Chris Cornell is dead.

It took me 3 hours to type that.

I don’t have any words….for once.

I also will not speak of how he passed. Because I can’t…….the idea that someone who has made me so happy for so many years was that sad is very hard for me to understand.

I will also not justify being this sad over the loss of someone I have never met. Because in my head, he is an old, beautiful, helpful, inspiring friend who has been there for me since I was a teenager.

Eddie Vedder actually introduced to him. Eddie, who is my favorite musician of all time turned me onto rock and roll. He opened my eyes to how music can move you. I was a Pearl Jam fan early on, but then Eddie had a friend named Chris, and that is when my music world changed completely. It’s like Eddie introduced me to music. Chris introduced me to the beauty of music.

I saw Soundgarden once. It was incredible. He was more than I could have ever imagined. I dreamt about it for months, weeks, days leading up to the show. Then seeing him live. Hearing that voice live….HE WAS PERFECTION. Soulful. Powerful. Beautiful.

When Audioslave formed I was beyond excited. I was a huge Rage fan and of course immense Chris fan. Two of my best friends and I went to every Audioslave concert in driving distance. We would get there hours early just so when doors opened we could rush and get front row. Which somehow we always managed. We would sing out hearts out with Chris and watch him light up as he watched his band play their music. He was moved, and so were we.

That is why I am so sad. He moved me to tears numerous times while he was alive, so to think about him in any state other than that makes those tears fall even harder. To know I will never hear that voice live again is devastating. To know I will never see that happy smile light up as the guitar chords kick in. To know that my kids will only experience Chris Cornell, one of mommy’s most favorite singers ever, via video….ugh. No words.

Chris has been there through break ups. Through moves. Through deaths. Through births. I remember the first time I ever got a promotion in my life, getting in my car and blasting Spoonman. He was proud of me and sang loud for me. I remember going through a terrible breakup and just playing Cochise over and over to keep me fighting for what I deserved. Chris helped me feel like I was worth the fight and he made me stronger. I remember driving away from saying goodbye to my sweet pug Dita and Chris sang The Keeper to me as I cried and cried. His voice has been there for me. For so many of my memories. For power, for strength, and for comfort.

Over 20 years. Over many times live. Over a million incredible lyrics. Chris has been by my side. And today he is gone.

Thank you Mr. Cornell, for giving us your all. Thank you for giving us your words. Thank you for giving us your voice. Thank you for giving us your beauty. Thank you for giving us you. I’ve always said I feel unworthy of your presence because it is simply too amazing. Maybe I was always right….

Say hello to heaven….
xoxo