23 Realistic Maternity Photos From A Shitty Housewife…

Is your biological clock ticking? Are your ovaries on fire? Well they are about to jump out into oncoming traffic. This is what a pregnant woman of a toddler is REALLY thinking during pregnancy…

1.He lied…


2. Best be glad I haven’t stabbed you in your sleep yet…


3. Don’t look at me while I devour this. Just throw food at me and call me pretty…


4. He is drinking for 2 and makes you want a shot even more…


5. Dreaming of the day you can enjoy the soothing burn of tequila once more… 


6. The first meeting of new siblings… 


7. This is going well…


8. #FirstKidProblems


9. I’m in charge of ALL of them? Can’t we just take a nap? Shit, am I missing one?


10. This is great. What the fuck was I thinking? At least I found the other kid. 


11. This bitch over here better get her kids and her lips off my tequila!


12. Nap time. Mommy can’t stand up anymore…


13. Well that’s real fuckin sweet…


14. All I wanted was a hug! Maybe a kiss!


15. Does this kid make my belly look fat? 


16. For all the times he complains about getting no credit. Then the kid pops out looking like his twin…


17. Are you making fun of my weight? Not the best idea, bucky… It’s your turn to push!


18. Let me tell you ’bout my best friend…


19. Just a sip? This swing doesn’t go any damn higher, child!


20. There are many moments of weakness…


21. And many meltdowns… From you AND the toddler…


22. But you aren’t the only one who now has to suffer! He’s stuck with your crazy ass…


23. Ok maybe you are…


24. Just remind him often, YOU DID THIS TO ME!!




The Shitty Housewives and kids

Adding another to the chaos March 2017

Thank you to Steph Kitchens for the photography. To book her services, go here.


The Timing of a Girlfriend


“I never wanted to be a wife. It wasn’t really a major goal of mine. I never had the wedding dreams or thought much about rings. I just didn’t get that girly gene…”

That’s just how Jan started her article, Timing of a Wife, today last year, and I would say I totally agree. Growing up I never understood the idea behind needing “just another piece of paper” to prove your commitment. And while I still find it very formal and silly, I find myself craving it.

Maybe blame the preggo hormones, but I have been feeling it for a while. To the point where I find myself dropping stupid, pressuring “hints” about as subtle as a potty training toddler peeing on your carpet yelling at you the whole time… I do it to the point that I annoy myself as I say it. Its like Mean Girls word vomit. I hear the words coming out of my mouth while my head is saying, “WTF are you doing?”

We have been together for over 6 years, have a 2 year old and a baby on the way. I always thought that if I were to get married, it would be before kids (even though I NEVER thought that would happen either. Joke is on me!) Then, I claimed it would be a deal breaker for us to have a second kid. No judge, no love. Here I am 7 months pregnant with no proposal in sight. And I know this for a fact, because of what he said at Christmas that really messed with me…

Now, hear me out because I know it sounds bad, but I know what he meant.

**Setting the scene, Christmas Eve, heading home from family’s house with our little girl sleeping in the back, high on hormones and butterflies, his hand resting on my thigh where it always is when I drive, just giddy** And then he says this:

You know, I am definitely not proposing or anything,right?

My heart sunk… like I had no inkling or reason to believe that he was going to but hearing that just hurt… I felt all of these weird, oddly unlike me feelings. I felt unworthy, like I hadn’t proven myself good enough, like he didn’t want me as his wife.

He noticed my heart drop through my butt and we had a talk… He explained how he didn’t mean it like that at all but that he would never propose at Christmas time, he was giving me jewelry and wanted to prepare me that it wasn’t a ring in the box, and that all of my feelings were wrong, because I am good enough. I understood where he was coming from and realized those beers from the party make his typically already bad choice of words worse than usual.

But it kind of triggered something inside me. I realized I need to chill. Getting married just wouldn’t make sense for us at the moment and I know this, so I don’t know why I am so worried about it. He loves me, he’s committed to me, and he treats me like I should be treated. We are a typical old married couple with kids but I don’t share his last name. Yet.

As of now, I am happy with our family, with our lives, and with my gorgeous, sweet, adoring BOYFRIEND. When the time comes, we will still pass out watching Netflix at 9pm, eat ice cream in bed, passive aggressively state who changed the baby’s diaper last, and avoid doing dishes together.

So Nicholas: husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, baby mama and baby daddy, no matter the stage I will always have a crush on you.


We have a one year old! I can’t believe it! Time has blown by us and we are blown away at how much you have grown. You have shown us a love we never knew existed and can’t wait for many more years with you.


Mommy and Mommy love you and can’t wait to see who you become!

It has been a whole year here at The Shitty Housewife and we cannot thank y’all enough for your continued support and your open, warm embrace. We appreciate your reading, your likes, your shares, your stories, and your faces.

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Wife Life

Wife VS Girlfriend…

So I have been a girlfriend a lot longer than I have been a wife. In fact, I only recently got married and became a wife.

I became a girlfriend for the first time when I was 20 years old. Currently I am 36, so I have a ton more girlfriend experience. I honestly don’t think girlfriends get enough credit. Yes, when Matt and I exchanged vows and made that step, things did change. MAJORLY. But that is for another blog. Prior to that I was his girlfriend for almost 5 years and most people did give me that respect of importance in his life, but some did not. And sadly, the people who did not were mainly women. Most of the time, not openly, but females were the ones who asked the questions like “Do you guys talk about marriage?” “Don’t you want a ring?” “Isn’t marriage important?” “How do you know he is committed?” HHHHHMMMMM, how do I know? Because I fucking know.

At the time he was my boyfriend and we had committed to that and that was enough. That was major. We lived together. We had kids together. We discussed major life issues together. We planned a future together. The wedding and ring did not solidify our relationship as a couple. Our open love, respect and loyalty is what made us solid.

When you get married (especially when you already have children) society is so much more accepting. You don’t get sad eyes saying “Oh, you aren’t married to your baby daddy?” But my role has not changed. Our commitment hasn’t changed. I was just as much a committed girlfriend as I am a wife and the same for Matt. I was so proud to call him my boyfriend. I was even prouder to call him my baby daddy.

Being in a long term committed relationship should not only be accepted if a piece of paper and a piece of jewelry are involved. It should be fine with zero questions attached to it when you are deeply in love and in it for the long haul.

I did think about marriage and if we would get married. I wondered if Matt would at some point propose to me. I remember my friends asking me when we were going to have a wedding. But looking back, I kinda regret those thoughts. Because while I was wasting my time doing that, he was building a life with me. He was working on his future with me. He wasn’t concerned about creating a title for me. He was only concerned about creating a life with me.

Society and it’s so called acceptable standards get in the way of every aspect of our lives. If you are a girlfriend, do not let it get in the way of that. That shit is AWESOME. Someone wants to be with you, for a long period of time, and love you! I promise…THAT IS ENOUGH!!!!

Now trust me, I ADORE being a wife. But I don’t consider myself A wife. I consider myself HIS wife. With love and respect Matt asked me to be his wife. It wasn’t because it was time, or because we rushed, or because I pressured him. It was simply because it felt right to us to change our title.

Be proud to be your role. Whatever it may be. And be proud to tell someone you are not married yet. Don’t let them take that special feeling you get when you are a girlfriend away. You never know when your role will change and it will happen at the perfect time, with the perfect person and with the perfect piece of THEIR HEART.