No More Babies

12801415_10207860571244841_3200420523472726171_n     My  baby turns 3 tomorrow.

It is insane.

He is bigger than my 4 year old and he has the personality of his 37 year old dad. And although he seems SO much older, he is still a baby. My baby. Right?!

So why does him turning 3 depress me?

Baby life is officially over for me. He is ready for pre school. He is in his big boy bed, with his big boy potty and uncovered cups. He is no longer a baby in anyway and when you know you are never going to have another baby, letting go of the last is very hard.

Look, I know I complain about my kids and say how disgusting and exhausting they are (ESPECIALLY CAMERON.) But they are the most incredible and inspiring thing that has and will ever happen to me. These teeny tiny humans that grew inside of my body are magical. And now, the littlest, the youngest, the baby, is no longer a baby. He is a threenager and I am no longer a baby mom. And won’t be ever again.

Even though I don’t want any more kids, it is a tough pill to swallow. I wonder if I am the only woman who feels this conflicted feeling? I’m sure I’m not, but I do know that it is a very odd feeling.

My body is done producing, but I still feel like I have more to give. I don’t want to ever be pregnant again, but I want that newborn snuggling feeling so bad. I never EVER want sleepless nights of breastfeeding, but I long for that special alone time with a tiny human Matt and I created.

Ugh, womanhood is so weird. I do know this. I am the luckiest woman in the world to have experienced this 3 times. I mean, how fucking incredible of a life I have to have created life three times. And now, even though he is no longer, none of them are, I get to watch them grow and develop. And if I am lucky enough to live a long life, I will get to snuggle with their babies ( a bajillion years from now.)

So tonight, I will spend the last night as a baby mom in a bittersweet vibe. Missing the past but excited for his future. Knowing that even though this baby is getting older by the minute, he will always be my baby. My last baby who has blessed me every minute of his three year old life.

xoxo

Jan O

The Shitty Housewife

 

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