P!nk

Carey, you are one seriously lucky man!!!  This woman is a wife, mother and absolutely fucking delicious. Maybe it’s her pink hair or her animal rights activism or just that she has that I don’t give a shit attitude, whatever it is or whatever persona of her you have conjured up in your head, here is a few more reasons to make Pink your masturbation Monday’s object of affection.

David Beckham

When they say, bend it like Beckham, I really hope it means he is going to bend me over his knee and spank me because that man is worth an arm cramp to rub one out. This man makes every fucking hairstyle, every fashion statement and every inch of tattooed skin look fucking godly. His ass belongs in the Louvre plated in gold. If this guy doesn’t do it for you then you must have one hidden in a closet for as long as R Kelly because I have never seen him.

I hope your bullets have fresh batteries and you have extra lotion on hand, because today is a double dose of parental hotness. You heard correct boys and girls, we are checking off the 50-65 age bracket for today’s Masturbation Monday.

So everyone who has a pulse knows who Walter White is. (And if you don’t, well I suggest you stop reading this very moment and sit down with a pack of smokes, 8 tombstone pizzas and binge watch the best show that has ever happened to TV, Breaking Bad.) The leading man, Walt aka Heisenburg, may not be that hot on the show, but god almighty if he isn’t the tallest glass of water off camera.

Look, maybe it is my deep seeded daddy issues, but there is something not only sexy about Bryan Cranston, but so comforting. I grew up without a real father presence and I long for that from Bryan. Seriously, I want him to adopt me and take me to the fair and make me pancakes, you know daddy stuff. CREEPY alert, I also want bang him. I do not want to bang my dad, just Bryan, when he is pretending to be my dad……ok I just made this so weird. Fuck it, just look at the pictures below and have fun. Daddy issues or not, you can not deny this dreamie piece of man.

Bryan has not only done TV, he has accomplished movies, Broadway and will soon be a voice for an animated role this summer. He has been with his wife forever, never has bad publicity and just seems super fucking cool. I love him and one day when he adopts me I promise I will stop lusting after him.

So if you have seen Unfaithful, you have pretty much seen some of the best PG-13 sex scenes that have ever existed. I mean for real, like one of the hottest movies ever and mainly because of Diane Lane. I remember watching her and thinking, wow, that lady is fucking sexy.

She embraces classiness in a way that most Hollywood leading ladies can’t. She has mastered her roles with grace, beauty and EXTREME hotness. She has made males of all ages swell up and continues to do so even as she gets older. I only hope to still look that good and can turn people on when I am her age! Man ol’ man Miss Lane, go on with your hot self.

Is Steve-O a good looking man? Hell no.

Is Steve-O sexy as fuck? Hell yes.

I’m really not sure what it is about the man. Maybe the fact that he’s seriously nuts. Stupid shit we are glad our husbands don’t do becomes hilarious and downright hot when he does them. Don’t ask me why, I really can’t tell you. He’s got his own face tattooed on his back, a fat chick silhouette, and I’m surprised his dick even works after all of the abuse it has received.

But now, he’s clean and sober and still sexy as hell. Because he is now an animal rights activist for factory farmed animals and even did a stint in the pen for his anti-Sea World demonstration.

Oh and he’s dating Kat Von D…

Is Kat Von D a good looking woman? Hell yes.

Is Kat Von D sexy as fuck? Hell yes.

This girl is just the shit. Total girl crush. Besides her killer tattoos, sexy slim body and hair that would make a Disney princess cry, she’s fucking rocking. She is a classically trained pianist, starting when she was 6, a singer, artist, obsessed with Beethoven and has two sphynx cats. She has a vegan makeup line with Sephora and her shoe closet itself is masturbation worthy. 

Welcome to Masturbation Monday. Let’s face it, no one likes this dreaded day of the week. I don’t care who you are or what you do…MONDAYS SUCK! The weekend is over and it is the start of 5 long, lame days until it is time to party again. (Unless you are me and you like a small round of partying mid-week)  Another fact, everyone masturbates. (I mean come on, we all do. If you don’t, well you aren’t growing sexually and if you think your partner isn’t, well you are wrong.)  So we thought we would spice our readers’ Monday’s up by combining two of our favorite pastimes. Hot celebs and masturbating. That is where Masturbation Monday comes in. Each week will be featuring some serious sexiness for ladies and men of all kinds. I don’t care who or what you are into, you will find our Monday’s hot! And fingers crossed you may even find some time in your awful day to sneak away from all of your adult duties to truly ENJOY these photos for your pleasure…wink wink. So here is our first ever #MasturbationMonday.

Mila Kunis.

It like seriously does not get hotter than her. I’m totally not a lesbian, but I would honestly do whatever she asked me to do, in and out of the sheets. I mean everything about her oozes sex appeal. Her dark smokey eyes. Her tight little body. Her always slightly raspy voice…. um excuse me, I am getting all worked up just writing this. And now she is shacked up and has a kid. What a lucky man to have this Housewife serving him dinner?! She could be as shitty as she wanted if she was mine!!

Charlie Hunnam.

There really aren’t words for this man. He is god like. (If god was so fucking sexy every human being in the word was physically attracted to him and want to have sex with him.) For real, there is hot…than there is Charlie. His body, his face, his accent. He has fully embodied how to be classy and gritty at the same time. (I wish he would just go ahead and fully embody me!) Please Charlie, pick a new gig soon so we can all start swooning over and over and over again.