Then I took a break. I didn’t become a true fangirl again until many, many years later. I will never forget the moment. I was sitting on my couch, junior year, and watching a new show that was premiering. It was called ‘My So Called Life.” I was into it, it seemed like a decent show. Then suddenly the character Jordan Catalano came on my screen. My heart skipped, my breath stopped and I was instantly in an ultimate state of FANGIRL. Back then Google was not at my fingers tips. And when I had the chance to finally figure out who this beautiful boy was, I was already knee deep in deeply loving him. His name was Jared Leto. He was unknown at the time and had just gotten his first big gig with this show. And from the moment I saw him on my TV screen, I was hooked. My fangirl heart was in a tailspin, trying to find every piece of information about Jared. I bought every magazine, went to every movie, watched every interview. I never missed anything he did. People thought it was so weird, and I was constantly called obsessed. But he moved me. He took me to another place. His beauty was something that was so majestic to me, it fed my heart and my brain something that I had never tasted. As I got older, my love for him remained. He then started a band, which as a fangirl, whether you like the music or not, you will support it, because it is your person. I bought the albums, memorized all the songs, drank anything he was handing out. I spent time on him. Because that is what fangirls do. When I was 24 (yes, he was my main squeeze from junior year of high school until I was 24) his band started touring. HOLY SHIT, I was going to see Jared Leto live. I was going to be in the same room with him. I was going to hear his angelic voice, see his memorizing face, be with him…in person. The first time I met him was a moment I will never forget. It was a Wednesday night. My best friend and I went to the the venue early. The band was doing a meet and greet prior to the show. I waited my turn and there he was. Standing right in front of me. This beautiful creature, who I had been loving, supporting, fantasizing over for so many years. There was so much I wanted to say. So many words that I wanted him to hear. SO many fangirl feelings. But instead I balked. I just stood there and handed him the cd I wanted him to sign. As I passed it to him, he gently grabbed my wrist.

“You have the smallest, cutest wrist I have ever seen.” He said as he flashed me this incredible smile. I couldn’t speak. Couldn’t move. I just stared. My best friend scooted me along and tried to get me to snap from my fangirl haze. Jared Leto not only touched me, but he spoke to me and said something about me was cute. LIFE COMPLETE. It was one of those moments that I replayed over and over and over. It was a moment that I envisioned so differently for so long. It was a moment that was so perfectly imperfect and those are simply the best moments our lives can have.

I went to several shows after that. Always getting there early, always giving my full support, always my 100% attention. A lot of my friends made fun of his music and how lame his band was. I never cared. I was a fan. His fan, which meant whatever he did, I would back. The last show I went to was a devastating fangirl experience. After all of my years making sure I was Jared Leto’s #1 fan, I saw a bad side to him. Which no fan should ever see. We should see the fake smiles, the false devotion back, the silly words that all stars know will make their fans happy. We deserve to hear how cute we are, how they read our blogs, how they saw us paying attention during their show. We should be praised, as fake as it is. We put in our time and fucking deserve it. Even though when we tell our stories and everyone else knows it is fake, we don’t. That is someone we deeply love and they old us whatever. We fucking believe it. Well this particular day Jared was in a bad mood, or place or state or whatever. As a previous fangirl of Jared Leto, I will not tell the details of what he did/said. As far away from this stage of my life I am, I will always have a very small soft spot for him and I do not want to reveal what happened on this day. I don’t want all of my readers to know what an asshole he was, because I of all people know what it is like to have a bad day. Except when I have a bad day, I can just keep to myself. Jared had a bad day, did a small 15 guest acoustic show (I was one of the 15 guests) and had a meltdown. IT WAS BAD. I was devastated and my Jared Leto fangirl died.

Now again, if you have never been a true fangirl, you will not understand this. I am actually always jealous of people who can just be kinda into someone. Whether a actor, or band. Like my husband. He likes a ton of bands, but is never all geeked out over any of them (maybe I do that enough for both of us.) But he would never understand the sense of sadness I had back then when I witness this awful exchange with Jared Leto. My heart was broken. I was so very sad. This person who I had put so much energy, love, support, lust and devotion into turned out to be a huge jerk and I witnessed it firsthand. This wasn’t a rumor or some TMZ article. I witness him doing this and after all of the years of deeply loving him as a fan, I had to stop. Fangirl break up was on the horizon and it was not fun. I threw away all the magazines and cd’s. All the memorabilia I had collected over the many, many years, trashed. I was done.

People still bring up Jared Leto to me. A couple years ago, when he won the Oscar, my Facebook timeline was blown up. I never even saw the movie that he won for. I had cut off all ties with him. I never saw any movie he was in, never went to anymore shows. Hell, I have never even looked him up on social media. As pathetic as this sounds to some, he was a major heartbreak in my life and seeing him after that was just too disappointing. I will say this, I did Youtube his Oscar acceptance speech once and after 10 seconds of gazing at his magical eyes, I had to turn it off. He still got to me… and I can not let that fangirl out with him anymore. She deserves better.

I have since only been hardcore about one person, and as of late, she has been bugging me. And not because she is a jerk, but because she just needs to stop. (I won’t go into this one.) But after Jared, there may not be another for me. He was a pretty huge part of that side of me and after the crush of my fangirl divorce, I just don’t think I could go through it again. Knowing how much time, energy, MONEY was spent on this human, only to see him be a huge dick, well, it was not worth it.

I know I am an old lady now, and being a crazy fan seems weird. But it is a pretty awesome feeling. Whether you are sitting down at the movie theater, or watching them on your TV screen. At a venue getting ready for their show….whatever the case may be. That feeling is like no other. Knowing you and your heart and your fantasies are about to be transformed by this magical person is one of the coolest feelings ever. Some people won’t ever understand it. All that, “you don’t know them personally” bullshit. But you do. They have personally touched you in some way. They have helped mold and transform you. They have given you spirit, life, guidance. They have lifted you up, and made you smile when no one else could. In a small way, they were your own little fangirl, giving you small gifts of things that made you feel really good.

I have smaller versions of my fangirl tucked away for a handful of stars that keep me satisfied. I know those baby fangirls will never be allowed to meet these celebs, just in case they are assholes too (god forbid I ever met Justin Timberlake and he was mean……..I WOULD DIE!!!!) I can’t say my fangirl for Jared is totally dead. She still lives inside of me. I just refuse to let her out. She is a beast and has been through some heartbreak so she can’t go in public. But I will say this, if I ever allowed myself to see his band, or watch a movie or google an interview, she would creep up fast and be proud. She worked hard for many years. She supported when the music was bad. She admired when the movies were lame. She was there when people said Jared who??

So what’s it like to be a true fangirl??  It’s a blast. It’s wild. Its weird and it is hard work….BUT please don’t ask me again……My girl is creeping up hard after this post and trying to YouTube some old Jordan Catalano scenes………I gotta hold her back.