MASTURBATION MONDAY

Leave a comment

So I thought I would bless our Monday with beauty and talent. Musical talent. And although these two might not be your type on the radio, they certainly should be your type between the sheets. Hot damn, these two…

Fiona Apple and Paul Banks

Both are so freaking hot with their quirky, odd, weird ways. Fiona has been one of my favorite musicians since she rocked our ears with Criminal. Remember that video??? How could we forget. And Paul, the lead singer of Interpol, well let’s just say he has a song I call “my orgasm song.” SO HOT! I have been lucky enough to hear him live and man ol man, he is too much for words.

So enjoy this rock and roll Masturbation Monday, lord knows I will!

Love you Make-up

Leave a comment

makeup-brush-cosmetics-28810938

Man, where would I be without you, make-up. You my friend are an everyday magician. You take my uglies and turn them into something so much less atrocious. You really do. I wake up and look like a exhausted, worn out, pale, freckled disaster and you turn me into a beautiful fairy princess. And honestly, you really don’t turn me into anything, but you make me feel more beautiful and there are not enough thank you’s for that. Your color, your lift, your brightful-ness is probably the only reason I have ever gotten laid. And your ability to cover my wrinkles is the only reason I don’t walk around looking like I feel…half dead. My life would not be where it is today without my cover up, eye liner, shadows, blush and lip gloss. I adore you and owe you a lot. For real, make-up, thank you for everything. All the looks, cat calls, sex and hell probably marriage. Without you, none of these things would exist.

DIY White Chocolate Mocha

2 Comments

In the ongoing effort to save money in our one-income family, I decided to try to cut out my Starbucks. I don’t go every day but an average of at least once a week, which can add up quickly. I looked up a recipe on the beloved place where things go to die, Pinterest, and here we are!

 

DIY White Chocolate Mocha

Step 1  IMG_3825  IMG_3824

I started by trying to find all of the ingredients. Being the basic bitch that I am, I really only drink Starbucks coffee so finding a coffee pot AND coffee from the last decade was a shocker for me. Once I found it, it took me another 15 minutes to figure out how to use it. Once that happened, I made a simple pot of coffee. Blech. Of coure I got coffee grounds everywhere because that’s just the shitty karma that I have been blessed with.

Step 2  IMG_3827

While the coffee was cooking? No. Brewing. Ok start over. While the coffee was brewing, I started to make the creamy chocolatey goodness that makes the drink so delicious. I was told by the recipe to use the “double boiler method so as not to scorch the milk.” Thank fucking Gerard Butler they had a picture because this bitch aint fancy like that. I managed to fashion something up with a pot and a slightly smaller pyrex glass bowl (a hand-me-down. They make me feel adult though.) Then I put way too much water in the big pot and it kept boiling into the little pot and just pissed me off.

Step 3 IMG_3829 IMG_3828

Once the water is boiling, put about half a cup of milk in the bowl. I put more because I only like a splash of coffee in my coffee (again, basic bitch right here.) Also add the white chocolate chips and start stirring while they melt. Or if you are like me, notice only once you get to this point that you have vanilla chips. What the fuck is a vanilla chip? That sucks.

Step 4 IMG_3830 IMG_3832

Once the milky mixture is melted and ready, pour whatever the fuck amount you want into your mug (this is like the only mug I own and was made by my boyfriend’s grandmother many years ago. She was an amazing potter and painter and had some incredible stories.) Fill it the rest of the way with coffee and add Reddi-Whip on top. I don’t typically have Reddi-Whip on hand but my daughter’s birthday party was in February and she had a hot cocoa bar that failed and the date was still good, so….. I used that shit.

IMG_3834

This actually turned out to be a really good drink. I imagine it would have been a whole hell of a lot better with actual white chocolate chips but the vanilla ones just made it creamy and vanilla-y and I actually liked it! And it was relatively simple.

Bottom line, you can save yourself 5 bucks but not the pleasure of being a basic bitch with a green straw. If I am stuck at home, I would totally make this again. And then put it into a Starbucks cup.

 

If you want, follow us on Pinterest so we can follow you back. We have zilch right now but I promise in a few days we will have plenty of ideas for you to save for “later.”

 

Shittiest Move of the Week

1 Comment

 

12829265_10207987559739474_2130471304743474211_oSo this week, my family and I took a quick trip to Charleston. It should have been more relaxing, but I have been so burnt out between school, work and life in general, my anxiety was rearing it’s ugly head. And on top of that, my 4 year old daughter is going through a “I am not ever going to listen to you again, Mommy” stage. IT SUCKS. The whole trip (2.5 days) she was getting under my skin. Whenever I would ask her to do something, she would not only NOT listen, but just do the complete opposite. I was beyond frustrated and she was completely getting under my skin.

It got so bad, that even Matt noticed. He asked me if I was okay. Why I was getting so upset with her, telling me to go lay down I seemed so edgy. Which I tried. Twice. Both times right when I was about to close my eyes and get a minute of rest, she barged in and woke me……didn’t help the case.
So it was our last day and we decided to go kayaking. She requested to ride with me. I thought to myself that this might be a good way for us to, I don’t know, reconnect. She looked so cute and excited, there was no way things could get worse. Within 5 minutes in our adventure she started complaining. Mommy go faster. Mommy we are losing. Mommy you are doing it wrong. And look, I love an adventure, but I was really bad at this one. Kayaking isn’t hard, but I couldn’t find my groove. And plus, having a 4 year old scold you the whole time made it that much more difficult.
She then proceeded to complain about being hungry and tired and thirsty. Then she told me she was bored. I tried my best to keep my cool, but that shit started to make me nuts. Plus I was running our kayak into the fucking marsh every 5 seconds. PLUS, being laughed at by husband. I was losing it. Then she says…
“Mommy, you are bad at this. Lets ask for help.” I freaked. I mean, I wasn’t being mean to her, but I was being all “I don’t need help, I need you to stop yelling at me.” You know, childish mom. Gotta love that classy move.
When the adventure was over, I was spent. There was no re-connection or bonding. Quite the opposite. When I walked to the car in my drenched, soaking wet jeans and put her in her car seat she said “Mommy, I love you.” Which made me feel like a piece of shit, because I was just so irritated with her.
Sometimes I forget that kids are kids. She is going through a stage and I should just get over it. This is going to happen, forever. Maybe I should have just stayed off the kayak. Maybe she did feel unsafe (lord knows for a second I did.) Maybe admitting my shittiest move was wanting to jump out of a kayak that my daughter was in is cleansing me and my bad parenting. Or maybe, just maybe, mommy’s have feelings too and ours can get hurt, especially by a 4 year old, I created.

Vlog 1

1 Comment

Check out our very first vlog! It was definitely a learning experience. Like, Nicole has to learn how to stop her camera from shutting off right at the 12 minute mark. And Ryan has to learn to show up on time. And Jan? Well, Jan is Super Woman.

But we had so much fun filming this. Our amazing spouses took the kids urban exploring, aka breaking into empty houses and we appreciate them giving us that time to have some fun with this. We hope you play along and remember, the word of the day is…

SHITTY

 

 

PLEASE feel free to give us your feedback. We would love to know what you like didn’t like, agree with disagree with. We want to hear from you!!

Hey Vacay!

Leave a comment

Vacation with kids griswold family vacation

This week I am traveling with the family. A quick 4ish hour trip from home. I thought I would take today to talk about how traveling with a family is so different from traveling with just grownups. I hear people say all the time “You guys should travel more.” Or “I don’t understand why people don’t travel and get away.” Here is the thing, traveling with kids is a BITCH. It really is. Besides having to pack your entire house up, you have to be prepared for the unimaginable AND be prepared for everyone to be in a constant state of unhappiness. It is true. While adults LOVE to travel and adapt, children are the complete opposite. They become complete devils while on vacation…..at least mine do.

And maybe they aren’t actually devils. We are just in a new environment, that isn’t so kid friendly and I am on high alert of loudness and destruction. Like if you are staying in a hotel you have suddenly become the noise complaint. And even worse, if you are staying at someone’s home that is not normally “kid friendly”…well you are screwed. Your kids will wake everyone up, turn on a smoke detector, break a remote and shatter a vase within 2.7 minutes of your arrival.

Packing for a vacation when you have kids is almost laughable. It does not matter if you are leaving for 15 days or one night, you will have at least 7 suitcases per kid. And you will have to pack everything you own for every fucking scenario. In case it gets hot or cold. Rain or shine. Swimsuits or rain boots. Extra clothes for all occasions (because guarantee, everyone will pee or poop their pants at some point on your trip.) All medications must come with you. Even expired antibiotics that you gave your dog that one time….JUST IN CASE. Pillows, blankets, pack-n-plays, high chairs, booster seats. You own it? You have to bring it. Because what is worse than being unprepared on vacation with kids? Having to buy more kid shit that you know you have at home somewhere.

Then once we have gotten to your destination, sleep comes into play. Sleep is something that will surround your life for years once you have kids. You are always thinking about it, preparing for it and let’s face it, PRAYING for it. Even if you have the best sleeper in the world, as soon as you are on vaca, not sleeping in the normal place, all fucking hell breaks loose. Everyone forgets how and when to sleep. Babies hate their pack-n-play’s suddenly. Toddlers roam the halls at all hours of the night. Like no one gets any sleep. ESPECIALLY YOU. Matt and I don’t argue. Like ever. But after a few days “relaxing” with the kids, we are both so sleep deprived, we basically don’t speak the entire trip home.

So yeah, we should travel more right?! And we will. One day. When the kids are old enough to stay by themselves. Then we will come home to a house full of teenagers who just threw a party, drinking our booze and breaking our shit, but that is a long time from now. Traveling is just different right now. And we would love to do it more, but sometimes the idea of going through all of that sounds way more exhausting than just sticking to our at-home exhausting life.

I guess I should wrap this up. I can hear my children breaking Matt’s cousin’s fish tank as I type! I will try to enjoy myself a bit. And I know that as all of these fun stages of parenting go…this too shall pass. One day when we vacation with them they will won’t even want to speak to us we, will be so uncool in their eyes. They will yell at me as I try to pack for them. And instead of asking, “are we there yet?” every five minutes, they will ask, “are we home yet?”

So next time you want to ask me why I don’t travel more, just stop yourself. Don’t ask and enjoy your uninterrupted non-diaper changing, sleep filled, quiet vacation.

Adam Levine & Ruby Rose

Leave a comment
Another Monday is here. Hopefully we all got out some sexual energy this weekend, but if ya didn’t here is a pair of sexy ass people to help you with your release today.
This is not a couple, but it is a hot duo. I am in love with body art aka tattoos. I do not have many myself (just three small ones) but I think they are hot as shit on men and women. So today’s Masturbation Monday is all about fine people with finer tattoos…

Adam Levine and Ruby Rose

Both musically inclined, decent actors, gorgeous as shit and all tatted up. Look, I may not be the biggest fan of Adam’s music, but I am a fan of looking at his body. And Ruby…come on. Where the fuck did she come from??? She is so sexy it is INSANE!!!!! So enjoy yourself. Enjoy these pics and tug on…..lord knows, laid this weekend or not, I will.

Shittiest Move of the Week

Leave a comment

10393804_10206550950145132_8326107594179808992_nSo my husband is like the handiest man in all of the land. I mean for real. He hooks this family and our home up on a daily basis. He always has a task he wants to accomplish to improve the house. Whether it is big or small, he nails it. His hobby is home improvement, and as a wife, there is not much more you can ask for.

In the past he has built us a garage, a deck, a couple patios, a few tables. Like cool shit. He is REALLY good at it. He is currently in the process of redoing our driveway and pouring concrete this weekend (side note, something about the way a New Englander says the word concrete is SO HOT!) He really does it all, and really well.

So we spend a lot of time outside as a family. Front and backyard. Our front yard has a great little patio where we love to sit, hang with the neighbors and watch the kids play. At night though, the light fixture on the front of the house is just the worst. It is blinding and so unappealing. It has been on Matt’s list for awhile now and I am always bitching about it.

Last night I came home and when I got inside Matt asked what I thought. I was like, “What do I think about what?” He told me to go outside and look. I went back out and stood in our front yard. I looked up and down and all around and I had no clue what he was talking about.

“Did you do something to the tree?” I asked.
“Try again.”
“You painted the door?” PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE… I was starting to feel so bad.
“No, Jan…”
I was stumped, I literally had no idea. Everything looked the same.
“I fixed the light finally.” Shit, he did!! He replaced the horrible one with two great ones. The lighting was perfect, the fixtures looked great. I could tell he did some work on them. On top of doing this, he had all three kids with him and I of all people know how difficult it is to get anything accomplished when you have three toddlers on your hands.

I felt so bad. He worked so hard on something I wanted and I didn’t even freaking notice. He didn’t care, but I still felt bad. Husbands and wives are a team ya know, we are suppose to be each others #1 cheerleader…..and here I am, not even noticing what my teammate did…..SHITTY!!!

TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEED TO SURVIVE THE WEEKEND AS A SHITTY HOUSEWIFE

1 Comment

FullSizeRender

So as the queen of The Shitties, I decided to share my needs to claim this term. I have compiled a top ten list of everything you need to make it through this weekend…..Shitty Housewife style, of course.

When you are a housewife, weekends tend to blend in with the rest of the days. Meaning, you never really clock out. But the words Saturday and Sunday, give you a little more of an excuse to up your Shitty Duties!! So here it is…

THE TOP TEN ITEMS YOU NEED TO SURVIVE THIS WEEKEND

  1. COFFEE- Face it, housewives cannot survive without coffee, daily. It gives us that extra burst of energy and gives us a small ounce of comfort throughout the day while we are getting screamed at by our families. Plus, the shit taste good. Buy a VERY large size….you are gonna need it. DSCF0528
  2. BABYWIPES– Like Franks Hot Sauce…I use this shit on everything. Seriously, how do people survive without them. They are truly lifesavers and not just for Cameron’s bum. They can wipe a fridge, a snotty nose, spilled apple juice or some grown up spillage that can happen during alone time (yep…I went there)DSCF0529
  3. A BROKEN WASHING MACHINE- Okay, it’s not broken, just unplugged. But I am The Shitty Housewife and on the weekends, laundry can kiss my ass. So, be like me. Unplug that shit and tell your partner it is broken and you will call the appliance guy on Monday. Then just plug it back in. No harm, no foul, right?!DSCF0533
  4. A CONDOM-It is the weekend, which means, you will get laid. Like, it is part of the marriage pact right? But be safe, you don’t want another kid (well maybe you do, but not over here.) And since you are an old married couple, you just need one condom…..FullSizeRender_1
  5. FLANNEL PAJAMAS-You got laid. Cute time is done. You did your wifely duties of looking good, then putting out. You can let it go now and be comfortable till Monday. (Seriously, if you do not own a pair, go get them. NOW. LIFE CHANGING!!!!)FullSizeRender (1)
  6. QUESO-Weekends mean cheat days. Which means queso and as much as you can handle. The entire weekend. EAT IT…….I LOVE YOU CHEESE DIP!!!!!DSCF0530
  7. A HIDING SPOT-Look, you are not going to survive a 48 hr stint with the family without a hiding spot. Take a minute and find one. Stash some magazines, queso and a bottle of wine. It is going to make your survival so much more manageable. TRUST ME!FullSizeRender
  8. BEER-Look, I know you all have been boozing lightly all week, but the weekend is here. It is time to get your party on. Whatever your drink of choice is. Mine, is beer. Miller High Life (classy, I know. ) Just make sure you are stocked and prepared. Drinking and driving is not an option, so have plenty on hand because that store run is not gonna happen after round 3. Miller-High-Life-Full
  9. BED- After all the parenting, wifing, queso-ing and boozing, you are going to want your bed. And since your quick romp with the hubby didn’t mess up the sheets that badly, this shit is ready for you. Fall into it, wrap up in blankets and get swallowed in pillows. Try to get some rest. YOU FUCKING DESERVE IT!!!DSCF0531
  10. A COOL ASS FAMILY- Since it is the weekend and you are being shitty, you better remember that you have the best family ever. They put up with you (and one has sex with you!) so you better be thankful. Like for real. Life would be simply the SHITTIEST without them! OWeddingFinal(97of1516) (1)

    WELL THAT’S IT FOLKS!

    I HOPE THIS HELPS PREP YOU FOR THE WEEKEND.

    GOOD LUCK AND CHEERS!