Wow, it has been a hot minute since I wrote one of these! And looking back at the past few months, I have a million shitty stories I could share with you. But yesterday morning, yes 24 hours ago, something happened that was too good not to share.

Here is your warning…..it may be TMI……but what the fuck else is new here, right?

So I woke up incrediby frisky. Like it had been on my brain and I woke up ready to go. Our alarm goes off around 6ish, so it was early, but I did not care. Normally the snooze button is hit several times, but this morning, snoozing was not on my mind. I snuggled up, put my hands in certain areas and Matt woke up ready to play. I was stoked until we heard a quiet cough and realized Kellen, my 3 year old had snuck into our bed at some point in the night and was passed out at my feet. SHIT. I thought the moment was over…..another parenting moment for the books. But my main squeeze was not giving up.

He picked me up….so hot….and walked me to the bathroom. We have a large bathroom and our washer and dryer are in there. He glanced over at the dryer and smiled.

“Oh shit” I thought “We are about to have washer/dryer sex??!!!! THIS IS AWESOME.” You know what I am talking about. When you are newbies and you have sex anywhere and everywhere besides the bed. He throws you on top of the dryer, you’re looking all sexy, things get all heated. IT IS THE BEST! It is weird, it is raw, it is AWESOME…….

But we are married with children, so here is what actually happened. First, after he picked me up out of bed, he had to put me back down and not on the machine quite yet. I have been way behind on laundry, so there were piles of clothes on top of the dryer. We had to quickly put things on the floor.

“Don’t ruin the piles.” Yeah, that is some sexy talk right there.

Once that was over we got back into it. He picked me up again and put me on top of the dryer. As we made out and started to take off some remaining clothes, all I could smell was the mildew scent coming from the washer.

“Fuck, I forgot to move the laundry over.” Yeah, I know how to dirty talk, right?

Things escalated quickly, they had too, kids were starting to wake up. We started going for it…

“We can’t break this thing, I have to have a working dryer. There are too many of us for a broken dryer.” Clearly, my head was in the game. He was 100% tuning me out and 115% thining of Mila Kunis.

Within seconds the kids were banging on the door. We wrapped shit up and went on with our morning routine of screaming kids, flying apple juice and panicked rushing. Right before Matt walked out the door he said in my ear,”That was much sexier in my head. Better luck next time.”  I laughed because he was so right. What was suppose to be this hot, sexy, heat of the moment thing turned into something completely different. But I guess that shit happenes. Should have had a better game face on…..until next time.

xoxo

The Shitty Housewife

Jan O

Well looky, looky……guess who is back!!! Me bitches. The Shittty Housewife herself. In the wrinkled, semi sun burned, dry flesh. I could not be more excited to get back to this amazing place I call my home. Ugh, I have missed you guys and I have missed talking shit!!!!!!!!!!

But my hiatus is OVER and thank freaking god. It was not a decision I wanted to make at all. Just abandoning the blog so quickly for a few months was a hard choice.  But I needed to pull back from something because I decided to take so many classes at school. It was the first time in my entire life that I admitted I bite off more than I could chew. I bite off a large pizza, an entire german chocolate cake, a 15 pound turkey and then another pizza. Like, it sounded like a great idea but damn…TOO MUCH. I played with the idea of leaving my husband and kids to fend for themselves for 14 weeks so I didn’t have to leave the blog world, but, I mean, they are kinda my family and wouldn’t survive without my cleanliness and wit (BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…..like I bring any cleanliness to this team!) So after realizing the family needed me, I couldn’t quit my job and my stupid ass signed up for ALL the classes, leaving this place for a bit was the appropriate choice….I guess. But that shit is over and OH MY GOD, thank you sweet baby Jesus. It was awful.

14 weeks. 5 classes. Like real, 3 credit classes. Not bullshit classes. Day in and day out of assignment after assignment. Projects, quizzes, exams….PRESENTATIONS. Like what the fuck?! I am 38, I don’t need to do a stupid presentation on some fake, made up company with five 18 year olds who are all eager and willing…..gross. 14 weeks of this shit, while working 30 hours a week, raising 3 kids, killin it in the wife department (hehehe) and just living life. All while I am taking these 5 horrible classes. But guess what, if you put your mind to something….you can do it. And I did. Did I get straight A’s? HELL NO! Did I get even one A….NOPE. I got all C’s and one B and I have never been so damn proud of myself.

And it wasn’t about passing these difficult classes that made me proud. It was that I set myself on a nearly impossible mission and was told by a few friends and family that it way too much. And I agreed, daily. But I woke up early, stayed up ate, missed out on phone calls, date nights and loads of other shit because I was on a mission. To take these classes and get through them in the most mediocre way, to cross 15 credits off my list, and I fucking did it.

It doesn’t matter what your mission is really. Whether it is to pass some classes, lose some weight, drink less beer, be more patient….if you really want it, you will get it. You just have to have something inside, even if it is tiny, telling you…. YOU ARE THE SHIT and you can do anything.

Ya see, I do call myself The Shitty Housewife and when it comes to actually being a “housewife” I am very shitty. Like as I sit here and type I can smell my mildew pajama pants I am wearing because I just didn’t feeling like moving laundry along one day and messed up some of our clothes. Shitty, I know. But I counteract that shittiness by constantly making my kids laugh and giving my husband good head. I may be horrible at loading the dishwasher but I am great at playing hide and seek and making Matt the most perfect cup of coffee every morning. The majority of days zero beds are made but every single day I make sure all 4 of my people are tucked in, full bellies, and happy hearts. So yeah, I am The Shitty Housewife, but I as well AM THE SHIT.

This semester I learned so much. And not about the topics I was studying but about myself. I learned I am smart. I learned that I am a great writer. I learned I am an excellent bull shitter. I learned that I can focus with an insane amount of noise around me. I learned that if I have a task I will complete it, no matter how god awful it is. And most importantly, I learned that I am much more capable than I ever knew I could be. We all are if we want something bad enough.

So as you move through your day and think about your goals, whether it is something huge like go back to school as an adult with a full life or just getting through the day without eating a piece of chocolate (your goal, not mine kid) know that you can. You can complain about it as much as you want, because most of the time, shit you want is NOT easy. So bitch and moan and bitch some more. But when you lay your head down at night know you rocked it. Even if your version or rocking it is completely mediocre like mine.

These past 14 weeks I learned more about how fucking awesome I am than any of my 5 classes taught me combined. And trust me, I have done a lot in my life to be proud of, but this was it for me. This was tough and I fucking did it. Through tears, and rage, and exhaustion and more tears, I did it. I finally proved to myself that I AM THE SHIT.

Happy Tuesday….it is good to be back.

Xoxo

The Shitty Housewife

Jan O