10. When you hear women talking about 6 packs, you immediately think of beer, not ab workouts.

Like that one time at the Y… Yeah, that was awkward.


9. You never empty the vacuum bag

or canister or whatever the fuck that thing is.


8. Instead of looking for the matching sock, you throw the one away. It is really just easier that way.

Or we can go with the, “Life is too short to wear matching socks” route.


7. Your husband has only seen lingerie in a strip club or on TV in the last 5 years.

Because I sure as shit ain’t wearing it.


6. You have only cleaned the fridge once. Yet somehow it is always sparkling

Thanks to your non-shitty husband.


5. That one time when the kid puked in his car seat and the hubs brought it inside to be washed. You then forgot to wash it until it was time to leave, so you just grabbed some baby wipes and threw that shit back into the car, only to pass it off to your husband…

Oh come on, I can’t be the only one.


4. You have no idea how to fold clothes.

Can I just say the 1 year old knocked them all over?


3. You stay skinny thanks to your liquid diet…liquid being booze.

Thank you Jesus for Miller High Life.


2. You always ask your partner what they need at the store, but you never actually remember to get those requested items

Matt has now asked me to stop asking, because I never remember.



1.You openly support this blog!

Hey Vacay!

Vacation with kids griswold family vacation

This week I am traveling with the family. A quick 4ish hour trip from home. I thought I would take today to talk about how traveling with a family is so different from traveling with just grownups. I hear people say all the time “You guys should travel more.” Or “I don’t understand why people don’t travel and get away.” Here is the thing, traveling with kids is a BITCH. It really is. Besides having to pack your entire house up, you have to be prepared for the unimaginable AND be prepared for everyone to be in a constant state of unhappiness. It is true. While adults LOVE to travel and adapt, children are the complete opposite. They become complete devils while on vacation… least mine do.

And maybe they aren’t actually devils. We are just in a new environment, that isn’t so kid friendly and I am on high alert of loudness and destruction. Like if you are staying in a hotel you have suddenly become the noise complaint. And even worse, if you are staying at someone’s home that is not normally “kid friendly”…well you are screwed. Your kids will wake everyone up, turn on a smoke detector, break a remote and shatter a vase within 2.7 minutes of your arrival.

Packing for a vacation when you have kids is almost laughable. It does not matter if you are leaving for 15 days or one night, you will have at least 7 suitcases per kid. And you will have to pack everything you own for every fucking scenario. In case it gets hot or cold. Rain or shine. Swimsuits or rain boots. Extra clothes for all occasions (because guarantee, everyone will pee or poop their pants at some point on your trip.) All medications must come with you. Even expired antibiotics that you gave your dog that one time….JUST IN CASE. Pillows, blankets, pack-n-plays, high chairs, booster seats. You own it? You have to bring it. Because what is worse than being unprepared on vacation with kids? Having to buy more kid shit that you know you have at home somewhere.

Then once we have gotten to your destination, sleep comes into play. Sleep is something that will surround your life for years once you have kids. You are always thinking about it, preparing for it and let’s face it, PRAYING for it. Even if you have the best sleeper in the world, as soon as you are on vaca, not sleeping in the normal place, all fucking hell breaks loose. Everyone forgets how and when to sleep. Babies hate their pack-n-play’s suddenly. Toddlers roam the halls at all hours of the night. Like no one gets any sleep. ESPECIALLY YOU. Matt and I don’t argue. Like ever. But after a few days “relaxing” with the kids, we are both so sleep deprived, we basically don’t speak the entire trip home.

So yeah, we should travel more right?! And we will. One day. When the kids are old enough to stay by themselves. Then we will come home to a house full of teenagers who just threw a party, drinking our booze and breaking our shit, but that is a long time from now. Traveling is just different right now. And we would love to do it more, but sometimes the idea of going through all of that sounds way more exhausting than just sticking to our at-home exhausting life.

I guess I should wrap this up. I can hear my children breaking Matt’s cousin’s fish tank as I type! I will try to enjoy myself a bit. And I know that as all of these fun stages of parenting go…this too shall pass. One day when we vacation with them they will won’t even want to speak to us we, will be so uncool in their eyes. They will yell at me as I try to pack for them. And instead of asking, “are we there yet?” every five minutes, they will ask, “are we home yet?”

So next time you want to ask me why I don’t travel more, just stop yourself. Don’t ask and enjoy your uninterrupted non-diaper changing, sleep filled, quiet vacation.



The rule book out there says fucking on the first date will lead you nowhere. If you are a female, you will be considered a slut, a one night stand, or simply, the guy’s new booty call. If you are a guy, you will be considered THE MAN. But overall the general consensus is said that first date booty will lead a relationship in a horrible direction, right?




I had sex with my husband on our very first date. Yep…there it is. Out there. If any of my friends are reading this right now…yes I lied to you and said I waited till date 3, but I didn’t. I did not take your advice and hold out. We went out on our very first date and hours later we were having our very first romp in my bed.


Why didn’t I tell anyone, even my BFF? I feared judgement. I feared the backlash of feeling like a whore. I feared the truth, but I don’t do that shit anymore. Judging and being judged is for the fucking birds and if you don’t like my decisions, so be it.


So back to first date booty. Matt and I had kissed in his car after an amazing date. So I invited him inside my house. When things got a little more hot, I told him I was NOT going to have sex with him, but then when he stopped, I said screw it.  I wanted it. Badly. So I did it. This hot ass boy who I had been lusting over for 5 months was hooking up with me. This man who made my skin feel like it was on fire when he opened his mouth to speak. This guy who gave me way more than butterflies… there were fucking UNICORNS swimming through my insides because of him. I wanted it more than anything and I did not feel bad about it at all. And 5 years later we have three kids, are happily married and still have a very exciting sex life.


You see, these rules we have created in the dating world for all humans, are just silly. I mean, who are we to judge when the appropriate time for two consenting adults to screw is? I was 32, he was 31 (yep, I am robbing the cradle) we both were attracted to each other and we had some serious sexual energy going between us. WHY NOT?! It was fucking awesome (and no I did not get pregnant this night…I promise!!)


In the morning, with a mild hangover haze, we said our goodbyes and I did not feel the least bit weird. I felt good. Happy. Satisfied. Of course phone calls came in and yes, I told my friends we just made out. I felt bad lying, but I also did not want to hear it from anyone. I knew I would see Matt again. And not just because of the good booty.


Him and I were two adults with a lot of good vibes flowing. Sex is an awesome, natural and fun thing and I wanted to experience that with him. Quickly. From the moment I laid eyes on him, months before our date, I wanted to have sex with him. The first time he opened his mouth to speak to me at his job and I heard that hot ass Boston accent, I wanted to rip his clothes off. 5 months of him and I sharing a client through our work, I thought dirty things about him. When we would see each other for 5 minute increments and “work talk” I would walk away so hot and bothered, Masturbation Monday became Masturbation Matt-day. Like for real. I wanted this dude and when the opportunity arose (pun intended) I pounced on that shit! (again, pun totally intended.)


The entire night on our first date, I was thinking about it. Yeah, I was thinking about how cool of a guy he actually was, (which I was not expecting) but I was also wishing the end of the night would come, so we could too…..


I am a strong believer in going for things that you want. Especially as a woman. If you want something, you need to do it. You deserve it!! Whatever it is. A job, an idea, an item, a lay…..fucking get it. Be realistic and be safe, but do it. I wanted to have sex with Matt as soon as I could. And I did and it was the best decision I have ever made.

There is nothing wrong with first date fornication. If you want it, I say go for it. Whether you see each other again or not is not going to depend on sex. If you have sex, hell yeah. If you don’t, hell yeah too. It is whatever you want. But let’s’ stop the judge-y, “you’re a slut if you do” talk. It is just silly.  In my eyes, you are not a slut if you do. You are a fucking go getter and man, I hope you are getting it.

Buncha Bitches


When I found out I was going to enter the world of motherhood, I assumed I would be welcomed with open arms by fellow moms out there. We are all on the same page, raising a child right? But boy was I wrong. I didn’t realize I was entering a new world full of “I am better at this than you” attitudes. A world where putting me down for my decisions as a mother could be so easily stated. A place where judging another mom happened as quickly as newborn diapers needed changing. A place full of MOM BULLIES.

You all know who I am talking about. Mom know it alls. Moms who do no wrong. Moms who feel the need to pick you and your parenting style apart. Moms who are a member of every mom group online, in real life and who know absolutely every fucking child event in your city. And moms who love making you feel bad for the way you are raising your kid.

This really all began when I was pregnant. I HATE PREGNANCY. I love birth, I love being a mom, but my body does horribly when pregnant. My first, I threw up the entire 9 months. It was not a good experience at all. I cried daily and had about a good 3 weeks spread out over the whole pregnancy. The worst part about it was, I felt like I could not talk to any other moms about it. Thank god my husband let me cry on his shoulder because I needed it desperately. Every time I tried to talk to other moms about how awful this experience was and how insanely guilty I felt for feeling that way, I was pretty much told I was an awful human and that I should feel guilty.

After my first was born I did love the ideas and thoughts that were thrown at me. And they literally were thrown at me at every angle. Within weeks, the mom bullying began. It all started with breast-feeding, or in my case, not breast-feeding. Viv and I could not figure that shit out. It was a miserable experience for both of us and she was not gaining weight. Matt and I decided me pumping and bottle feeding and supplementing with formula was the best thing for our family’s survival (I say survival, because when you have a newborn…survival is all you can ask for.) Man, every single fucking time I wiped out a bottle in front of another mom I was shamed. It was so bad, that I would make up excuses for leaving and just fed her in the car. Just so I would not have to hear, “Breast is best.” When I would explain that I was up all through the night pumping away and never resting while she did because I was hooked up to a machine just so I could bottle feed her breast milk, then I would hear, “Bottles aren’t helping bonding.” It was a constant state of worrying about who was watching me while I fed my child.

Matt and I put her in her crib at night at 6 weeks. We heard it again, women telling me at story time that she was going to become insecure and not feel loved because she didn’t have human contact through the night. I would explain that when she woke, I would wake with her and tend to her, but I wanted her to be an independent sleeper…..still some women just scolded. She should be on top of me, next to me, touching me at all times. I would always just explain that every family is different and try to move on, but those bullies love to press. It got to the point where I just didn’t like these mom things.


Then I did the worst thing a mom with a new baby could do…..I GOT PREGNANT. Man, did that shit get worse. “Pregnant, already?” “Was this the plan?” “Why so soon?”

Although it was nobodies business, I still felt the need to justify my reasons for expanding my family so soon. BUT WHY? Why did these women, most of whom I barely knew, care about what was going on in my life and with my kids?

It is crazy to me that people can be so absorbed with someone else. My actions as a mom do not reflect their actions as a mom, so why the fuck do they care? My kids get told no. My kids get sent to their room. My kids watch TV, some days a lot. My kids eat junk food. My kids are safe and happy and that is all that matters. There is no reason to push your views, your ideas, your ways of parenting on mine.

Moms can be the meanest, most judgemental, insecure group of females I have ever encountered…but why? We are all fighting the same battle, so let’s stop picking on each other and tag team this motherhood shit together. That woman you are bullying and degrading is just parenting a little differently than you. But at 8 pm you both want the same thing, bedtime, a break and a breath to yourself. We all want to reflect on our day and think about the positive experience our kid had, not the mean mommy who picked on us.

I think it is about time we all ease up on each other and start supporting a bit more. If you see a mom shaking a bottle of formula, offer to hold the baby while she preps. Don’t glare her down. She is doing her very best. If you see some dirty, tantruming kids, bring them over a lollipop, their mom is trying so hard and needs your help, not your dirty looks. And when some mommy is opening up about a certain parenting style you don’t agree with, just listen to them, be open-minded and save your backlash for later to your husband. Lord knows he is probably used to the bullying too.

Let’s all remember we are all doing the same thing and have the same goal. Daily life is tough enough, parenting is even tougher. Why beat each other up? Let’s all just relax and have fun with this crazy thing of motherhood together. It is some crazy shit and no one else gets what you are going through like another mom.