Monster in Law


Nick and I have had a few run-ins dealing with our in-laws. He has had issues with mine and I have had quite a few with his. We are getting better and better at dealing with these issues by worrying about each other and our family first, and then dealing with the outside factors. By doing this, we are showing support for each other and making sure our relationship is strong. It also prevents a lot of stupid fights.

Lately, we have been having issues working things out with Nick’s step mom. It seems that no matter how I try, nothing is good enough. Nick is completely anti-bullshit, and while I appreciate that part of him, sometimes I would like some back up when dealing with his family and not ignoring it. If it were up to him, he would say “fuck it” every time someone said anything and they wouldn’t talk until the drama was over. I feel the need to try to facilitate that relationship but sometimes it just pisses me the fuck off.

I am a stay at home mom, and while I am completely ok with leaving my kid with family in the safety sense, I always tend to feel bad. I don’t want them to think I am taking advantage of them or that I can’t take care of my kid. So we really don’t leave Joss with people often at all. But there are times and places where our little demon seed just can’t go with us so we try to see if someone can watch her.

The thing is, many times when Nick’s step mom finds out we left Joss with someone other than her or we visited with someone other than them over the weekend, I get a sassy as FUCK text message. And recently it has put me over the edge. Usually I am able to nicely suck up to make her feel better but the other night, I lost it. I blame Jack Daniels, the sneaky son of a bitch.

She claims we only see her as a babysitter and not a grandma. Which is fucking ridiculous, we are the pretty much the only couple in the family that doesn’t drop our kid off at least once a week.

She claims we think she isn’t good enough to watch the kid. Which is fucking ridiculous. She raised 3 kids of her own and has watched her grand kids a few days a week for years. She works full time, watches at least one grand kid at least one day a week. She is constantly cooking, cleaning, couponing, gardening, bargain hunting, or crafting something. I really don’t know how she doesn’t fall down from exhaustion.

She claims she is at the bottom of the list. Which is fucking ridiculous. My POS biological father definitely wins that one.

She claims we don’t love her. Which is fucking ridiculous. When we first found out we were pregnant, young and unmarried, she was unwavering in her support and even threw us an amazing baby shower. She remembered every doctor’s appointment, texted me to check up daily, made my favorite meal of chicken and dumplings almost weekly. I swear she was the reason I gained so much weight. And she was in the room with both my mother and Nick’s late mother when I gave birth to our 9lb 13oz spawn of satan.

It’s irritating the shit out of me that she doesn’t see her own worth and is acting this way. There is no need for the passive aggressive, snarky texts. There is no need to be so upset but instead, just say, “Hey, I miss the kid. Can you bring her over?” We don’t love other people more than her, we don’t choose other people over her, we just have things going on.

We should visit more, yes. But, we get so wrapped up in our own world that sometimes we forget that. Nick gets off work and all we really want to do is sleep, eat junk food, cuddle, sleep, eat some more, and sleep a lot more, and if we get the chance we like to do some naughty, nasty yoga. That can really take it out of you!

We will make an effort to come over more, but please, give us a break with the dramatic, guilt trips. I don’t have the effort to play nice anymore and I will call you out.

We love you, I promise. But cut the shit.

The Shitty Housewife Does Kayla Istines


So here we go. Smack in the middle of week 1 with Kayla.

A quick overview again. You do her workouts M, W, F and your own cardio Tuesday and Thursday. Her workouts are 2 sets of 4 different exercises. You do one set for 7 minutes, the next set for 7 minutes. Then repeat. That is it. 28 minutes long. But let me tell you, those 7 minutes are TOUGH. I mean, I was staring at the stopwatch waiting for the seconds to tick. Partially because I am out of shape. Partially, because I have become lazy with being motivated to work on myself. Combine those two things and this shit is hard.

I did as she asked and took some before shots. Again, for having three babies in a row, I look good. But I need to feel good. But I did see a lot of work that needs to be done. I am supposed to take before and after shots at week 4, so if I am not too embarrassed I will share.
The good thing about this work out is the whole 7 minutes then a quick break thing. I am doing this workout at home surrounded by kids and dogs. If they need something, they can wait 7 minutes and during my break if I need to attend to them, I can. If they are cool, I quickly move on to the next round because I want this shit over with. But as a mom and a busy person in general, that break is helpful.
Monday was her leg routine.
Tuesday I did 45 minutes of cardio (the elliptical) at the Y. Good for a workout and the kids love the daycare there.
Today, Wednesday, was her ab and arm workout. Let’s just say typing this hurt. And my legs are jelly and my ass is sore as shit. So yeah, something is working.
I have already planned for my cardio tomorrow and Friday her workout is optional. I will see how I feel or see how much beer I plan on taking in over the weekend. Maybe an extra workout wouldn’t be so bad!
The cool thing is there is big Kayla social media support. If you tag her and her Bikini Body Girl (#bbg) anywhere, you get mad positive feedback from other gals doing it. There is nothing more motivating than that!
I’ll keep on and keep ya posted. But if you see me like I was straddling a horse (or my husband) all night, just know, it was nothing that cool.


I’m that girl. I’m annoying, I bitch, I nag. At least that is what I am told…

My boyfriend has asked me many times why I feel the need to constantly ‘bitch’ or act like “nothing he does is good enough.” He says it wears him down to not want to to anything since he “can’t ever do anything right.”

And every time he says something like that, a little part of me dies. As cliché as that fucking sounds, it’s true. Because I am always trying to think of ways to build him up, tell him how in love with him I am and how much I appreciate what he does for me and our little girl. 9 times out of 10 when he responds like that, I sincerely didn’t know I was coming off that way.

In my head, I am asking him nicely and politely to do something. I am simply asking if that is the best idea or could we tweak it a little bit, because I am just not sure or simply curious. I am asking him a simple question that I think is really no big deal to answer.

In his head, I am nagging him to do something. I am undermining his idea and arguing. I am pushing something that he doesn’t want to deal with.  I have an attitude.

I try really hard to not be that girl, but I don’t know what else to do. He wants to do things or buy things that I don’t agree with and I try my hardest to not say shit. Sometimes I am successful. Sometimes I let things slip and blow my fucking top. But often times, I just want him to know my opinion on things, or to talk things out instead of just what he says, goes. But he doesn’t see it that way.

I guess what I need is for us to find common ground. A way to understand each other. Because a lot of the time when he thinks I’m ‘bitching’ I get so stunned that he thought that, that I don’t know what else to say. I want him to see that I’m really not meaning anything by what I say, and help me find a way to say things better. I have tried to work with him. He wants to play video games to “relax” and instead gets so pissy that me walking in front of him annoys him. So I try to learn to play with him. I sucked, but he saw that I put effort in and I think he appreciated it.

Any tips would be helpful, from guys and girls alike. I would love to find a way to communicate with my non-communicative boyfriend without sounding like that girl.

And if nothing else works, he knew about my attitude coming into the relationship so I guess he will have to deal, right? Fuck.

‘Hot Mom’ or ‘Mom Hot’?

Recently I have been having some issues with my self-esteem. Shocker, right? I’ve been constantly wondering if my boyfriend has been looking at other girls, or comparing me to that hot chick, or wishing I was more like that girl he saw on Instagram. I keep wondering if I am making him happy, in bed, in life. I wonder if he really is ‘just tired’ or he sees the extra me that has stuck around after the baby. I wonder if he still sees me as who I used to be before the kid. It seems my feeling of self-esteem is in two phases throughout my life: before baby and after baby.

I just don’t feel hot.

I feel ‘mom hot’

Now, let’s not get this confused with ‘hot mom.’ Because they are two completely different ideas. See, ‘hot mom’ is what your son’s friends call you when you pick him up from soccer practice in shorts, a tank top, and flip-flops, late because you were planting new flowers in the front lawn and covered in dirt and sweat. Sorry son, (if I ever have you) but I will be honored when your friends think I could be a stripper. I’ll wear that shit like a badge of honor when I’m feeling old and far from sexy.

No, ‘mom hot’ is a whole other evil. If you don’t see the difference, let me explain…

‘Mom hot’ is excited you don’t have food on your clothes and in your greasy hair and it’s already 10am.

‘Mom hot’ is excited your eyeliner is still sticking around after you got crazy the other day during nap time and attempted makeup. Today we call it a smokey eye, who cares if it looks more like Ozzy.

‘Mom hot’ is wearing an almost freshly cleaned pair of yoga pants and a cute top to get that “I just threw this on and still look amazing but whatever, I didn’t try” vibe that other moms seem to pull off so well.

‘Mom hot’ is finding a new topic to talk about with your boyfriend other than your cracked nipples and your kid’s bowel movements that day.

‘Mom hot’ is talking to girls your age without kids and feeling like a total fucking outsider who doesn’t belong. Like, really, y’all don’t know about colostrum?

‘Mom hot’ is feeling like a mom. Just a mom, and very little like a woman.


Now, before I get berated for not being happy with being a mom: that’s not it. I am completely in love with my daughter and my boyfriend. I never imagined I could be this excited about every day with a weird little bald puppy human. The problem is, I feel like a mother first and a woman second.

And I’m going to change that.

I don’t plan on changing my parenting style. I will still momma-bear the fuck out of anyone who messes with my kid. But I am going to start changing my outlook on what it means, to me, to be a mother.

When I think about what I need to change, I find mainly it is how I see myself. It would be easy to blame it on my boyfriend for not being Nicholas fucking Sparks type of sweet all the time but that’s just not him and I am totally ok with that. I could easily blame him for not noticing little things that no one would notice besides me or not telling me I’m sexy enough but he is not the problem. I am. And therefore I am the only person who will be able to make a difference in this.

I am going to find myself hot again. I am going to let myself walk down the street and think the stares in my direction are because someone finds me attractive, and not because they are trying to figure out what is stuck in my hair.I am going to give myself and my body the respect it deserves. I’m not going to worry about the extra skin and stretch marks, but I am going to work out to feel healthy and proud. I am going to remember that to be the mom that I am, I was a woman first.

I am going to take the time for myself to do my hair and makeup a few days a week and put effort into how I dress. I am going to invest in myself enough to get clothes that fit and that make me feel fucking fabulous. And I am going to feel even better that I got it for $5 from Goodwill because thrift stores are my bitch.

I am going to try to see myself how my boyfriend sees me (even from those weird angles that every guy likes and every girl doesn’t understand.) I am going to TRY not to shoot down his compliments because I know how much he hates it when I do and I know how much I hate that he doesn’t see himself the way that I see him.

And I am hoping this will help me. I am hoping even more though, that it will help my daughter. I don’t want her growing up watching me worry and obsess over how I look and seeing me constantly down myself. I want her to grow up seeing me take pride in myself and my appearance and help her learn to be powerful and proud of who she is.

I am going to be hot again, god dammit.




Lookin’ Shitty


Here is the thing. I don’t mind working out.

I really don’t. I always feel so much better afterwards, I have tons of energy and I overall know I look better.

As far as eating healthy, I enjoy that too. Healthy tastes yummy, it’s fulfilling and of course it is so much better for you than processed foods.

I have worked out and eaten well my entire life. I always have a gym membership and I have continuously kept my weight down. BUT… (of course there is a but, this is The Shitty Housewife…) that shit is getting hard. It just is. After waking up and dealing with day to day life, keeping up with work and school and kids and chores, going to the gym has just become an annoyance. I still eat healthy. Obviously, from other posts, you all know I drink beer and chow queso, but I do eat healthy the majority of the time.

I know finding time in your day for yourself is so important and good for you, blah, blah, blah. But when I get some free time at any moment, I just want to lay in my comfortable bed, alone, in the quiet, BY MY FUCKING SELF, RESTING, and not on some elliptical machine or some spin class.

I am just over it. And the worst part about it is that now I am old and I actually have to REALLY try. In my early twenties I would feel fat one day, go jog for 30 minutes and wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am, looked like a million bucks again. Now, it takes weeks and weeks. I busted my ass after my third child. I worked out like a maniac. I got the weight off quickly, got super toned and on my wedding day, I was almost too skinny. But that stopped. Once life was back to the daily grind I lost interest.

Look, I want to feel good and look better. I want to get checked out by young boys. I want my husband to see other men check me out and be proud that I am his. I want to be the MILF. I want to look in the mirror and think “damn girl.” But all of those wants aren’t making it happen.

Here is my plea…help me readers. Give me some tips. Some advice. I need something more than just looking at pictures of Jennifer Aniston and Kate Hudson at this point. Although, their abs are motivating, lets be realistic here. I don’t have their time, chefs, trainers or MONEY. (If I did, I would probably just have a more comfortable bed and this would be even more challenging.)

What is your workout routine and why do you like it? How do you keep yourself motivated? How do I say no to early bedtime and yes to a quick night work out? How do I rewire my brain to love my body more than my bed? I am making an internet vow that by next week at this time I will have found something. Then I will do it in front of you all (not literally, I will just give you updates. You watching me workout would be too embarrassing, even for me!) I will keep track, tell you how it is going and let you know when I fuck up and stay in bed (but in bed with my husband doesn’t count because that sure as hell burns calories.)

Maybe keeping my word will be motivation enough.

Probably not, lets not get our hopes up.

Again, this is The Shitty Housewife. Dropping the ball is kinda my thing.

Wednesday Wife Rant


I want a boob job. I do. Like bad.

And I feel like I deserve one… right now. I know I will get one eventually. Matt and I have already discussed this. He knows that I want the youngest member of my family to be my breasts.

I used to have nice boobs. Nothing big or anything. They were just perfect for my petite body. Nice and plump and perky. Then I got pregnant. Three times in a row. I nursed and pumped those bad boys for 3 different human beings. After all that work, the payoff was watching my cute boobs get smaller and smaller and smaller. And I get sadder and sadder and sadder every time I put on a pre-pregnancy bra.

I feel like after growing a human in my belly, pushing them out of my body and nursing them, I should be rewarded with some nice knockers. But nature works in the complete opposite way. After all that work, our bodies get weird and plumpness moves elsewhere. Look, I am all for a post-partum body and feeling good about yourself. I know I look great after 3 kids. I know my body is a goddess temple..blah, blah, blah… BUT I JUST WANT MY BOOBS BACK.

Matt promises he will arrange help and childcare and financial assistance for this to happen when I am 40. By then the kids won’t be so needy and hopefully my recovery will be quick and easy. It just sucks that I am going to have to pay and recover from something I already had! It’s going to be a long 3 years with my itty bitty titties but I know time goes fast.

Until then, I will stick to my push ups (that are actually too uncomfortable to wear anymore) and continue to stare at other women’s chests. Who cares if they think it’s creepy?! Soon I will be staring at my own and I won’t need them right?! You can stare at them too. I’d appreciate that, actually.

So that’s my rant this week. I want boobs. My boobs. I was not ready to say goodbye to them and I miss them all the time. They were the best, those fun bags.

Until we meet again.

Jan The Housewife

See Beautiful with Lydia Criss Mays

We here at The Shitty Housewife are so very excited about our Wednesday’s. Mainly because our readers can take a break from listening to our lame asses and focus on something else. Something amazing. Something purposeful. Something NOT SHITTY! Every month we will be featuring a charity/organization whose mission we strongly believe in. And a mission you can get involved in. And every Wednesday during that we will just promote the shit out of their mission!
 We are honored that our first month’s organization is Atlanta’s own See Beautiful. See Beautiful is a place whose main focus is encouraging people to look at themselves, others and the world with beauty, love and respect. At See Beautiful they understand that this world is shitty and can be rough, but they are committed to looking through that crap and focusing on shining love and creating beauty. Seeing yourself and everyone and everything around you is tough. We all at some point have struggled or are struggling with our confidence in how we look. And man, as someone who has, it is so shitty. And even the days you are owning it, feeling like 10 million bucks, something can happen and boom, that awful ugly creeps back in. I can walk around all day in my skinny jeans, boots, blown out hair (like this housewife ever has fixed hair) feeling like the sexiest thing in the world for hours and hours. All it takes is for a quick Victoria Secret commercial to come on and mother fucker, I’m a gross pig suddenly. But here is the thing, I AM NOT. WE ARE NOT. We are all beautiful. If you are a good, decent, semi shitty person…YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!! We are all so beautiful it is crazy. We are living, breathing, creating, building, loving, beautiful people and you should feel that way every single damn day! We are who we are and we can’t change that. We are beautiful and it is just that simple.
Finding beauty is a way of life See Beautiful want us all to embrace and they encourage that through their Giving Initiatives. They focus giving back to teachers, schools, families, even animals through these initiatives by creating an adorable array of See Beautiful jewelry, clothes, bags, scarves and accessories. All of the money brought in from these incredible products goes to these Giving Initiatives helping people See Beautiful!  The Shitty Housewife was so honored to sit down with the CEO and Founder of See Beautiful and ask a few questions. Here she is….. Lydia Criss Mays, the most unshittiest housewife ever!!!

TSH: Tell me a little bit about yourself?

LCM: I’m a wife (I try to be an awesome one, but let’s face it, I’ve been shitty a time or two or…err. It happens (pun intended)). I’m a former teacher and college professor. I never saw myself starting or running a business, but See Beautiful doesn’t feel like a business. Empowering people to see beautiful in themselves and others, and giving to causes creating more beautiful in the world is a dream. I’m also a children’s book author and use my words to inspire others – especially during the crap-filled times. Some of my favorite moments are working with some of the 200+ girls in our See Beautiful Clubs. They teach me a lot about how to better grow See Beautiful to really empower (and they keep me on fleek).

I love your mission of See Beautiful, how did you begin this organization?

The organization began with action – the need to see beautiful in myself and my own life. See Beautiful is by no means an infertility organization or loss-focused company, but both of those things are what had me in a really tough place where I couldn’t see beautiful in myself or the world around me. It was when I focused on finding beauty, in myself and the world, that I came back to living and found joy in it. As we see beautiful we create more space for identifying and creating more of it in our lives. When I recognized the life-changing power in the lifestyle I knew I had to share it. See Beautiful grew from there and it’s growth and incredible community inspire me every single day.

What has been your greatest accomplishment since beginning?

That’s hard. We could play the numbers game and say that one of our greatest accomplishments is having donated over $50,000 to our See Beautiful Giving Initiatives (every sale benefits the See Beautiful Giving Initiative of your choice). We could play the qualitative game and talk about the women and men who have shared stories of their lives being transformed because they can now see beautiful in themselves and others. I recently traveled to Congo and Rwanda to meet the children and women we work with in those countries. That was a thrill, but perhaps the greatest of all was meeting Bene. He was seven when I met him and he was a selective mute. He stopped speaking at the age of three when he witnessed his Uncle’s murder. Using my education background, and my opportunity from See Beautiful to send him to school each month, I met with Bene, his mother, teacher and director of the school. We worked on play therapy and empowerment activities together. It is the greatest accomplishment to say that Bene is now talking. To everyone. The power of a voice is beautiful.

Do you find it hard to always See Beautiful, especially when this world can be so tough?

Seeing beautiful is actually a really difficult task when done right. It’s easy to see beautiful when all in the world is daisies and rainbows, but we want to empower people to see beautiful when life doesn’t seem beautiful at all – when it’s shitty. I believe in the power of See Beautiful because I have waded through the shit, when the world was really tough, and the biggest lifeline back to rejoining this world was to search for the tiny nuggets of beautiful and rest in that space. I share a lot more about it in my TED Talk here if anyone wants to go down that road.

If you could, in one sentence, tell us the main purpose for this journey, what would it be?

We work to empower people to see beautiful in themselves and others and give to causes creating more beautiful in the world.

How can our readers get more involved with See Beautiful?

We’d LOVE for you to join our community! We’re always dishing out goodies on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Our products are all eco-friendly, fair trade, or handmade, and as I mentioned above, they all give back in incredible ways. We also have applications for See Beautiful Giving Initiatives, so visit our “GIVING” page and see if you or someone you know would be a great fit. Giving is our favorite. It’s what makes us see beautiful the most.

We can not thank Lydia and her team enough for what they do and how much they help. Check out their website and use The Shitty Housewife Promo Code HOUSEWIFE2016 and receive 15% off Store Wide!!! Also follow them on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter, and sign up to receive their newsletter.