Tag: marriage

Why My Second Kid Has A Better Mom

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Being a second kid can totally suck. You get hand-me-down toys, hand-me-down clothes, and you never really get Mom to yourself. You always have someone picking on you, annoyed by you even though you just wanted to play, someone bigger/stronger/faster than you.

But you know what is awesome about being the second kid? You get a much better mom. Before baby #1, I was terrified but knew I would be a great mom because I read every.single.article. I read every.single.forum. I was in every.single.mom group. Baby #1 got like three baby showers, a perfectly curated nursery, brand new clothes, every teether on the market. I wouldn’t feed non-organic, I wouldn’t put her down if she was crying, I wouldn’t let anyone babysit her. I wouldn’t take time for myself, I wouldn’t let her self soothe, and I wouldn’t let her just do her thing.

Baby #2 didn’t get any of that shit. And honestly, I think he’s better for it. He is still THE happiest baby on this earth and he doesn’t give a shit about any of it. Now this all may change when they get a bit older, since now they are just 3 and 10months, but for now I’m not stressing it. He doesn’t care he has purple sheets. He doesn’t care his toys are his sister’s hand-me-downs bought from Goodwill to begin with. He doesn’t care that I let him eat pepperoni and shredded cheese for lunch.

Baby #2 gets the “cool mom.” She isn’t worried about the tiniest bump on his arm because she knows it is just a mosquito bite, no reason to ask the mom group, go back outside and play. She isn’t helicopter-ing around him as he learns to crawl and walk, she’s just encouraging, knowing there will be a few tumbles. She isn’t staying at home locked away from the world because she wants no one to watch him, he gets to know everyone at the party as he gets passed around and loves it. She isn’t stressed and hating herself and beating herself up because of that one little mistake that Suzie from Facebook would NEVER allow but really doesn’t fucking matter. He ate an m&m, holy shit!

Baby #2 gets to experience more in life. He gets an older sister to inspire, teach, and torture him. He gets the already tired parents willing to let him “just be a kid.” He gets a ton more freedoms off the bat. And he still has parents who freaking love him. Because that’s what it’s all about, right? Teaching them love? For the world, for others, for themselves?

So if you have baby #2 on the way and you’re fucking terrified, shit even baby #1, just let them be. Don’t be so caught up in all the little things you have to do, focus on just being the best mom you can be. That doesn’t mean the laundry will always be done. That doesn’t mean your floors are spotless. That doesn’t mean everyone is always doing exactly what they are supposed to be doing. Because after baby #2, none of those things are going to be happening. But you are going to notice all of the little things you didn’t really pay attention to with your first because you were too concerned with what you should be doing.

 

Cheers

Nicole

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The Timing of a Girlfriend

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“I never wanted to be a wife. It wasn’t really a major goal of mine. I never had the wedding dreams or thought much about rings. I just didn’t get that girly gene…”

That’s just how Jan started her article, Timing of a Wife, today last year, and I would say I totally agree. Growing up I never understood the idea behind needing “just another piece of paper” to prove your commitment. And while I still find it very formal and silly, I find myself craving it.

Maybe blame the preggo hormones, but I have been feeling it for a while. To the point where I find myself dropping stupid, pressuring “hints” about as subtle as a potty training toddler peeing on your carpet yelling at you the whole time… I do it to the point that I annoy myself as I say it. Its like Mean Girls word vomit. I hear the words coming out of my mouth while my head is saying, “WTF are you doing?”

We have been together for over 6 years, have a 2 year old and a baby on the way. I always thought that if I were to get married, it would be before kids (even though I NEVER thought that would happen either. Joke is on me!) Then, I claimed it would be a deal breaker for us to have a second kid. No judge, no love. Here I am 7 months pregnant with no proposal in sight. And I know this for a fact, because of what he said at Christmas that really messed with me…

Now, hear me out because I know it sounds bad, but I know what he meant.

**Setting the scene, Christmas Eve, heading home from family’s house with our little girl sleeping in the back, high on hormones and butterflies, his hand resting on my thigh where it always is when I drive, just giddy** And then he says this:

You know, I am definitely not proposing or anything,right?

My heart sunk… like I had no inkling or reason to believe that he was going to but hearing that just hurt… I felt all of these weird, oddly unlike me feelings. I felt unworthy, like I hadn’t proven myself good enough, like he didn’t want me as his wife.

He noticed my heart drop through my butt and we had a talk… He explained how he didn’t mean it like that at all but that he would never propose at Christmas time, he was giving me jewelry and wanted to prepare me that it wasn’t a ring in the box, and that all of my feelings were wrong, because I am good enough. I understood where he was coming from and realized those beers from the party make his typically already bad choice of words worse than usual.

But it kind of triggered something inside me. I realized I need to chill. Getting married just wouldn’t make sense for us at the moment and I know this, so I don’t know why I am so worried about it. He loves me, he’s committed to me, and he treats me like I should be treated. We are a typical old married couple with kids but I don’t share his last name. Yet.

As of now, I am happy with our family, with our lives, and with my gorgeous, sweet, adoring BOYFRIEND. When the time comes, we will still pass out watching Netflix at 9pm, eat ice cream in bed, passive aggressively state who changed the baby’s diaper last, and avoid doing dishes together.

So Nicholas: husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, baby mama and baby daddy, no matter the stage I will always have a crush on you.

Wife Life

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Wife VS Girlfriend…

So I have been a girlfriend a lot longer than I have been a wife. In fact, I only recently got married and became a wife.

I became a girlfriend for the first time when I was 20 years old. Currently I am 36, so I have a ton more girlfriend experience. I honestly don’t think girlfriends get enough credit. Yes, when Matt and I exchanged vows and made that step, things did change. MAJORLY. But that is for another blog. Prior to that I was his girlfriend for almost 5 years and most people did give me that respect of importance in his life, but some did not. And sadly, the people who did not were mainly women. Most of the time, not openly, but females were the ones who asked the questions like “Do you guys talk about marriage?” “Don’t you want a ring?” “Isn’t marriage important?” “How do you know he is committed?” HHHHHMMMMM, how do I know? Because I fucking know.

At the time he was my boyfriend and we had committed to that and that was enough. That was major. We lived together. We had kids together. We discussed major life issues together. We planned a future together. The wedding and ring did not solidify our relationship as a couple. Our open love, respect and loyalty is what made us solid.

When you get married (especially when you already have children) society is so much more accepting. You don’t get sad eyes saying “Oh, you aren’t married to your baby daddy?” But my role has not changed. Our commitment hasn’t changed. I was just as much a committed girlfriend as I am a wife and the same for Matt. I was so proud to call him my boyfriend. I was even prouder to call him my baby daddy.

Being in a long term committed relationship should not only be accepted if a piece of paper and a piece of jewelry are involved. It should be fine with zero questions attached to it when you are deeply in love and in it for the long haul.

I did think about marriage and if we would get married. I wondered if Matt would at some point propose to me. I remember my friends asking me when we were going to have a wedding. But looking back, I kinda regret those thoughts. Because while I was wasting my time doing that, he was building a life with me. He was working on his future with me. He wasn’t concerned about creating a title for me. He was only concerned about creating a life with me.

Society and it’s so called acceptable standards get in the way of every aspect of our lives. If you are a girlfriend, do not let it get in the way of that. That shit is AWESOME. Someone wants to be with you, for a long period of time, and love you! I promise…THAT IS ENOUGH!!!!

Now trust me, I ADORE being a wife. But I don’t consider myself A wife. I consider myself HIS wife. With love and respect Matt asked me to be his wife. It wasn’t because it was time, or because we rushed, or because I pressured him. It was simply because it felt right to us to change our title.

Be proud to be your role. Whatever it may be. And be proud to tell someone you are not married yet. Don’t let them take that special feeling you get when you are a girlfriend away. You never know when your role will change and it will happen at the perfect time, with the perfect person and with the perfect piece of THEIR HEART.