My daughter, my first born, my first baby starts school tomorrow. 5 days a week. All day. She will no longer be at home full time with me. Swallowing this information has been exceptionally harder than I could have ever imagined.
I have spent over 4 years side by side with Viviane. And prior to that, 9 months growing her inside my body. Yes, I have worked, gone out of town, been away from her. But this feels different. My day in day out buddy will be spending her days elsewhere. A place that will not be my side.
How do I do it? How do I walk her into a classroom full of kids and adults I barely know and leave her? How do I trust them? How do I trust the work I have done with her? How do I know I have done all I should have done to mold her into a kid ready for school? How do I do this??
I have been asking myself these questions and a million more since I signed her up months ago. The truth is, she IS ready. She needs this. She will love it and thrive. Her imagination will get to be nurtured all day in an environment dedicated to it. And yes, we are dedicated to her growth here at home, but we also have her brothers, work, school, chores, blogs and a million other things going on. Full time school for Viv will be perfect. She will adore it……I, well, I am a little worried about myself.
I have so many fears as a parent. I have been exposed to so many horror stories just watching the news. I know what is out there. Heartbreak. Sadness. Cruelty. But she does not. She is so innocent and unaware of the realities of this world. She lives in a world filled with acceptance, love, kindness and happiness. And I am so afraid to see that go away. I am so afraid to see her get hurt and see that innocence chip away. I want her to remain completely unaware of how cruel this world can be. I want to hold that burden for her as long as humanly possible. And watching her walk through the doors at a new school where I am not going to be makes me so scared that the burden will begin to slowly affect her.
Parenting is such a crazy roller coaster. You want to set them free and have experience, yet we want to be there and protect. We want our time to finish our shit but we never want them to not be around. We birth these babies, fight like dogs to get them eating and sleeping and destroy our bodies making sure they are okay, then we send them away to someone else to teach them……well everything. I know they are always learning from home and learning from us and family, it just all seems so odd. I know it only seems odd because I am in the thick of it. I am experiencing the very first ever “letting go” moment of my parenting career. Matt and I crafted a life where daycare was not needed. And here we are. Sending our sweet baby off. It hurts. A good hurt, but it still hurts.
So to all of you that have done this before please tell me it gets easier. Everyday, every child, every letting go situation. For now I will lie to myself and say it will. It is the only thing that will get me through tomorrow. I will be brave, strong and proud for her. Because I know I did do all that I could and that she is brave, strong and proud for herself.