Lately, I feel like the where abouts of my life journey has so many unanswered questions. Like so many people, everyday is filled with “we will see” or “maybe next year” or the never ending saying of “who knows.” I have always lived a life where change should constantly happen. I wanted it to. I long for newness and surprise. I enjoy a great roadblocks that I normally always turns into an adventure. But as I creep into my 38th year around the sun (GROSS) I am ready for that shit to stop!
You know what I long for….consistency. Stability. Knowledge about the path I am on. Guidance about what I am suppose to do next. This long life of trying ew things and new paths has come to a point for me where I am ready, finally, to ground my roots.
When I was a kid, I always wanted to move. I wanted to be the new kid. And I did move, many times. Back and forth between the south and the west coast…..several times. As I got older, moving with a steady career became tough. So I began changing hobbies, changing surroundings, changing jobs. I stuck out a hair styling career for 10 years, and because of medical reasons left. But I did enjoy the major change of leaving. The question of what will I do next was scary, but to me exciting as shit.
My head is filled with so many ideas and so many goals, that sometimes I make myself exhausted just trying to get them all down on paper to pan something out. Then when I do get around to said idea, I have moved onto something else. Or (lets be honest) I am so exhausted, I never actualy get around to doing it. Maybe 37.7 years of being a go getter has put me in this place I find myself now. Ready to figure out my FINAL career path. Ready to remodel our cute little house and never leave it. Ready to be grounded.
I feel like my time as a free spirit is up. I knew this day would come. I actually used to be frightened of this day arriving, but I am actually welcoming it. I have done so much with this life of mine. I live each day like is has 64 hours in it and I am always seeking out ways to extend that. Blame it on my age, my lower energy, my sense of “you have done so much, but what the fuck have you actually DONE” attitude, but I am ready for a break.
It is time for me to be normal…..well as normal as someone with my brain can me. It is time for me to focus and make a few certain desicions and stick with them. I am ready to take my free spirit and contain her a little bit. Let her rest. She has worked overtime. She is the shit and has done her job well, but she needs a long break. And maybe when my 60th turn around the sun arrives, I will release her again and she will be filled with so much excitement, I will be the most outrageous older women alive.
My life is incredible. I have taken zero for granted. But I need to regroup and remember I am no longer on this journey alone. I know grounding myself will be hard for me, but I also know I can look back and think, damn, I have experienced more shit in this short span of time that most people ever will and appreciate that. And the only person I have to thank for that is me….my weird, crazy, free spritied, shitty ass self.
The Shitty Housewife