The Shittiest Housewife’s Shittiest Move of the Week….

JanRyanPhotoshoot (14 of 18)So I do shitty things like pretty much all day long. Again, not intentionally, but it’s just me. It is who I am. Great intentions, not so great execution. STORY OF MY LIFE. So I thought each week I would pick my “Shittiest Moment of the Week.” This week was a tough pick …I had a rough one. School started, teething kid, so I have a lot of moments as a housewife I am not too proud of. But this one takes the cake.

So I was having a good morning. Woke up extra early and worked out. Went to work and had the smoothest day in I’ve had there probably ever. Met up with Matt for the good ole kid swap. I was stoked. It was beautiful out, the sun was shining and me and the O’s had the whole day ahead of ourselves. I asked them what they wanted to do and Viv replies…

“I wwweally, wwweally want cheese dip.” Ah, that’s my girl. To Willy’s it is. Of course we get there and it is prime lunch time. The place it swamped. Standing in front of us is two policemen which of course the older O’s are fascinated with. We order our food and find a table. When we are out people are always looking our way. I would like to think they are looking at us thinking “Wow, what a beautiful family.” But I know they are really thinking “Wow, how the fuck does she leave the house with that many small kids?!” We sit down at a booth, right next to the policemen. Surrounded by happy, quiet Willy’s goers. Cameron, my 10 month old baby is eating his beans, minding his own business, happy as a clam (whatever the hell that means) when all the sudden he starts choking. Now remember, I have two older children. I know what to do. I have been in this horrifying situation before and Matt and I learned exactly what to do. But for some reason I froze. LIKE COMPLETELY. I lost all mom skills and just started freaking out. I don’t even know what happened next but the two police officers had my baby and I was just standing there crying.  Next an insanely sweet man with a beautiful British accent and his pregnant friend come over.

“Give me the baby” he said. The policeman did just that. Now Cam was coughing and working out this thing that he got a hold of but he was making these awful noises and needed some help. The Brit held him in a funky position, a quick smack on his back with his palm and out pops a slimy chip.

“I am going to slowly raise him upright and give him back to you. You need to calm down because you need to calm him down. He is scared too.” He did just that and I tried as hard as possible to calm down. Within minutes he was back to normal happy Cam. Everyone was staring at me. I COULD NOT pull my shit together. I was a basket case. Of course it didn’t faze the older O’s. Viv was knee did in melted cheese and Kell was just staring at the policemen. Random strangers came over handing me tissues and telling me their own personal shitty mom stories. Even the Willy’s guy came over asked if I wanted more cheese dip. Of fucking course I did. I just had to hand my child off to strangers because in his time of need I blanked. I needed every drop of cheese in that fucking place. I needed to bawl my eyes out like a baby and stuff my face with queso for the rest of my life. Matt called and of course did great job of attempting to make me feel better. The conversation ended with him reassuring me that if I was alone I would have been fine and I would have done what I needed to do to help Cam. He also said that I should sit and cry in my cheese for as long as I needed. (BEST HUSBAND EVER.) Once the police finished their lunch they came over and asked me if I needed any assistance with anything. “Got any Xanax?” maybe not the most appropriate time to make a drug joke, but they laughed awkwardly and left. Then the Brit came over.

“Look, I overheard you on the phone with your husband. The worst part about this situation is not what just happened with your son, it is how badly you are beating yourself up. Your baby is fine. Shit happens” It does. It always fucking does.

Now it is your turn. I want to hear your Shittiest Moment of the Week. I need one/two lines describing your worst move this week. Tag a friend to do the same. Post in the comment section on Facebook, Instagram or The Shitty Housewife site. When you tag a friend and tell us why you are the shithead of the week you are entered to win, a housewife favorite…$20 Target Gift Card! That’s right, whoever was the absolute WORST this week gets to wander the aisles of America’s favorite store….on The Shitty Housewife. Don’t be scared, no judgement here. Hey, I just told everyone I almost killed my kid!

4 thoughts on “The Shittiest Housewife’s Shittiest Move of the Week….

  1. Janine says:

    I was upstairs brushing my teeth. My husband was downstairs doing tummy time with our five week old baby girl. I heard three sneezes, each followed by a “bless you.” After the fourth sneeze, I heard my husband say “whoa that’s a big booger, what the heck is that … a seed!?” I of course ran down the stairs to to check out the prize. Sure enough , it was a flaxseed. It only took a moment to figure out how the heck that got in there. I had just been eating toast while breast-feeding. She must’ve snarfed it up after it dropped off my plate as I chowder down over her. Poor thing ! I’d say that’s kind of shitty.

    Liked by 1 person

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