My daughter turns four this week. It is kinda blowing my mind. It is crazy how fast time has gone by since she entered my life. Maybe because we are like the busiest family on the planet and since her debut we have had two other kids, jobs, school, a wedding and so much more. Or maybe because the idea that time goes faster the older we get is very true.
I became pregnant with Viv completely on accident. Matt and I had our first date March 25th, 2011. I had a positive pregnancy test July 24th. So yeah, that shit was not planned. We were very much involved, we had our first date and within a week we were spending every day together. It was like no other dating experience I have ever had. There was no worry if he was going to call me. No weirdness about who my true self was around him. And no concern that he was going anywhere. He had told me he loved me a couple times after a few beers. The first time, I replied with a “You’re weird.” July 4th, 2011, I covered his mouth with my hand and told him I loved him. I was sober and I just wanted him to know. I loved him and if he wasn’t ready to say it back without booze involved he didn’t need to. Thankfully, after I said it, he took my hand off of his mouth, flashed me that cute smiled and told me that I was the weird one and he loved me too. 20 days later I was throwing up on his bathroom floor telling him I was pregnant.
We both quickly committed to this little thing inside of my belly. We were scared to death, but fascinated with everything about it. As the months went by, fear just got stronger and my belly got bigger. I was already so attached to her and loved her more than words could ever clearly express. The moment I saw her I became a mom. Her mom. I was forever to be the women in her life who shows her how to survive women-hood. I will be the one who talks to her about sex, periods, boys and what assholes they are. I will be the one female in her life she sees day to day teaching her about work ethic, giving back and being a good member of society. I will be the one that tells her that she can be absolutely anything she wants to be because she is a women and we can do anything. The moment I became her mom I wanted to be a better human. I want to be her role model, and her inspiration. I want her see me do better and in turn have her do better as well. I want her to be the badass chick I know she is.
Being a mother to a daughter is incredible. It is scary as shit too. You have been in her shoes. You know what a cruel and mean world we live in. You know those awkward stages (a little too well.) You have been picked on, made fun off, hurt, broken hearted and now it is your turn to watch your little girl go through the same. You just now have the ultimate task of making sure she can survive it. She can be open with you and communicate with her how she is feeling. It is your turn to be the shoulder and to say those words “I know sweetie, I have been there. It will get better.” Growing up is hard. Growing up a girl is even harder. Watching YOUR little girl grow up and be let go into this world is the hardest. And on the week of my little girls 4th birthday, I am already consumed with all the hardness we will both have to go through watching her grow into the amazing women she will one day be.
But for now, I will just make her a My Little Pony cake, buy her some coloring books and make sure she has the most amazing day. Because her birthday is more than just the day I birthed her. It is the day she made me the most amazing women that I am.