Fuck You Wendy Williams

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Our SLAM- Wendy Williams!!!

Fun bags…FUCK YOU!!! Who the fuck are you to tell someone they need to go to their car and breastfeed. You are a mom and you don’t understand??? Look, I know the idea of tits feeding babies is so gross and yucky and disturbing, but why??? It is totally the opposite of any of that! It is the most natural thing a women can do besides go to the fucking bathroom. You even have to try a little when you give birth, but that milk just straight up comes in. Like the body was made to do it. I get not doing it. I get formula feeding. I bought formula today. But I would never criticize anyone for breastfeeding. And who cares if it is in public. Have you ever seen someone flashing you while doing it? Making sexual suggestions while doing it? Deep throating a hot dog while doing it? NO (although, if I did see a women deep throat a hot dog while breasfeeding, I would want to be her friend. She sounds like  damn good time. Did you read Ryan’s article about mouth hugs?) So all I am saying is back off. Back off this group of women who are saving money, nurturing their kid and doing what feels right. No one is criticizing you, Wendy, for all that plastic surgery (until now and that’s only because you are a cunt.)

You are a rude woman who got schooled by Sam from “Who’s the Boss.” Suck on this dick.

 

 

Cornflake Chicken

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Being a Shitty Housewife involves cooking. I am OKAY at it. Not great at all, but decent. I can follow a recipe and usually pump out some good food, but I am horrible at off the cuff cooking. The hubs takes that role in this family. So there are 5 of us and with three toddlers, you really never know how dinner is going to be received. And with shit being so expensive, I am always looking for an easy to follow recipe without a shitload of ingredients.

My mom used to make Cornflake Chicken when I was a kid. I remember loving it and since my kiddos are obsessed with cereal I assumed they would love it too. Super easy, super practical and super yummy…..or at least until this shitty housewife gets her hands on it. Our side dish was sweet potato fries (and since we only had 2 on hand, we actually used a russet potato as well.)

INGREDIENTS
Boneless/Skinless Chicken
Butter
Salt and Pepper
2 cups of crushed cornflakes
¼ cup milk
2 Eggs
Olive Oil
Sweet Potatoes

DIRECTIONS

 

cornflake chicken

cornflake chicken

Heat oven to 375, get your alcoholic beverage of choice and pit bulls at the ready

 

 

   cornflake chicken

Step 1. Crush up the cornflakes in a ziplock bag

Step 2. Butter a baking sheet

cornflake chicken

Step 3. Whisk milk and 2 eggs together in a bowl

cornflake chicken

Step 4. Feed your fat 9 month old who eats so much-waiting for dinner is not an option

cornflake chicken

Step 5. Have your husband (aka hairy hands…seriously, why do his hands look so hairy in this picture?) cut potatoes in large wedges.

cornflake chicken

Step 6. Pour olive oil, salt and pepper over potatoes and put on baking sheet

cornflake chicken

Step 7. Dredge chicken pieces in milk/egg mixture then in crushed cornflakes

cornflake chicken

Step 8. Give your 2 year old more juice because he is tantruming (AGAIN)

Step 9. Top chicken with salt and pepper

cornflake chicken

Step 10. Put chicken and potatoes in the oven

 

 

 

That is it.

But here is what really happened. After 45 minutes, the meat thermometer still wasn’t registering that the meat was done. So we took out the potatoes and kept cooking the chicken, not realizing that the fucking thermometer was broken. Our chicken was super dry and overcooked. The husband made some remark about it and I snapped and claimed it was fine, but really, it was kinda gross and I just force feed myself to prove a point. We doused it with ketchup and the kids ate it up, which was crazy. So yeah, that was our Cornflake Chicken. Cooked properly, it really is super tasty, super inexpensive and super filling. The next day we cut up the chicken, added some enchilada sauce and hot sauce to sauté it and made tacos. Now that shit was good! And Viv approved.

cornflake chicken

The Shittiest Housewife’s Shittiest Move of the Week….

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JanRyanPhotoshoot (14 of 18)So I do shitty things like pretty much all day long. Again, not intentionally, but it’s just me. It is who I am. Great intentions, not so great execution. STORY OF MY LIFE. So I thought each week I would pick my “Shittiest Moment of the Week.” This week was a tough pick …I had a rough one. School started, teething kid, so I have a lot of moments as a housewife I am not too proud of. But this one takes the cake.

So I was having a good morning. Woke up extra early and worked out. Went to work and had the smoothest day in I’ve had there probably ever. Met up with Matt for the good ole kid swap. I was stoked. It was beautiful out, the sun was shining and me and the O’s had the whole day ahead of ourselves. I asked them what they wanted to do and Viv replies…

“I wwweally, wwweally want cheese dip.” Ah, that’s my girl. To Willy’s it is. Of course we get there and it is prime lunch time. The place it swamped. Standing in front of us is two policemen which of course the older O’s are fascinated with. We order our food and find a table. When we are out people are always looking our way. I would like to think they are looking at us thinking “Wow, what a beautiful family.” But I know they are really thinking “Wow, how the fuck does she leave the house with that many small kids?!” We sit down at a booth, right next to the policemen. Surrounded by happy, quiet Willy’s goers. Cameron, my 10 month old baby is eating his beans, minding his own business, happy as a clam (whatever the hell that means) when all the sudden he starts choking. Now remember, I have two older children. I know what to do. I have been in this horrifying situation before and Matt and I learned exactly what to do. But for some reason I froze. LIKE COMPLETELY. I lost all mom skills and just started freaking out. I don’t even know what happened next but the two police officers had my baby and I was just standing there crying.  Next an insanely sweet man with a beautiful British accent and his pregnant friend come over.

“Give me the baby” he said. The policeman did just that. Now Cam was coughing and working out this thing that he got a hold of but he was making these awful noises and needed some help. The Brit held him in a funky position, a quick smack on his back with his palm and out pops a slimy chip.

“I am going to slowly raise him upright and give him back to you. You need to calm down because you need to calm him down. He is scared too.” He did just that and I tried as hard as possible to calm down. Within minutes he was back to normal happy Cam. Everyone was staring at me. I COULD NOT pull my shit together. I was a basket case. Of course it didn’t faze the older O’s. Viv was knee did in melted cheese and Kell was just staring at the policemen. Random strangers came over handing me tissues and telling me their own personal shitty mom stories. Even the Willy’s guy came over asked if I wanted more cheese dip. Of fucking course I did. I just had to hand my child off to strangers because in his time of need I blanked. I needed every drop of cheese in that fucking place. I needed to bawl my eyes out like a baby and stuff my face with queso for the rest of my life. Matt called and of course did great job of attempting to make me feel better. The conversation ended with him reassuring me that if I was alone I would have been fine and I would have done what I needed to do to help Cam. He also said that I should sit and cry in my cheese for as long as I needed. (BEST HUSBAND EVER.) Once the police finished their lunch they came over and asked me if I needed any assistance with anything. “Got any Xanax?” maybe not the most appropriate time to make a drug joke, but they laughed awkwardly and left. Then the Brit came over.

“Look, I overheard you on the phone with your husband. The worst part about this situation is not what just happened with your son, it is how badly you are beating yourself up. Your baby is fine. Shit happens” It does. It always fucking does.

Now it is your turn. I want to hear your Shittiest Moment of the Week. I need one/two lines describing your worst move this week. Tag a friend to do the same. Post in the comment section on Facebook, Instagram or The Shitty Housewife site. When you tag a friend and tell us why you are the shithead of the week you are entered to win, a housewife favorite…$20 Target Gift Card! That’s right, whoever was the absolute WORST this week gets to wander the aisles of America’s favorite store….on The Shitty Housewife. Don’t be scared, no judgement here. Hey, I just told everyone I almost killed my kid!

See Beautiful with Lydia Criss Mays

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We here at The Shitty Housewife are so very excited about our Wednesday’s. Mainly because our readers can take a break from listening to our lame asses and focus on something else. Something amazing. Something purposeful. Something NOT SHITTY! Every month we will be featuring a charity/organization whose mission we strongly believe in. And a mission you can get involved in. And every Wednesday during that we will just promote the shit out of their mission!
 We are honored that our first month’s organization is Atlanta’s own See Beautiful. See Beautiful is a place whose main focus is encouraging people to look at themselves, others and the world with beauty, love and respect. At See Beautiful they understand that this world is shitty and can be rough, but they are committed to looking through that crap and focusing on shining love and creating beauty. Seeing yourself and everyone and everything around you is tough. We all at some point have struggled or are struggling with our confidence in how we look. And man, as someone who has, it is so shitty. And even the days you are owning it, feeling like 10 million bucks, something can happen and boom, that awful ugly creeps back in. I can walk around all day in my skinny jeans, boots, blown out hair (like this housewife ever has fixed hair) feeling like the sexiest thing in the world for hours and hours. All it takes is for a quick Victoria Secret commercial to come on and mother fucker, I’m a gross pig suddenly. But here is the thing, I AM NOT. WE ARE NOT. We are all beautiful. If you are a good, decent, semi shitty person…YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!! We are all so beautiful it is crazy. We are living, breathing, creating, building, loving, beautiful people and you should feel that way every single damn day! We are who we are and we can’t change that. We are beautiful and it is just that simple.
Finding beauty is a way of life See Beautiful want us all to embrace and they encourage that through their Giving Initiatives. They focus giving back to teachers, schools, families, even animals through these initiatives by creating an adorable array of See Beautiful jewelry, clothes, bags, scarves and accessories. All of the money brought in from these incredible products goes to these Giving Initiatives helping people See Beautiful!  The Shitty Housewife was so honored to sit down with the CEO and Founder of See Beautiful and ask a few questions. Here she is….. Lydia Criss Mays, the most unshittiest housewife ever!!!
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See Beautiful Tee. Photo courtesy of SeeBeautiful.com
Billboard Bag. Photo courtesy of SeeBeautiful.com
Lydia Criss Mays. Photo by Bobby Neptune. Kayonza, Rwanda
Giving Cuff Bracelet. Photo courtesy of SeeBeautiful.com
Pet Tags. Photo courtesy of SeeBeautiful.com

TSH: Tell me a little bit about yourself?

LCM: I’m a wife (I try to be an awesome one, but let’s face it, I’ve been shitty a time or two or…err. It happens (pun intended)). I’m a former teacher and college professor. I never saw myself starting or running a business, but See Beautiful doesn’t feel like a business. Empowering people to see beautiful in themselves and others, and giving to causes creating more beautiful in the world is a dream. I’m also a children’s book author and use my words to inspire others – especially during the crap-filled times. Some of my favorite moments are working with some of the 200+ girls in our See Beautiful Clubs. They teach me a lot about how to better grow See Beautiful to really empower (and they keep me on fleek).

I love your mission of See Beautiful, how did you begin this organization?

The organization began with action – the need to see beautiful in myself and my own life. See Beautiful is by no means an infertility organization or loss-focused company, but both of those things are what had me in a really tough place where I couldn’t see beautiful in myself or the world around me. It was when I focused on finding beauty, in myself and the world, that I came back to living and found joy in it. As we see beautiful we create more space for identifying and creating more of it in our lives. When I recognized the life-changing power in the lifestyle I knew I had to share it. See Beautiful grew from there and it’s growth and incredible community inspire me every single day.

What has been your greatest accomplishment since beginning?

That’s hard. We could play the numbers game and say that one of our greatest accomplishments is having donated over $50,000 to our See Beautiful Giving Initiatives (every sale benefits the See Beautiful Giving Initiative of your choice). We could play the qualitative game and talk about the women and men who have shared stories of their lives being transformed because they can now see beautiful in themselves and others. I recently traveled to Congo and Rwanda to meet the children and women we work with in those countries. That was a thrill, but perhaps the greatest of all was meeting Bene. He was seven when I met him and he was a selective mute. He stopped speaking at the age of three when he witnessed his Uncle’s murder. Using my education background, and my opportunity from See Beautiful to send him to school each month, I met with Bene, his mother, teacher and director of the school. We worked on play therapy and empowerment activities together. It is the greatest accomplishment to say that Bene is now talking. To everyone. The power of a voice is beautiful.

Do you find it hard to always See Beautiful, especially when this world can be so tough?

Seeing beautiful is actually a really difficult task when done right. It’s easy to see beautiful when all in the world is daisies and rainbows, but we want to empower people to see beautiful when life doesn’t seem beautiful at all – when it’s shitty. I believe in the power of See Beautiful because I have waded through the shit, when the world was really tough, and the biggest lifeline back to rejoining this world was to search for the tiny nuggets of beautiful and rest in that space. I share a lot more about it in my TED Talk here if anyone wants to go down that road.

If you could, in one sentence, tell us the main purpose for this journey, what would it be?

We work to empower people to see beautiful in themselves and others and give to causes creating more beautiful in the world.

How can our readers get more involved with See Beautiful?

We’d LOVE for you to join our community! We’re always dishing out goodies on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Our products are all eco-friendly, fair trade, or handmade, and as I mentioned above, they all give back in incredible ways. We also have applications for See Beautiful Giving Initiatives, so visit our “GIVING” page and see if you or someone you know would be a great fit. Giving is our favorite. It’s what makes us see beautiful the most.

We can not thank Lydia and her team enough for what they do and how much they help. Check out their website and use The Shitty Housewife Promo Code HOUSEWIFE2016 and receive 15% off Store Wide!!! Also follow them on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter, and sign up to receive their newsletter.

What Are We?

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What is a Shitty Housewife….Well, it really isn’t a wife at all. I mean, it can be a wife. I am a wife. And I do stay at home with my kids. I did shut down my own business to be a mom. It was the best financial decision for my family, so I WAS a stay at home mom. For a bit. After my third baby was born, I began to lose my mind being around my kid’s nonstop with no break. And I hated being so broke. So now I work part time. I go to school full time. And I mom and wife all of the time. I try my best at all of my jobs. Work, school and home. But sometimes, because life is life and isn’t always full of rainbows and flowers, I am shitty at them. I make a ton of mistakes, forget almost everything and constantly get frustrated with everyone and everything. Whether it is at work, school or home, I am never up to par. But you know what…THAT IS OKAY! That is what a Shitty Housewife is. Simply a person who tries, all the fucking time and fails a lot. But keeps trying and keeps getting through it.

Maybe you aren’t a wife. Maybe you are a girlfriend, a partner, a single parent, an adoptive parent, a dog mom. A female, a male, a transgender, a WHATEVER. You are just a person, who has a purpose and a mission, but sometimes you just want to lay in bed and eat queso instead of executing that mission. I say go for it. Chow down on that cheese dip and lounge because you deserve it. Life is hard. Life is long. Life is full of hourly surprises you weren’t prepared for. And at the same time, life is fucking beautiful. Those surprises are amazing and these hardships launch us into something bigger and better.

This site is for us. The folks that wake up every day feeling like Mary Poppins but go to bed as Cruella Deville. The people that google Pinterest ideas for hours, but know damn well you could never make a handmade paper fucking flower. The entourage of kids that have kids or want kids, but are kids and we are just trying to figure it all out.

This site is for us. Full of funny stories and experiences. Opinions and ideas. Cool interviews with amazing people.  Ways to explore this insane world we live with a lighter heart. So if you are any of the above or none of the above you found your spot.

This idea sprung on me one night when my husband was telling me to prewash dishes before I load the dishwasher for the one millionth time. (Seriously, for 5 years we have had this conversation.) I said something about being a shitty housewife and then it hit me. The internet is filled with so many ways to be better. Ideas to strive for perfection. Stories that seem more like fairy tales. And then, on the other hand you have some terrible, awful, horrendous stories splashed in your face constantly. Every day we have to see how fucked up this world is or how wonderfully perfect things are working out for others. You will see neither one of those things on this site. Nothing perfect. Nothing atrocious. Just real. Right in the middle of that. Right where your shittiness is celebrated and quite frankly preferred.

I have an awesome team of support behind me including an old friend Ryan (the funniest) and my new friend Nicole (the soberest) who have been working around the clock with me since this idea came to fruition. We plan on presenting super-hot men and women who we “housewives” fantasize about. We will be showcasing a new incredible charity/organization who is making strides in changing this world on a monthly basis. We will be saluting some bad ass babes out there who are just fucking rad and are doing even radder things. We are celebrating cooking in the shittiest/best way we know how. And, of course we will present Timberlake Tuesdays….duh.

I, The Shitty Housewife Jan O’Shaughnessy and my male counterpart, Ryan Austin, will be bringing weekly blogs that will focus on things all over the board. Talking about things that are real, controversial, funny and shitty. Half the time you will disagree with us, but it will be great entertainment, I promise! You will not find discussions on politics. I follow them. I vote. I have very strong opinions but this is not the place for them. I will also never speak negatively about people who live life differently from the normal man/wife/kid scenario. I welcome different, outside the box and untraditional. I will also NEVER, EVER, EVER say anything nice about Justin Bieber. That shit will never happen. So hop aboard this weird ride with us. And don’t ever hesitate to contact us with your thoughts, ideas, and issues. We are always welcoming guest writers who have something interesting to say.

Ryan, Nicole and I are very excited about this new venture for us all. We have some crazy cool shit we are working on. Blogs, interviews, even fundraisers. The Shitty Housewife is going to be the coolest, funniest, wackiest and shittiest most mediocre thing the internet has seen in a long time!

Charlie and Mila

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Welcome to Masturbation Monday. Let’s face it, no one likes this dreaded day of the week. I don’t care who you are or what you do…MONDAYS SUCK! The weekend is over and it is the start of 5 long, lame days until it is time to party again. (Unless you are me and you like a small round of partying mid-week)  Another fact, everyone masturbates. (I mean come on, we all do. If you don’t, well you aren’t growing sexually and if you think your partner isn’t, well you are wrong.)  So we thought we would spice our readers’ Monday’s up by combining two of our favorite pastimes. Hot celebs and masturbating. That is where Masturbation Monday comes in. Each week will be featuring some serious sexiness for ladies and men of all kinds. I don’t care who or what you are into, you will find our Monday’s hot! And fingers crossed you may even find some time in your awful day to sneak away from all of your adult duties to truly ENJOY these photos for your pleasure…wink wink. So here is our first ever #MasturbationMonday.

Mila Kunis.

It like seriously does not get hotter than her. I’m totally not a lesbian, but I would honestly do whatever she asked me to do, in and out of the sheets. I mean everything about her oozes sex appeal. Her dark smokey eyes. Her tight little body. Her always slightly raspy voice…. um excuse me, I am getting all worked up just writing this. And now she is shacked up and has a kid. What a lucky man to have this Housewife serving him dinner?! She could be as shitty as she wanted if she was mine!!

Charlie Hunnam.

There really aren’t words for this man. He is god like. (If god was so fucking sexy every human being in the word was physically attracted to him and want to have sex with him.) For real, there is hot…than there is Charlie. His body, his face, his accent. He has fully embodied how to be classy and gritty at the same time. (I wish he would just go ahead and fully embody me!) Please Charlie, pick a new gig soon so we can all start swooning over and over and over again.


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Who You Callin’ Shitty?

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So am I a shitty housewife? Yeah, I am. Not intentionally, but if you compared me to another housewife I would be the shittier of the two.

Look, I love being a wife, I love having a home “to keep” and I adore taking care of my kids. But no one is ever going to give me a ‘housewife of the year’ award. Truth is, I am 100% okay with that. I am really good at making my kids laugh. I am even better at putting a huge smile on my husband’s face at any moment during the day. And I am the best at drinking a lot of Miller Highlife while maintaining a flat belly.

We all cannot be good at everything. And in this day and age of Facebook and Instagram, man it is easy to look like you are. But I am here to create a space where perfection is the PITS! In fact perfect is not welcome. I want a place where I can be myself. My true, real, semi-shitty, and totally awesome self. A place where a selfie showing my deflated, teeny, tiny breasts is welcomed because they nursed three humans. A place where I can talk about how I try every day to make this household how it is “supposed” to be, but I am having a hard time trying to fit that mold. A place where that mold is just fucking lame. A place where being myself is the best and being someone I am not is the absolute worst. A place where YOU and I can admit who we are and be crazy proud of that person. My name is Jan-O.

Welcome to The Shitty Housewife.