Wanting It All

I don't know if it is a fault of females...to want it all.

So as many of you know, I am a working mom. I was a stay at home up until my 3rd child was about 3 months old. Then I decided to work part time for my husband to get out of the house. Being at home with 3 babies was making me lose my mind. Like for real. I was miserable. I was broke, hated asking for more spending money and lonely. Yes, I was surrounded by these three smart, funny, beautiful babies, but all I did was give, give, give. I thought working would be a good way to get out and be productive.

My mother in law then retired and moved here to help with the kids, which meant I could work more. Plus because insurance here in the US is the shittiest thing ever, I had to up to 30 hours a week, so my family’s insurance wouldn’t be more than our mortgage. I enjoyed it…for awhile.

But I will be honest. I miss being at home. And I don’t even want to really be “at home” but I feel like now is the time to HAVE TIME and I just don’t. Now there is gymnastics, soccer, PTA meetings, Girl Scouts, social events and I have to pick and choose which ones to go to and which ones to miss. But I don’t want to miss any of them. Like at all. I feel like I grew these cute creatures inside of my body, gave up a set of 6 pack abs (and many, many 6 packs of beer) to grow them safely in my belly. I worked to bring them into a healthy environment, pushed them out after hours of tough labor. I stayed at home with them, nursed them, sang to them, got up with them all hours of the night. I gave up my own business. I gave up plenty of girls nights. I gave up a lot because I wanted to be with these teeny tiny babies. And it was incredible. But now, they are cool little humans doing all this cool shit and where am I……fucking working.

It kinda sucks. And I know when school is over for me and I get a different job with more stable hours, I won’t have to miss so many things, but that could be months away. I mean, I don’t graduate until December and job hunting can take FOREVER. I don’t regret staying at home when they were babies, because I loved that I was there with them. But now it’s like…ugh….all that work to miss all the fun shit???!!!

I don’t know if it is a fault for us females….to want it all. Whether or not,  it is certainly a burden to carry. I want to be an independent, entrepreneurial woman who needs no one and makes her own money….all while being a trophy wife, who gets to workout, volunteer, join PTA, buy al she wants and save the planet.

I know women have been doing this for years. Working, cheering, making ends meet and families work for centuries and centuries. Maybe one of these days I will figure out how to do it myself. The idea of missing out on seeing my kids do things makes me so sad. But it makes me even sadder to think my husband has to carry all the financial stress. There has got to be a happy medium that I have yet to figure out.

Until that time comes, I will just pick and choose my battles (don’t all moms do that daily anyway?!) What would I rather this week…..hours to provide or hours to play. Either way, I may always feel weird about having one more than the other. That is the nature of the female beast. Always wanting more or less, but  being irritated at whichever outcome you choose.

Wanting it all is hard. Sometimes I wish I didn’t. Sometimes ,when my husband asks me if I want to stop working I want to shout YYYEEEESSSS. But I know within weeks I would be longing for work. I know after a week’s worth of only children activities, ol bitchy mom would creep out again and I would be kicking myself for not working. Ugh, yet another love/hate battles for us women…..maybe I should just finally, after 38 years of trying, realize, you can’t have it all……and maybe having it all is just having too damn much.

xoxo

Jan O

The Shitty Housewife

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