Shittiest Move of the Week


Wow, it has been a hot minute since I wrote one of these! And looking back at the past few months, I have a million shitty stories I could share with you. But yesterday morning, yes 24 hours ago, something happened that was too good not to share.

Here is your warning… may be TMI……but what the fuck else is new here, right?

So I woke up incrediby frisky. Like it had been on my brain and I woke up ready to go. Our alarm goes off around 6ish, so it was early, but I did not care. Normally the snooze button is hit several times, but this morning, snoozing was not on my mind. I snuggled up, put my hands in certain areas and Matt woke up ready to play. I was stoked until we heard a quiet cough and realized Kellen, my 3 year old had snuck into our bed at some point in the night and was passed out at my feet. SHIT. I thought the moment was over…..another parenting moment for the books. But my main squeeze was not giving up.

He picked me up….so hot….and walked me to the bathroom. We have a large bathroom and our washer and dryer are in there. He glanced over at the dryer and smiled.

“Oh shit” I thought “We are about to have washer/dryer sex??!!!! THIS IS AWESOME.” You know what I am talking about. When you are newbies and you have sex anywhere and everywhere besides the bed. He throws you on top of the dryer, you’re looking all sexy, things get all heated. IT IS THE BEST! It is weird, it is raw, it is AWESOME…….

But we are married with children, so here is what actually happened. First, after he picked me up out of bed, he had to put me back down and not on the machine quite yet. I have been way behind on laundry, so there were piles of clothes on top of the dryer. We had to quickly put things on the floor.

“Don’t ruin the piles.” Yeah, that is some sexy talk right there.

Once that was over we got back into it. He picked me up again and put me on top of the dryer. As we made out and started to take off some remaining clothes, all I could smell was the mildew scent coming from the washer.

“Fuck, I forgot to move the laundry over.” Yeah, I know how to dirty talk, right?

Things escalated quickly, they had too, kids were starting to wake up. We started going for it…

“We can’t break this thing, I have to have a working dryer. There are too many of us for a broken dryer.” Clearly, my head was in the game. He was 100% tuning me out and 115% thining of Mila Kunis.

Within seconds the kids were banging on the door. We wrapped shit up and went on with our morning routine of screaming kids, flying apple juice and panicked rushing. Right before Matt walked out the door he said in my ear,”That was much sexier in my head. Better luck next time.”  I laughed because he was so right. What was suppose to be this hot, sexy, heat of the moment thing turned into something completely different. But I guess that shit happenes. Should have had a better game face on…..until next time.


The Shitty Housewife

Jan O


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