This blog has really become a very good mirror for me. I am really diving into how I see myself, how I envison my life and my expectations of myself and others. In the beginning, I was confused on where I was going with it. I am sure many of you could sense that. My posts were all over the place. I was trying to make it fit some mold or something. But lately, I have been just going with my gut and really just trying to get more comoftable with writing.
I have always been a pretty confident women. Once I realized I was actually a women, I owned that shit. I will say this, as some women experience the opposite, I became less confident AFTER I had children. It was weird, I had always nailed the momless life. Like I was really good at it. Had a ton of friends, a great social life, active in the community, had my own business….I was good. Then this role of mom came along and I was stumped. I lost a lot of confidence. I didn’t know what I was doing. I was always comparing myself to others, which I had not done since high school. I was questioning my looks, my body, my everything. At a time when I thought I should have been on top of the world, I was drowning in self loathing.
I never really spoke to anyone about it. Not even Matt. Although on many, many occasions, he would say things like “Why are you beating youself up?” and “Jan, you are the most confident girl I have ever met, what is happening?” And “Stop hating on yourself.” He has notcied the changed. And no matter how amazing and compliementary a man can be, it truly is how you feel about you that builds confidence.
But lately, I feel like I am getting to feel that confidence back a bit. And I really think some has to do with this blog. I feel like I am kinda finding a new groove with this whole honest about momming thing. And yes, I do call myself The Shitty Housewife and I actually am the shittiest HOUSEwife ever, but I am a fucking bad ass wife. I may not clean the house, cook the greatest meals or fold laundry all day, but you know what I do, and well (besides bj’s….) I love the shit out of my husband. I adore his entire being. I try to light him up every time he looks my way, just like he does for me. I waited a long ass time to find someone so special to deserve and embrace my love fully and now that I found it, I fucking treasure it. And by him letting me love him the way I want too, I have gained some of that confidence I lost. The moment he made me his wife, I dropped every wall imaginable and gave myself to him and he loves it. And knowing he loves it makes me more confident in my being.
And as far as my confidence in being a mom is considered, it will get better. It has gotten better. I am more open about my fears and concerns and the reality of the way I parent. I am not a bad mom because I let my kids watch TV. I am not a bad mom because they hear me say the word shit. I am not a bad mom because I make them have a clean plate if they want dessert. I am not a bad mom because I say no to them. These are my rules and others may not agree, but it doesn’t make me or any other parent bad.
Confidence is a funny thing. It comes and goes. It makes you feel like a queen or like a cockroach depending on the day. I will say this though, this blog has changed me. I feel better about life because of it. I love being honest and not scared. I love being funny and not worried about feelings. I love having people say “ME TOO!!!” So thank you guys. And the more I write and reach out, the more ideas for new segments pop into my head….or maybe that is just the mild buzz I have….
Anyway, just some random thoughts for ya. Keep in classy Thursday…and keep your chin up!